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Anna Rialto and Sean Walter
https://theonion.com/anna-rialto-and-sean-walter/
Published: May 20, 2025 13:00
The bride and groom had dated for 25 years prior to their wedding Saturday, so God knows what inspired them to get married now.
The post Anna Rialto and Sean Walter appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Paying For Stepchildrenâs Endorsement
https://theonion.com/trump-accuses-kamala-harris-of-paying-for-stepchildrens-endorsement/
Published: May 20, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâCalling for a major investigation into her husbandâs son and daughter from a previous marriage, President Donald Trump leveled allegations Tuesday in which he accused Kamala Harris of paying for her stepchildrenâs endorsement in the 2024âŠ
King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown
https://theonion.com/king-charles-switches-to-more-comfortable-silicone-crown/
Published: May 20, 2025 13:00
LONDONâNoting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one. âUnlike my old crown, this silicone oneâŠ
Relationship Experts Recommend Saying âI Love Youâ Even If You Donât Mean It
https://theonion.com/relationship-experts-recommend-saying-i-love-you-even-if-you-dont-mean-it/
Published: May 20, 2025 13:00
ORLANDO, FLâEmphasizing that itâs just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying âI love youâ even if you donât mean it. âIt can be stressful when a significant other promptsâŠ
Republican Infighting Erupts Over Whether Trump Bill Beautiful Or Handsome
https://theonion.com/republican-infighting-erupts-over-whether-trump-bill-beautiful-or-handsome/
Published: May 19, 2025 20:43
WASHINGTONâWith the dispute threatening to derail legislative approval of President Donald Trumpâs âbig, beautiful bill,â congressional sources confirmed Monday that GOP infighting had erupted over whether the bill was beautiful or handsome. âRepublicansâŠ
Understaffed National Weather Service Still Weeks Away From Issuing Kentucky Tornado Warning
https://theonion.com/understaffed-national-weather-service-still-weeks-away-from-issuing-kentucky-tornado-warning/
Published: May 19, 2025 20:06
SILVER SPRING, MDâIn the aftermath of the deadly storms that ripped through the central United States over the weekend, the National Weather Service confirmed Monday that due to critical staffing shortages, the agency was still weeks away from issuing aâŠ
Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer
https://theonion.com/biden-faces-mounting-pressure-to-let-younger-democrat-battle-cancer/
Published: May 19, 2025 18:19
WASHINGTONâAfter a stunning admission that heâd been diagnosed with a highly aggressive form of the disease, former President Joe Biden reportedly faced mounting pressure on Monday to let a younger Democrat battle cancer. âGiven the current landscape, weâŠ
âCopyâ Of Magna Carta Bought By Harvard For $27 Found To Be Real
https://theonion.com/copy-of-magna-carta-bought-by-harvard-for-27-found-to-be-real/
Published: May 19, 2025 17:16
A document purchased by Harvard Law School for $27.50 and thought to be a replica of the Magna Cartaâone of the earliest declarations of human rightsâis in fact an original from 1300. What do you think?
The post âCopyâ Of Magna Carta Bought By Harvard ForâŠ
Features Of Metaâs New AI App
https://theonion.com/features-of-metas-new-ai-app/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:55
In an effort to compete with the popularity of ChatGPT, Meta has launched its very own standalone AI app. Here is a selection of the best features available on Meta AI. Convenient voice-activated data leaks Revenge porn editor Makes phone real hot WhenâŠ
Florida Bans Fluoride In Public Drinking Water
https://theonion.com/florida-bans-fluoride-in-public-drinking-water/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:51
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) signed a bill banning âthe use of certain additivesâ in public water systems, making Florida the second state, after Utah, to ban fluoride from drinking water. What do you think?
The post Florida Bans Fluoride In Public DrinkingâŠ
Ow
https://theonion.com/ow/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:00
Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying back and forth in the breeze and taking in this beautiful view. From way up here, I canât help but notice all the sparkly streamers andâŠ
Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment Day
https://theonion.com/jesus-circles-earth-few-times-so-he-not-first-to-arrive-to-judgment-day/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:00
LOW EARTH ORBITâDreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldnât be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly sourcesâŠ
State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization
https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâPromising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organizationâŠ
Spacious End-Unit
https://theonion.com/spacious-end-unit/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:00
Lots of space in this end-of-the-row unit you can walk or roll into. Located in the basement of the public library, this place comes with water and one roll of scratchy toilet paper. Reference #18084
The post Spacious End-Unit appeared first on The Onion.
Woman Allows Herself One More Anxiety Episode Before Bed
https://theonion.com/woman-allows-herself-one-more-anxiety-episode-before-bed/
Published: May 19, 2025 13:00
LANSING, MIâAssuring herself it wasnât even that late, local woman Natalie Sissons reportedly allowed herself one more anxiety episode Tuesday before going to bed. âJust one more episode of paralyzing apprehension and fear, then Iâll call it a night,â saidâŠ
Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times
https://theonion.com/scientists-studying-man-who-let-snakes-bite-him-over-200-times/
Published: May 16, 2025 19:33
A Wisconsin man has voluntarily been bitten by snakes hundreds of times, with scientists now studying his blood in hopes of creating better treatments for snake bites. What do you think?
The post Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200âŠ
What To Know About The MAHA Movement
https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-maha-movement/
Published: May 16, 2025 15:58
Supporters of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are cheering on the Health And Human Services secretaryâs plans to âMake America Healthy Again.â Here is everything you need to know about the MAHA movement. Q: What is MAHA? A: Itâs like MAGA but with food dye insteadâŠ
Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning Americaâs All-Time Sack Leader
https://theonion.com/michael-strahan-surpasses-diane-sawyer-as-good-morning-americas-all-time-sack-leader/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
NEW YORKâAfter months of closing in on the former news anchorâs legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassed Diane Sawyer on Friday as Good Morning Americaâs all-time sack leader. âThroughout his career on GMA, Strahan has led the show in tackles, forcedâŠ
Luke Platt
https://theonion.com/luke-platt/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
Known for being an adventurous risk-taker, Luke Platt, 36, died Thursday after brazenly wearing regular shoes on the bowling alley floor.
The post Luke Platt appeared first on The Onion.
New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders
https://theonion.com/new-indiana-law-requires-all-porn-viewers-to-register-as-sex-offenders/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
NDIANAPOLISâIn an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could access sexuallyâŠ
Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend
https://theonion.com/elderly-salsa-instructor-announces-plan-to-dance-with-your-girlfriend/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
CHICAGOâInsisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during a Thursday evening introductory class to dance with your girlfriend. âNo, no, noâyou mustâŠ
Grocery Storeâs Meat Section Misted With Fresh Blood Every Few Minutes
https://theonion.com/grocery-stores-meat-section-misted-with-fresh-blood-every-few-minutes/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
The post Grocery Storeâs Meat Section Misted With Fresh Blood Every Few Minutes appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Casts Cabinet In âLes MisĂ©rablesâ Amid Kennedy Center Boycott
https://theonion.com/trump-casts-cabinet-in-les-miserables-amid-kennedy-center-boycott/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâSitting in the front row and snapping his fingers in time to the 1980 musicalâs overture, President Donald Trump rehearsed his Cabinet for a Kennedy Center performance of Les MisĂ©rables amid an escalating boycott by the showâs usual cast,âŠ
Any Deport In A Storm
https://theonion.com/any-deport-in-a-storm/
Published: May 16, 2025 13:00
The post Any Deport In A Storm appeared first on The Onion.
Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet
https://theonion.com/cannes-bans-nudity-on-red-carpet/
Published: May 15, 2025 19:27
Cannes Film Festival issued an updated red carpet dress code that effectively bans full nudity and âvoluminousâ ensembles, citing âdecency reasons.â What do you think?
The post Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet appeared first on The Onion.
How The U.S. Is Resettling White South African Refugees
https://theonion.com/how-the-u-s-is-resettling-white-south-african-refugees/
Published: May 15, 2025 15:30
Claiming they are targets of genocide and discrimination, the Trump administration has granted white South Africans expedited refugee status. Here are the measures the U.S. government is taking to help resettle Afrikaners. Requiring them to prove they areâŠ
Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards
https://theonion.com/trump-grants-refugee-status-to-former-ss-guards/
Published: May 15, 2025 15:06
WASHINGTONâCondemning what he described as the disturbing and unjust treatment of the group, President Donald Trump granted refugee status this week to former SS guards. âThe discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sickâtheyâre literallyâŠ
UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter
https://theonion.com/ufc-clown-jumps-into-octagon-to-distract-irate-fighter/
Published: May 15, 2025 13:00
SEATTLEâDeftly jumping into the arenaâs octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighterâs attention away from his fallen competitor. The lighthearted performer known asâŠ
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat
https://theonion.com/u-s-military-bans-men-with-girl-names-from-combat/
Published: May 15, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâIn a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden fromâŠ
Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether Theyâve Seen âThe Bearâ
https://theonion.com/mom-dad-bickering-over-whether-theyve-seen-the-bear/
Published: May 15, 2025 13:00
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VAâWith the rest of the family looking on tensely as the conversation grew heated, local parents James and Denise Sweeney were reportedly bickering Tuesday over whether they had seen The Bear. âWe watched one episode and decided it wasnâtâŠ
Strategies For Decluttering
https://theonion.com/strategies-for-decluttering/
Published: May 15, 2025 13:00
Studies have shown that creating a neat and organized living space can reduce stress and improve mental well-being. The Onion provides helpful guidance for decluttering your home. Lure Marie Kondo into your home using an evenly spaced trail of sensibleâŠ
Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens
https://theonion.com/jamal-abbott-and-vicente-stephens/
Published: May 15, 2025 13:00
Itâs happily ever after for Abbott and Stephens, who wed in a farmhouse upstate right where they usually do the chicken sexing.
The post Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens appeared first on The Onion.
Judges Claim Pizza Deliveries Sent To Their Homes Meant To Intimidate
https://theonion.com/judges-claim-pizza-deliveries-sent-to-their-homes-meant-to-intimidate/
Published: May 14, 2025 19:45
Federal judges, some of whom are overseeing cases involving the Trump administration, are sounding the alarm over unsolicited deliveries of pizzas to their homes, which they view as a tactic of intimidation against them. What do you think?
The post JudgesâŠ
Bill Belichick Fairly Sure He Clapping for Correct Beauty Pageant Contestant
https://theonion.com/bill-belichick-fairly-sure-he-clapping-for-correct-beauty-pageant-contestant/
Published: May 14, 2025 14:52
The post Bill Belichick Fairly Sure He Clapping for Correct Beauty Pageant Contestant appeared first on The Onion.
You Canât Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored
https://theonion.com/you-cant-even-watch-a-movie-anymore-without-seeing-some-theme-explored/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
Iâve loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now Iâm thinking about boycotting movies altogether.âŠ
Nervous Matt Gaetz Fumbles With Training Bra
https://theonion.com/nervous-matt-gaetz-fumbles-with-training-bra/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
The post Nervous Matt Gaetz Fumbles With Training Bra appeared first on The Onion.
Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Townâs Only Option
https://theonion.com/disgusting-restaurant-celebrates-30-years-as-small-towns-only-option/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
EUSTIS, MEâWith a banner that read âWeâre All Youâve Got!â hanging above its entrance, local disgusting restaurant Lennyâs Diner celebrated 30 years as a small townâs only option, sources reported Monday. âSince 1995, it has been our honor to serve theâŠ
Silence of the Telegrams
https://theonion.com/silence-of-the-telegrams/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
The post Silence of the Telegrams appeared first on The Onion.
Mary Stevenson
https://theonion.com/mary-stevenson/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
Mary Stevenson, 82, passed away Sunday. Her family asks that anyone interested in joining her in the coffin please reach out ASAP.
The post Mary Stevenson appeared first on The Onion.
Turn-Key Stunner
https://theonion.com/turn-key-stunner/
Published: May 14, 2025 13:00
This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845
The post Turn-Key Stunner appeared first on The Onion.
President Trump To Accept $400 Million Plane Gifted From Qatar
https://theonion.com/president-trump-to-accept-400-million-plane-gifted-from-qatar/
Published: May 13, 2025 20:43
President Donald Trump will accept a luxury Boeing 747-8 jumbo jet as a gift from the ruling family of Qatar with the intention of converting it to a presidential aircraft, the âpalace in the skyâ potentially being the most valuable gift ever extended toâŠ
Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him
https://theonion.com/sean-combs-asks-for-quick-trial-so-he-can-get-to-part-where-trump-pardons-him/
Published: May 13, 2025 18:33
NEW YORKâInsisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean âDiddyâ Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. âWith all due respect,âŠ
Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless
https://theonion.com/gavin-newsom-sits-down-for-podcast-with-serial-killer-who-targets-homeless/
Published: May 13, 2025 16:30
SACRAMENTO, CAâPromising his podcast listeners an engaging and enlightening conversation, California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly sat down Tuesday with a serial killer who targets the homeless population. âSo what do you think Democrats can learn fromâŠ
Texas Bans Being Different Around Children
https://theonion.com/texas-bans-being-different-around-children/
Published: May 13, 2025 13:00
AUSTIN, TXâIn a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children. âStarting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique orâŠ
Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst
https://theonion.com/ashley-sullivan-and-sally-hirst/
Published: May 13, 2025 13:00
The couple tied the knot Saturday in the most unique ceremony that their tragically basic tastes would allow.
The post Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst appeared first on The Onion.
Grandma AirTagged
https://theonion.com/grandma-airtagged/
Published: May 13, 2025 13:00
The post Grandma AirTagged appeared first on The Onion.
Baby Saves Affair
https://theonion.com/baby-saves-affair/
Published: May 13, 2025 13:00
SANTA CLARA, CAâFollowing a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by havingâŠ
Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting
https://theonion.com/dwayne-johnson-honored-for-accomplishments-in-neck-acting/
Published: May 13, 2025 13:00
LOS ANGELESâPresenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck acting. âI am so proud toâŠ
AI Version Of Dead Arizona Man Addresses Killer During Sentencing
https://theonion.com/ai-version-of-dead-arizona-man-addresses-killer-during-sentencing/
Published: May 12, 2025 20:25
The killer of an Arizona man was sentenced to over 10 years behind bars after his victim spoke to the court via artificial intelligence in what could be the first-of-its-kind use of the technology. What do you think?
The post AI Version Of Dead Arizona ManâŠ
Man Canât Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President
https://theonion.com/man-cant-believe-he-has-to-download-stupid-app-just-to-bribe-president/
Published: May 12, 2025 19:30
MIAMIâGroaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldnât believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe theâŠ
Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children
https://theonion.com/mother-extremists-hijack-airwaves-to-broadcast-photos-of-their-children-2/
Published: May 12, 2025 17:40
The post Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children appeared first on The Onion.
48 Hours In Starbase
https://theonion.com/48-hours-in-starbase/
Published: May 12, 2025 16:59
Starbase, home to SpaceXâs private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head straight to theâŠ
First American Pope Elected
https://theonion.com/first-american-pope-elected/
Published: May 12, 2025 16:17
Robert Francis Prevost, known now as Leo XIV, will be the 267th occupant of the throne of St. Peter, the first American to fill the role of Pope. What do you think?
The post First American Pope Elected appeared first on The Onion.