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Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico

https://theonion.com/turning-point-usa-announces-alternative-puerto-rico/

Published: February 12, 2026 20:10

WASHINGTON—Hailing the move as a more wholesome and patriotic substitute for the current U.S. territory, conservative advocacy group Turning Point USA announced Thursday that it was setting up an alternative Puerto Rico. “Finally, Americans will be able to


OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump

https://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

Published: February 12, 2026 17:16

SAN FRANCISCO—Heralding what it called a “bold new age” in warping the mind of the nation’s elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator Thursday marketed toward White House advisors manipulating President Donald Trump. “Our new Stephen


Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play

https://theonion.com/study-bonobos-capable-of-human-like-pretend-play/

Published: February 12, 2026 16:14

A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner akin to a child’s make-believe tea party, concluding that the primate could imagine and track the nonexistent


Woman Worried She Not Living 90-Second Ad Break To The Fullest

https://theonion.com/woman-worried-she-not-living-90-second-ad-break-to-the-fullest/

Published: February 12, 2026 16:13

WATERBURY, VT—Not wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a 90-second ad break to the fullest. “There are so many drinks in the fridge and snacks in


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-nicki-minaj/

Published: February 12, 2026 16:10

Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trump’s “number one fan.” The Onion sat down with the artist to discuss music, politics, and the controversy she’s created. The Onion : During President Trump’s first term, you


Robert Donahue

https://theonion.com/robert-donahue/

Published: February 12, 2026 14:00

Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume. The post Robert Donahue appeared first on The Onion.

It’s Gray Time!

https://theonion.com/its-gray-time/

Published: February 12, 2026 14:00

Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth, gray eternity. $1,300,000. Reference #44439 The post It’s Gray Time! appeared first on


Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record

https://theonion.com/report-less-than-14-of-those-arrested-by-ice-had-criminal-record/

Published: February 11, 2026 17:18

Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year had charges or convictions for violent criminal offenses. What do you think? The


Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter

https://theonion.com/allen-goltham-and-ryne-baxter/

Published: February 11, 2026 14:00

The severely hungover pair woke up married Sunday morning after an alcohol-fueled six years of courtship and dating. The post Allen Goltham and Ryne Baxter appeared first on The Onion.

Study Finds Macaws Evolved Vibrant Coloration To Pass The Time

https://theonion.com/study-finds-macaws-evolved-vibrant-coloration-to-pass-the-time/

Published: February 11, 2026 14:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Claiming there simply wasn’t much else going on for the birds over the past several million years, a study published Tuesday by Harvard University ornithologists found that macaws evolved their vibrant coloration as a way to pass the time.


DraftKings Introduces In-Dream Betting

https://theonion.com/draftkings-introduces-in-dream-betting/

Published: February 11, 2026 14:00

BOSTON—In a move hailed as a breakthrough for round-the-clock gambling, sports betting company DraftKings announced Tuesday that users would now be able to place wagers directly from within their dreams. “At DraftKings, we know the action never sleeps, and


‘I Could Totally Do That,’ Says Correct Man Watching Luge Event

https://theonion.com/i-could-totally-do-that-says-correct-man-watching-luge-event/

Published: February 10, 2026 16:56

OWENSBORO, KY—Insisting that the Winter Olympic sport was “basically just lying there and letting gravity happen,” local man Michael Chou correctly declared Tuesday that he could totally compete in luge and it wouldn’t be that difficult. “Not to shit on


Barstool Sports Spins Off New Literary Journal

https://theonion.com/barstool-sports-spins-off-new-literary-journal/

Published: February 10, 2026 14:00

CHICAGO—Seeking to expand beyond sports coverage into radical new forms and expressions, Barstool Sports announced Monday that it would soon launch Confluences, a literary journal featuring book reviews, flash fiction, and in-depth arts criticism.


Mystery House

https://theonion.com/mystery-house/

Published: February 10, 2026 14:00

You can accept a four-bed colonial for $450,000
or take your chances on the mystery house! Reference #68379 The post Mystery House appeared first on The Onion.

Rival On AnimeNation.com Up To His Usual Horseshit

https://theonion.com/rival-on-animenation-com-up-to-his-usual-horseshit/

Published: February 10, 2026 14:00

YARMOUTH, ME—As he bemoaned yet another day of the same infuriating routine from one of the message board’s biggest assholes, local man Kyle Parker confirmed Friday that AmigaraEnigma_9x9, his rival on AnimeNation.com, was up to his usual horseshit. “It’s


Ghislaine Maxwell Reminded That A Simple ‘I’m Sorry’ Could Make This All Go Away

https://theonion.com/ghislaine-maxwell-reminded-that-a-simple-im-sorry-could-make-this-all-go-away/

Published: February 9, 2026 21:45

WASHINGTON—Advising her that even the most basic gesture of contrition would solve all her problems instantly, lawmakers reminded convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell on Monday that a simple “I’m sorry” could make all this go away. “We’re just asking


Report: Poisonings Of Domestic Partners Have Increased

https://theonion.com/report-poisonings-of-domestic-partners-have-increased/

Published: February 9, 2026 19:26

The Department of Homeland Security warned that the use of toxins, such as ricin and cyanide, to poison domestic partners has increased over the last five years, driven by several factors including accessibility of online information, ease of obtaining


All The Questions You Have About K-Pop, Answered

https://theonion.com/all-the-questions-you-have-about-k-pop-answered/

Published: February 9, 2026 17:40

With the popularity of streaming megahit KPop Demon Hunters, the formation of “global girl group” Katseye, and the reunion of superstars BTS, Korean pop music’s influence on American pop culture is stronger than ever. The Onion shares everything you need


Alan Andrews

https://theonion.com/alan-andrews/

Published: February 9, 2026 14:00

The family of Alan Andrews, 52, welcomes any suggestions for alternate phrasings of “suicide by cop.” The post Alan Andrews appeared first on The Onion.

Biden Grateful He’s Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country

https://theonion.com/biden-grateful-hes-not-alive-to-see-what-trump-doing-to-country/

Published: February 9, 2026 14:00

WILMINGTON, DE—Expressing relief about his obliviousness to America’s unraveling, former President Joe Biden told reporters Thursday that he was grateful not to be alive to see what Trump was doing to the country.“ I devoted my entire life to safeguarding


Political Profile: Tom Homan

https://theonion.com/political-profile-tom-homan/

Published: February 9, 2026 14:00

President Trump’s border czar, Tom Homan, was recently tapped to lead ICE’s highly publicized deportation campaign in Minnesota. The Onion takes a look at Homan’s background. Head Weight: 66 pounds Ideology: Fundamentalist Punisher fan Least Favorite


Terrified Conservatives Lose Ability To Speak English After Exposure To Bad Bunny Performance (‘¡Dios Mío!’ Cry Millions Of Panicking Republicans)

https://theonion.com/terrified-conservatives-lose-ability-to-speak-english-after-exposure-to-bad-bunny-performance-dios-mio-cry-millions-of-panicking-republicans/

Published: February 9, 2026 01:33

BOISE, ID—Crying out “¡Dios mĂ­o!” and “¡AyĂșdame!” as soon as they heard the opening notes of the Puerto Rican superstar’s “EoO,” millions of terrified conservatives reportedly lost the ability to speak English Sunday after exposure to Bad Bunny’s Super


Women’s Cross-Country Skiing Marred By Catcalling Italian Men On Sidelines

https://theonion.com/womens-cross-country-skiing-marred-by-catcalling-italian-men-on-sidelines/

Published: February 7, 2026 12:00

VAL DI FIEMME, ITALY—Calling it a “relentless barrage of unwelcome yelling” that distracted from the competition, officials confirmed Saturday that the women’s 10km + 10km Skiathlon event had been marred by Italian men catcalling along the sidelines.


TrumpRx Unveils $1 Million Citizenship Pill

https://theonion.com/trumprx-unveils-1-million-citizenship-pill/

Published: February 6, 2026 19:45

WASHINGTON—Touting it as the fastest and most convenient way for people from foreign countries to be a part of the American Dream, President Donald Trump announced Friday that his direct-to-consumer website TrumpRx would offer a $1 million citizenship


Ryan Murphy Worried All His Worst Ideas Behind Him

https://theonion.com/ryan-murphy-worried-all-his-worst-ideas-behind-him/

Published: February 6, 2026 17:48

LOS ANGELES—Staring down at the blank Microsoft Word screen with a hopeless expression on his face, Hollywood TV producer Ryan Murphy told reporters Friday that he was worried his worst ideas were now behind him. “Sometimes I look back and fear I’ll never


New MrBeast Video Lets Competitors Keep As Much Cash As They Can Eat

https://theonion.com/new-mrbeast-video-lets-competitors-keep-as-much-cash-as-they-can-eat/

Published: February 6, 2026 14:00

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling the contest his “most charitable challenge yet,” content creator Jimmy Donaldson, also known as MrBeast, released a new video Monday in which competitors were informed they could keep all the cash they were able to eat. “When I say


Alcoholic Not Himself When Sober

https://theonion.com/alcoholic-not-himself-when-sober/

Published: February 6, 2026 14:00

NEW YORK—Expressing alarm at their friend’s deeply uncharacteristic behavior, concerned sources reported Tuesday that local alcoholic George Ralston wasn’t himself when he was sober.  “George is normally such a loud, outgoing party animal, but when he


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Bad Bunny

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-bad-bunny/

Published: February 6, 2026 14:00

Reggaeton and Latin trap artist Bad Bunny is this year’s Super Bowl halftime show performer. The Onion sat down with the musician to discuss the upcoming show.  The Onion : How did you book the halftime show? Bad Bunny: Roger Goodell is my cousin. What can


Gina Russo and Ben Jackson

https://theonion.com/gina-russo-and-ben-jackson/

Published: February 6, 2026 14:00

God chose not to bless the union of Russo and Jackson for reasons known only unto Him. The post Gina Russo and Ben Jackson appeared first on The Onion.

Community Leather Coat Drive Helps Bad Boys In Need

https://theonion.com/community-leather-coat-drive-helps-bad-boys-in-need/

Published: February 6, 2026 14:00

ERIE, PA—Saying that every full-grain cowhide motorcycle jacket would help keep a brooding, wayward rebel warm through the cold weather months, a local charity announced Tuesday that it had begun its 10th annual leather coat drive for bad boys in need. 


‘Washington Post’ Lays Off One Third Of Newsroom

https://theonion.com/washington-post-lays-off-one-third-of-newsroom/

Published: February 5, 2026 21:07

The Washington Post announced sweeping layoffs amid declining revenue and backlash against the way owner Jeff Bezos has managed the company, with sports coverage, international, metro and the paper’s podcast being hit hardest. What do you think? The post


Trump Appoints Lara Trump To Be Next Dilbert

https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-lara-trump-to-be-next-dilbert/

Published: February 5, 2026 20:38

WASHINGTON—Pledging to provide her with spectacles, a curled-up tie, and whatever else she needed to do a great job, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be appointing Lara Trump as the next Dilbert. “My daughter-in-law Lara is just


Trove Of Emails About Pedophilia Reignites Nation’s Love Of Reading

https://theonion.com/trove-of-emails-about-pedophilia-reignites-nations-love-of-reading/

Published: February 5, 2026 19:56

WASHINGTON—Saying the millions of documents had restored a pleasure they lost long ago, Americans nationwide said Thursday that the recently released trove of emails connected with disgraced financier and pedophile Jeffrey Epstein had reignited their love


Trump Disappointed No One Killed In Ballroom Construction Process Yet

https://theonion.com/trump-disappointed-no-one-killed-in-ballroom-construction-process-yet/

Published: February 5, 2026 19:19

WASHINGTON—Voicing deep frustration with the lack of jobsite carnage, President Donald Trump expressed disappointment Thursday that no one had been killed yet in the construction of the White House ballroom. “It’s been months since we started, and I still


New Social Network Exclusively For AI Bots

https://theonion.com/new-social-network-exclusively-for-ai-bots/

Published: February 5, 2026 17:31

Moltbook, a Reddit-style social network where AI agents communicate exclusively amongst themselves without the need for humans, has taken the tech world by storm, with as many as 1.5 millions bots using the service to chat about the work they’re doing and


Biggest Revelations From The Epstein Files

https://theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from-the-epstein-files/

Published: February 5, 2026 14:00

In compliance with the Epstein Files Transparency Act, the Justice Department has released more than 3 million documents related to the late child sex offender’s prosecution. The Onion shares the biggest revelations.  Jeffrey Epstein signed all his emails


3-Year-Old Willing To Die For Bluey

https://theonion.com/3-year-old-willing-to-die-for-bluey/

Published: February 5, 2026 14:00

BATON ROUGE, LA—Revealing that he was prepared to become a martyr for the popular cartoon dog from Australia, local 3-year-old Owen Fulks announced this week that he was more than willing to die for Bluey. “It would be the greatest honor to lay down my


AI Chatbot That Only Responds ‘Huh’ Valued At $200 Billion

https://theonion.com/ai-chatbot-that-only-responds-huh-valued-at-200-billion/

Published: February 5, 2026 14:00

PALO ALTO, CA—Hailing the new product as a “game changer” in the development of large language models, Silicon Valley insiders confirmed Tuesday that an AI chatbot that only responds “huh” had been valued at $200 billion. “The new HmmAI chatbot is like


A Roof With All The Points

https://theonion.com/a-roof-with-all-the-points/

Published: February 5, 2026 14:00

This three-bedroom home on a tree-lined street has a roof with all the pointy parts you’d hope to have in a roof. No level surface up here! It’s all slopes and slants that lead to various points. Reference #64300 The post A Roof With All The Points


Margo McQueen

https://theonion.com/margo-mcqueen/

Published: February 5, 2026 14:00

Oh! Margo McQueen, 63, died. You knew that, right? Like, eight months ago. There was a memorial. Your father went. Said her sister’s really gone off the deep end with the Botox. The post Margo McQueen appeared first on The Onion.

China Criticizes Decision To Award Grammy To Dalai Lama

https://theonion.com/china-criticizes-decision-to-award-grammy-to-dalai-lama/

Published: February 4, 2026 22:08

The Chinese government blasted the Recording Academy’s decision to award the Dalai Lama his first Grammy, claiming the music industry award for an audiobook was used as “a tool for anti-China political manipulation.” What do you think? The post China


‘Lord Of The Rings’ Reader Can’t Believe How Long It Taking Sam And Frodo To Fuck

https://theonion.com/lord-of-the-rings-reader-cant-believe-how-long-it-taking-sam-and-frodo-to-fuck/

Published: February 4, 2026 16:47

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Sighing in frustration as she turned another page devoid of sexual content, Lord Of The Rings reader Adrienne Heeren told reporters Wednesday that she couldn’t believe how long it was taking for Sam and Frodo to fuck. “Don’t get me wrong—I


U-Haul Unveils Live-In Trucks To Sleep In While You Sort Some Shit Out

https://theonion.com/u-haul-unveils-live-in-trucks-to-sleep-in-while-you-sort-some-shit-out/

Published: February 4, 2026 16:41

PHOENIX—In an effort to attract clientele who need to rent vehicles for their belongings without having a final destination totally locked in just yet, U-Haul officials unveiled a fleet of live-in trucks Wednesday for customers to sleep in as they sort


Pet Iguana Assumed He’d Move Out Of Starter Tank By Now

https://theonion.com/pet-iguana-assumed-hed-move-out-of-starter-tank-by-now/

Published: February 4, 2026 16:31

RUTHERFORD, NJ—Expressing disappointment at how his life had turned out, local pet iguana Kermit confirmed this week that he had assumed by this point he would have moved out of his starter tank. “I just always pictured myself living in a far bigger


What I Lack In Physical Strength, I Make Up For In Pubic Hair

https://theonion.com/what-i-lack-in-physical-strength-i-make-up-for-in-pubic-hair/

Published: February 4, 2026 14:00

Look, I get it. I’m a weakling. These scrawny arms and spindly legs have obviously never seen the inside of a gym. You might say I’m the exact opposite of a bodybuilder. But while I’m definitely no one’s idea of Hercules, it’d be a grave mistake to


Fantasy About Impressing Coworkers Unimaginably Pathetic

https://theonion.com/fantasy-about-impressing-coworkers-unimaginably-pathetic/

Published: February 4, 2026 14:00

CHARLOTTE, NC—Describing the woman’s imagined scenario of workplace valor as both “cringeworthy” and “profoundly sad,” office sources confirmed Tuesday that employee Sarah Cobb’s fantasy about impressing her coworkers at Davidson Analytics was unimaginably


RFK Jr. Questions Efficacy Of Skin

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-questions-efficacy-of-skin/

Published: February 4, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ’s benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before


Conservatives Boycott All Forms Of Entertainment

https://theonion.com/conservatives-boycott-all-forms-of-entertainment/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:51

WASHINGTON—Decrying the un-American nature of any activity intended to provide amusement or the slightest bit of diversion, conservatives across the country announced an immediate boycott Tuesday of all forms of entertainment. “The insidious liberal bias


Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco

https://theonion.com/mia-cutler-and-xavier-carrasco/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:00

The happy couple wed Saturday in the presence of four loving guests and 176 indifferent ones. The post Mia Cutler and Xavier Carrasco appeared first on The Onion.

Rest Of Lakers Trying To Act Casual While LeBron James Spanks Bronny

https://theonion.com/rest-of-lakers-trying-to-act-casual-while-lebron-james-spanks-bronny/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:00

LOS ANGELES—As they stared intently at their phones and pretended not to notice the steady rhythm of smacks echoing through the locker room, the Los Angeles Lakers were reportedly trying their best to act casual Tuesday while LeBron James spanked his son


The Beginning Of The End

https://theonion.com/the-beginning-of-the-end/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:00

Priced at $1.5 million, this two-bedroom bungalow will send a clear message to every working-class family still in the neighborhood that their days are truly numbered. Reference #7086 The post The Beginning Of The End appeared first on The Onion.

ICE Agent Scores Easy Win By Deporting Own Family

https://theonion.com/ice-agent-scores-easy-win-by-deporting-own-family/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:00

CHICAGO—Saying he couldn’t remember the last time an immigration raid had been so convenient, fast, or fun, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mark Hammond reportedly scored an easy win Monday when he successfully deported his own family. The


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Pete Hegseth

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-pete-hegseth/

Published: February 3, 2026 14:00

Defense Secretary Pete Hegeth’s time overseeing the nation’s largest governmental agency has proven contentious owing to frequent security leaks, norm violations, and attacks on journalists. The Onion sat down with the military veteran and former Fox News


Starbucks Reintroduces Tiers To Loyalty Program

https://theonion.com/starbucks-reintroduces-tiers-to-loyalty-program/

Published: February 3, 2026 00:20

Starbucks is reintroducing tiers to its loyalty program as part of a bid to entice consumers to visit more often, with the company claiming the current system doesn’t properly reward its most loyal customers. What do you think? The post Starbucks


White House Aide Fired After Telling JD Vance About Super Bowl Party

https://theonion.com/white-house-aide-fired-after-telling-jd-vance-about-super-bowl-party/

Published: February 2, 2026 19:18

WASHINGTON—Insisting the terminated worker had violated the terms of her employment by leaking highly sensitive information, the White House announced Monday that longtime aide Sandra Wilton had been fired for telling Vice President JD Vance about an


Tall Man, Bald Child Duos Applaud Representation In New ‘Game Of Thrones’ Show

https://theonion.com/tall-man-bald-child-duos-applaud-representation-in-new-game-of-thrones-show/

Published: February 2, 2026 19:16

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing the power of finally seeing themselves represented on screen, duos consisting of one tall man and one bald child publicly applauded the HBO series A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms Monday. “As a man of above-average stature whose best


DOJ Releases Jeffrey Epstein Fragrance

https://theonion.com/doj-releases-jeffrey-epstein-fragrance/

Published: February 2, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—In the latest government disclosure about the late financier and convicted pedophile, officials from the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that they were releasing a Jeffrey Epstein fragrance. “The aroma of infatuation, the perfume of the


Pros And Cons Of Social Media Bans For Teens

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-social-media-bans-for-teens/

Published: February 2, 2026 14:00

Australia and France recently enacted social media bans for children, with other countries considering similar legislation. The Onion examines the pros and cons of restricting social media access for teens. PRO Easier to talk shit about them behind their


Mark Platz

https://theonion.com/mark-platz/

Published: February 2, 2026 14:00

Mark Platz, 51, passed unexpectedly Sunday. He is survived by his wife, his three children, and a massive secret collection of troubling pornography. The post Mark Platz appeared first on The Onion.

White House Denies Flickering, Green Trump A Hologram

https://theonion.com/white-house-denies-flickering-green-trump-a-hologram/

Published: February 2, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—As concerns continue to mount regarding a potential decline in the president’s physical and mental health, the White House issued a statement Friday denying that a flickering, green Donald Trump was a hologram. Administration officials dismissed


Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop

https://theonion.com/fans-explain-why-they-love-k-pop/

Published: February 2, 2026 14:00

The Onion asked K-pop’s biggest fans to explain their devotion, in their own words. The post Fans Explain Why They Love K-Pop appeared first on The Onion.

Melania Trump Documentary Fails To Sell Tickets

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-documentary-fails-to-sell-tickets/

Published: February 1, 2026 22:25

Poor ticket sales for Melania Trump’s documentary Melania have led to rescue efforts by the GOP that include buying out theater seats to mask the film’s box office struggles, though many are reportedly still uninterested in attending screenings even when


TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein

https://theonion.com/tiktok-blocks-mentions-of-jeffrey-epstein/

Published: January 30, 2026 20:22

TikTok users in the U.S. claimed they were unable to write the word “Epstein” in messages, fueling accusations that the social media platform is suppressing content. What do you think? The post TikTok Blocks Mentions Of Jeffrey Epstein appeared first on


RFK Jr. Demonstrates How To Remove Tapeworm By Scooting Ass Across Carpet

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-demonstrates-how-to-remove-tapeworm-by-scooting-ass-across-carpet/

Published: January 30, 2026 18:12

WASHINGTON—In an address touting the practice as a completely drug-free method to relieve the common affliction, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. demonstrated Thursday how to remove a tapeworm by scooting one’s ass across


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