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Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In
https://theonion.com/al-michaels-recaps-history-of-football-for-viewers-just-tuning-in/
Published: September 19, 2025 00:15
ORCHARD PARK, NYâProviding context for anyone who mightâve missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday nightâs Dolphins-Bills game to recap the entire history of American footballâŚ
Charlie Kirk, Not In His Own Words: We Honor The Right-Wing Activist By Making Up Quotes That Sound Much Better, Given The Moment
Published: September 18, 2025 19:59
The post Charlie Kirk, Not In His Own Words: We Honor The Right-Wing Activist By Making Up Quotes That Sound Much Better, Given The Moment appeared first on The Onion.
Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List For Cover Up
https://theonion.com/murder-suspect-found-to-have-to-do-list-for-cover-up/
Published: September 18, 2025 19:16
A Kentucky man was arrested after allegedly killing his partner and leaving behind a to-do list, which included instructions to clean blood, dispose of the body, and hide evidence. What do you think? The post Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List ForâŚ
Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV
https://theonion.com/nation-grateful-to-gop-for-protecting-it-from-tv/
Published: September 18, 2025 19:14
WASHINGTONâThanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans for protecting them from TV. âThank God we have the GOP to safeguard usâŚ
Fox News Host Apologizes For Saying Mentally Ill Homeless People Should Be Executed
Published: September 18, 2025 15:50
Fox News host Brian Kilmeade apologized for saying that mentally ill homeless people should be subject to âinvoluntary lethal injectionsâ, a remark he now calls âextremely callous.â What do you think? The post Fox News Host Apologizes For Saying MentallyâŚ
Taylor Swift Breaks Down âThe Life Of A Showgirlâ Track By Track
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-breaks-down-the-life-of-a-showgirl-track-by-track/
Published: September 18, 2025 15:28
The Life Of A Showgirl, Taylor Swiftâs newest album, will be released Oct. 3. The pop star gave The Onion a preview of the album, breaking it down for reporters track by track. âThe Fate of Opheliaâ: âThis is my gentle hint to fans that I will die oneâŚ
Netanyahu: âThese So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Livesâ
Published: September 18, 2025 15:23
JERUSALEMâIn response to an independent United Nations inquiry concluding that Israel is committing an ongoing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu issued a defiant statement Thursday in which he criticized theâŚ
Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From
Published: September 18, 2025 15:21
LONDONâClaiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the U.K. trying to figure out where he knows Prince Andrew from, sources confirmed Thursday. âWho is that guy?âŚ
Post-HGTV Disaster
https://theonion.com/post-hgtv-disaster/
Published: September 18, 2025 13:00
This three-bedroom house was remodeled to look like a giant meatball after the owner mentioned to the host of an HGTV show that he sometimes eats Italian food. The post Post-HGTV Disaster appeared first on The Onion.
New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver
https://theonion.com/new-uber-feature-allows-women-to-request-nonthreatening-eunuch-driver/
Published: September 17, 2025 13:00
SAN FRANCISCOâIn response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. âWith UberCastrated, female ridersâŚ
That Fucker
https://theonion.com/that-fucker/
Published: September 17, 2025 13:00
That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit. The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.
Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox
https://theonion.com/luna-fisher-and-oliver-cox/
Published: September 17, 2025 13:00
Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest. The post Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox appeared first on The Onion.
Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts
https://theonion.com/tom-cruise-buys-fitbit-to-help-him-get-10000-daily-stunts/
Published: September 17, 2025 13:00
CLEARWATER, FLâExplaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in his 10,000 daily stunts. âNow that Iâm getting older, itâs more important than ever to make sure IâmâŚ
NIH Directorâs Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts
https://theonion.com/nih-directors-pulsing-neck-tumor-announces-cancer-research-cuts/
Published: September 16, 2025 17:06
The post NIH Directorâs Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm
https://theonion.com/cornell-students-skin-butcher-dead-bear-in-dorm/
Published: September 16, 2025 13:18
Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with the undergrads having valid hunting licenses and not appearing to run afoul of the law. What do youâŚ
As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any
https://theonion.com/as-good-a-place-to-become-embroiled-in-conspiracy-theories-as-any/
Published: September 16, 2025 13:17
This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if youâre going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it doesnât really matter. Reference #57893 The post As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any appeared first onâŚ
Jeanâs Own Goals
https://theonion.com/jeans-own-goals/
Published: September 16, 2025 13:13
So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your olâ pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping hot cocoa, and chowed down on the last of the two-day-old day-old cinnamon rolls, took a nice hotâŚ
Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours
https://theonion.com/report-finds-majority-of-fumbles-recovered-within-first-48-hours/
Published: September 16, 2025 13:03
NEW YORKâIn an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football League confirmed Friday that the majority of fumbles were recovered within the first 48 hours.âŚ
Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk
https://theonion.com/report-you-to-be-fired-for-reading-this-headline-about-charlie-kirk/
Published: September 16, 2025 12:58
NEW YORKâInsisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. âShortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and yourâŚ
Bombshell âWall Street Journalâ Investigation Finds Tyler Robinson Once Had Trans Uber Driver
Published: September 15, 2025 20:54
ST. GEORGE, UTâAs questions continue to swirl regarding the motive behind last weekâs assassination of Charlie Kirk, The Wall Street Journal published a bombshell investigation Monday that suggests alleged gunman Tyler Robinson, 22, once had a transgenderâŚ
The Onionâs Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom
https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-gavin-newsom/
Published: September 15, 2025 19:10
Gov. Gavin Newsom has gained increasing national attention for targeting President Donald Trump in the media, reportedly boosting his national standing as the unofficial Democratic frontrunner for 2028, according to polls. The Onion sat down with theâŚ
Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke
https://theonion.com/charli-xcx-george-daniel-gather-wedding-guests-to-cut-the-coke/
Published: September 15, 2025 19:02
SCOPELLO, SICILYâBeaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. âWow, just look at that thingâitâs gorgeous,â said wedding guestâŚ
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooterâs Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases
https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
Published: September 15, 2025 18:58
WASHINGTON, UTâAs he described a massive backlog of murders that continued to stump the agency he leads, desperate FBI director Kash Patel reportedly asked the family of alleged Charlie Kirk assassin Tyler Robinson on Monday if they could solve any otherâŚ
State Department Threatens Immigrants Who Mock Charlie Kirkâs Death
https://theonion.com/state-department-threatens-immigrants-who-mock-charlie-kirks-death/
Published: September 15, 2025 18:41
The U.S. State Department said it may review the legal status of immigrants who âpraise, rationalize, or make lightâ of Charlie Kirkâs fatal shooting. What do you think? The post State Department Threatens Immigrants Who Mock Charlie Kirkâs Death appearedâŚ
Minor League Play-By-Play Announcer Just Sounds Like Normal Guy
https://theonion.com/minor-league-play-by-play-announcer-just-sounds-like-normal-guy/
Published: September 15, 2025 13:00
The post Minor League Play-By-Play Announcer Just Sounds Like Normal Guy appeared first on The Onion.
Aâs Fans Unable To Sustain The Wave Over Chasm Of 7,000 Empty Seats
https://theonion.com/as-fans-unable-to-sustain-the-wave-over-chasm-of-7000-empty-seats/
Published: September 15, 2025 13:00
The post Aâs Fans Unable To Sustain The Wave Over Chasm Of 7,000 Empty Seats appeared first on The Onion.
911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered
https://theonion.com/911-operator-walks-panicked-woman-through-being-murdered/
Published: September 15, 2025 13:00
DENTON, TXâIn what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 911 operator Justin Lyle had successfully walked panicked woman Jessica Brooks throughâŚ
Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches
https://theonion.com/study-shows-benefits-of-skin-to-skin-contact-between-new-players-coaches/
Published: September 15, 2025 13:00
CAMBRIDGE, MAâDescribing the practice as âvital to player development,â researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation toâŚ
Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin
https://theonion.com/shane-collins-and-charlie-quentin/
Published: September 15, 2025 13:00
The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity. The post Shane Collins and Charlie QuentinâŚ
Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back
https://theonion.com/giants-players-horrified-to-learn-uniforms-have-names-on-back/
Published: September 14, 2025 13:00
ARLINGTON, TXâPanicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the teamâs dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sundayâs game that theirâŚ
Elon Musk Briefly Loses Title Of Worldâs Richest Man
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-briefly-loses-title-of-worlds-richest-man/
Published: September 13, 2025 13:00
Elon Musk was temporarily overtaken as the worldâs richest person by Oracle cofounder Larry Ellison after the companyâs stock surged $100 billion on AI-related cloud computing contracts. What do you think? The post Elon Musk Briefly Loses Title Of WorldâsâŚ
Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham
https://theonion.com/trump-renames-white-house-fridge-department-of-ham/
Published: September 12, 2025 20:06
WASHINGTONâFulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive order this week officially renaming the White House refrigerator the U.S. Department ofâŚ
Artist Profile: Sombr
https://theonion.com/artist-profile-sombr/
Published: September 12, 2025 17:18
Sombr, the artist behind hits âUndressedâ and âBack To Friends,â won his first ever award at the 2025 MTV VMAs on Sunday. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the singer. Birthplace: Liminal space Age: However old Sufjan Stevensâ IllinoisâŚ
Treasury Secretary Bessent Threatens To Punch Senior Trump Official In Face
https://theonion.com/treasury-secretary-bessent-threatens-to-punch-senior-trump-official-in-face/
Published: September 12, 2025 15:12
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent erupted at top housing finance official Bill Pulte during a private dinner, threatening to âpunch [him] in [his] fucking faceâ after learning Pulte had allegedly bad-mouthed him to President Trump. What do you think? TheâŚ
Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit
https://theonion.com/raid-introduces-new-bug-doxxing-kit/
Published: September 12, 2025 13:00
RACINE, WIâSaying the new product âattacks and intimidates pests right where they live,â popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday. âOur complete doxxing system brings insect eradication into the 21st century byâŚ
Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing
https://theonion.com/family-views-getting-sunburned-as-moral-failing/
Published: September 12, 2025 13:00
DESTIN, FLâIn an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their viewpoint Monday that getting sunburned was a moral failing. âSome people justâŚ
Freida Meeks
https://theonion.com/freida-meeks/
Published: September 12, 2025 13:00
Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months. The post Freida Meeks appeared first on The Onion.
The Onionâs Guide To The Emmys
https://theonion.com/the-onions-guide-to-the-emmys/
Published: September 12, 2025 13:00
The 77th Primetime Emmy Awards will be broadcast on Sunday, Sept. 14. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this yearâs most lauded TV series. Adolescence Synopsis: A psychological drama about every parentâs worst nightmare: their child beingâŚ
Study: Warmer Weather Drives More Sugar Consumption
https://theonion.com/study-warmer-weather-drives-more-sugar-consumption/
Published: September 11, 2025 19:38
A study published in Nature Climate Change found that warmer temperatures drive Americans to consume more added sugar, especially from sodas and frozen treats. What do you think? The post Study: Warmer Weather Drives More Sugar Consumption appeared firstâŚ
Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now
https://theonion.com/visit-from-jd-vance-last-thing-utah-needs-right-now/
Published: September 11, 2025 19:27
SALT LAKE CITYâAlarmed by numerous reports that the vice president was currently en route to the state, sources confirmed Thursday that a visit from JD Vance was the last thing Utah needed right now. âWeâre already going through a lot, but to add JD VanceâŚ
Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus
Published: September 11, 2025 19:20
OREM, UTâAs law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just anâŚ
Trump: âPolitical Violence Has No Place In My Inner Circleâ
https://theonion.com/trump-political-violence-has-no-place-in-my-inner-circle/
Published: September 11, 2025 18:53
The post Trump: âPolitical Violence Has No Place In My Inner Circleâ appeared first on The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago
https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-deploying-troops-to-chicago/
Published: September 11, 2025 18:43
Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending troops to the city. PRO They get to see where The Good Wife took placeâŚ
Justice Barrett Defends Overturning âRoe v. Wadeâ
https://theonion.com/justice-barrett-defends-overturning-roe-v-wade/
Published: September 11, 2025 17:43
In her first television interview since joining the Supreme Court, Justice Amy Coney Barrett defended the Dobbs decision overturning Roe v. Wade, claiming abortion policy should be left to state legislatures. What do you think? The post Justice BarrettâŚ
Ashley Byron and Connor Smith
https://theonion.com/ashley-byron-and-connor-smith/
Published: September 11, 2025 13:00
The happy couple tied the knot in a small ceremony at a local courthouse since they were there for Smithâs arraignment anyway. The post Ashley Byron and Connor Smith appeared first on The Onion.
Câmon, Everybody, Thereâs Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once!
Published: September 11, 2025 13:00
Gather âround, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyoneâs help. It may seem far-fetched at firstâthe ravings of yet another humble dreamer. But I really believe that we canâŚ
Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-buys-bar-round-of-f-22-fighter-jets/
Published: September 11, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâAttempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be buying everyone in the bar a round of F-22 fighter jets. âGuys, the next round ofâŚ
Emerald Fennell Assures Fans âWuthering Heightsâ Will Be Faithful Adaptation Of âTwilightâ
Published: September 11, 2025 13:00
LONDONâPromising a âdark, brooding romance,â Wuthering Heights director Emerald Fennell assured fans Thursday that her new movie would be a faithful adaptation of Twilight. âWhen you take on a classic, people are understandably going to have strongâŚ
Home Depot Garden Center Offering 1.5 Cubic Feet Of Squirrels
https://theonion.com/home-depot-garden-center-offering-1-5-cubic-feet-of-squirrels/
Published: September 11, 2025 13:00
The post Home Depot Garden Center Offering 1.5 Cubic Feet Of Squirrels appeared first on The Onion.
ATP Reveals Theyâre Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From
https://theonion.com/atp-reveals-theyre-not-sure-where-ball-boys-come-from/
Published: September 10, 2025 15:17
LONDONâAdmitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they werenât entirely sure where ball boys came from. âPeople always assume the ball boys areâŚ
U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section
https://theonion.com/u-s-citizenship-test-to-include-4-year-imprisonment-section/
Published: September 10, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâStating that the countryâs naturalization process was âhighly outdated,â White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section. âStarting this month, all prospective citizensâŚ
Too Good To Be True
https://theonion.com/too-good-to-be-true/
Published: September 10, 2025 13:00
This flawless four-bedroom Craftsman mirage appears on the horizon to desperate house shoppers, only to disappear as soon as they reach the door. $800,000. Reference #98243 The post Too Good To Be True appeared first on The Onion.
GI Bill Used On Hustlers University
https://theonion.com/gi-bill-used-on-hustlers-university/
Published: September 10, 2025 13:00
ZANESVILLE, OHâDrawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters this week that he had used the GI bill to enroll in Hustlers University.âŚ
Amy Chandler
https://theonion.com/amy-chandler/
Published: September 10, 2025 13:00
Amy Chandler, 38, was burned at the stake for the crime of witchcraft, which is more of an indictment of modern-day Oklahoma than anything. The post Amy Chandler appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Claims He Canât Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters
Published: September 9, 2025 19:18
WASHINGTONâStressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he shouldnât be expected to remember every single birthdayâŚ
4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa
https://theonion.com/4-year-old-accepted-into-mensa/
Published: September 9, 2025 17:58
A 4-year-old from Illinois who scored 156 out of 160 on an IQ test was accepted into Mensa, the largest and oldest high-IQ organization in the world. What do you think? The post 4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa appeared first on The Onion.