đŚ The Onion's Front Page Archive - The Onion
@theonion.com.front-page-archive@rss-parrot.net
I'm an automated parrot! I relay a website's RSS feed to the Fediverse. Every time a new post appears in the feed, I toot about it. Follow me to get all new posts in your Mastodon timeline!
Brought to you by the RSS Parrot.
---
Your feed and you don't want it here? Just
e-mail the birb.
Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk
https://theonion.com/igloo-recalls-coolers-over-finger-amputation-risk/
Published: February 14, 2025 21:10
Igloo is recalling more than 1 million of its coolers following reports that a handle issue led to serious injuries, including fingertip amputations and bone fractures. What do you think?
The post Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk appearedâŚ
Joann Fabrics Announces Plans To Make Mishmash Store Out Of Shuttered Locationsâ Scraps
https://theonion.com/joann-fabrics-announces-plans-to-make-mishmash-store-out-of-shuttered-locations-scraps/
Published: February 14, 2025 20:18
The post Joann Fabrics Announces Plans To Make Mishmash Store Out Of Shuttered Locationsâ Scraps appeared first on The Onion.
JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-sets-out-little-heart-covered-mailbox-on-desk-just-in-case/
Published: February 14, 2025 19:20
The post JD Vance Sets Out Little Heart-Covered Mailbox On Desk Just In Case appeared first on The Onion.
Tips For Embracing Single Life
https://theonion.com/tips-for-embracing-single-life/
Published: February 14, 2025 18:45
Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesnât have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! Thereâs no reason you canât have fun being visibly, utterly alone inâŚ
FTC.Gov Redirects Users To Latvian Sports Gambling Site
https://theonion.com/ftc-gov-redirects-users-to-latvian-sports-gambling-site/
Published: February 14, 2025 18:40
The post FTC.Gov Redirects Users To Latvian Sports Gambling Site appeared first on The Onion.
Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float
https://theonion.com/jalen-carter-flees-scene-in-parade-float/
Published: February 14, 2025 18:38
PHILADELPHIAâLooking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. âOh, goddamn it, move, move!â saidâŚ
New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person
https://theonion.com/new-evidence-suggests-humans-developed-written-language-to-avoid-breaking-up-in-person/
Published: February 14, 2025 17:21
CHICAGOâNoting that early humansâ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking up in person.âŚ
Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches
https://theonion.com/mysterious-tar-balls-washing-up-on-florida-beaches/
Published: February 14, 2025 16:59
The U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches, but so far the source of the black muck remains a mystery. What do you think?
The post Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches appeared firstâŚ
Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize
https://theonion.com/kendrick-lamar-awarded-nobel-beef-prize/
Published: February 14, 2025 16:53
The post Kendrick Lamar Awarded Nobel Beef Prize appeared first on The Onion.
Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegsethâs Security Clearance
https://theonion.com/concerned-bartender-takes-away-pete-hegseths-security-clearance/
Published: February 14, 2025 16:50
ARLINGTON, VAâExpressing unease with his customerâs obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Waller confirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegsethâs security clearance. âLook, buddy, youâre in no conditionâŚ
Reptile Handler At Birthday Party Ruthlessly Heckled By 6-Year-Old For Showing Amphibian
https://theonion.com/reptile-handler-at-birthday-party-ruthlessly-heckled-by-6-year-old-for-showing-amphibian/
Published: February 14, 2025 14:00
CLEVELANDâInterrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported Friday. âOh, comeâŚ
Rising Egg Prices Prompt More Americans To Raise Chickens In Backyard
https://theonion.com/rising-egg-prices-prompt-more-americans-to-raise-chickens-in-backyard/
Published: February 13, 2025 21:16
The skyrocketing price of eggs have caused some shoppers to consider keeping their own backyard laying hens, though experts say there are drawbacks that may make starting a chicken coop more expensive than many believe. What do you think?
The post RisingâŚ
STIs: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/stis-myth-vs-fact/
Published: February 13, 2025 19:20
Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis back withinâŚ
Man Allows All Cookies So Website Wonât Be Mad At Him
https://theonion.com/man-allows-all-cookies-so-website-wont-be-mad-at-him/
Published: February 13, 2025 16:44
BOSTONâSaying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldnât be mad at him. âAh, man, I donât wantâŚ
Elon Musk Humps Nuclear Football
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-humps-nuclear-football/
Published: February 13, 2025 14:00
The post Elon Musk Humps Nuclear Football appeared first on The Onion.
Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Manâs Life That Not Giving Him Cancer
https://theonion.com/wooden-spoon-only-thing-in-mans-life-that-not-giving-him-cancer/
Published: February 13, 2025 14:00
SPARTA, OHâSetting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Daviesâ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters inâŚ
Dunkinâ Pastries Included In Massive Recall
https://theonion.com/dunkin-pastries-included-in-massive-recall/
Published: February 12, 2025 19:45
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkinâ, due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria. What do you think?
The postâŚ
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect
https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/
Published: February 12, 2025 18:39
WASHINGTONâStressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. âThis is a very important opportunity for me, and as such IâmâŚ
Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Minting Pennies
https://theonion.com/trump-orders-treasury-to-stop-minting-pennies/
Published: February 12, 2025 18:11
President Donald Trump directed the Treasury Department to stop minting new pennies, citing the rising cost of producing the one-cent coin. What do you think?
The post Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Minting Pennies appeared first on The Onion.
Man So Hungry He Could Eat An Orange
https://theonion.com/man-so-hungry-he-could-eat-an-orange/
Published: February 12, 2025 15:48
HARTFORD, CTâTelling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. âMan, my stomach has been growling forâŚ
Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Put In Purple Contact Lenses
https://theonion.com/anti-aging-millionaire-announces-he-has-put-in-purple-contact-lenses/
Published: February 12, 2025 15:44
LOS ANGELESâBoasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. âToday, I stand before you a new, younger man who also has violet eyes,ââŚ
Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension
https://theonion.com/jerry-jones-signs-15-year-500-million-life-extension/
Published: February 12, 2025 15:41
ARLINGTON, TXâIn a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. âIâm over the moon to haveâŚ
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation
https://theonion.com/gigslave-goes-public-with-84-billion-valuation/
Published: February 11, 2025 18:11
The post GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation appeared first on The Onion.
Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Canât Stop Thinking About You Either
https://theonion.com/report-honestly-man-you-saw-get-hit-by-bus-cant-stop-thinking-about-you-either/
Published: February 11, 2025 17:52
CHICAGOâAs he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus canât stop thinking about you either. According to witnesses, itâŚ
Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well
https://theonion.com/poll-finds-majority-of-americans-would-support-wind-turbines-if-they-sliced-deli-meat-as-well/
Published: February 11, 2025 17:41
WASHINGTONâIn a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well.âŚ
Long Time No Semen
https://theonion.com/long-time-no-semen/
Published: February 11, 2025 16:34
The post Long Time No Semen appeared first on The Onion.
Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection
https://theonion.com/philadelphia-enjoys-quiet-week-of-super-bowl-victory-reflection/
Published: February 11, 2025 16:31
PHILADELPHIAâWith a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed Tuesday. A state ofâŚ
Investigation Finds Elon Muskâs Hair-Plug Guy Given Highest Security Clearance
https://theonion.com/investigation-finds-elon-musks-hair-plug-guy-given-highest-security-clearance/
Published: February 11, 2025 16:15
WASHINGTONâRaising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Muskâs hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. âRecords indicate that a hairâŚ
Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses
https://theonion.com/man-with-fogged-up-glasses-forced-to-finish-soup-using-other-senses/
Published: February 11, 2025 14:00
ST. GEORGE, UTâWith the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. âIn my blinded state, I mustâŚ
Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed Cityâs Hungover Residents
https://theonion.com/humanitarian-organizations-arrive-in-philadelphia-to-feed-citys-hungover-residents/
Published: February 10, 2025 19:53
PHILADELPHIAâBravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the cityâs hungover residents. âWe cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this hungoverâŚ
Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey
https://theonion.com/colombia-president-claims-cocaine-no-worse-than-whiskey/
Published: February 10, 2025 17:25
Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is ânot worse than whiskeyâ and that itâs only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think?
The post Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than WhiskeyâŚ
Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/bird-flu-myth-vs-fact/
Published: February 10, 2025 14:51
An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has killed over 100âŚ
Kangaroo Embryo Produced Through IVF For First Time
https://theonion.com/kangaroo-embryo-produced-through-ivf-for-first-time/
Published: February 10, 2025 14:48
Researchers in Australia said that they have for the first time successfully produced kangaroo embryos through in-vitro fertilization, a breakthrough that may help save endangered species from extinction. What do you think?
The post Kangaroo EmbryoâŚ
Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card
https://theonion.com/genius-outsmarts-bank-by-using-credit-card-to-pay-off-other-credit-card/
Published: February 10, 2025 14:46
ZANESVILLE, OHâSmugly muttering âwatch and learnâ as he opened his Chase app and pressed the âpay balanceâ button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. âWell, well,âŚ
Lock Clicks Behind Marco Rubio During Tour Of Salvadoran Prison Cell
https://theonion.com/lock-clicks-behind-marco-rubio-during-tour-of-salvadoran-prison-cell/
Published: February 10, 2025 14:44
TECOLUCA, EL SALVADORâExpressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of one of theâŚ
Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: âI Hate All Of You, Fuck Youâ
https://theonion.com/nick-sirianni-to-eagles-fans-i-hate-all-of-you-fuck-you/
Published: February 10, 2025 02:00
NEW ORLEANSâDelivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, âI hate all of you, fuck you.â âItâs sad to think how much greaterâŚ
Heroic Secret Service Agent Shields Trump From Brittany Mahomes
https://theonion.com/heroic-secret-service-agent-shields-trump-from-brittany-mahomes/
Published: February 10, 2025 01:30
NEW ORLEANSâReportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action Sunday and shielded President Donald Trump from an incoming Brittany Mahomes. âWe are trained to identify excruciating conversations fromâŚ
Trump Regales Jackson Mahomes With Tales Of His Old Groping Days
https://theonion.com/trump-regales-jackson-mahomes-with-tales-of-his-old-groping-days/
Published: February 10, 2025 01:30
NEW ORLEANSâClaiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days. âThese young kids actâŚ
Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called âHam Plinkiesâ
https://theonion.com/super-bowl-party-guest-brings-something-called-ham-plinkies/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:45
The post Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called âHam Plinkiesâ appeared first on The Onion.
Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-caught-fingering-taylor-swift-under-super-bowl-bleachers/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:45
The post Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers appeared first on The Onion.
Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance
https://theonion.com/fox-bleeps-out-entire-kendrick-lamar-performance/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:45
NEW ORLEANSâIn an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide âfamily-friendly entertainmentâ for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamarâs entire Super Bowl halftime show. âOur decision to mute all of Mr. Lamarâs lyrics wasâŚ
Secret Service Agent Starstruck After Seeing Taylor Swiftâs Bodyguards
https://theonion.com/secret-service-agent-starstruck-after-seeing-taylor-swifts-bodyguards/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:00
NEW ORLEANSâExpressing awe as they watched the personal security superstarsâ approach, Secret Service agent Neil DeLisle, 34, was reportedly starstruck at the Super Bowl on Sunday after he saw Taylor Swiftâs bodyguards. âHoly cowâthose guys are legit,ââŚ
Man Hangs Arm Off Couch For Rest Of Game Instead Of Washing Sauce Off Fingers
https://theonion.com/man-hangs-arm-off-couch-for-rest-of-game-instead-of-washing-sauce-off-fingers/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:00
The post Man Hangs Arm Off Couch For Rest Of Game Instead Of Washing Sauce Off Fingers appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Asks Which One The Ball
https://theonion.com/trump-asks-which-one-the-ball/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:00
The post Trump Asks Which One The Ball appeared first on The Onion.
Eagles Score On 99-Yard Tush Push
https://theonion.com/eagles-score-on-99-yard-tush-push/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:00
The post Eagles Score On 99-Yard Tush Push appeared first on The Onion.
Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-plays-super-bowl-in-gucci-bucket-helmet/
Published: February 10, 2025 00:00
The post Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet appeared first on The Onion.
Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes
https://theonion.com/super-bowl-coin-toss-fractures-world-into-infinite-multiverses-where-eagles-win-lose-earth-explodes/
Published: February 9, 2025 23:30
NEW ORLEANSâRevealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had fractured the world into an infinite number of multiverses in which the Eagles win, theâŚ
Andy Reid Removes Bald Cap for National Anthem
https://theonion.com/andy-reid-removes-bald-cap-for-national-anthem/
Published: February 9, 2025 23:30
The post Andy Reid Removes Bald Cap for National Anthem appeared first on The Onion.
NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear âFight Bigotryâ Jockstraps
https://theonion.com/nfl-confirms-players-will-still-wear-fight-bigotry-jockstraps/
Published: February 9, 2025 16:00
NEW ORLEANSâInsisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their âFight Bigotryâ jockstraps at the Super Bowl. âTrust us, when you tune into tonightâs game,âŚ
Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol In Wheelchair After Fall
https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-leaves-capitol-in-wheelchair-after-fall/
Published: February 7, 2025 20:40
Senator Mitch McConnell fell twice and was escorted out of the Capitol in a wheelchair as a precautionary measure, one of multiple health issues the former majority leader has had in recent years. What do you think?
The post Mitch McConnell Leaves CapitolâŚ
Artist Profile: Kendrick Lamar
https://theonion.com/artist-profile-kendrick-lamar/
Published: February 7, 2025 19:12
Fresh off five wins at the Grammys, rapper Kendrick Lamar will headline Super Bowl LIXâs halftime show this Sunday. Here is everything you need to know about the artist. Birthplace: Calabasas, CA Genre: Grammy rap Favorite Instrument: Mouth Childhood PenâŚ
Pioneering Female Archaeologist In Google Doodle Bears Silent Witness To Manâs Search For âZootopiaâ Porn
https://theonion.com/pioneering-female-archaeologist-in-google-doodle-bears-silent-witness-to-mans-search-for-zootopia-porn/
Published: February 7, 2025 14:00
BALTIMOREâMutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a Google Doodle bore silent witness to local man Daniel Thornsteinâs search for Zootopia porn, sources reported Friday. Harriet BoydâŚ
Trump Struggling To Remember How He Related To Elon Musk
https://theonion.com/trump-struggling-to-remember-how-he-related-to-elon-musk/
Published: February 7, 2025 14:00
WASHINGTONâTrying to figure out if he had a third brother he forgot about or if Don Jr. had just lost some weight, President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to remember how he was related to Elon Musk. âI know that if heâs this high up in myâŚ
Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover Of Gaza
https://theonion.com/trump-proposes-u-s-takeover-of-gaza/
Published: February 6, 2025 20:00
President Trump declared that the United States should seize control of Gaza and permanently displace the entire Palestinian population of the devastated seaside enclave, one of the most brazen ideas that any American leader has advanced in years. What doâŚ
Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover
https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-vows-to-continue-falling-down-stairs-in-face-of-fascist-takeover/
Published: February 6, 2025 19:25
WASHINGTONâRebuking President Trumpâs decision to pardon Jan. 6 rioters, Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) staunchly vowed this week to continue falling down stairs in the face of an apparent fascist takeover. âI can no longer physically stand upright for aâŚ
NBC Producers Deny Using AI In New Series âDetective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Showâ
https://theonion.com/nbc-producers-deny-using-ai-in-new-series-detective-fireman-lawyer-chicago-los-angeles-show/
Published: February 6, 2025 18:31
NEW YORKâIssuing a categorical denial of the accusations, NBC producers announced Thursday there was absolutely no usage of artificial intelligence in the new series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show. âAt NBC, we are passionate aboutâŚ
âThe Simsâ Turns 25
https://theonion.com/the-sims-turns-25/
Published: February 6, 2025 18:20
The Sims, which has sold nearly 200 million copies, celebrates its 25th anniversary this February. In honor of the video game franchise, The Onion looks back at its key milestones. 1977: Will Wright gets a great idea for a video game while watching aâŚ