RSS Parrot

BETA

🦜 The Onion's Front Page Archive - The Onion

@theonion.com.front-page-archive@rss-parrot.net

I'm an automated parrot! I relay a website's RSS feed to the Fediverse. Every time a new post appears in the feed, I toot about it. Follow me to get all new posts in your Mastodon timeline! Brought to you by the RSS Parrot.

---

Your feed and you don't want it here? Just e-mail the birb.

Site URL: theonion.com/front-page-archive

Feed URL: theonion.com/feed

Posts: 55

Followers: 1

CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus

https://theonion.com/cia-experiencing-mass-exodus/

Published: October 23, 2026 17:25

The Central Intelligence Agency is experiencing a historic surge of departures as the Trump administration pushes veteran officers to resign or retire. What do you think? The post CIA Experiencing Mass Exodus appeared first on The Onion.

Tips For Reducing Sodium Intake

https://theonion.com/tips-for-reducing-sodium-intake/

Published: October 23, 2026 15:38

With millions of Americans consuming far more sodium than is recommended by doctors, many are looking for ways to cut back. The Onion shares tips for lowering the amount of salt in your diet. Stay away from foods with red-flag terms on the label like…

Powerball Adds Essay Section

https://theonion.com/powerball-adds-essay-section/

Published: October 23, 2026 15:36

CLIVE, IA—In an effort to make their selection process more robust and holistic, officials at the multistate lottery game Powerball announced Friday the addition of an essay section. “In order to learn more about the wide range of people interested in…

DC Clarifies ‘Clayface’ Not Connected To Matt Reeves’ ‘Batman’ Unless It Actually Is

https://theonion.com/dc-clarifies-clayface-not-connected-to-matt-reeves-batman-unless-it-actually-is/

Published: October 23, 2026 14:59

BURBANK, CA—Attempting to outline plans for their cinematic universe to fans, producers at DC Studios clarified in a press statement Friday that the new film Clayface was not connected to Matt Reeves’ The Batman, unless they decided it actually was. “With…

Dad Losing His Fucking Mind Over Box Seat Amenities

https://theonion.com/dad-losing-his-fucking-mind-over-box-seat-amenities/

Published: October 23, 2026 14:48

CHICAGO—Dashing from station to station in a state of pure delirium as he gazed upon the endless spread of complimentary food and drinks, local dad Bruce Etheridge was reportedly losing his fucking mind Tuesday over the box suite amenities at a Blackhawks…

‘Now My Breasts Are Over Here,’ Announces Sydney Sweeney Peeking Out From Oak Tree

https://theonion.com/now-my-breasts-are-over-here-announces-sydney-sweeney-peeking-out-from-oak-tree/

Published: October 23, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Peeking out from behind the trunk with a mischievous grin on her face, actress Sydney Sweeney announced, “Now my breasts are over here!” from behind an old oak tree Friday. “He-he, it’s me,” said the 29-year-old Euphoria and Anyone But You…

Plan To Splurge Scrapped On Account Of Price

https://theonion.com/plan-to-splurge-scrapped-on-account-of-price/

Published: October 22, 2026 19:30

SAN FRANCISCO—Immediately reconsidering her decision to treat herself to a little spending spree upon seeing how much it would cost, local woman Christina Rogers reportedly scrapped her plan to splurge Thursday on account of the price. “I told myself I was…

Mom Making Her Birthday All About Her

https://theonion.com/mom-making-her-birthday-all-about-her/

Published: October 22, 2026 17:46

DAVENPORT, IA—In a shocking and distressing display of self-centered behavior on “this day of all days,” the grown children of Lynn Sullivan confirmed Thursday that their mom was making her birthday entirely about her. “It’s just ‘me, me, me,’ with her…

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Elizabeth Holmes

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-elizabeth-holmes/

Published: October 22, 2026 15:55

You Can See Everything, a documentary that follows Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes in the month before her prison sentence, has debuted to critical acclaim. The Onion sat down with Holmes to discuss what’s new. The Onion : Can we get you anything before…

Pelicans Announce Upcoming ‘Basketball Night’

https://theonion.com/pelicans-announce-upcoming-basketball-night/

Published: October 22, 2026 13:00

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to boost attendance and reach new fans, the New Orleans Pelicans announced Tuesday an upcoming “Basketball Night” promotion honoring the popular sport. “Fans at the game on Mar. 11 will not only get to see their hometown Pelicans,…

Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg

https://theonion.com/surgeons-amputate-wrong-leg/

Published: October 22, 2026 13:00

An Ohio woman sued a hospital after surgeons there allegedly amputated the wrong leg, mistakenly removing her left leg instead of the intended right. What do you think? The post Surgeons Amputate Wrong Leg appeared first on The Onion.

Fired General Warned Of Missile Shortages Before Iran War

https://theonion.com/fired-general-warned-of-missile-shortages-before-iran-war/

Published: October 21, 2026 16:26

Gen. Randy George, the Army chief of staff since ousted by Defense Secretary Hegseth, warned of critically low stockpiles of U.S. interceptor missiles two months before the Iran War started, estimating the shortage would last until 2030. What do you think?…

Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain

https://theonion.com/diagram-of-a-patriots-brain/

Published: October 21, 2026 14:31

Beyond its laws and leaders, what has allowed the United States to prosper for so long is the unique physiology of its most ardent citizens. Here is a complete diagram of a patriot's brain. The post Diagram Of A Patriot’s Brain appeared first on The Onion.

Whoever Says My Name On TV Gets My Vote

https://theonion.com/whoever-says-my-name-on-tv-gets-my-vote/

Published: October 21, 2026 14:29

With the election fast approaching, the stakes for democracy couldn’t be clearer. We’re deciding the fate of our country for the next two years. Because of that, some voters will base their decisions purely on party. Others have specific issues in mind.…

Phoebe Bridgers Sends Warning To Fans By Executing Phone On Stage

https://theonion.com/phoebe-bridgers-sends-warning-to-fans-by-executing-phone-on-stage/

Published: October 21, 2026 14:13

SALT LAKE CITY—Emphasizing that the ban on electronic recording devices was a rule, not a suggestion, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers reportedly sent a warning to fans at the Delta Center on Wednesday by executing a phone on stage. “Well, well, well,…

AOC Tidies Up In Case Federal Agents Stop By For Raid

https://theonion.com/aoc-tidies-up-in-case-federal-agents-stop-by-for-raid/

Published: October 20, 2026 17:14

NEW YORK—Frantically fluffing pillows and folding blankets in preparation for unannounced visitors, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted tidying up her apartment this week in case federal agents stopped by for a raid. “You never know when you’re going…

Druid Loving This Cloak Weather

https://theonion.com/druid-loving-this-cloak-weather/

Published: October 20, 2026 13:00

HILL OF TARA, IRELAND—Visibly beaming as he took in the crisp weather and mist-swathed heath on his way to the stone circle, local druid Fográith of the Mountains announced Friday that he was really loving this cloak weather. “Oh man, there’s nothing…

‘Whalefall’ Writer Reveals Story Inspired By Time He Ate A Scuba Diver

https://theonion.com/whalefall-writer-reveals-story-inspired-by-time-he-ate-a-scuba-diver/

Published: October 20, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Noting that one’s own life often provided the best material, Whalefall novelist and screenwriter Daniel Kraus revealed Tuesday that the story was inspired by the time he ate a scuba diver. “My best writing usually comes from a personal place,…

Trump Boasts Tariffs A Huge Success At Making Things Expensive

https://theonion.com/trump-boasts-tariffs-a-huge-success-at-making-things-expensive/

Published: October 19, 2026 18:54

WASHINGTON—Touting the enormous impact his trade policy has had on the economy, President Donald Trump boasted in a speech Monday that the tariffs he had imposed on goods from other countries had proven highly successful at making things more expensive.…

Voter Fraud By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/voter-fraud-by-the-numbers/

Published: October 19, 2026 15:45

President Trump has made repeated claims of widespread voter fraud as a justification for changes to electoral and election monitoring systems. The Onion looks at key figures behind Trump’s assertions of election rigging. 22 States where voter fraud is…

Trump Slams The Beauty Of A Lotus Flower In Scathing Truth Social Haiku

https://theonion.com/trump-slams-the-beauty-of-a-lotus-flower-in-scathing-truth-social-haiku/

Published: October 19, 2026 15:42

WASHINGTON—Tearing into the sacred plant in a brief but devastating poem, a reportedly livid President Donald Trump slammed the beauty of the lotus flower Monday in a scathing Truth Social haiku. “PATHETIC FLOWER,” the president wrote in an all-caps…

FBI Investigating Suspicious Substance Sent To Congressional Offices

https://theonion.com/fbi-investigating-suspicious-substance-sent-to-congressional-offices/

Published: October 19, 2026 15:13

As it investigates a suspicious substance found in letters sent to congressional and election offices around the country, the FBI is urging recipients to exercise caution due to the potentially hazardous nature of the powdery material. What do you think?…

Poll: Majority Of Americans Still Go Bonkers For Amber Waves Of Grain

https://theonion.com/poll-majority-of-americans-still-go-bonkers-for-amber-waves-of-grain/

Published: October 19, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Underscoring the enduring power of a gorgeous, swaying crop to make Americans hoot and holler, a Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that a majority of Americans still go bonkers for amber waves of grain. “According to our research,…

Weird Cleveland Browns Fan Has No Children On Team

https://theonion.com/weird-cleveland-browns-fan-has-no-children-on-team/

Published: October 18, 2026 16:50

CLEVELAND—Struggling to comprehend why anyone would voluntarily be there without a loved one on the field, sources at Sunday’s Cleveland Browns game expressed confusion over a fan who did not appear to have a child on the team. “Wait…so he just wanted to…

What To Know About Trump’s Russia Diesel Deal

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-trumps-russia-diesel-deal/

Published: October 17, 2026 18:49

In an effort to lower gas prices ahead of the midterm elections, President Trump agreed to temporarily lift sanctions on Russian diesel exports. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the energy deal struck with Russian President Vladimir…

Trump Cancels Planned Livestream Of Jon Ossoff’s Execution

https://theonion.com/trump-cancels-planned-livestream-of-jon-ossoffs-execution/

Published: October 16, 2026 17:26

WASHINGTON—Calling off the event that some had labeled “controversial,” President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was canceling the planned livestream execution of Sen. Jon Ossoff (D-GA). “I still believe it would have been a strong deterrent for the…

New Evidence Suggests Amelia Earhart Was Accepted Into Crab Society

https://theonion.com/new-evidence-suggests-amelia-earhart-was-accepted-into-crab-society/

Published: October 16, 2026 17:24

NIKUMARORO, KIRIBATI—Claiming to have finally solved the longstanding mystery surrounding the missing aviator’s ultimate fate, a team of Purdue University researchers announced Friday they had found new evidence suggesting Amelia Earhart was accepted into…

Lena Dunham Announces ‘Girls’ Coming Back For 5 More Controversies

https://theonion.com/lena-dunham-announces-girls-coming-back-for-5-more-controversies/

Published: October 16, 2026 17:22

LONDON—Thanking HBO for the opportunity to provoke all over again, Girls creator Lena Dunham announced Friday that the series was coming back for five more controversies. “So much has changed in the world since the show ended nine years ago, and I’m…

Sweaty Youth Soccer Team Stinking Up Entire Red Robin

https://theonion.com/sweaty-youth-soccer-team-stinking-up-entire-red-robin/

Published: October 16, 2026 13:00

COLUMBUS, OH—As they ran freely between tables and emitted a powerful odor of sweat, grass, and damp polyester, a youth soccer team was stinking up an entire Red Robin following a morning tournament, restaurant patrons confirmed Saturday. “They’re climbing…

Weird Family Settles Disputes Calmly, Respectfully

https://theonion.com/weird-family-settles-disputes-calmly-respectfully/

Published: October 16, 2026 13:00

ST. LOUIS—Drawing skeptical gazes from onlookers for their peculiar approach to resolving conflicts, a weird family at a local bistro reportedly settled a series of disputes calmly and respectfully Friday. “It’s crazy—they spoke one at a time, listened to…

DHS Raids Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Home

https://theonion.com/dhs-raids-rep-ilhan-omars-home/

Published: October 15, 2026 20:05

Department of Homeland Security agents raided the home of Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN), prompting accusations of political retribution by the Trump administration ahead of the midterm elections. What do you think? The post DHS Raids Rep. Ilhan Omar’s Home…

Somersaulting RFK Jr. Excitedly Chases Own Penis Through Cabinet Meeting

https://theonion.com/somersaulting-rfk-jr-excitedly-chases-own-penis-through-cabinet-meeting/

Published: October 15, 2026 19:00

WASHINGTON—Interrupting a heated discussion about national cybersecurity vulnerabilities with a series of high-pitched squeals, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly spent Thursday’s Cabinet meeting somersaulting across the…

Maybe It’s The Neurosyphilis Talking, But I’m Proud Of What America’s Become

https://theonion.com/maybe-its-the-neurosyphilis-talking-but-im-proud-of-what-americas-become/

Published: October 15, 2026 13:00

You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still…

Trump Claims He Shared Cell With James Talarico In Insane Asylum

https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-shared-cell-with-james-talarico-in-insane-asylum/

Published: October 15, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. “Talarico says he was…

Natalie Harp Raids Trump’s Underwear Drawer

https://theonion.com/natalie-harp-raids-trumps-underwear-drawer/

Published: October 15, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief’s briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump’s underwear drawer. “We heard muffled…

America’s Greatest Inventions

https://theonion.com/americas-greatest-inventions/

Published: October 14, 2026 20:13

The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year. The post America’s Greatest Inventions appeared first on The Onion.

Report: More Americans Opting To Be Buried In Unknowing Neighbor’s Backyard

https://theonion.com/report-more-americans-opting-to-be-buried-in-unknowing-neighbors-backyard/

Published: October 14, 2026 17:57

BROOKFIELD, WI—Tracking a shift to a more sustainable and budget-friendly method of handling human remains, a report released Wednesday by the National Funeral Directors Association found that an increasing number of Americans were opting to be buried in…

Rockstar Announces ‘GTA VI’ Soundtrack Contains 10,000 Songs By Randy Newman

https://theonion.com/rockstar-announces-gta-vi-soundtrack-contains-10000-songs-by-randy-newman/

Published: October 13, 2026 18:11

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Fanning hype for its upcoming open-world sandbox game by teasing a copious collection of tracks from the legendary singer-songwriter and film composer, Rockstar Games announced in a press release Tuesday that the Grand Theft Auto VI…

Smoothie Shop Workers Not As Excited For Man’s Birthday As Marketing Email Made It Seem

https://theonion.com/smoothie-shop-workers-not-as-excited-for-mans-birthday-as-marketing-email-made-it-seem/

Published: October 13, 2026 13:00

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying it was disappointing to enter the smoothie shop and not be greeted by streamers or decorations, local man Ryan Hunter confirmed Tuesday that workers at Sweetgrass Juicery were not as excited for his birthday as the marketing email had…

Timeline Of President–Press Relations

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-president-press-relations/

Published: October 13, 2026 13:00

Interactions between the president and the free press have been central to the United States since the nation’s founding. The Onion takes a look back at key moments that have shaped the executive branch’s relationship with the Fourth Estate. 1803 Local…