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Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke
https://theonion.com/everyone-in-oval-office-meeting-currently-in-some-stage-of-stroke/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
The post Everyone In Oval Office Meeting Currently In Some Stage Of Stroke appeared first on The Onion.
Dugout Floor Covered In Spat-Out Clamshells
https://theonion.com/dugout-floor-covered-in-spat-out-clamshells/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
The post Dugout Floor Covered In Spat-Out Clamshells appeared first on The Onion.
Bestselling Beach Reads
https://theonion.com/bestselling-beach-reads/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
The Onion selects the best books to take on vacation this year. The post Bestselling Beach Reads appeared first on The Onion.
Tourist Disappointed To Leave Scotland Without Seeing Single Fat Bastard
https://theonion.com/tourist-disappointed-to-leave-scotland-without-seeing-single-fat-bastard/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
EDINBURGH, SCOTLANDâSighing as he prepared to board a bus to the airport for his return flight home, American tourist Ben Frachs reported feeling disappointed Friday to be leaving Scotland without having seen a single Fat Bastard. âI canât believe I didnâtâŚ
One-Week Sober Man Thought All Problems Would Be Fixed By Now
https://theonion.com/one-week-sober-man-thought-all-problems-would-be-fixed-by-now/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
CHARLOTTE, NCâAdmitting he was baffled that the seven days without whiskey hadnât already made him a high-functioning member of society, local one-week sober man Trent Ross told reporters Friday he thought all his problems would have been fixed by now.âŚ
Mamdani Urges Feds To Arrest Netanyahu
https://theonion.com/mamdani-urges-feds-to-arrest-netanyahu/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani called on the federal government to execute the International Criminal Courtâs arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while he attends the U.N. General Assembly, claiming that New York City did notâŚ
Whoâs Bad?
https://theonion.com/whos-bad/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
The post Whoâs Bad? appeared first on The Onion.
Tips For Karaoke
https://theonion.com/tips-for-karaoke/
Published: July 24, 2026 13:00
Whether youâre out on the town or throwing a cozy event at home, karaoke can be a fun and cathartic group activity. The Onion shares tips for your next karaoke night. Hold the microphone one to two inches into your mouth. Pick a crowd-pleasing oldie thatâŚ
The Onionâs Exclusive Interview With Zendaya
https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-zendaya/
Published: July 23, 2026 16:36
With her roles in the current and upcoming blockbusters The Odyssey, Spider-Man: Brand New Day, and Dune: Part Three, Zendaya is having a banner year. The Onion sat down with the star to discuss whatâs new and whatâs next. The Onionâ: What drew you to TheâŚ
Law Roach Asks Store Associate If She Has Tom Holland In Different Size
https://theonion.com/law-roach-asks-store-associate-if-she-has-tom-holland-in-different-size/
Published: July 23, 2026 16:33
LOS ANGELESâNoting that the extra small available on the sales floor just wouldnât work for his client, Zendayaâs stylist Law Roach reportedly asked a store associate Thursday if she had Tom Holland in any other sizes. âExcuse me? This sample size wonâtâŚ
Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida
https://theonion.com/tate-brothers-arrested-in-florida/
Published: July 23, 2026 13:00
Influencers Andrew and Tristan Tate were arrested in Florida on rape and sex trafficking charges and now face potential extradition to the U.K. What do you think? The post Tate Brothers Arrested In Florida appeared first on The Onion.
âI Was Once A Normal Little Boy Like You,â Disney World Donald Duck Warns Terrified Child
Published: July 23, 2026 13:00
ORLANDO, FLâIn what eyewitnesses described as a deeply disturbing and totally unhinged interaction, a Disney World Donald Duck reportedly warned a terrified child Thursday that he was once a normal little boy. âI may look like a silly anthropomorphic duck,âŚ
âThatâs All Iâm Saying,â Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff
https://theonion.com/thats-all-im-saying-repeats-man-who-keeps-saying-more-stuff/
Published: July 23, 2026 13:00
The post âThatâs All Iâm Saying,â Repeats Man Who Keeps Saying More Stuff appeared first on The Onion.
Study: Majority Of Americans Would Benefit From Decreased Phone Use During Sex
https://theonion.com/study-majority-of-americans-would-benefit-from-decreased-phone-use-during-sex/
Published: July 23, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâShedding light on the negative effects of excessive screen time, a new study from Georgetown University published Thursday found that most Americans would benefit from cutting down on phone use during sex. âNew data suggests setting down yourâŚ
New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip
https://theonion.com/new-geneva-convention-allows-use-of-child-soldiers-with-signed-permission-slip/
Published: July 23, 2026 13:00
GENEVAâIn an effort to codify parental oversight for underage troops, a new Geneva Convention adopted Thursday reportedly allowed for the use of child soldiers with a signed permission slip from a legal guardian. âThis landmark treaty expressly forbidsâŚ
U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating Presidentâs Extramarital Affairs
Published: July 22, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâTouting the new line of currency as an important way to recognize the many babes bagged by the commander-in-chief over the years, the U.S. Mint announced plans Wednesday to release a series of gold coins commemorating President Donald TrumpâsâŚ
JD, Usha Vance Welcome Baby Boy
https://theonion.com/jd-usha-vance-welcome-baby-boy/
Published: July 22, 2026 13:00
Vice President JD Vance and Second Lady Usha Vance announced the birth of a baby boy, their fourth child and the first born to a sitting U.S. vice president in over 150 years. What do you think? The post JD, Usha Vance Welcome Baby Boy appeared first onâŚ
Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World
Published: July 22, 2026 13:00
BOSTONâStruggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. âI just donâtâŚ
RFK Jr. Reminded Not To Microwave Himself In Office Kitchen
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-reminded-not-to-microwave-himself-in-office-kitchen/
Published: July 22, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâResponding to repeated complaints about the smell and the difficulty of reheating lunch while the U.S. Cabinet member was still rotating inside the appliance, Department of Health and Human Services staffers reportedly had to remind Robert F.âŚ
Chippendales Recalls 4,000 Tons Of Tainted Man Meat
https://theonion.com/chippendales-recalls-4000-tons-of-tainted-man-meat/
Published: July 21, 2026 17:18
The post Chippendales Recalls 4,000 Tons Of Tainted Man Meat appeared first on The Onion.
China Viewed More Favorably Than U.S.
https://theonion.com/china-viewed-more-favorably-than-u-s/
Published: July 21, 2026 14:57
A Pew study found that China was viewed more favorably than America among the 36 countries surveyed, reporting 46% and 36% favorability respectively. What do you think? The post China Viewed More Favorably Than U.S. appeared first on The Onion.
George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled âTuba Man, Scuba Manâ
Published: July 21, 2026 14:55
SANTA FE, NMâGrunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel, author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled âTuba Man, Scuba Man.â âHey, remember that idea I had about aâŚ
Mike Johnson Struggles To Hold Speaker Gavel While Wearing Anti-Masturbation Mitts
Published: July 21, 2026 14:53
WASHINGTONâApologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. âThe HouseâŚ
Man Angry He Got Hit By Sprinkler Acting Like Heâs Never Going To Be Dry Again
https://theonion.com/man-angry-he-got-hit-by-sprinkler-acting-like-hes-never-going-to-be-dry-again/
Published: July 21, 2026 13:00
EAU CLAIRE, WIâStaring down at his dampened shirt with a mixture of anger and stunned disbelief, local man Frank Buchwald was reportedly acting like he was never going to be dry again after he got hit by a sprinkler Tuesday. Buchwald, who was described byâŚ
A24âs âElden Ringâ Film Stalled After Red Phantom Named TwinkPunisher Invades Set
https://theonion.com/a24s-elden-ring-film-stalled-after-red-phantom-named-twinkpunisher-invades-set/
Published: July 21, 2026 13:00
BLĂSKĂGABYGGĂ, ICELANDâExpressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24âs upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisherâŚ
Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer
https://theonion.com/nation-wakes-up-from-strange-dream-where-they-were-watching-soccer/
Published: July 20, 2026 18:42
WASHINGTONâDazed while trying to piece together the series of bizarre yet deeply vivid images, the entire nation reportedly awoke Monday from a strange dream in which it had been watching soccer. âI wasnât just willingly viewing it, I actually cared whoâŚ
Tate Brothers Vehemently Deny They Did Anything Consensual
https://theonion.com/tate-brothers-vehemently-deny-they-did-anything-consensual/
Published: July 20, 2026 17:31
The post Tate Brothers Vehemently Deny They Did Anything Consensual appeared first on The Onion.
âNo Bars Can Hold Me,â Says Andrew Tate Entering 9th Hour Of Trying To Pry Open Cell
Published: July 20, 2026 16:48
MIAMIâConfined to a federal detention center in Florida and facing extradition to the U.K. on multiple charges of human trafficking and rape, social media influencer Andrew Tate was reportedly heard to exclaim, âNo bars can hold me!â this weekend as heâŚ
Never-Ending Pasta Pass Returns To Olive Garden
https://theonion.com/never-ending-pasta-pass-returns-to-olive-garden/
Published: July 20, 2026 16:06
Olive Garden announced the return of the Never-Ending Pasta Pass, giving pass holders 13 weeks of unlimited pasta for $100. What do you think? The post Never-Ending Pasta Pass Returns To Olive Garden appeared first on The Onion.
Bat Dog Clearly Pregnant
https://theonion.com/bat-dog-clearly-pregnant/
Published: July 20, 2026 13:00
The post Bat Dog Clearly Pregnant appeared first on The Onion.
Study Finds There Arenât Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls
https://theonion.com/study-finds-there-arent-enough-occasions-where-you-get-to-eat-rolls/
Published: July 20, 2026 13:00
ITHACA, NYâConcluding that Americans were being forced to endure huge stretches of the year without any obvious social pretext for serving warm bread, a new study published Monday by researchers at Cornell University found there simply arenât enoughâŚ
Political Profile: Todd Blanche
https://theonion.com/political-profile-todd-blanche/
Published: July 20, 2026 13:00
Amid concerns over a $1.8 billion fund to compensate Jan. 6 rioters and his handling of the Epstein files, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche faces an uphill confirmation battle for the permanent job. The Onion shares everything you need to know aboutâŚ
Parents Sit Kids Down For Difficult Discussion About Moving To Ad Tier
https://theonion.com/parents-sit-kids-down-for-difficult-discussion-about-moving-to-ad-tier/
Published: July 20, 2026 13:00
PITTSBURGHâAttempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and Olivia Barnes reportedly sat their children down Monday for a difficult discussion about moving to the ad tier. âI know change is hard, but MommyâŚ
Trump Insists Frequent Naps Necessary To Protect U.S. Interests In Dreamland
https://theonion.com/trump-insists-frequent-naps-necessary-to-protect-u-s-interests-in-dreamland/
Published: July 20, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâVehemently defending his controversial closed-eye moments, President Donald Trump insisted Monday that his frequent naps were necessary to protect U.S. interests in Dreamland. âIt may be hard to tell from where youâre sitting, but trust me, IâmâŚ