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Farmer Buys Guardian Dog To Protect Livestock From RFK Jr.
https://theonion.com/farmer-buys-guardian-dog-to-protect-livestock-from-rfk-jr/
Published: April 28, 2026 13:00
ROLAND, ARâExpressing frustration that the rabid Cabinet member had completely decimated the cattle inventory, local farmer Lindon Trelby told reporters he purchased a guard dog Tuesday to protect his livestock from Health and Human Services SecretaryâŚ
Good Spatula Dirty
https://theonion.com/good-spatula-dirty/
Published: April 28, 2026 13:00
The post Good Spatula Dirty appeared first on The Onion.
DOJ To Bring Back Firing Squad As Means Of Entertainment
https://theonion.com/doj-to-bring-back-firing-squad-as-means-of-entertainment/
Published: April 27, 2026 20:38
WASHINGTONâIn an effort to provide some joy to the nation and boost overall well-being, Justice Department officials announced plans Monday to bring back firing squads as a means of entertainment. âFor too long, weak-on-fun Democrats have prevented ourâŚ
JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area
Published: April 27, 2026 18:49
The post JD Vance Still Waiting For Secret Service To Retrieve Him From Secure Hiding Area appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Claims Correspondentsâ Dinner Shooting Reinforces Need To End Journalism
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-correspondents-dinner-shooting-reinforces-need-to-end-journalism/
Published: April 27, 2026 18:40
WASHINGTONâDeclaring that the frightening incident underscored a point he had been making for many years, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that the shooting at the White House Correspondentsâ Dinner reinforced the need to end journalism. âOver theâŚ
Report: You Probably Due To Experience Big Life Tragedy Soon
Published: April 27, 2026 17:12
LEXINGTON, KYâResearchers at the University of Kentucky published a study Monday confirming that you should brace yourself for a massive personal disaster, because you are probably due to experience a big life tragedy soon. âOur results have found thatâŚ
Political Profile: Kash Patel
https://theonion.com/political-profile-kash-patel/
Published: April 27, 2026 13:00
Kash Patelâs time as FBI director has been plagued by accusations of chaotic behavior, binge drinking, and unexplained absences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the head of the federal law enforcement agency. Claim To Fame: First personâŚ
Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely
https://theonion.com/phone-porn-addictions-converging-nicely/
Published: April 27, 2026 13:00
The post Phone, Porn Addictions Converging Nicely appeared first on The Onion.
Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French
https://theonion.com/victor-wembanyama-returns-from-concussion-speaking-fluent-french/
Published: April 26, 2026 21:40
The post Victor Wembanyama Returns From Concussion Speaking Fluent French appeared first on The Onion.
Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns
https://theonion.com/over-200000-heated-socks-recalled-due-to-burns/
Published: April 25, 2026 21:03
Costco recalled almost 208,000 heated socks after customers reported first- and second-degree burns. What do you think? The post Over 200,000 Heated Socks Recalled Due To Burns appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Military To No Longer Require Flu Shots
https://theonion.com/u-s-military-to-no-longer-require-flu-shots/
Published: April 24, 2026 19:46
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth issued a directive lifting the requirement that U.S. service members receive the flu vaccine, citing âmedical autonomy.â What do you think? The post U.S. Military To No Longer Require Flu Shots appeared first on The Onion.
Regulars Angry Dive Bar Now Popular Enough To Be Financially Solvent
https://theonion.com/regulars-angry-dive-bar-now-popular-enough-to-be-financially-solvent/
Published: April 24, 2026 19:45
COLUMBIA, MOâGrowing increasingly irate that the new customer base had actually made the place profitable, regulars of local dive bar The Drunken Rooster were reportedly upset Friday after the business had become popular enough to be financially solvent.âŚ
Nation Enthralled By Adult Man With Huge Juicy Ass
https://theonion.com/nation-enthralled-by-adult-man-with-huge-juicy-ass/
Published: April 24, 2026 19:41
WASHINGTONâLowering their sunglasses for a better look at the massive honkinâ caboose, the entire U.S. populace was reportedly enthralled Friday by an adult man with a huge, juicy ass. âThat middle-aged man has an absolute bakery back there,â said HarlanâŚ
Red Light Therapy: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/red-light-therapy-myth-vs-fact/
Published: April 24, 2026 19:39
Masks, panels, and other red light therapy devices are selling better than ever. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding red light therapy. MYTH: Only light with a wavelength of 630â670 nm has proven clinical efficacy. FACT: Itâs okay to sneak aâŚ
Bottle Girl Nods As Kash Patel Screams State Secrets In Ear
https://theonion.com/bottle-girl-nods-as-kash-patel-screams-state-secrets-in-ear/
Published: April 24, 2026 19:18
WASHINGTONâSmiling vacantly while the FBI director rattled off classified information over thumping EDM music, local bottle girl Tanya Page reportedly nodded along early Friday morning as Kash Patel screamed state secrets in her ear. âYeah so weâreâŚ
Hot Young Priests Soaked In Holy Water During Vaticanâs Annual Wet Vestment Contest
Published: April 24, 2026 17:51
VATICAN CITYâIn a wild and sacred competition attended by a screaming, raucous crowd of Catholic religious leaders at Saint Peterâs Basilica, hot young priests were soaked in holy water Friday during the Vaticanâs annual Wet Vestment Contest. âAll theseâŚ
U.K. Passes Lifetime Smoking Ban For People Born After 2008
https://theonion.com/u-k-passes-lifetime-smoking-ban-for-people-born-after-2008/
Published: April 24, 2026 17:43
A newly passed law will prohibit the sale of tobacco products to U.K. residents who are under 18 and anyone born in the future, raising the minimum age of purchase by one year every year going forward. What do you think? The post U.K. Passes LifetimeâŚ
Steve Jobsâ Fist Bursts Through Grave Clutching Crude Drawing Of Something Called âThe Octomacâ
Published: April 24, 2026 17:25
The post Steve Jobsâ Fist Bursts Through Grave Clutching Crude Drawing Of Something Called âThe Octomacâ appeared first on The Onion.
â7 Days,â Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets
https://theonion.com/7-days-hisses-little-girl-on-phone-call-welcoming-draft-pick-to-jets/
Published: April 24, 2026 17:22
The post â7 Days,â Hisses Little Girl On Phone Call Welcoming Draft Pick To Jets appeared first on The Onion.
RFK Jr. Spins Brain On Finger
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-spins-brain-on-finger/
Published: April 24, 2026 13:00
The post RFK Jr. Spins Brain On Finger appeared first on The Onion.
Walls Closing In On Toddler Who Claimed TV Broke Itself
https://theonion.com/walls-closing-in-on-toddler-who-claimed-tv-broke-itself/
Published: April 23, 2026 19:17
SAN JOSE, CAâWith his explanation collapsing within seconds under the scrutiny of his parents, local toddler Timmy Herman reportedly felt the walls closing in on him Thursday after he claimed the TV broke itself. âSo youâre telling me you just walked intoâŚ
Trump Conducts Marathon Reading Of Arbyâs Menu In Appeal To Meat Lovers
https://theonion.com/trump-conducts-marathon-reading-of-arbys-menu-in-appeal-to-meat-lovers/
Published: April 23, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâBowing his head as he solemnly recited the fast food offerings, President Donald Trump conducted a marathon reading of the Arbyâs menu Thursday in an effort to appeal to the nationâs meat lovers. âFrench Dip Royale, Classic Beef âN Cheddar,âŚ
What To Know About Tariff Refunds
https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-tariff-refunds/
Published: April 23, 2026 13:00
Following a Supreme Court ruling striking down Trumpâs tariffs, the administration has begun the process of allowing businesses to apply for refunds. Hereâs what you need to know about tariff refunds. Q: Why did the Supreme Court rule against TrumpâsâŚ
Study Finds Gen Z Drinking Fewer Flagons Of Mead Than Medieval Generations
https://theonion.com/study-finds-gen-z-drinking-fewer-flagons-of-mead-than-medieval-generations/
Published: April 23, 2026 13:00
ST. LOUISâRevealing a drastic decline in regular honey-wine consumption among youths, a new study published by researchers at Saint Louis University found that Generation Z drinks far fewer flagons of mead than medieval generations did. âWe observed that,âŚ
Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party
https://theonion.com/grindr-to-host-white-house-correspondents-dinner-party/
Published: April 22, 2026 18:47
LGBTQ dating app Grindr will host its first-ever White House Correspondents dinner party on Friday night before the event. What do you think? The post Grindr To Host White House Correspondents Dinner Party appeared first on The Onion.
Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record
https://theonion.com/humanoid-robot-beats-human-half-marathon-record/
Published: April 22, 2026 16:56
A humanoid robot in Beijing finished a half marathon in 50 minutes and 26 seconds, about almost seven minutes faster than the human world record. What do you think? The post Humanoid Robot Beats Human Half-Marathon Record appeared first on The Onion.
Regretful Conservative Wakes Up To Find He Drunkenly Got Nazi Tattoo Removed
https://theonion.com/regretful-conservative-wakes-up-to-find-he-drunkenly-got-nazi-tattoo-removed/
Published: April 22, 2026 13:00
COEUR DâALENE, IDâWincing from a pounding headache and hazy memories of debauchery, regretful conservative Nate Hanlon reportedly woke up Wednesday morning to find that he had drunkenly gotten a neo-Nazi tattoo removed. âShit, shit, shitâthereâs no way IâŚ
Trump Posts Late-Night Truth Social Rant Claiming Circuses Not Violent Enough
https://theonion.com/trump-posts-late-night-truth-social-rant-claiming-circuses-not-violent-enough/
Published: April 22, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâAlleging that the shows had grown shamefully timid and unexciting to watch in recent years, a furious President Donald Trump posted a lengthy Truth Social rant late last night in which he claimed circuses were not violent enough. âWhen I was aâŚ
Disney Promises âStar Warsâ Fans A New Era Of Blind Stabs At What They Seemed To Like Before
Published: April 22, 2026 13:00
BURBANK, CAâHinting at an exciting new phase for the beloved franchise, the Walt Disney Co. released a statement Friday promising Star Wars fans a new era of blind stabs at what they seemed to like before. âFans of the rich world George Lucas created canâŚ
Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest
https://theonion.com/mysterious-gerbil-watches-from-edge-of-yard-as-family-hamster-laid-to-rest/
Published: April 22, 2026 13:00
The post Mysterious Gerbil Watches From Edge Of Yard As Family Hamster Laid To Rest appeared first on The Onion.
Nicholas Geary
https://theonion.com/nicholas-geary/
Published: April 22, 2026 13:00
Nicholas Geary, 52, died peacefully Monday. Quite peacefully, in factâ almost indifferently, as though he couldnât care less. The post Nicholas Geary appeared first on The Onion.