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Study Finds iPhone Lowered Birth Rate
https://theonion.com/study-finds-iphone-lowered-birth-rate/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
A new paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that the release of the Apple iPhone in 2007 contributed to a decline in the birth rate, especially among teens and young adults. What do you think? The post Study Finds iPhone Lowered…
Study: Crying Not Linked To What You Said But The Way You Said It
https://theonion.com/study-crying-not-linked-to-what-you-said-but-the-way-you-said-it/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
BLOOMINGTON, IN—Scientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but…
EPA Approves Use Of Napalm As Pesticide
https://theonion.com/epa-approves-use-of-napalm-as-pesticide/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTON—Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough…
Olive Garden Unveils New ‘We Invented Spaghetti’ Slogan
https://theonion.com/olive-garden-unveils-new-we-invented-spaghetti-slogan/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when…
Your Mother
https://theonion.com/your-mother/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
Your mother, 67, is fine, but this is just a reminder that she could go at any moment. Give her a call. The post Your Mother appeared first on The Onion.
Depressed Shams Charania Breaks Scoop That He Has No One
https://theonion.com/depressed-shams-charania-breaks-scoop-that-he-has-no-one/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
CHICAGO—Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever…
Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
The post Embarrassed Woman Scrambles To Stop Emotionally Resonating With Movie Before Lights Come On appeared first on The Onion.
Pros And Cons Of Sleepaway Camp
https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-sleepaway-camp/
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
More than 26 million U.S. children attend summer camp every year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of sending your kids to overnight camp. PRO Opportunity to make friends from different gated communities Forces bed-wetters to get their shit together…
Steven Spielberg Claims IMAX Best Way To Experience Josh O’Connor’s Soulful Yet Vulnerable Eyes
Published: June 12, 2026 13:00
NEW YORK—Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O’Connor’s soulful yet vulnerable eyes. “In order for…
Poll: Fewer Americans Say Democracy Central To U.S. Identity
https://theonion.com/poll-fewer-americans-say-democracy-central-to-u-s-identity/
Published: June 11, 2026 19:40
A recent poll found that only 66% of Americans claim that a democratically elected government is important to the United States’ national identity, with those aged 18-29 reporting the lowest belief in U.S. democracy’s centrality at only 51%. What do you…
Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender
https://theonion.com/nancy-mace-introduces-bill-to-separate-gubernatorial-races-by-gender/
Published: June 11, 2026 16:55
The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill To Separate Gubernatorial Races By Gender appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream
https://theonion.com/trump-boys-bulk-up-for-ufc-fight-by-chugging-sour-cream/
Published: June 11, 2026 16:20
The post Trump Boys Bulk Up For UFC Fight By Chugging Sour Cream appeared first on The Onion.
Tour In Peril After Noah Kahan Refuses To Come Down From Tree
https://theonion.com/tour-in-peril-after-noah-kahan-refuses-to-come-down-from-tree/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
The post Tour In Peril After Noah Kahan Refuses To Come Down From Tree appeared first on The Onion.
Marty Peters and Karen Roth
https://theonion.com/marty-peters-and-karen-roth/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
Marty Peters and Karen Roth: Huh—the happy couple’s “in loving memory” table had a picture of Hulk Hogan. The post Marty Peters and Karen Roth appeared first on The Onion.
Mr. Met Embarks On Missionary Trip To Spread Mets Fandom To Uncontacted Amazon Tribes
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
NEW YORK—Touting the initiative as a way to “bring love for the Orange and Blue to the places that need it most,” the New York Mets front office announced Thursday that franchise mascot Mr. Met had embarked on a missionary trip to the Amazon rainforest to…
The White House UFC Fight By The Numbers
https://theonion.com/the-white-house-ufc-fight-by-the-numbers/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
On Sunday, the same day as President Trump’s 80th birthday, the White House will host UFC Freedom 250 on the South Lawn. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the unprecedented mixed martial arts event. $1.2 million Cost of restoring…
Politician With No Better Ideas Decides To Campaign On Improving The Economy
https://theonion.com/politician-with-no-better-ideas-decides-to-campaign-on-improving-the-economy/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
DENVER—Frustrated by his fixation on a totally irrelevant topic at the expense of issues that actually matter to Americans, numerous voters told reporters this week that congressional candidate Ted Botello was campaigning for office with no better ideas…
Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-urges-travis-kelce-to-whittle-down-trampolines-on-registry-to-one/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
LEAWOOD, KS—Remarking that it seemed “a tad excessive” to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly urged fiancé Travis Kelce on Thursday to whittle down the number of trampolines on their wedding registry…
IWasPoisoned.com Introduces New Teen Accounts
https://theonion.com/iwaspoisoned-com-introduces-new-teen-accounts/
Published: June 11, 2026 13:00
CLAYMONT, DE—As part of its effort to make the popular consumer-led food safety platform kid-friendly and provide parents with tools for oversight, IWasPoisoned.com announced Friday that it was now offering teen accounts. “Starting today, new restrictions…
McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil
https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-worker-suffers-severe-burns-after-being-attacked-with-hot-oil/
Published: June 10, 2026 16:16
A McDonald’s employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil on him, the reason for the attack remaining unknown. What do you think? The post McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked…
Amazon Employees Detail Inhumane Working Conditions On Bezos’ Human Chessboard
https://theonion.com/amazon-employees-detail-inhumane-working-conditions-on-bezos-human-chessboard/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
MIAMI—In an official filing with the U.S. Department of Labor, Amazon employees alleged Monday that they had been exposed to inhumane working conditions while staffing the human chessboard that executive chairman Jeff Bezos maintains on the grounds of his…
Rick Brunson Tests Jalen Brunson Again On What To Say When Press Asks About Bruises
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
The post Rick Brunson Tests Jalen Brunson Again On What To Say When Press Asks About Bruises appeared first on The Onion.
Sam Levinson Emerges From 7-Year Drug Binge Horrified At What He Created
https://theonion.com/sam-levinson-emerges-from-7-year-drug-binge-horrified-at-what-he-created/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Staggering out into the blinding light of day, Euphoria showrunner Sam Levinson reportedly emerged from a 7-year drug binge Wednesday horrified to learn what he had created. “Wait, I did what?” said a shaky, bleary-eyed Levinson as he…
Doug Valdez
https://theonion.com/doug-valdez/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
Doug Valdez, 91, passed away early Friday morning in an attempt to beat the weekend rush into heaven. The post Doug Valdez appeared first on The Onion.
Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners
https://theonion.com/hims-introduces-new-line-of-folders-to-hold-in-front-of-embarrassing-boners/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday for holding in front of embarrassing boners. “These safe, discreet folders are specially formulated to ensure…
The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History
https://theonion.com/the-most-unbreakable-records-in-sports-history/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
Despite advances in technology, training, and performance optimization, some achievements in sports have stood the test of time. The following athletic records remain unbroken. The post The Most Unbreakable Records In Sports History appeared first on The…
Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture
https://theonion.com/chic-apartment-with-designer-furniture/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
What are you doing here? This is not for piddling swine like you. Be gone! Back to your frumpy duplex you go! Reference #295432 The post Chic Apartment With Designer Furniture appeared first on The Onion.
Mom Casually Mentions Her Bunco Group Threw Molotov Cocktails At ICE Last Week
https://theonion.com/mom-casually-mentions-her-bunco-group-threw-molotov-cocktails-at-ice-last-week/
Published: June 10, 2026 13:00
MINNEAPOLIS—Nonchalantly bringing up the act of violent resistance while discussing a fun evening she had with her friends, local mom Rebecca Peters casually mentioned Wednesday to her son Miles that her bunco group had thrown Molotov cocktails at ICE the…
Idris Elba Says Some Audiences Won’t Accept Black James Bond
https://theonion.com/idris-elba-says-some-audiences-wont-accept-black-james-bond/
Published: June 9, 2026 19:57
Actor Idris Elba dismissed longstanding rumors that he would be the next James Bond, calling the speculation “unrealistic” and claiming that many global audiences would never accept a Black male in the iconic role. What do you think? The post Idris Elba…
Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat
https://theonion.com/trump-still-sleeping-in-msg-seat/
Published: June 9, 2026 19:33
The post Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat appeared first on The Onion.
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
https://theonion.com/i-work-very-hard-and-i-would-like-to-try-cake/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:59
Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me […] The…
Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship
https://theonion.com/doctors-warn-air-fryers-not-a-substitute-for-human-companionship/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:00
BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that air fryers should not be considered an adequate substitute for human companionship. “An air fryer can be…
Blindfolded ‘Love Island USA’ Contestants Challenged To Guess Who Saying Slur
https://theonion.com/blindfolded-love-island-usa-contestants-challenged-to-guess-who-saying-slur/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:00
The post Blindfolded ‘Love Island USA’ Contestants Challenged To Guess Who Saying Slur appeared first on The Onion.
Sara Morse and Beth Lozano
https://theonion.com/sara-morse-and-beth-lozano/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:00
The pair said “I do” Friday after a whirlwind meeting with their tax preparer. The post Sara Morse and Beth Lozano appeared first on The Onion.
Greek Custodian Used To Be Demigod Back In Home Country
https://theonion.com/greek-custodian-used-to-be-demigod-back-in-home-country/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:00
TENAFLY, NJ—According to Roosevelt Elementary custodian Thanasis Danielopoulos, faculty and staff at the school are often surprised when they learn that back in his home country of Greece, he was a demigod. “People are usually shocked when I tell them my…
Schtick-Starter
https://theonion.com/schtick-starter/
Published: June 9, 2026 13:00
The post Schtick-Starter appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit
https://theonion.com/trump-angrily-demands-jalen-brunson-put-on-suit/
Published: June 9, 2026 01:00
NEW YORK—Growing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Monday’s Game 3 of the NBA Finals angrily demanding that Knicks guard Jalen Brunson put on a suit. “You’re telling me this…
Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe
https://theonion.com/kylie-jenner-told-nachos-were-sent-by-fat-joe/
Published: June 9, 2026 00:30
The post Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe appeared first on The Onion.
NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees
https://theonion.com/nypd-attempts-to-deter-terrorists-at-nba-finals-by-doubling-assassination-fees/
Published: June 8, 2026 20:43
The post NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Claims He Never Promised A Livable Country
https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-never-promised-a-livable-country/
Published: June 8, 2026 17:06
The post Trump Claims He Never Promised A Livable Country appeared first on The Onion.
Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved
https://theonion.com/smokey-bear-claims-views-on-wildfires-have-evolved/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTON—Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. “You have to understand, when I…
Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man
https://theonion.com/scientists-successfully-transplant-pig-foreskin-onto-circumcised-man/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human. “This successful operation proves that pig penises…
Water-Inefficient Landscaping
https://theonion.com/water-inefficient-landscaping/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature’s face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233 The post Water-Inefficient…
Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers
https://theonion.com/tips-for-lgbtq-travelers/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer. Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as “Secret Police.” Make sure the destination…
Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia
https://theonion.com/cat-ownership-linked-to-schizophrenia/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think? The post Cat Ownership Linked To…
Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application
https://theonion.com/kane-parsons-attaches-backrooms-mov-to-film-school-application/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
PETALUMA, CA—Nervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. “Alright, here goes nothing,” said Parsons, who told…
Kissing Practiced On Wife
https://theonion.com/kissing-practiced-on-wife/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
The post Kissing Practiced On Wife appeared first on The Onion.
FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk
https://theonion.com/fda-recalls-40000-gallons-of-rfk-jr-milk/
Published: June 8, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTON—In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced…
Mystery Men Emerge From NYC Manholes
https://theonion.com/mystery-men-emerge-from-nyc-manholes/
Published: June 6, 2026 13:00
At least three incidents of mysterious men climbing up from manholes in Brooklyn and Queens have been reported in the past month, prompting warnings from NYC officials about the dangers of exploring the sewer system. What do you think? The post Mystery Men…
Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’
https://theonion.com/zeus-lands-cameo-role-as-trojan-soldier-in-the-odyssey/
Published: June 5, 2026 14:08
LOS ANGELES—Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media, The Odyssey director Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. “Yes, that was indeed the King of…
Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir
https://theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from-jill-bidens-new-memoir/
Published: June 5, 2026 14:05
Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s biggest revelations: Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris,…
What Are We Donating To Goodwill?
https://theonion.com/what-are-we-donating-to-goodwill/
Published: June 5, 2026 13:00
The post What Are We Donating To Goodwill? appeared first on The Onion.
Diana Yanko
https://theonion.com/diana-yanko/
Published: June 5, 2026 13:00
Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support. The post Diana Yanko appeared first on The Onion.
Mom Disappointed Kids Not Coming Home For National Donut Day
https://theonion.com/mom-disappointed-kids-not-coming-home-for-national-donut-day/
Published: June 5, 2026 13:00
The post Mom Disappointed Kids Not Coming Home For National Donut Day appeared first on The Onion.
Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday
https://theonion.com/man-plans-to-climb-mount-kilimanjaro-for-90th-birthday/
Published: June 5, 2026 13:00
An 89-year-old Los Angeles resident plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for his 90th birthday this summer, which would make him the oldest person to ever summit Africa’s highest mountain. What do you think? The post Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For…
Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies
https://theonion.com/slipknot-orders-trump-to-stop-using-their-masks-during-rallies/
Published: June 5, 2026 10:00
DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies. “Donald…