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Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trumpās Most Racist Comments
https://theonion.com/both-campaigns-release-ads-showcasing-trumps-most-racist-comments/
Published: October 22, 2024 14:42
NEW YORKāFeaturing nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trumpāsā¦
Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote
https://theonion.com/trump-vows-to-outlaw-electricity-to-secure-powerful-amish-vote/
Published: October 21, 2024 19:11
In an appeal to the powerful voting block, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense. The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerfulā¦
Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best
Published: October 21, 2024 18:28
STANFORD, CAāConcluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they didā¦
Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House
https://theonion.com/trump-accuses-kamala-harris-of-lying-about-having-job-at-white-house/
Published: October 21, 2024 18:25
WASHINGTONāIn an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice presidentās employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. āPhony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House forā¦
Fire Station That Burned Down Didnāt Have Fire Alarm
https://theonion.com/fire-station-that-burned-down-didnt-have-fire-alarm/
Published: October 21, 2024 14:51
A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think? The post Fire Station That Burnedā¦
We Need To Take Trumpās Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed
Published: October 21, 2024 14:46
The post We Need To Take Trumpās Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed appeared first on The Onion.
30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken
https://theonion.com/30-of-border-patrol-cameras-broken/
Published: October 19, 2024 12:00
Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrolās primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think? The post 30% Of Border Patrol Camerasā¦
U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud
https://theonion.com/u-s-treasury-uses-ai-to-prevent-billions-in-fraud/
Published: October 18, 2024 21:01
The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think? Theā¦
Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak
https://theonion.com/bret-baier-admits-he-made-mistake-letting-kamala-harris-speak/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:24
NEW YORKāAddressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. āI want to say that it wasā¦
FEMA: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/fema-myth-vs-fact/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:14
FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency.Ā MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recoveryā¦
Nuclear Weapons Have The Potential To Frighten My Nervous Dogs
https://theonion.com/nuclear-weapons-have-the-potential-to-frighten-my-nervous-dogs/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:09
With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever, we need toā¦
Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early
https://theonion.com/woman-feels-accomplished-after-finishing-holiday-weight-gain-early/
Published: October 18, 2024 15:16
PITTSBURGHāPatting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. āUsually I put it off until the last minute, but this year Iāve already putā¦
Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam
https://theonion.com/trump-releases-skull-measurements-from-phrenology-exam/
Published: October 18, 2024 15:14
PALM BEACH, FLāClaiming he had the most ābeautiful and perfectā cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurementsĀ from his latest phrenology exam.ā¦
Bret Baier Asks Harris To Prove She Moving Forward By Handing Her Baseball Bat, Wheeling Out Caged Biden
Published: October 18, 2024 15:12
WASHINGTONāOffering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris Wednesday to proveā¦
Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of Worldās Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone
Published: October 18, 2024 15:10
VATICAN CITYāIn an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the worldās Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. āItās just been so longā¦
Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy
https://theonion.com/italy-bans-overseas-surrogacy/
Published: October 17, 2024 19:00
Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as āmedievalā and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think? The post Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy appeared first on The Onion.
Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child
Published: October 17, 2024 18:50
DORADO, PUERTO RICOāIn response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. āIf Prime is consumed asā¦
Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter
https://theonion.com/trump-pledges-to-use-obscure-18th-century-law-to-marry-daughter/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:59
PALM BEACH, FLāOutlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. āWeāre moving full steam ahead withā¦
Kamala Harris Appears On White Noise Podcast In Appeal To Sleepy Voters
https://theonion.com/kamala-harris-appears-on-white-noise-podcast-in-appeal-to-sleepy-voters/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:19
The post Kamala Harris Appears On White Noise Podcast In Appeal To Sleepy Voters appeared first on The Onion.
Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted
https://theonion.com/voters-warned-ballots-flushed-down-toilet-will-no-longer-be-counted/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:07
Due to the high volume of votes flushed down the toilet in the past elections, officials are now warning that ballots sent in via the nationās sewage system will no longer be counted.Ā Ā The post Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Beā¦
Tips For Organizing A Trunk-Or-Treat
https://theonion.com/tips-for-organizing-a-trunk-or-treat/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:51
Trunk-or-treat events, an alternative to traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating, have increased in popularity as parents grow wary of letting their children stray. Here are tips for organizing your own community trunk-or-treat event.Ā The post Tips Forā¦
Ava Barden
https://theonion.com/ava-barden/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:28
Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Avaās family members request that she come down from her room and setā¦
Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch āStargate SG-1ā Than Have Honest Conversation About āStargate SG-1ā
Published: October 17, 2024 16:19
BOSTONāDescribing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversationā¦
Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand
https://theonion.com/indecisive-hostage-taker-asks-what-people-usually-demand/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:10
PROVIDENCE, RIāFeeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. āI thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun andā¦
Hadesā Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In
https://theonion.com/hades-inferno-stadium-once-again-ranked-toughest-arena-to-play-in/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:08
NEW YORKāThe site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hadesā Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPNās list of toughest arenas to play in this week.Ā Situated in theā¦
Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky
https://theonion.com/julia-cunningham-and-tommy-zubritzky/
Published: October 16, 2024 17:09
Rumor has it the wedding cost $60,000. $60,000! Can you believe that? Thatās two Honda Accords.Ā The post Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky appeared first on The Onion.
āNew York Timesā To Cease Publication
https://theonion.com/new-york-times-to-cease-publication/
Published: October 16, 2024 15:29
NEW YORKāWith the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onionās newly relaunched printā¦
MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davisā Commentary
https://theonion.com/mlb-adds-clock-to-speed-up-joe-davis-commentary/
Published: October 16, 2024 15:22
NEW YORKāIssuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davisā commentary. āAdding a 30-second clock to cut down on Joeāsā¦
Hurripain-In-The-Ass
https://theonion.com/hurripain-in-the-ass/
Published: October 15, 2024 16:21
The post Hurripain-In-The-Ass appeared first on The Onion.
What Issues Are Most Important To Gen Z Voters?
https://theonion.com/what-issues-are-most-important-to-gen-z-voters/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nationās youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations before them, Gen Zā¦
Helicopter Pilot Who Crashed Into Hotel Revealed To Be Drunk
https://theonion.com/helicopter-pilot-who-crashed-into-hotel-revealed-to-be-drunk/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had āsignificant blood alcohol contentā during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the DoubleTree when theā¦
Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading āWuthering Heightsā
https://theonion.com/zoo-gorilla-looks-bored-out-of-mind-reading-wuthering-heights/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
CHICAGOāObserving the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights.Ā Concerned visitorsā¦
Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids
https://theonion.com/yankees-move-to-connecticut-to-raise-kids/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
NEW YORKāFollowing months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids.Ā āWe really love this city and have had some of the best nights of ourā¦
Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town
Published: October 14, 2024 15:51
The post Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town appeared first on The Onion.
Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To Hurricane Relief Efforts
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-donates-5-million-to-hurricane-relief-efforts/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:26
Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by these devastatingā¦
2024 Election Spending By The Numbers
https://theonion.com/2024-election-spending-by-the-numbers/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:09
The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending.Ā 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5 million: Cost of pollā¦
Supreme Court Rules 6-3 To Open Evil Tomb Of Batibat
https://theonion.com/supreme-court-rules-6-3-to-open-evil-tomb-of-batibat/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:04
WASHINGTONāDespite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victimsā¦
Neither Ex Keeps Friends After Breakup
https://theonion.com/neither-ex-keeps-friends-after-breakup/
Published: October 14, 2024 14:58
SPARTANBURG, SCāOpting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. āAfter hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it hasā¦
Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents
https://theonion.com/tourist-impressed-by-size-of-chicago-residents/
Published: October 14, 2024 14:53
CHICAGOāGawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicagoās residents. āBack home, we donāt have anything this massive, you know?ā said Jensen,ā¦