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Site URL: theonion.com/front-page-archive

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Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun

https://theonion.com/report-other-tailgate-looks-more-fun/

Published: September 20, 2026 14:00

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way


Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt

https://theonion.com/survey-finds-1-in-3-americans-with-health-insurance-have-medical-debt/

Published: September 20, 2026 13:00

A new survey found that one third of Americans who have health coverage still have medical debt that they are paying off over time. What do you think? The post Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt appeared first on The


Obama Family Dog Passes Away

https://theonion.com/obama-family-dog-passes-away/

Published: September 19, 2026 13:00

Former President Barack Obama announced that his family’s Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? The post Obama Family Dog Passes Away appeared first on The Onion.

Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party

https://theonion.com/russian-oligarch-bankrolls-donald-trump-jr-s-wedding-after-party/

Published: September 18, 2026 20:24

A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump


Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side

https://theonion.com/landlord-takes-hornets-side/

Published: September 18, 2026 15:07

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties.


Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta

https://theonion.com/freida-flores-and-anthony-acosta/

Published: September 18, 2026 15:00

After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-letting-dogs-sleep-in-the-bed/

Published: September 18, 2026 14:59

Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They’ll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of


New Orleans Pelicans Can’t Help But Notice They’re Not On NBA Schedule This Year

https://theonion.com/new-orleans-pelicans-cant-help-but-notice-theyre-not-on-nba-schedule-this-year/

Published: September 18, 2026 14:58

NEW ORLEANS—Wondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldn’t help but notice they hadn’t been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. “I checked the


Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far

https://theonion.com/everything-we-know-about-grand-theft-auto-vi-so-far/

Published: September 17, 2026 19:12

After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir


FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023

https://theonion.com/fbi-moves-to-raise-murder-rate-for-first-time-since-2023/

Published: September 17, 2026 19:08

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to


Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor’s Mulch

https://theonion.com/dad-races-outside-to-witness-delivery-of-neighbors-mulch/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

GREENSBORO, NC—Bursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbor’s mulch. “Well, well, well—unless my eyes


Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face

https://theonion.com/thousands-of-ids-misprinted-with-random-mans-face/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? The post Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face appeared


PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now

https://theonion.com/pga-announces-golf-will-be-loud-now/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud. “After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going


Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet

https://theonion.com/coward-leaves-casino-with-200-left-in-wallet/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and


Tyler Neiman

https://theonion.com/tyler-neiman/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.

Judge Judy Retires

https://theonion.com/judge-judy-retires/

Published: September 16, 2026 20:34

Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion.

Hole

https://theonion.com/hole/

Published: September 16, 2026 17:13

The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown.  Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.

Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry

https://theonion.com/emily-sadori-and-caroline-fry/

Published: September 16, 2026 17:10

The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.

Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars

https://theonion.com/dalai-lama-announces-one-year-residency-inside-body-of-bruno-mars/

Published: September 16, 2026 16:50

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno


Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef

https://theonion.com/horrified-guests-begin-gagging-as-dinner-host-reveals-theyve-been-eating-usda-beef/

Published: September 15, 2026 17:18

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those


Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

https://theonion.com/blind-man-who-drove-150-miles-drunk-avoids-jail/

Published: September 15, 2026 17:15

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion.

Katherine Lee

https://theonion.com/katherine-lee/

Published: September 15, 2026 13:00

The family of Katherine Lee, 35, asks that in lieu of flowers, mourners send any guesses about what her passwords might be. The post Katherine Lee appeared first on The Onion.

Casper Recalls Mattresses That Won’t Stop Expanding When Unboxed

https://theonion.com/casper-recalls-mattresses-that-wont-stop-expanding-when-unboxed/

Published: September 15, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—In an urgent step intended to protect customers and humanity itself from the company’s flagship product, Casper Sleep announced Tuesday an immediate recall of mattresses that won’t stop expanding once unboxed. “In response to thousands of reports


Video Game Prologue Still Going

https://theonion.com/video-game-prologue-still-going/

Published: September 15, 2026 13:00

CONCORD, MA—As he expressed alarm at still not having reached the title’s open world, local gamer Rudy Kelleher confirmed Tuesday that the prologue of his recently purchased video game was still going. “Christ, it’s been an hour and a half since I booted


Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script

https://theonion.com/jason-momoa-wakes-up-tied-to-chair-in-empty-warehouse-with-candy-crush-saga-movie-script/

Published: September 15, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr.


Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress

https://theonion.com/trump-promises-americans-5000-if-gop-maintains-control-of-congress/

Published: September 14, 2026 16:48

President Trump promised a $5,000 “Trump Dividend” to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? The post


Phoebe Bridgers Postpones Concert After Experiencing Twinge Of Happiness

https://theonion.com/phoebe-bridgers-postpones-concert-after-experiencing-twinge-of-happiness/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

INDIANAPOLIS—Profusely apologizing for the unexpected and last-minute cancellation, singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers announced Monday that she was postponing her show at Gainbridge Fieldhouse after experiencing a twinge of happiness. “I hate to do this,


Plantation-Style Home

https://theonion.com/plantation-style-home/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

That’s right, we’re still calling it that. Not Southern. Not Antebellum. Plantation-style. Of course, you don’t have to say that if you buy it. Just go ahead and kowtow to the woke mob instead. Coward. Reference #374809 The post Plantation-Style Home


Fertility Experts Discover Rare Deep-Ball Sperm At Bottom Of Testes

https://theonion.com/fertility-experts-discover-rare-deep-ball-sperm-at-bottom-of-testes/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

BALTIMORE—In a major breakthrough that sheds new light on the still largely unexplored region, leading fertility experts at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine announced Friday that they had discovered rare deep-ball sperm at the bottom of the


NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car

https://theonion.com/nfl-announces-one-player-on-each-team-now-gets-to-drive-a-car/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun?


God Horrified To Find Humans Eating Sacred, Omniscient Potatoes

https://theonion.com/god-horrified-to-find-humans-eating-sacred-omniscient-potatoes/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

THE HEAVENS—Shaking His head in disbelief as the color drained from His face, God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly horrified Monday to learn that humans had been consuming the sacred, omniscient potatoes He sent to earth. “Potatoes? As in the one part


Player Profile: Pete Crow-Armstrong

https://theonion.com/player-profile-pete-crow-armstrong/

Published: September 14, 2026 13:00

MLB star Pete Crow-Armstrong could become the first player in Cubs history to achieve a 40-40 campaign, hitting 40 home runs and stealing 40 bases in one regular season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the breakout center fielder.  EBP


Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight

https://theonion.com/emmys-producers-warn-aging-stars-deadline-for-in-memoriam-segment-midnight/

Published: September 13, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In