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Site URL: theonion.com/front-page-archive

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Study Finds Ozempic May Reduce Signs Of Fatty Liver Disease

https://theonion.com/study-finds-ozempic-may-reduce-signs-of-fatty-liver-disease/

Published: May 2, 2025 20:53

A study in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that semaglutides, such as Ozempic and Wegovy, may help treat fatty liver disease, pointing to yet another potential use for these popular weight-loss drugs. What do you think? The post Study Finds


‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up

https://theonion.com/gta-vi-delayed-until-developers-get-grades-up/

Published: May 2, 2025 17:59

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up. “We understand


Man Gets Best Ideas In Splash Zone

https://theonion.com/man-gets-best-ideas-in-splash-zone/

Published: May 2, 2025 13:00

ORLANDO, FL—Claiming epiphanies just seem to come to him when he sits by an orca tank, local man Troy Morales told reporters Friday that he always gets his best ideas in the splash zone. “Something about a 10-foot wall of water crashing onto me really gets


Trump Argues Toy Shortages Easily Overcome By Making Servants Dance

https://theonion.com/trump-argues-toy-shortages-easily-overcome-by-making-servants-dance/

Published: May 2, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s servants dance for


Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now

https://theonion.com/chobani-ceo-warns-new-hire-they-in-the-yogurt-game-now/

Published: May 2, 2025 13:00

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that he was in the yogurt game now, company sources confirmed Friday. “I don’t know what they taught you back in the


RFK Jr. Encourages Americans To Do Their Own Research About Dragons

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-encourages-americans-to-do-their-own-research-about-dragons/

Published: May 2, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—Claiming the fantastical creatures were “way too cool” to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to do their own


What To Know About ‘Sinners’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-sinners/

Published: May 2, 2025 13:00

Sinners, the new movie from Ryan Coogler starring Michael B. Jordan, has received widespread praise from critics and audiences. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: What is Sinners about? A: America’s inability to discuss its


Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway

https://theonion.com/runaway-kangaroo-shuts-down-alabama-highway/

Published: May 1, 2025 19:15

A runaway kangaroo named Sheila managed to shut down a stretch of interstate in Alabama before state troopers and the animal’s owner were able to wrangle the wayward marsupial. What do you think? The post Runaway Kangaroo Shuts Down Alabama Highway


14 Years Avoiding ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’ Spoilers Undone In Single Moment Of Carelessness

https://theonion.com/14-years-avoiding-mr-poppers-penguins-spoilers-undone-in-single-moment-of-carelessness/

Published: May 1, 2025 13:52

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that all his effort had been in vain, area man Evan Stackelberg told reporters Thursday that his 14 years of avoiding spoilers for Mr. Popper’s Penguins had been undone in a single moment of carelessness. “I stayed off social media, I


Katy Perry Teases New Single ‘Stop Making Fun Of Me’

https://theonion.com/katy-perry-teases-new-single-stop-making-fun-of-me/

Published: May 1, 2025 13:50

MONTECITO, CA—Revealing to fans that the track was about an issue deeply important to her, singer-songwriter Katy Perry teased a new single Thursday by releasing a short clip of a song titled “Stop Making Fun Of Me.” “Working with Dr. Luke on my fav single


How Deportation Works

https://theonion.com/how-deportation-works/

Published: May 1, 2025 13:47

According to border czar Tom Homan, the Trump administration deported about 139,000 people in its first 100 days. Here is a breakdown of the U.S. deportation process: STEP 1: Authorities confirm suspects’ illegal status by arresting them. STEP 2: “But I’m


Scientists Discover New Color That Can Only Be Seen Using Laser

https://theonion.com/scientists-discover-new-color-that-can-only-be-seen-using-laser/

Published: May 1, 2025 13:00

A team of scientists claims to have discovered a new color that humans cannot see without the help of technology, with researchers saying they were able to “experience” the color, which they named “olo”, by firing laser pulses into their eyes. What do you


Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom’s Caulking

https://theonion.com/dad-has-some-choice-words-about-hotel-bathrooms-caulking/

Published: May 1, 2025 13:00

HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like it was


Major Power Outage Knocks Out Electricity For Spain, Portugal

https://theonion.com/major-power-outage-knocks-out-electricity-for-spain-portugal/

Published: April 30, 2025 19:01

A blackout brought much of Spain and Portugal to a standstill, halting subway and railway trains, cutting phone service, and shutting down traffic lights and ATMs for millions of people across the Iberian Peninsula. What do you think? The post Major Power


Sleep Experts Suggest Cutting Back On God’s Light Before Bed

https://theonion.com/sleep-experts-suggest-cutting-back-on-gods-light-before-bed/

Published: April 30, 2025 17:54

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to help Americans get a better night’s rest, sleep experts from Cornell University issued a recommendation Wednesday to cut back on God’s light before bed. “The Lord’s divine grace can put the body into a state of religious


Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Honors Guy Going Nuts In Front Row

https://theonion.com/rock-roll-hall-of-fame-honors-guy-going-nuts-in-front-row/

Published: April 29, 2025 13:00

CLEVELAND—Honoring the concertgoer for his seemingly bottomless reserves of energy, the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced Thursday the induction of the guy going nuts in the front row. “Tonight, we’re proud to induct this wild-eyed guy for his commitment


Trump’s Support Surges After He Points Gun At Nation

https://theonion.com/trumps-support-surges-after-he-points-gun-at-nation/

Published: April 29, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340


The White House’s Plan For Reversing The Declining Birth Rate

https://theonion.com/the-white-houses-plan-for-reversing-the-declining-birth-rate/

Published: April 29, 2025 13:00

The Trump administration is considering proposals that would help reverse the nation’s declining birth rate. Here are the White House’s ideas for encouraging women to have more babies. Monopoly game pieces on every container of Enfamil sold Increase


FBI Claims Gavel, Black Gowns Prove Ties To MS-13 Gang

https://theonion.com/fbi-claims-gavel-black-gowns-prove-ties-to-ms-13-gang/

Published: April 28, 2025 21:10

WASHINGTON—Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades,


Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave

https://theonion.com/catty-cardinal-cant-wait-to-see-who-got-fat-since-last-conclave/

Published: April 28, 2025 18:30

VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal RubĂ©n Salazar GĂłmez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. “I know this is super bitchy,


Trump Threatens To Defund Beauty Schools That Don’t Comply With MAGA Standards

https://theonion.com/trump-threatens-to-defund-beauty-schools-that-dont-comply-with-maga-standards/

Published: April 28, 2025 16:34

WASHINGTON—After dispatching “Dear Colleague” letters to top cosmetology programs across the country, President Donald Trump threatened Monday to defund any beauty school that did not adhere to the standards of the MAGA movement. “We’ve set exact metrics


‘My Work Doesn’t Define Me,’ Says Man Who Will Spend 90,000 Hours Of Lifetime At Office

https://theonion.com/my-work-doesnt-define-me-says-man-who-will-spend-90000-hours-of-lifetime-at-office/

Published: April 28, 2025 13:00

SACRAMENTO, CA—Believing that he was establishing a firm line between who he was as a person and what he did for a living, local man Jordan Wheeler, an employee of Creighton Industries who will ultimately spend 90,000 hours of his lifetime at the office,


Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico

https://theonion.com/chipotle-planning-first-location-in-mexico/

Published: April 25, 2025 13:49

Chipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year. What do you think? The post Chipotle Planning First Location In Mexico appeared first on The Onion.

Study Finds Plants Increasingly Reliant On Gig Workers For Pollination

https://theonion.com/study-finds-plants-increasingly-reliant-on-gig-workers-for-pollination/

Published: April 25, 2025 13:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Uncovering a troubling disruption of America’s ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. “Freelance pollen transfer has


Fancy Feast Recalls 1 Million Cans Of Food That Cats Just Kind Of Stared At Before Wandering Away

https://theonion.com/fancy-feast-recalls-1-million-cans-of-food-that-cats-just-kind-of-stared-at-before-wandering-away/

Published: April 25, 2025 13:00

ST. LOUIS—Apologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million cans of food that cats just kind of stared at before wandering away. “Any cans of Fancy Feast Classic PatĂ©,


What To Know About The Real ID Deadline

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-real-id-deadline/

Published: April 25, 2025 13:00

Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline.  Q: What am I required to do to obtain a Real ID?


Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department

https://theonion.com/marco-rubio-announces-overhaul-of-bloated-state-department/

Published: April 24, 2025 20:53

Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called “bloated” and “bureaucratic.” What do you think? The post Marco Rubio Announces Overhaul Of ‘Bloated’ State Department appeared first on The


Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose

https://theonion.com/vatican-coroner-confirms-eucharistic-overdose/

Published: April 24, 2025 18:00

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a