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Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-trendy-christmas-toys/

Published: December 20, 2024 21:57

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys.  1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with


Political Profile: Pete Hegseth

https://theonion.com/political-profile-pete-hegseth/

Published: December 20, 2024 16:54

Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background. Marital Status:


Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post

https://theonion.com/jill-biden-leaves-teaching-post/

Published: December 20, 2024 15:58

First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think? The post Jill Biden


Top Russian General Killed By Bomb

https://theonion.com/top-russian-general-killed-by-bomb/

Published: December 20, 2024 15:57

Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia’s Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking credit in the


Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Name Still Visible On Stocking

https://theonion.com/faded-outline-of-ex-girlfriends-name-still-visible-on-stocking/

Published: December 20, 2024 13:00

MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her


BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This

https://theonion.com/breaking-holy-shit-daniel-day-lewis-is-in-this/

Published: December 20, 2024 13:00

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel


AI? Ai-Yai-Yai!

https://theonion.com/ai-ai-yai-yai/

Published: December 20, 2024 13:00

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale


Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse

https://theonion.com/building-shitty-gingerbread-house-just-making-depression-worse/

Published: December 19, 2024 19:22

MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse.  “Nothing will stick—the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the


NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number

https://theonion.com/nfl-referees-share-new-penalty-tip-line-number/

Published: December 19, 2024 13:00

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules. “Starting


Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends

https://theonion.com/unrealistic-nfl-commercial-depicts-panthers-fan-watching-game-with-friends/

Published: December 19, 2024 13:00

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. “It’s


Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid

https://theonion.com/experts-recommend-putting-injured-person-in-some-sort-of-cylindrical-tank-filled-with-fluid/

Published: December 19, 2024 13:00

CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of


Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner

https://theonion.com/bald-man-presses-face-to-window-as-thick-haired-family-sits-down-to-dinner/

Published: December 18, 2024 19:59

BOSTON—Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, local bald man Frank Richmond reportedly pressed his face to a window Wednesday as a thick-haired family inside sat down to dinner. “They all seem so happy,” said Richmond, his wrinkled,


CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk

https://theonion.com/ceo-motivates-self-by-keeping-own-photo-on-desk/

Published: December 18, 2024 13:00

y he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo


Mysterious Drones Spotted Over New Jersey

https://theonion.com/mysterious-drones-spotted-over-new-jersey/

Published: December 18, 2024 13:00

Mysterious drones have been hovering in the skies above New Jersey and other states in the Northeast for weeks, alarming residents and prompting lawmakers to demand answers. What do you think? The post Mysterious Drones Spotted Over New Jersey appeared


ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit

https://theonion.com/abc-pays-15-million-to-settle-trump-defamation-suit/

Published: December 17, 2024 20:28

ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos’ inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping writer E. Jean


‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

https://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-2/

Published: December 16, 2024 21:41

MADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded


Bloated Man Recalls Halcyon Days Of 7 Oreos Ago

https://theonion.com/bloated-man-recalls-halcyon-days-of-7-oreos-ago/

Published: December 16, 2024 17:56

LEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. “Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole


What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-mufasa-the-lion-king/

Published: December 16, 2024 15:06

Mufasa: The Lion King, the prequel to the 2019 photorealistic remake of The Lion King, arrives in theaters Dec. 20. Here’s what you need to know about the newest Disney film. Q: What can fans expect to learn about Mufasa’s backstory? A: That before he was


Justin Bieber Forgets Wife’s Name

https://theonion.com/justin-bieber-forgets-wifes-name/

Published: December 16, 2024 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife’s name. “I’d just keep saying ‘babe,’ but I think she’s starting to catch on,” said Bieber,


Meta Donates $1 Million To Trump Inauguration

https://theonion.com/meta-donates-1-million-to-trump-inauguration/

Published: December 16, 2024 13:00

Meta, the social media giant that owns Facebook and Instagram, donated $1 million to President-elect Donald Trump’s inaugural fund as the company tries to mend fences ahead of a second administration that could oversee major social media regulations. What


Biden Commutes 1,500 Prison Sentences

https://theonion.com/biden-commutes-1500-prison-sentences/

Published: December 14, 2024 13:00

President Joe Biden commuted the sentences of roughly 1,500 people who were released from prison and placed on home confinement during the coronavirus pandemic, while also pardoning 39 Americans convicted of nonviolent crimes in the largest single-day act


A Message Of Hope From Global Tetrahedron

https://theonion.com/a-message-of-hope-from-global-tetrahedron/

Published: December 13, 2024 16:54

We have taken another proud, collective stride toward dystopia. A bankruptcy court has denied the sale of InfoWars following a month of drawn-out legal proceedings. The experience was long and punishing for all involved, and the final outcome is


Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/taylor-swifts-eras-tour-by-the-numbers/

Published: December 13, 2024 15:32

After nearly two years, Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has at last concluded, grossing over $2 billion in ticket sales. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the record-breaking tour. 1.2 million: Parents who only learned at the door that you can’t


Saudi Arabia To Host 2034 World Cup

https://theonion.com/saudi-arabia-to-host-2034-world-cup/

Published: December 13, 2024 15:23

The 2034 World Cup was officially awarded to Saudi Arabia, raising concerns from human rights groups about the safety of migrant workers. What do you think? The post Saudi Arabia To Host 2034 World Cup appeared first on The Onion.

JD Vance Forced To Dress As Elf At Mar-A-Lago Christmas Party

https://theonion.com/jd-vance-forced-to-dress-as-elf-at-mar-a-lago-christmas-party/

Published: December 13, 2024 15:22

PALM BEACH, FL—Despite begging to attend the party in his suit like every other member of Donald Trump’s future cabinet, Vice President-elect JD Vance was reportedly forced to dress as an elf Friday for the Mar-a-Lago Christmas party. “Hey everyone, I’m


Trump Named ‘Time’ Person Of The Year For Second Time

https://theonion.com/trump-named-time-person-of-the-year-for-second-time/

Published: December 13, 2024 15:20

Time named Trump their choice for Person Of The Year for the second time, recognizing the president-elect as the individual or group deemed to have wielded the greatest influence on global affairs “for good or for ill.” What do you think? The post Trump


KitchenAid Unveils New Culinary Mech Suit

https://theonion.com/kitchenaid-unveils-new-culinary-mech-suit/

Published: December 13, 2024 13:00

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Confirming that the device would give home cooks the speed, efficiency, and power of over 200 professional chefs, appliance brand KitchenAid announced Wednesday that it had begun selling a new military-grade culinary mech suit. “Whether


Large, Playful Sheepdog Knocks Over Houston Skyline

https://theonion.com/large-playful-sheepdog-knocks-over-houston-skyline/

Published: December 13, 2024 13:00

HOUSTON—In a devastating accident that left the entire downtown area in smoldering ruins, officials confirmed Tuesday that the Houston skyline had been knocked over by a large, playful sheepdog named Gus. According to eyewitnesses, the 3-year-old Old


Take Me To Your Girlboss

https://theonion.com/take-me-to-your-girlboss/

Published: December 13, 2024 13:00

By Commander Byxxurian Greetings, earthlings. I am Commander Byxxurian from Nebula Vriphlaxor-9. I come bearing a message of utmost importance from the galactic consortium. Its intended recipient is one who lives among you, and if it is not delivered


‘The Harvest!’ Shrieks Forgetful Amish Guy

https://theonion.com/the-harvest-shrieks-forgetful-amish-guy/

Published: December 12, 2024 20:07

LANCASTER, PA—Leaping up from his rocking chair as the realization filled him with utter panic, forgetful Amish guy Amos Yoder suddenly and loudly shrieked ‘The harvest!’ on Thursday, according to Pennsylvania Dutch sources. “The crops, the crops! Amos,


Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations

https://theonion.com/tips-for-having-more-meaningful-conversations/

Published: December 12, 2024 18:56

Whether you’re spending time with cherished family members or new friends, skipping small talk and diving into deeper topics can help strengthen your relationships. The Onion shares tips for having more meaningful conversations. Bang a gavel every time


NFL Planning Small, Intimate Super Bowl With Friends, Family

https://theonion.com/nfl-planning-small-intimate-super-bowl-with-friends-family/

Published: December 12, 2024 13:00

NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. “This year, instead


Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man

https://theonion.com/years-of-inbreeding-causes-dog-to-birth-british-man/

Published: December 12, 2024 13:00

MANASSAS, VA—Producing numerous congenital and physical anomalies that include extreme Anglo-Saxon deformities, years of inbreeding reportedly caused a pug named Mabel to give birth to a British man Monday. “It appears that excessive pug inbreeding has


Ballsy Retirement Home Has Interracial Couple Right On Front Of Brochure

https://theonion.com/ballsy-retirement-home-has-interracial-couple-right-on-front-of-brochure/

Published: December 12, 2024 13:00

CLEVELAND—In an advertising choice that stunned observers with its sheer audacity, ballsy retirement home Sunrise Heights has an interracial couple right on the front of its brochure, sources confirmed Thursday. “Holy shit, they really just went for it,


Secretary Of Interior Asks Nation’s Help Identifying Leaf

https://theonion.com/secretary-of-interior-asks-nations-help-identifying-leaf/

Published: December 12, 2024 13:00

WASHINGTON—Mounting a public campaign in an effort to determine the origin of the unrecognized foliage specimen, Secretary of the Interior Deb Haaland asked the nation for help Friday in identifying a leaf that she confirmed was “from a tree or something”


Area Loser Declared Patient Zero In Loneliness Epidemic

https://theonion.com/area-loser-declared-patient-zero-in-loneliness-epidemic/

Published: December 11, 2024 13:00

WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area loser Bill McCraw


Emotional Nation Gathers Outside Main Street TV Store To Watch Monster Truck Land On Smaller Truck

https://theonion.com/emotional-nation-gathers-outside-main-street-tv-store-to-watch-monster-truck-land-on-smaller-truck/

Published: December 11, 2024 13:00

ABILENE, KS—Holding their loved ones close in astonishment as they witnessed thehistory-making broadcast, an emotional nation reportedly gathered outside a Main Street television store Friday to watch  a monster truck land on a smaller truck. “Oh my gosh,


How To Perform A Breast Self-Exam

https://theonion.com/how-to-perform-a-breast-self-exam/

Published: December 11, 2024 13:00

With incidence rates increasing over the past two decades, more doctors are recommending routine self-checks to catch early signs of breast cancer. Here’s how to perform a breast self-exam. Remove your clothes and place them in a safe location so that


Taco Bell Testing New Cafe Focused On Drinks

https://theonion.com/taco-bell-testing-new-cafe-focused-on-drinks/

Published: December 11, 2024 13:00

Taco Bell opened a new concept restaurant in San Diego called the Live Mås Café, featuring a beverage-centric menu that includes milkshakes, coffees, fruity iced drinks and a take on a dirty soda trend with its trademark Mountain Dew Baja Blast. What do


Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus

https://theonion.com/assad-flees-syria-after-rebels-capture-damascus/

Published: December 10, 2024 20:54

The Assad family’s decades-long reign in Syria came to an abrupt end when rebel forces captured Damascus after a stunning lightning-strike rout across the country. What do you think? The post Assad Flees Syria After Rebels Capture Damascus appeared first


Dollar General Tests Same-Day Delivery

https://theonion.com/dollar-general-tests-same-day-delivery/

Published: December 10, 2024 13:00

Dollar General is testing same-day delivery to customers’ homes as the deep-discounter tries to fend off fiercer competition with Walmart. What do you think? The post Dollar General Tests Same-Day Delivery appeared first on The Onion.

More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets

https://theonion.com/more-parents-say-allowing-child-to-play-football-not-worth-risk-of-being-drafted-by-jets/

Published: December 10, 2024 13:00

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to play football is not worth the risk of having them drafted by the New York


Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film

https://theonion.com/aaron-rodgers-shows-rookies-how-to-break-down-zapruder-film/

Published: December 10, 2024 13:00

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down the Zapruder


MrBeast Offers To Give $1 Million To First PersonWho Can Teach Him To Blink

https://theonion.com/mrbeast-offers-to-give-1-million-to-first-personwho-can-teach-him-to-blink/

Published: December 10, 2024 13:00

GREENVILLE, NC—Calling it a “life-changing” opportunity for one of his many subscribers, internet influencer Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered Friday to give $1 million to the first person who could teach him to blink. “Today, I’m kicking off


Assad Returns To Ophthalmology At Moscow LensCrafters

https://theonion.com/assad-returns-to-ophthalmology-at-moscow-lenscrafters/

Published: December 10, 2024 13:00

MOSCOW—Just days after rebels seized Damascus, deposed Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reportedly returned to practicing ophthalmology at a Moscow LensCrafters, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Which one is better—one or two?” said the former brutal dictator