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Site URL: theonion.com/front-page-archive

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Anna Rialto and Sean Walter

https://theonion.com/anna-rialto-and-sean-walter/

Published: May 20, 2025 13:00

The bride and groom had dated for 25 years prior to their wedding Saturday, so God knows what inspired them to get married now. The post Anna Rialto and Sean Walter appeared first on The Onion.

Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Paying For Stepchildren’s Endorsement

https://theonion.com/trump-accuses-kamala-harris-of-paying-for-stepchildrens-endorsement/

Published: May 20, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—Calling for a major investigation into her husband’s son and daughter from a previous marriage, President Donald Trump leveled allegations Tuesday in which he accused Kamala Harris of paying for her stepchildren’s endorsement in the 2024


King Charles Switches To More Comfortable Silicone Crown

https://theonion.com/king-charles-switches-to-more-comfortable-silicone-crown/

Published: May 20, 2025 13:00

LONDON—Noting how the new headpiece was much better suited to his royal lifestyle, King Charles III announced Wednesday that he had switched out his 5-pound, solid-gold crown for a more comfortable silicone one.  “Unlike my old crown, this silicone one


Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It

https://theonion.com/relationship-experts-recommend-saying-i-love-you-even-if-you-dont-mean-it/

Published: May 20, 2025 13:00

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love you” even if you don’t mean it. â€œIt can be stressful when a significant other prompts


Republican Infighting Erupts Over Whether Trump Bill Beautiful Or Handsome

https://theonion.com/republican-infighting-erupts-over-whether-trump-bill-beautiful-or-handsome/

Published: May 19, 2025 20:43

WASHINGTON—With the dispute threatening to derail legislative approval of President Donald Trump’s “big, beautiful bill,” congressional sources confirmed Monday that GOP infighting had erupted over whether the bill was beautiful or handsome. “Republicans


Understaffed National Weather Service Still Weeks Away From Issuing Kentucky Tornado Warning

https://theonion.com/understaffed-national-weather-service-still-weeks-away-from-issuing-kentucky-tornado-warning/

Published: May 19, 2025 20:06

SILVER SPRING, MD—In the aftermath of the deadly storms that ripped through the central United States over the weekend, the National Weather Service confirmed Monday that due to critical staffing shortages, the agency was still weeks away from issuing a


Biden Faces Mounting Pressure To Let Younger Democrat Battle Cancer

https://theonion.com/biden-faces-mounting-pressure-to-let-younger-democrat-battle-cancer/

Published: May 19, 2025 18:19

WASHINGTON—After a stunning admission that he’d been diagnosed with a highly aggressive form of the disease, former President Joe Biden reportedly faced mounting pressure on Monday to let a younger Democrat battle cancer. “Given the current landscape, we


‘Copy’ Of Magna Carta Bought By Harvard For $27 Found To Be Real

https://theonion.com/copy-of-magna-carta-bought-by-harvard-for-27-found-to-be-real/

Published: May 19, 2025 17:16

A document purchased by Harvard Law School for $27.50 and thought to be a replica of the Magna Carta—one of the earliest declarations of human rights—is in fact an original from 1300. What do you think? The post ‘Copy’ Of Magna Carta Bought By Harvard For


Features Of Meta’s New AI App

https://theonion.com/features-of-metas-new-ai-app/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:55

In an effort to compete with the popularity of ChatGPT, Meta has launched its very own standalone AI app. Here is a selection of the best features available on Meta AI. Convenient voice-activated data leaks Revenge porn editor Makes phone real hot When


Florida Bans Fluoride In Public Drinking Water

https://theonion.com/florida-bans-fluoride-in-public-drinking-water/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:51

Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) signed a bill banning “the use of certain additives” in public water systems, making Florida the second state, after Utah, to ban fluoride from drinking water. What do you think? The post Florida Bans Fluoride In Public Drinking


Ow

https://theonion.com/ow/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:00

Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying back and forth in the breeze and taking in this beautiful view. From way up here, I can’t help but notice all the sparkly streamers and


Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment Day

https://theonion.com/jesus-circles-earth-few-times-so-he-not-first-to-arrive-to-judgment-day/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:00

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, circled the earth a few times so He wouldn’t be the first to arrive for Judgment Day, heavenly sources


State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization

https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organization


Spacious End-Unit

https://theonion.com/spacious-end-unit/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:00

Lots of space in this end-of-the-row unit you can walk or roll into. Located in the basement of the public library, this place comes with water and one roll of scratchy toilet paper. Reference #18084 The post Spacious End-Unit appeared first on The Onion.

Woman Allows Herself One More Anxiety Episode Before Bed

https://theonion.com/woman-allows-herself-one-more-anxiety-episode-before-bed/

Published: May 19, 2025 13:00

LANSING, MI—Assuring herself it wasn’t even that late, local woman Natalie Sissons reportedly allowed herself one more anxiety episode Tuesday before going to bed. â€œJust one more episode of paralyzing apprehension and fear, then I’ll call it a night,” said


Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200 Times

https://theonion.com/scientists-studying-man-who-let-snakes-bite-him-over-200-times/

Published: May 16, 2025 19:33

A Wisconsin man has voluntarily been bitten by snakes hundreds of times, with scientists now studying his blood in hopes of creating better treatments for snake bites. What do you think? The post Scientists Studying Man Who Let Snakes Bite Him Over 200


What To Know About The MAHA Movement

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-maha-movement/

Published: May 16, 2025 15:58

Supporters of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are cheering on the Health And Human Services secretary’s plans to “Make America Healthy Again.” Here is everything you need to know about the MAHA movement. Q: What is MAHA? A: It’s like MAGA but with food dye instead


Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader

https://theonion.com/michael-strahan-surpasses-diane-sawyer-as-good-morning-americas-all-time-sack-leader/

Published: May 16, 2025 13:00

NEW YORK—After months of closing in on the former news anchor’s legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassed Diane Sawyer on Friday as Good Morning America‘s all-time sack leader. “Throughout his career on GMA, Strahan has led the show in tackles, forced


Luke Platt

https://theonion.com/luke-platt/

Published: May 16, 2025 13:00

Known for being an adventurous risk-taker, Luke Platt, 36, died Thursday after brazenly wearing regular shoes on the bowling alley floor. The post Luke Platt appeared first on The Onion.

New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders

https://theonion.com/new-indiana-law-requires-all-porn-viewers-to-register-as-sex-offenders/

Published: May 16, 2025 13:00

NDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online pornography to register as sex offenders before they could access sexually


Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend

https://theonion.com/elderly-salsa-instructor-announces-plan-to-dance-with-your-girlfriend/

Published: May 16, 2025 13:00

CHICAGO—Insisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during a Thursday evening introductory class to dance with your girlfriend. â€œNo, no, no—you must


Trump Casts Cabinet In ‘Les MisĂ©rables’ Amid Kennedy Center Boycott

https://theonion.com/trump-casts-cabinet-in-les-miserables-amid-kennedy-center-boycott/

Published: May 16, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—Sitting in the front row and snapping his fingers in time to the 1980 musical’s overture, President Donald Trump rehearsed his Cabinet for a Kennedy Center performance of Les MisĂ©rables amid an escalating boycott by the show’s usual cast,


Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet

https://theonion.com/cannes-bans-nudity-on-red-carpet/

Published: May 15, 2025 19:27

Cannes Film Festival issued an updated red carpet dress code that effectively bans full nudity and “voluminous” ensembles, citing “decency reasons.” What do you think? The post Cannes Bans Nudity On Red Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

How The U.S. Is Resettling White South African Refugees

https://theonion.com/how-the-u-s-is-resettling-white-south-african-refugees/

Published: May 15, 2025 15:30

Claiming they are targets of genocide and discrimination, the Trump administration has granted white South Africans expedited refugee status. Here are the measures the U.S. government is taking to help resettle Afrikaners. Requiring them to prove they are


Trump Grants Refugee Status To Former SS Guards

https://theonion.com/trump-grants-refugee-status-to-former-ss-guards/

Published: May 15, 2025 15:06

WASHINGTON—Condemning what he described as the disturbing and unjust treatment of the group, President Donald Trump granted refugee status this week to former SS guards. “The discrimination these people are facing is absolutely sick—they’re literally


UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter

https://theonion.com/ufc-clown-jumps-into-octagon-to-distract-irate-fighter/

Published: May 15, 2025 13:00

SEATTLE—Deftly jumping into the arena’s octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighter’s attention away from his fallen competitor. The lighthearted performer known as


U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

https://theonion.com/u-s-military-bans-men-with-girl-names-from-combat/

Published: May 15, 2025 13:00

WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from


Mom, Dad Bickering Over Whether They’ve Seen ‘The Bear’

https://theonion.com/mom-dad-bickering-over-whether-theyve-seen-the-bear/

Published: May 15, 2025 13:00

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—With the rest of the family looking on tensely as the conversation grew heated, local parents James and Denise Sweeney were reportedly bickering Tuesday over whether they had seen The Bear. â€œWe watched one episode and decided it wasn’t


Strategies For Decluttering

https://theonion.com/strategies-for-decluttering/

Published: May 15, 2025 13:00

Studies have shown that creating a neat and organized living space can reduce stress and improve mental well-being. The Onion provides helpful guidance for decluttering your home. Lure Marie Kondo into your home using an evenly spaced trail of sensible


Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens

https://theonion.com/jamal-abbott-and-vicente-stephens/

Published: May 15, 2025 13:00

It’s happily ever after for Abbott and Stephens, who wed in a farmhouse upstate right where they usually do the chicken sexing. The post Jamal Abbott and Vicente Stephens appeared first on The Onion.

Judges Claim Pizza Deliveries Sent To Their Homes Meant To Intimidate

https://theonion.com/judges-claim-pizza-deliveries-sent-to-their-homes-meant-to-intimidate/

Published: May 14, 2025 19:45

Federal judges, some of whom are overseeing cases involving the Trump administration, are sounding the alarm over unsolicited deliveries of pizzas to their homes, which they view as a tactic of intimidation against them. What do you think? The post Judges


You Can’t Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored

https://theonion.com/you-cant-even-watch-a-movie-anymore-without-seeing-some-theme-explored/

Published: May 14, 2025 13:00

I’ve loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being transported to a whole other world. It used to be so magical. But now I’m thinking about boycotting movies altogether.


Disgusting Restaurant Celebrates 30 Years As Small Town’s Only Option

https://theonion.com/disgusting-restaurant-celebrates-30-years-as-small-towns-only-option/

Published: May 14, 2025 13:00

EUSTIS, ME—With a banner that read “We’re All You’ve Got!” hanging above its entrance, local disgusting restaurant Lenny’s Diner celebrated 30 years as a small town’s only option, sources reported Monday. â€œSince 1995, it has been our honor to serve the


Mary Stevenson

https://theonion.com/mary-stevenson/

Published: May 14, 2025 13:00

Mary Stevenson, 82, passed away Sunday. Her family asks that anyone interested in joining her in the coffin please reach out ASAP. The post Mary Stevenson appeared first on The Onion.

Turn-Key Stunner

https://theonion.com/turn-key-stunner/

Published: May 14, 2025 13:00

This newly renovated home has everything you need to move right in, including a loving Cantonese family ready to welcome you with open arms. Reference #41845 The post Turn-Key Stunner appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump To Accept $400 Million Plane Gifted From Qatar

https://theonion.com/president-trump-to-accept-400-million-plane-gifted-from-qatar/

Published: May 13, 2025 20:43

President Donald Trump will accept a luxury Boeing 747-8 jumbo jet as a gift from the ruling family of Qatar with the intention of converting it to a presidential aircraft, the “palace in the sky” potentially being the most valuable gift ever extended to


Texas Bans Being Different Around Children

https://theonion.com/texas-bans-being-different-around-children/

Published: May 13, 2025 13:00

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being different around children. â€œStarting today, adults are no longer permitted to be unique or


Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst

https://theonion.com/ashley-sullivan-and-sally-hirst/

Published: May 13, 2025 13:00

The couple tied the knot Saturday in the most unique ceremony that their tragically basic tastes would allow. The post Ashley Sullivan and Sally Hirst appeared first on The Onion.

Baby Saves Affair

https://theonion.com/baby-saves-affair/

Published: May 13, 2025 13:00

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his lover Arden Sullivan, 28, confided to reporters Monday that their affair had been saved by having


Dwayne Johnson Honored For Accomplishments In Neck Acting

https://theonion.com/dwayne-johnson-honored-for-accomplishments-in-neck-acting/

Published: May 13, 2025 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Presenting him with a small-scale gilded anatomical model at a lavish ceremony Monday evening, the American Film Institute honored top leading man Dwayne Johnson for his outstanding accomplishments in the field of neck acting. â€œI am so proud to


AI Version Of Dead Arizona Man Addresses Killer During Sentencing

https://theonion.com/ai-version-of-dead-arizona-man-addresses-killer-during-sentencing/

Published: May 12, 2025 20:25

The killer of an Arizona man was sentenced to over 10 years behind bars after his victim spoke to the court via artificial intelligence in what could be the first-of-its-kind use of the technology. What do you think? The post AI Version Of Dead Arizona Man


Man Can’t Believe He Has To Download Stupid App Just To Bribe President

https://theonion.com/man-cant-believe-he-has-to-download-stupid-app-just-to-bribe-president/

Published: May 12, 2025 19:30

MIAMI—Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the


48 Hours In Starbase

https://theonion.com/48-hours-in-starbase/

Published: May 12, 2025 16:59

Starbase, home to SpaceX’s private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head straight to the


First American Pope Elected

https://theonion.com/first-american-pope-elected/

Published: May 12, 2025 16:17

Robert Francis Prevost, known now as Leo XIV, will be the 267th occupant of the throne of St. Peter, the first American to fill the role of Pope. What do you think? The post First American Pope Elected appeared first on The Onion.