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Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk

Published: February 14, 2025 21:10

Igloo is recalling more than 1 million of its coolers following reports that a handle issue led to serious injuries, including fingertip amputations and bone fractures. What do you think? The post Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk appeared…

Tips For Embracing Single Life

Published: February 14, 2025 18:45

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly, utterly alone in…

Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float

Published: February 14, 2025 18:38

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. “Oh, goddamn it, move, move!” said…

New Evidence Suggests Humans Developed Written Language To Avoid Breaking Up In Person

Published: February 14, 2025 17:21

CHICAGO—Noting that early humans’ aversion to confrontation played a critical role in their evolution, a new study published Friday in the American Journal Of Archaeology concluded that written language was first developed to avoid breaking up in person.…

Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches

Published: February 14, 2025 16:59

The U.S. Coast Guard has been searching for tar balls that began showing up on South Florida beaches, but so far the source of the black muck remains a mystery. What do you think? The post Mysterious Tar Balls Washing Up On Florida Beaches appeared first…

Concerned Bartender Takes Away Pete Hegseth’s Security Clearance

Published: February 14, 2025 16:50

ARLINGTON, VA—Expressing unease with his customer’s obvious level of inebriation, local bartender Benny Waller confirmed Friday that he had been forced to take away Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s security clearance. “Look, buddy, you’re in no condition…

Reptile Handler At Birthday Party Ruthlessly Heckled By 6-Year-Old For Showing Amphibian

Published: February 14, 2025 14:00

CLEVELAND—Interrupting the man mere seconds after he removed a Japanese clouded salamander from its cage, local 6-year-old Matthew Cronin ruthlessly heckled a reptile handler at a birthday party for showing an amphibian, sources reported Friday. “Oh, come…

Rising Egg Prices Prompt More Americans To Raise Chickens In Backyard

Published: February 13, 2025 21:16

The skyrocketing price of eggs have caused some shoppers to consider keeping their own backyard laying hens, though experts say there are drawbacks that may make starting a chicken coop more expensive than many believe. What do you think? The post Rising…

STIs: Myth Vs. Fact

Published: February 13, 2025 19:20

Sexually transmitted infections, also known as STIs or STDs, affect millions of Americans every year. The Onion debunks the many misconceptions people have about STIs. MYTH: STI tests are inconvenient. FACT: The clinic will mail your penis back within…

Man Allows All Cookies So Website Won’t Be Mad At Him

Published: February 13, 2025 16:44

BOSTON—Saying he was more than willing to go along with the request to avoid conflict, local internet user Dan Filmeyer reportedly clicked a box to allow all cookies Thursday so the website he was browsing wouldn’t be mad at him. “Ah, man, I don’t want…

Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer

Published: February 13, 2025 14:00

SPARTA, OH—Setting itself apart as a uniquely innocuous object, a wooden spoon is the only thing in local man Patrick Davies’ life that is not currently giving him cancer, sources confirmed Thursday. Unlike every other physical item Davies encounters in…

Dunkin’ Pastries Included In Massive Recall

Published: February 12, 2025 19:45

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkin’, due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria. What do you think? The post…

Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect

Published: February 12, 2025 18:39

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and as such I’m…

Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Minting Pennies

Published: February 12, 2025 18:11

President Donald Trump directed the Treasury Department to stop minting new pennies, citing the rising cost of producing the one-cent coin. What do you think? The post Trump Orders Treasury To Stop Minting Pennies appeared first on The Onion.

Man So Hungry He Could Eat An Orange

Published: February 12, 2025 15:48

HARTFORD, CT—Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. “Man, my stomach has been growling for…

Anti-Aging Millionaire Announces He Has Put In Purple Contact Lenses

Published: February 12, 2025 15:44

LOS ANGELES—Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. “Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also has violet eyes,”…

Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension

Published: February 12, 2025 15:41

ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. “I’m over the moon to have…

Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Support Wind Turbines If They Sliced Deli Meat As Well

Published: February 11, 2025 17:41

WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat as well.…

Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection

Published: February 11, 2025 16:31

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed Tuesday. A state of…

Man With Fogged-Up Glasses Forced To Finish Soup Using Other Senses

Published: February 11, 2025 14:00

ST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. “In my blinded state, I must…

Humanitarian Organizations Arrive In Philadelphia To Feed City’s Hungover Residents

Published: February 10, 2025 19:53

PHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city’s hungover residents. “We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this hungover…

Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey

Published: February 10, 2025 17:25

Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that it’s only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think? The post Colombia President Claims Cocaine No Worse Than Whiskey…

Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact

Published: February 10, 2025 14:51

An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has killed over 100…

Kangaroo Embryo Produced Through IVF For First Time

Published: February 10, 2025 14:48

Researchers in Australia said that they have for the first time successfully produced kangaroo embryos through in-vitro fertilization, a breakthrough that may help save endangered species from extinction. What do you think? The post Kangaroo Embryo…

Genius Outsmarts Bank By Using Credit Card To Pay Off Other Credit Card

Published: February 10, 2025 14:46

ZANESVILLE, OH—Smugly muttering “watch and learn” as he opened his Chase app and pressed the “pay balance” button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card.  “Well, well,…

Lock Clicks Behind Marco Rubio During Tour Of Salvadoran Prison Cell

Published: February 10, 2025 14:44

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of one of the…

Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: ‘I Hate All Of You, Fuck You’

Published: February 10, 2025 02:00

NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, “I hate all of you, fuck you.” “It’s sad to think how much greater…

Heroic Secret Service Agent Shields Trump From Brittany Mahomes

Published: February 10, 2025 01:30

NEW ORLEANS—Reportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action Sunday and shielded President Donald Trump from an incoming Brittany Mahomes. “We are trained to identify excruciating conversations from…

Trump Regales Jackson Mahomes With Tales Of His Old Groping Days

Published: February 10, 2025 01:30

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days. “These young kids act…

Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance

Published: February 10, 2025 00:45

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar’s entire Super Bowl halftime show. “Our decision to mute all of Mr. Lamar’s lyrics was…

Secret Service Agent Starstruck After Seeing Taylor Swift’s Bodyguards

Published: February 10, 2025 00:00

NEW ORLEANS—Expressing awe as they watched the personal security superstars’ approach, Secret Service agent Neil DeLisle, 34, was reportedly starstruck at the Super Bowl on Sunday after he saw Taylor Swift’s bodyguards. “Holy cow—those guys are legit,”…

Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes

Published: February 9, 2025 23:30

NEW ORLEANS—Revealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had fractured the world into an infinite number of multiverses in which the Eagles win, the…

NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear ‘Fight Bigotry’ Jockstraps

Published: February 9, 2025 16:00

NEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their “Fight Bigotry” jockstraps at the Super Bowl. “Trust us, when you tune into tonight’s game,…

Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol In Wheelchair After Fall

Published: February 7, 2025 20:40

Senator Mitch McConnell fell twice and was escorted out of the Capitol in a wheelchair as a precautionary measure, one of multiple health issues the former majority leader has had in recent years. What do you think? The post Mitch McConnell Leaves Capitol…

Artist Profile: Kendrick Lamar

Published: February 7, 2025 19:12

Fresh off five wins at the Grammys, rapper Kendrick Lamar will headline Super Bowl LIX’s halftime show this Sunday. Here is everything you need to know about the artist.  Birthplace: Calabasas, CA Genre: Grammy rap Favorite Instrument: Mouth Childhood Pen…

Pioneering Female Archaeologist In Google Doodle Bears Silent Witness To Man’s Search For ‘Zootopia’ Porn

Published: February 7, 2025 14:00

BALTIMORE—Mutely observing as the lewd query was entered into the prompt, a pioneering female archaeologist featured in a Google Doodle bore silent witness to local man Daniel Thornstein’s search for Zootopia porn, sources reported Friday. Harriet Boyd…

Trump Struggling To Remember How He Related To Elon Musk

Published: February 7, 2025 14:00

WASHINGTON—Trying to figure out if he had a third brother he forgot about or if Don Jr. had just lost some weight, President Donald Trump was reportedly struggling Friday to remember how he was related to Elon Musk. “I know that if he’s this high up in my…

Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover Of Gaza

Published: February 6, 2025 20:00

President Trump declared that the United States should seize control of Gaza and permanently displace the entire Palestinian population of the devastated seaside enclave, one of the most brazen ideas that any American leader has advanced in years. What do…

NBC Producers Deny Using AI In New Series ‘Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show’

Published: February 6, 2025 18:31

NEW YORK—Issuing a categorical denial of the accusations, NBC producers announced Thursday there was absolutely no usage of artificial intelligence in the new series Detective Fireman Lawyer Chicago Los Angeles Show. “At NBC, we are passionate about…

‘The Sims’ Turns 25

Published: February 6, 2025 18:20

The Sims, which has sold nearly 200 million copies, celebrates its 25th anniversary this February. In honor of the video game franchise, The Onion looks back at its key milestones.  1977: Will Wright gets a great idea for a video game while watching a…