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Site URL: theonion.com/front-page-archive

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Posts: 51

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Smokey Bear Claims Views On Wildfires Have Evolved

https://theonion.com/smokey-bear-claims-views-on-wildfires-have-evolved/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Admitting that his prior beliefs regarding conflagrations had been formed out of ignorance, longtime U.S. Forest Service icon Smokey Bear issued a statement Monday claiming that his views on wildfires had evolved. “You have to understand, when I…

Scientists Successfully Transplant Pig Foreskin Onto Circumcised Man

https://theonion.com/scientists-successfully-transplant-pig-foreskin-onto-circumcised-man/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Calling the breakthrough a significant step forward in xenotransplantation, New York University doctors confirmed Monday they had successfully transplanted a pig foreskin onto a circumcised human. “This successful operation proves that pig penises…

Water-Inefficient Landscaping

https://theonion.com/water-inefficient-landscaping/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

Water-Inefficient Landscaping: Featuring lush, non-native tropical plants, a pool, a fish pond, and a private putting green, this home spits in Mother Nature’s face and dares her to do something about it. Reference #815233 The post Water-Inefficient…

Tips For LGBTQ+ Travelers

https://theonion.com/tips-for-lgbtq-travelers/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

June is time for Pride and time for travel. The Onion shares tips for helping LGBTQ+ Americans stay safe while traveling this summer.  Use discretion when conversing with strangers on apps who list their job as “Secret Police.” Make sure the destination…

Cat Ownership Linked To Schizophrenia

https://theonion.com/cat-ownership-linked-to-schizophrenia/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

A meta-analysis of existing research found that cat owners had an increased risk of schizophrenia-related disorders, concluding that those exposed to cats had twice the likelihood of developing psychosis. What do you think? The post Cat Ownership Linked To…

Kane Parsons Attaches Backrooms.Mov To Film School Application

https://theonion.com/kane-parsons-attaches-backrooms-mov-to-film-school-application/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

PETALUMA, CA—Nervously drumming his fingers as he reviewed the information one more time, local 20-year-old Kane Parsons reportedly attached the file Backrooms.mov to his film school application Monday. “Alright, here goes nothing,” said Parsons, who told…

FDA Recalls 40,000 Gallons Of RFK Jr. Milk

https://theonion.com/fda-recalls-40000-gallons-of-rfk-jr-milk/

Published: June 8, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—In what experts are already calling one of the worst outbreaks of foodborne illness in decades, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued an urgent recall Tuesday for 40,000 gallons of RFK Jr. milk. The recall, which covers all milk produced…

Mystery Men Emerge From NYC Manholes

https://theonion.com/mystery-men-emerge-from-nyc-manholes/

Published: June 6, 2026 13:00

At least three incidents of mysterious men climbing up from manholes in Brooklyn and Queens have been reported in the past month, prompting warnings from NYC officials about the dangers of exploring the sewer system. What do you think? The post Mystery Men…

Zeus Lands Cameo Role As Trojan Soldier In ‘The Odyssey’

https://theonion.com/zeus-lands-cameo-role-as-trojan-soldier-in-the-odyssey/

Published: June 5, 2026 14:08

LOS ANGELES—Sending fans of Greek mythology into a frenzy on social media, The Odyssey director Christopher Nolan confirmed Friday that god of sky and thunder Zeus had landed a cameo role in the film as a Trojan soldier. “Yes, that was indeed the King of…

Biggest Revelations From Jill Biden’s New Memoir

https://theonion.com/biggest-revelations-from-jill-bidens-new-memoir/

Published: June 5, 2026 14:05

Jill Biden has released View From The East Wing, a memoir detailing her time as first lady of the United States. Here are the book’s biggest revelations:  Knew from first time she met Joe that he had what it takes to become president, succumb to hubris,…

Diana Yanko

https://theonion.com/diana-yanko/

Published: June 5, 2026 13:00

Diana Yanko, 61, died on Tuesday after an AI incorrectly filed her charts, another AI denied her claim, and a third AI turned off her life support. The post Diana Yanko appeared first on The Onion.

Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For 90th Birthday

https://theonion.com/man-plans-to-climb-mount-kilimanjaro-for-90th-birthday/

Published: June 5, 2026 13:00

An 89-year-old Los Angeles resident plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro for his 90th birthday this summer, which would make him the oldest person to ever summit Africa’s highest mountain. What do you think? The post Man Plans To Climb Mount Kilimanjaro For…

Slipknot Orders Trump To Stop Using Their Masks During Rallies

https://theonion.com/slipknot-orders-trump-to-stop-using-their-masks-during-rallies/

Published: June 5, 2026 10:00

DES MOINES, IA—Joining a long line of musicians who have threatened legal action against the commander-in-chief, nu-metal band Slipknot issued a public statement Tuesday demanding President Donald Trump stop using their masks during his rallies. “Donald…

Trump Orders Advanced Federal Review Of Frontier AI Models

https://theonion.com/trump-orders-advanced-federal-review-of-frontier-ai-models/

Published: June 4, 2026 21:28

President Donald Trump signed an executive order for AI companies to provide the federal government early access to their newest models, an effort to weigh national and cybersecurity risks before they reach market. What do you think? The post Trump Orders…

Department Of Labor Cracks Down On People Getting Paid For Work

https://theonion.com/department-of-labor-cracks-down-on-people-getting-paid-for-work/

Published: June 4, 2026 19:43

WASHINGTON—Adopting a tougher stance against the increasingly widespread form of workplace corruption, U.S. Department of Labor officials announced plans Thursday to crack down on people getting paid for their work. “For far too long, the practice of…

Trump Diverts All Science Funding Into Locating The Smurfs

https://theonion.com/trump-diverts-all-science-funding-into-locating-the-smurfs/

Published: June 4, 2026 18:56

WASHINGTON—Instituting a massive overhaul to the federal government’s scientific grant system in order to find the mythical cartoon characters, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he would be diverting all science funding into locating The…

What To Know About ‘Backrooms’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-backrooms/

Published: June 4, 2026 17:26

In a record-breaking opening weekend for A24, horror movie Backrooms brought in $81 million at the domestic box office. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the Kane Parsons film. Q: Is this the first major motion picture based on a YouTube…

Tom Holland Wakes Up From Terrible Nightmare Where Jenners Almost Got Him

https://theonion.com/tom-holland-wakes-up-from-terrible-nightmare-where-jenners-almost-got-him/

Published: June 4, 2026 13:00

LONDON—Bolting upright in bed in a cold sweat, actor Tom Holland reportedly woke up from a terrible nightmare Thursday in which the Jenners almost got him. “Oh my God, it was awful—they were bearing down on me, and I screamed and screamed, but no sound…

FCC To Investigate TV Shows Where The Mom Has Job

https://theonion.com/fcc-to-investigate-tv-shows-where-the-mom-has-job/

Published: June 4, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Saying it had been forced to take action against networks that refused to change their conduct, the Federal Communications Commission announced Monday it would investigate broadcasters of TV shows where the mom has a job. “It has come to our…

Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith

https://theonion.com/alisa-schonfeld-and-michael-coopersmith/

Published: June 4, 2026 13:00

Wedding vows were exchanged Sunday under the eyes of God, despite the fact that He wasn’t invited. The post Alisa Schonfeld and Michael Coopersmith appeared first on The Onion.

College Professor  Pretty Sure   Student Using    AI To Refuse Advances

https://theonion.com/college-professor-pretty-sure-student-using-ai-to-refuse-advances/

Published: June 4, 2026 13:00

EAST LANSING, MI—Calling the 21-year-old’s replies to his emails and text messages “rote” and “overly formal,” local professor Lowell Sterbenz told reporters Friday he was “pretty sure” student Evelyn Atwater was using AI to refuse his sexual advances. “It…

Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular

https://theonion.com/black-neighborhood-demolished-to-make-room-for-nothing-in-particular/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

FORT WORTH, TX—In a move that left hundreds of longtime residents scrambling to find alternative housing, municipal construction crews reportedly demolished a local Black neighborhood Thursday, part of an ongoing city project to make room for nothing in…

Heaven’s Gate Members Enjoy 29th Euphoric Year On Highest Plane Of Existence

https://theonion.com/heavens-gate-members-enjoy-29th-euphoric-year-on-highest-plane-of-existence/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

THE NEXT LEVEL—Still reaping the benefits of a mass suicide timed to coincide with the arrival of the Hale–Bopp comet, members of the Heaven’s Gate cult told reporters Friday they were looking forward to this month’s anniversary celebration of their 29th…

PETA Billboard Falsely Assumes Man Wouldn’t Eat His Cat

https://theonion.com/peta-billboard-falsely-assumes-man-wouldnt-eat-his-cat/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

DENVER—Remarking that the anti-meat advertisement had significantly misjudged his moral boundaries, local man Tyler Richards reported Tuesday that a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals billboard had falsely assumed he wouldn’t eat his cat. “I know…

Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam

https://theonion.com/owners-will-retain-access-to-the-ring-cam/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam: It’s not that big of a deal. They want to see what you’ll be up to. Reference #918445 The post Owners Will Retain Access To The Ring Cam appeared first on The Onion.

Meta Launches Instagram Plus

https://theonion.com/meta-launches-instagram-plus/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

Meta announced a new Instagram Plus subscription plan for $3.99, allowing extra features such as the ability to extend stories longer than 24 hours and see who rewatched users’ stories. What do you think? The post Meta Launches Instagram Plus appeared…

Ron Green

https://theonion.com/ron-green/

Published: June 3, 2026 13:00

Scientists officially know 0.0000000000000000001% of what’s on the ocean floor now that Ron Green, 36, drowned in one. The post Ron Green appeared first on The Onion.

Serena Williams Returns To Tennis

https://theonion.com/serena-williams-returns-to-tennis/

Published: June 2, 2026 19:21

Serena Williams announced she will play doubles at the prestigious HSBC Championships as a wildcard, marking the 44-year-old superstar’s return to professional tennis after a four-year hiatus away from the sport. What do you think? The post Serena Williams…

Report: Music’s Power To Unite, Heal Down 74%

https://theonion.com/report-musics-power-to-unite-heal-down-74/

Published: June 2, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Indicating a downward trend across all genres, a new report from the Recording Industry Association of America released Thursday found that music’s power to bridge divides and lift spirits had dropped 74%. “After this latest dip in its capacity…

Worst Financial Decision Of Man’s Life Celebrates Grand Opening

https://theonion.com/worst-financial-decision-of-mans-life-celebrates-grand-opening/

Published: June 2, 2026 13:00

BOISE, ID—Inviting friends, family, and “lovers of crepes from far and wide,” local man Mark Kovac, 53, held a gathering Friday to celebrate the grand opening of the single worst financial decision of his entire life. Lulu’s Crepes, which 10 months from…

Kash Patel Under Fire For Using FBI Jet To Blow-Dry Hair

https://theonion.com/kash-patel-under-fire-for-using-fbi-jet-to-blow-dry-hair/

Published: June 2, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Drawing intense scrutiny for what opponents have characterized as misuse of agency resources, FBI director Kash Patel came under fire Tuesday for using an FBI jet to blow-dry his hair. “On numerous occasions, Kash Patel has inappropriately…

Greta Sampson and Arnold White

https://theonion.com/greta-sampson-and-arnold-white/

Published: June 2, 2026 13:00

Both bride and groom knew working with a matchmaker would be a waste of time, but they were determined to get their money’s worth no matter what. The post Greta Sampson and Arnold White appeared first on The Onion.

I’m So Sad You Didn’t Think You Could Tell Your Father And Me You Were The Santa Fe Slasher

https://theonion.com/im-so-sad-you-didnt-think-you-could-tell-your-father-and-me-you-were-the-santa-fe-slasher/

Published: June 2, 2026 13:00

Listen, sweetie. There’s something your father and I wanted to talk to you about. Over the past few months, we’ve noticed you’ve been behaving a little differently. Your grades have slipped, you always seem a little distracted, and, yes, we’ve noticed you…

‘Fuck It, A Gig’s A Gig,’ Says Bruce Springsteen, Agreeing To Headline Freedom 250 Concert

https://theonion.com/fuck-it-a-gigs-a-gig-says-bruce-springsteen-agreeing-to-headline-freedom-250-concert/

Published: June 1, 2026 18:26

COLTS NECK, NJ—Declaring that he wasn’t about to turn down a fat check for shitting out some hits, rock icon Bruce Springsteen said, “Fuck it, a gig’s a gig,” Monday as he agreed to headline the controversial Freedom 250 concert series on the National Mall…

‘Euphoria’ Delivers Happy Ending Where Fans Never Have To Watch ‘Euphoria’ Again

https://theonion.com/euphoria-delivers-happy-ending-where-fans-never-have-to-watch-euphoria-again/

Published: June 1, 2026 17:39

LOS ANGELES—Breathing a deep sigh of relief as the credits rolled Sunday night, fans praised HBO drama Euphoria for delivering a happy ending in which they would never have to watch the series ever again. “Thank God, it’s over—it’s finally over,” said…

Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein

https://theonion.com/tearful-trump-claims-he-was-sex-trafficked-by-epstein/

Published: June 1, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department’s release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier…

CEOs Lose Confidence In Economy

https://theonion.com/ceos-lose-confidence-in-economy/

Published: June 1, 2026 13:00

A survey of the world’s top CEOs found that a majority were losing confidence in the economy, with the ongoing war in Iran causing continued uncertainty. What do you think? The post CEOs Lose Confidence In Economy appeared first on The Onion.

Everything We Know About ‘The Odyssey’ So Far

https://theonion.com/everything-we-know-about-the-odyssey-so-far/

Published: June 1, 2026 13:00

The Odyssey, director Christopher Nolan’s first film since Oppenheimer, is coming to theaters July 17. Here is everything we know about the highly anticipated blockbuster so far. Stars returning include Nolan favorites Matt Damon, Anne Hathaway, Chris…

Heartbreaking Podcast Studio Included

https://theonion.com/heartbreaking-podcast-studio-included/

Published: June 1, 2026 13:00

his updated home includes a bonus room that has been turned into a pathetic little podcast studio, perfect for anyone interested in releasing three episodes of a show about international soccer before losing interest. Reference #728543 The post…

Pros And Cons Of Gentrification

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-gentrification/

Published: June 1, 2026 13:00

While real estate investors often claim the goal of gentrification is to revitalize a neglected community, critics tend to view it as a harbinger of displacement that only benefits the wealthy. The Onion examines the pros and cons of gentrification. PRO…