@theonion.com@rss-parrot.net
I'm an automated parrot! I relay a website's RSS feed to the Fediverse. Every time a new post appears in the feed, I toot about it. Follow me to get all new posts in your Mastodon timeline! Brought to you by the RSS Parrot.
---
The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Site URL: theonion.com
Feed URL: theonion.com/feed
Posts: 46
Followers: 1
Both Campaigns Release Ads Showcasing Trumpâs Most Racist Comments
https://theonion.com/both-campaigns-release-ads-showcasing-trumps-most-racist-comments/
Published: October 22, 2024 14:42
NEW YORKâFeaturing nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of TrumpâsâŚ
Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote
https://theonion.com/trump-vows-to-outlaw-electricity-to-secure-powerful-amish-vote/
Published: October 21, 2024 19:11
In an appeal to the powerful voting bloc, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense. The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure PowerfulâŚ
Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best
Published: October 21, 2024 18:28
STANFORD, CAâConcluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they didâŚ
Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House
https://theonion.com/trump-accuses-kamala-harris-of-lying-about-having-job-at-white-house/
Published: October 21, 2024 18:25
WASHINGTONâIn an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice presidentâs employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. âPhony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House forâŚ
Fire Station That Burned Down Didnât Have Fire Alarm
https://theonion.com/fire-station-that-burned-down-didnt-have-fire-alarm/
Published: October 21, 2024 14:51
A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think? The post Fire Station That BurnedâŚ
We Need To Take Trumpâs Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed
Published: October 21, 2024 14:46
The post We Need To Take Trumpâs Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed appeared first on The Onion.
30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken
https://theonion.com/30-of-border-patrol-cameras-broken/
Published: October 19, 2024 12:00
Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrolâs primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think? The post 30% Of Border Patrol CamerasâŚ
U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud
https://theonion.com/u-s-treasury-uses-ai-to-prevent-billions-in-fraud/
Published: October 18, 2024 21:01
The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think? TheâŚ
Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak
https://theonion.com/bret-baier-admits-he-made-mistake-letting-kamala-harris-speak/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:24
NEW YORKâAddressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. âI want to say that it wasâŚ
FEMA: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/fema-myth-vs-fact/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:14
FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency. MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recoveryâŚ
Nuclear Weapons Have The Potential To Frighten My Nervous Dogs
https://theonion.com/nuclear-weapons-have-the-potential-to-frighten-my-nervous-dogs/
Published: October 18, 2024 17:09
With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever, we need toâŚ
Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early
https://theonion.com/woman-feels-accomplished-after-finishing-holiday-weight-gain-early/
Published: October 18, 2024 15:16
PITTSBURGHâPatting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. âUsually I put it off until the last minute, but this year Iâve already putâŚ
Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam
https://theonion.com/trump-releases-skull-measurements-from-phrenology-exam/
Published: October 18, 2024 15:14
PALM BEACH, FLâClaiming he had the most âbeautiful and perfectâ cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurements from his latest phrenology exam.âŚ
Bret Baier Asks Harris To Prove She Moving Forward By Handing Her Baseball Bat, Wheeling Out Caged Biden
Published: October 18, 2024 15:12
WASHINGTONâOffering the vice president a chance to gain the trust of voters skeptical about whether her policies would actually differ from those of the current administration, Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly challenged Kamala Harris Wednesday to proveâŚ
Pope Francis Excommunicates All Of Worldâs Catholics So He Can Have Quiet Weekend Alone
Published: October 18, 2024 15:10
VATICAN CITYâIn an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the worldâs Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. âItâs just been so longâŚ
Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy
https://theonion.com/italy-bans-overseas-surrogacy/
Published: October 17, 2024 19:00
Italy criminalized citizens going abroad to have children through surrogacy, a measure slammed by opponents as âmedievalâ and discriminatory to same-sex couples. What do you think? The post Italy Bans Overseas Surrogacy appeared first on The Onion.
Logan Paul Claims Prime Perfectly Healthy For Average 9-Foot-Tall, 400-Pound Child
Published: October 17, 2024 18:50
DORADO, PUERTO RICOâIn response to concerns about the health effects of his popular line of drinks, YouTuber and entrepreneur Logan Paul claimed Thursday that Prime is perfectly healthy for the average 9-foot-tall, 400-pound child. âIf Prime is consumed asâŚ
Trump Pledges To Use Obscure 18th-Century Law To Marry Daughter
https://theonion.com/trump-pledges-to-use-obscure-18th-century-law-to-marry-daughter/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:59
PALM BEACH, FLâOutlining his ambitious plans for a potential second presidential term, Republican candidate Donald Trump reportedly made a pledge Thursday to use an obscure 18th-century law to marry his daughter. âWeâre moving full steam ahead withâŚ
Kamala Harris Appears On White Noise Podcast In Appeal To Sleepy Voters
https://theonion.com/kamala-harris-appears-on-white-noise-podcast-in-appeal-to-sleepy-voters/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:19
The post Kamala Harris Appears On White Noise Podcast In Appeal To Sleepy Voters appeared first on The Onion.
Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted
https://theonion.com/voters-warned-ballots-flushed-down-toilet-will-no-longer-be-counted/
Published: October 17, 2024 17:07
Due to the high volume of votes flushed down the toilet in the past elections, officials are now warning that ballots sent in via the nationâs sewage system will no longer be counted.  The post Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer BeâŚ
Tips For Organizing A Trunk-Or-Treat
https://theonion.com/tips-for-organizing-a-trunk-or-treat/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:51
Trunk-or-treat events, an alternative to traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating, have increased in popularity as parents grow wary of letting their children stray. Here are tips for organizing your own community trunk-or-treat event. The post Tips ForâŚ
Ava Barden
https://theonion.com/ava-barden/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:28
Ava Barden, 14, imagined dying Thursday evening. In her head, she was survived by her crush Ethan Loughran, whom she imagined weeping as he laid a single white rose on her gravestone. Avaâs family members request that she come down from her room and setâŚ
Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch âStargate SG-1â Than Have Honest Conversation About âStargate SG-1â
Published: October 17, 2024 16:19
BOSTONâDescribing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversationâŚ
Indecisive Hostage-Taker Asks What People Usually Demand
https://theonion.com/indecisive-hostage-taker-asks-what-people-usually-demand/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:10
PROVIDENCE, RIâFeeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. âI thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun andâŚ
Hadesâ Inferno Stadium Once Again Ranked Toughest Arena To Play In
https://theonion.com/hades-inferno-stadium-once-again-ranked-toughest-arena-to-play-in/
Published: October 17, 2024 16:08
NEW YORKâThe site of just two home losses in the past millennium due to the incredibly hostile atmosphere of the malevolent venue, Hadesâ Inferno Stadium was once again ranked first on ESPNâs list of toughest arenas to play in this week. Situated in theâŚ
Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky
https://theonion.com/julia-cunningham-and-tommy-zubritzky/
Published: October 16, 2024 17:09
Rumor has it the wedding cost $60,000. $60,000! Can you believe that? Thatâs two Honda Accords. The post Julia Cunningham and Tommy Zubritzky appeared first on The Onion.
âNew York Timesâ To Cease Publication
https://theonion.com/new-york-times-to-cease-publication/
Published: October 16, 2024 15:29
NEW YORKâWith the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onionâs newly relaunched printâŚ
MLB Adds Clock To Speed Up Joe Davisâ Commentary
https://theonion.com/mlb-adds-clock-to-speed-up-joe-davis-commentary/
Published: October 16, 2024 15:22
NEW YORKâIssuing a rule change they claimed was necessary to bring the game into the 21st century, Major League Baseball officials announced Wednesday they would add a clock to speed up Joe Davisâ commentary. âAdding a 30-second clock to cut down on JoeâsâŚ
Hurripain-In-The-Ass
https://theonion.com/hurripain-in-the-ass/
Published: October 15, 2024 16:21
The post Hurripain-In-The-Ass appeared first on The Onion.
What Issues Are Most Important To Gen Z Voters?
https://theonion.com/what-issues-are-most-important-to-gen-z-voters/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
Gen Z voters ages 18 to 27 could tip the scale in a tight race for the White House. The Onion shares the issues that are most important to the nationâs youngest eligible voters heading into the 2024 election. Economy: Like generations before them, Gen ZâŚ
Helicopter Pilot Who Crashed Into Hotel Revealed To Be Drunk
https://theonion.com/helicopter-pilot-who-crashed-into-hotel-revealed-to-be-drunk/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
An incident report found that a pilot who died after crashing a helicopter into a hotel in Australia had âsignificant blood alcohol contentâ during the unauthorized flight, causing hundreds of guests and staff to be evacuated from the DoubleTree when theâŚ
Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading âWuthering Heightsâ
https://theonion.com/zoo-gorilla-looks-bored-out-of-mind-reading-wuthering-heights/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
CHICAGOâObserving the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga, who looked bored out of his mind reading Wuthering Heights. Concerned visitorsâŚ
Yankees Move To Connecticut To Raise Kids
https://theonion.com/yankees-move-to-connecticut-to-raise-kids/
Published: October 15, 2024 12:00
NEW YORKâFollowing months of soul searching and a protracted home sale negotiation, the New York Yankees reportedly moved to Southport, CT this week to settle down and raise their kids. âWe really love this city and have had some of the best nights of ourâŚ
Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town
Published: October 14, 2024 15:51
The post Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town appeared first on The Onion.
Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To Hurricane Relief Efforts
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-donates-5-million-to-hurricane-relief-efforts/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:26
Pop star Taylor Swift donated $5 million to Feeding America to support relief efforts in the aftermath of Hurricanes Helene and Milton, the contribution helping to provide essential food, clean water, and supplies to people affected by these devastatingâŚ
2024 Election Spending By The Numbers
https://theonion.com/2024-election-spending-by-the-numbers/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:09
The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election $2.5 million: Cost of pollâŚ
Supreme Court Rules 6-3 To Open Evil Tomb Of Batibat
https://theonion.com/supreme-court-rules-6-3-to-open-evil-tomb-of-batibat/
Published: October 14, 2024 15:04
WASHINGTONâDespite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victimsâŚ
Neither Ex Keeps Friends After Breakup
https://theonion.com/neither-ex-keeps-friends-after-breakup/
Published: October 14, 2024 14:58
SPARTANBURG, SCâOpting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. âAfter hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it hasâŚ
Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents
https://theonion.com/tourist-impressed-by-size-of-chicago-residents/
Published: October 14, 2024 14:53
CHICAGOâGawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicagoâs residents. âBack home, we donât have anything this massive, you know?â said Jensen,âŚ
Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit
https://theonion.com/human-lifespan-hits-upper-limit/
Published: October 11, 2024 18:45
A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think? The post Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit appearedâŚ
Tips For Saving Money On Groceries
https://theonion.com/tips-for-saving-money-on-groceries/
Published: October 11, 2024 15:01
Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American familiesâ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries. The post Tips For Saving Money On Groceries appeared first on The Onion.
Taco Bell Announces Itâs Plumb Out Of Ideas For New Places To Put Beef
https://theonion.com/taco-bell-announces-its-plumb-out-of-ideas-for-new-places-to-put-beef/
Published: October 11, 2024 14:57
IRVINE, CAâDespite the fast food chainâs self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. âWeâre stumpedâwe canât think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beefâŚ
Conspiracy Theorists Claim Hurricanes Man-Made
https://theonion.com/conspiracy-theorists-claim-hurricanes-man-made/
Published: October 10, 2024 20:26
Conspiracy theorists have taken to social media amidst a devastating hurricane season to promote false rumors that officials control the weather, with some claiming that Helene was an engineered storm to allow corporations to mine regional lithiumâŚ
Francis Ford Coppolaâs âMegalopolisâ Flops
https://theonion.com/francis-ford-coppolas-megalopolis-flops/
Published: October 10, 2024 16:11
Francis Ford Coppolaâs decades-in-the-making, self-financed epic Megalopolis flopped at the box office, earning only $4 million opening weekend despite the Godfather director spending $120 million of his own money. What do you think? The post Francis FordâŚ
Biggest Supreme Court Cases To Watch
https://theonion.com/biggest-supreme-court-cases-to-watch/
Published: October 10, 2024 14:15
This Monday, the Supreme Court kicked off its new term. Here is a selection of some of the most consequential issues the court can be expected to rule on over the coming months. The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases To Watch appeared first on The Onion.
Other Guy In Revolving Door Not Doing Shit To Help Move This Thing
https://theonion.com/other-guy-in-revolving-door-not-doing-shit-to-help-move-this-thing/
Published: October 10, 2024 14:10
MANCHESTER, NHâBlasting the individual for barely shuffling his goddamn feet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasnât doing shit to help move the thing. âWhy do I have to putâŚ