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🦜 @fesshole.bsky.social on Bluesky

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I'm an automated parrot! I relay a website's RSS feed to the Fediverse. Every time a new post appears in the feed, I toot about it. Follow me to get all new posts in your Mastodon timeline! Brought to you by the RSS Parrot.

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Site URL: bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social

Feed URL: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:tbrthh5pfovhdv5pkdhocnub/rss

Posts: 134

Followers: 1

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkmy5uzstx2m

Published: April 29, 2026 11:20

Called away while making whipped cream for a sponge cake. I ended up with slightly sweetened butter. Did I use it? Of course. Was it as good as whipped cream? Actually, I think it was significantly better. I ate half of that cake instead of just one slice.…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkmuskfour22

Published: April 29, 2026 10:20

Colleague at first job brought in cake every time Stoke won. Didn't have much interest in football but started looking up results to see if I'd get cake. Her Pavlov training worked: 20 years later - no longer in touch with her, but this London boy is a…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkmrhbaqro2x

Published: April 29, 2026 09:20

Years ago on a holiday with the lads in Thailand I accidentally took a reserved sunbed from another tourist. I'll never forget his distinctive German accent, when he asked 'Are you English?'. I ignored him and walked away. I'm Australian for the record.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkmo3xynyu2m

Published: April 29, 2026 08:20

The wife is away for some days. Dinner today was a bowl of boiled rice with half a jar of Branston, quarter jar of English mustard, and a full 250 g of unsalted butter, all scooped up with thick-cut crisps. I wish the wife would travel more often.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkmkqpwetw2b

Published: April 29, 2026 07:20

Worked in football and we won a cup semi-final. Colleague drove me back, ringing person after person the whole two hours home, arranging to go and celebrate. Didn't even pretend to invite me. A long, painfully awkward way to find out someone doesn't like…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mklj7shkov2s

Published: April 28, 2026 21:20

I don't pay attention to my wife's hair, so when I see on our calendar that she's having it done I set an alarm on my phone on the way home to remind me. When I get home I tell her how nice it looks. It's a system that seems to work.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mklcj7jzsy24

Published: April 28, 2026 19:20

Woke up in middle of night for toilet and dog had done a giant đź’© on the landing. Stepped over it went toilet then back to bed as if I hadn't seen it. Was woken up the next morning to screaming from my mum who had come out her room and stood straight in it.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkl75wbsfm2v

Published: April 28, 2026 18:20

My boyfriend thinks I don't shave down there because I'm smashing the patriarchy, it's actually because once my pubes get really long and wirey, they become really easy to pull out, something which I find incredibly satisfying.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkkyhe5bl32i

Published: April 28, 2026 16:20

I used to wait until my parents were out and sneak to dad's porn stash in his room. One day I accidentally squirted all over their bed, I shut the cat in there and went out. They thought they locked the cat in before leaving, and he'd pissed on the bed.…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkkrqroaam2x

Published: April 28, 2026 14:20

As an engineering apprentice in the mid 90s I used to work with a lad that copied porn vids by setting up a video camera towards his tv. He brought one in to get passed around and on the screen was his reflection pleasuring himself. Didn't tell him and…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkkofijg7m25

Published: April 28, 2026 13:20

Went to see the doctor because my piles were giving me hell. I assumed the permission, and she immediately said she had found the problem - a wad of dried-up toilet paper which had got wedged inside. I've since emigrated.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkkedoqlnd2u

Published: April 28, 2026 10:20

My wife has been away for a few nights. I thought it would be nice if she came home to clean bedding. It was only after the washing machine had started that I realised I could have stayed in bed and banged one out first. Gutted.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkkayfiyiy2s

Published: April 28, 2026 09:20

I regularly donate plasma at the local blood donor centre. People think it's because I am an altruistic, generous person. But really it's because I get an hour away from work and family, no one there knows me but they're all really friendly, and I get…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkk5n23kci2u

Published: April 28, 2026 08:20

When I buy food for immediate consumption and I'm asked if i want a receipt I reply, "It's ok, I'm not going to bring it back tomorrow" I feel terrible as I've become a middle aged man with a 'joke' that the poor worker has to laugh politely at and as…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkis2cad3x2u

Published: April 27, 2026 19:20

As a short-haired woman on holiday, I went to another resort for breakfast. Admiring architecture led to conversation with two women. I accepted their offer to see their cabin, cheerfully thanked them, and left. Realised fifteen years later that they were…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkildpt2pw24

Published: April 27, 2026 17:20

I had a cancer diagnosis four years ago and the brilliant NHS successfully dealt with it. The fess is that I told nobody, including my family, and therefore avoided everyone's well-intentioned but intrusive and tiring meddling.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkibbw66uh2h

Published: April 27, 2026 14:20

30th birthday celebration in Edinburgh. I got the most drunk I've ever been to this day. I thought it would be hilarious to piss off George IV Bridge onto the Cowgate below. Friday night. Must have hit someone. So ashamed.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mki5wkv5v322

Published: April 27, 2026 13:20

At 13, I had a cig in the garden on a hot summers day, when done I threw it on the coal bunker and went out, my mum returned from work with the coal bunker up in flames, to this day, 24 years later, she still hoses the coal bunker in summer incase the sun…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkhx7zz2lb2b

Published: April 27, 2026 11:20

Fess: I squeeze ripe bananas with my bare hand until they spurt between my fingers with a satisfying sound. I then lick my fingers and palm to get all the gooey banana paste. Then I repeat until it's all fully licked off.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkhn64vtl325

Published: April 27, 2026 08:20

Back when McDonald's used to give stickers for a 'free 7th coffee' on their cups, I was printing shop manager for a corporate sign company. Me and a colleague copied and colour matching the sticker. We printed them off by the thousand. Free shit Coffee at…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkgibyflg42e

Published: April 26, 2026 21:20

Husband's iPhone syncs to our TV. I had a 'big' birthday coming up. Saw he had a picture of my passport. Got excited that I was going to be surprised with a mini break. The big day came and went. Turns out he was just laughing at my photo in a WhatsApp…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkgewnsk5x2v

Published: April 26, 2026 20:20

I thought my boss was rude. It turns out she just has no idea what different face emoji mean. As far as she's concerned they're all smileys. On the one hand, I'm relieved that she's not mean. On the other hand, how can a 28 y/o know so little about…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkg6a42ao32m

Published: April 26, 2026 18:20

In primary school, I had as assignment to compare myself to my dad and wrote that we both liked classical music. I thought it was a synonym for classic rock, all we ever had on the radio. Spent the next eight years pretending to appreciate Mozart so I…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfxjiqreb2e

Published: April 26, 2026 16:20

During a very long speed awareness course the instructor asked any more questions, one guy put his hand up and asked multiple questions making us all stay for another 45 mins. When he got in his car he left a cup of coffee on his roof, i could of told him…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfnhnwhck2v

Published: April 26, 2026 13:20

In the early days of our relationship my husband used the toilet and came back to cuddle on the sofa, I smelt something and his fingers smelt of shit, made him go back and wash his hands! My fess, I still have a little sniff 18 years later just incase I…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfk4dze4t25

Published: April 26, 2026 12:20

I had an informal agreement with my director at work that if there were redundancies I would fall on my sword so to speak as I'm in a good financial position compared to younger folks. Really I wanted out. Just had a round of redundancied, wasn't included.…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfgr2ysdc22

Published: April 26, 2026 11:20

I am a freemason. I thought it would be all exciting secret world stuff. Its old blokes moaning about ceremonies and trying to get promotions, its like being in work. Its crap. No goats are involved and no secrets worth knowing. My nipple has never even…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfdfthl4y2h

Published: April 26, 2026 10:20

I'm from a working class upbringing, but now my family are National Trust members with a Volvo. At any NT property we use our NT names - daughter Bunty, son Barnabus, wife Babs, me Bilbo from getting out car to return, with full posho accents. "Bunty…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkfa2igrc52h

Published: April 26, 2026 09:20

I'm going to be watching the absolute shit out of that new Harry Potter series, because I love the books and I need escapism. I won't be telling a soul as all my friends would disown me. Don't worry though, I'll be pirating it.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkf4pa6re52x

Published: April 26, 2026 08:20

Wanted to deep fry something other than potatoes. Tried it with a dough of rice flour and water. Holy crap! It's so crunchy that biting it is like an earthquake in the skull. Would try again. The wife didn't care for it though.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkem7ucwha2e

Published: April 26, 2026 03:25

FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS: 23 Apr 2026 - Malmö Live, Malmö, Sweden; 25 Apr 2026 - Bio Skandia, Stockholm, Sweden; 14 May 2026 - 53Two, Manchester; 18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club, Hull; 20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkdadzaqvy2i

Published: April 25, 2026 14:20

Worked as an office junior, one day went commando wearing cheap trousers from a catalogue. At the printer, felt some air at my crotch, looked down. They'd split open and my pubes were sticking out. Grabbed a stapler to take into the ladies, so I could…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkczngczmq2h

Published: April 25, 2026 12:20

After having driven for 30 years, I still don't know whether one is supposed to pull over for a funeral procession. There is nothing about it in the rulebook but everyone around me pulls over so it feels unsafe to charge on ahead.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkcwc5aqm22i

Published: April 25, 2026 11:20

Aged 14 I cycled home with fish and chips and spotted two rotund cops parked with the windows open, so I fucked the lot into it ("That little fucker! Fuck him!") and escaped. I still think about how long it would have taken the cunts to sort it out.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkcmac2gte2b

Published: April 25, 2026 08:20

I've picked my nose and bitten my nails for as long as I can remember. Having no nails has made the other part of the deal an inelegant extraction. After 40 years, I've started growing my nails again and the nose picking side of things has been…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkciuysvwd24

Published: April 25, 2026 07:20

For foods sold in glass jars, I wash them when empty and piss in them, seal them and mark them with the date. Over a year I have built a bookshelf of 60 such jars. They catch the light in an attractive way and change colour over time. It's free and fun.

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkc3qwomof2m

Published: April 25, 2026 03:25

FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS: 23 Apr 2026 - Malmö Live, Malmö, Sweden; 25 Apr 2026 - Bio Skandia, Stockholm, Sweden; 14 May 2026 - 53Two, Manchester; 18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club, Hull; 20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkbanjqbdd2s

Published: April 24, 2026 19:20

Moving house & decided to take old pornos to recycling centre and the rest to the local charity shop. Old lady happily accepted my donation. Of course I got the bags mixed up and donated the dodgy dvds. Gave my name and address for gift aid too

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkb5cad2ll24

Published: April 24, 2026 18:20

I always give the call centre a chance but they inevitably fail to fix problems. So I write a letter on paper and sent in the post to the board chair. Someone in their team generally has actual authority to fix problems. I know it doesn't scale but it does…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkawlov2qb2v

Published: April 24, 2026 16:20

My English brother-in-law thought he was funny getting his young kids to shout "Top of the morning" and "To be sure" at me repeatedly when we come to visit from Ireland. Final straw was "Hello Paddy". His kids now shout "Cunty balls" in nursery which is…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkatagcpi42g

Published: April 24, 2026 15:20

I stopped at my mum's on the way back from Tesco. She asked why I had so many bottles of bleach. "One for each loo, of course." Apparently, you don't need to use a whole 750ml bottle of bleach when cleaning a loo. I thought each bottle was one "portion".

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkaj6kegvg2z

Published: April 24, 2026 12:20

I was 14 working in a chippy on a Saturday night and there was a huge queue. I was putting fish into the hot oil when my watch strap broken and my Casio was fried without any batter. The owner had to close the shop and drain the oil. I was not invited…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mkachxzosh2u

Published: April 24, 2026 10:20

I'm balding and I've gotten estimates for a hair transplant. Problem is, I need to shave my head first and that would make it too conspicuous. I'm secretly hoping that some coworker is diagnosed with a curable cancer so I can pretend I shaved out of…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mka3reypx62e

Published: April 24, 2026 08:20

If I'm staying in a hotel or guest house that uses stinking air freshener making the room smell like a public lav. I go into the settings on the TV and offset the sound by a few milliseconds so it looks out of synch on screen. Nothing more annoying,…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk7lbyuxbw2j

Published: April 24, 2026 03:25

FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS: 23 Apr 2026 - Malmö Live, Malmö, Sweden; 25 Apr 2026 - Bio Skandia, Stockholm, Sweden; 14 May 2026 - 53Two, Manchester; 18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club, Hull; 20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk72aicqe222

Published: April 23, 2026 22:20

I have a set of Doctor Who mugs, one for each Doctor. I secretly rank people by which mug they get. Top tier ones are reserved for me, tradesmen usually are one of the middling incarnations, in-laws get Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk6wv6ld5j2z

Published: April 23, 2026 21:20

I make out to my coworkers as if I have exciting hobbies, but in fact I spend most evenings LARPing as a mid-2000's IT admin. I have a dozen Windows XP virtual machines all connected to Server 2003 and ping across MS Paint dick pics via Outlook to all the…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk6q6mor3c24

Published: April 23, 2026 19:20

Brother-in-law split from long term girlfriend, she unesscessarily still sends me Lynx toiletry kits for Xmas presents. Haven't liked Lynx for 30 years, wife and I rewrap and give as birthday present to her brother, so his ex is still indirectly buying…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk6g4qp25722

Published: April 23, 2026 16:20

For a larf, used to talk to shop staff in a fake Russian accent. Got pretty good at it. Did it with a new bloke at my greengrocer and he replied - in Russian. Screamed, fled and haven't been back since. That was in 2019. Shame since it's the nearest by a…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk6crhmb4w2s

Published: April 23, 2026 15:20

Printer engineer, repaired a users broken printer and jokingly said no wonder it's broken, you've been printing Man United posters. User acted like a dick at this, so I now make a point of sending Man City team posters to printer. It's been over 4 years

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk67g63rzq2m

Published: April 23, 2026 14:20

My path has the fire exit of an escape room on one side. If I hear anyone in there, twatting about with slidey wood puzzles, I utter a word as I walk to my front door. Never a swear word. Just anything that pops into my 50 y/o old brain. Add to their…

https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/post/3mk5ypme4bg2i

Published: April 23, 2026 12:20

I wear noise cancelling earbuds at work and people assume I'm listening to music, so don't talk to me. Truth is I'm listening to long podcasts covering centuries of war crimes and genocides in horrific detail because even they aren't as depressing as my…

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