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Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire.
Site URL: babylonbee.com
Feed URL: babylonbee.com/feed
Posts: 41
Followers: 1
Harris Campaign Admits Tim Walz Was The Only Candidate That Answered Their Craigslist Ad
Published: September 7, 2024 21:32
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Harris campaign have recently admitted under condition of anonymity that Tim Walz was only chosen as Kamala's running mate because he was the only candidate who answered the Craigslist ad.
Americans Unanimously Agree To Vote For Whichever Candidate Stops Sending Them Campaign Donation Text Messages
Published: September 7, 2024 19:48
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans on both sides of the political have finally united under a single issue: every single American in the United States has agreed to vote for whichever candidate stops sending them campaign donation text messages first.
'Maybe We Took A Wrong Turn Somewhere,' Thinks Party Whose Candidate Just Got Endorsed By Dick Cheney And Vladimir Putin
Published: September 7, 2024 19:40
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Insiders within the party that just had its candidate be endorsed by Vladimir Putin and Dick Cheney report that its voters are starting to wonder if perhaps they took a wrong turn somewhere.
Kamala Quietly Asks Aides If She Should Just Try Sleeping With The Economy
Published: September 7, 2024 15:09
U.S. — Vice President Kamala Harris was seen by several witnesses this week ask aides if maybe she should try sleeping with the United States economy.
Kamala Responds To Criticism Over Lack Of Policies By Posting Another Truck Stop Junk Food Video
Published: September 6, 2024 21:12
GARY, IN — In a brilliant, politically savvy response to critics accusing her of not having any policies, Kamala Harris has just posted a brand-new video of her eating truck stop junk food.
The Babylon Bee Has Finally Obtained The Harris-Walz Secret List Of Policies
Published: September 6, 2024 20:22
Kamala Harris has been very secretive about her policies — in fact, no one really knows if she even has any. Unbeknownst to everyone, however, Kamala has been preparing several policies this whole time.
Husband Grabs His Good Baseball Cap For Date Night
https://babylonbee.com/news/husband-grabs-his-good-baseball-cap-for-date-night/
Published: September 6, 2024 18:54
KANSAS CITY, MO — Knowing how much his wife liked it when he dressed up to go out, local husband and father Jace Aaron grabbed his good baseball cap for date night.
Heaven Confirms God Keeps List Of People Who Leave Church Early To Watch Football Games
Published: September 6, 2024 18:46
ETERNAL GLORY — Confirming fears long-held by Christian sports fans, an announcement from Heaven confirmed that God keeps a list of people who leave church early to watch football games.
Man Reaches Age Where He's Starting To Worry He Might Never Own A Panzer Tank
Published: September 6, 2024 17:38
FORT WAYNE, TX — Local man Dave Mulligan celebrated his 43rd birthday this week with the sad realization that he might never actually own a WWII-era German Panzer IV tank.
‘Stop Foreigners Meddling In Our Elections!’ Says Party Inviting Foreigners To Meddle In Elections
Published: September 6, 2024 17:13
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the arrival of yet another wave of allegations of Russian interference in U.S. elections, one American political party that has gone to great lengths to invite foreigners to interfere in elections let foreign nations know it had had…
Trump Prepares For Debate Against Kamala By Going To Bar And Arguing With Drunks
Published: September 5, 2024 20:57
ORLANDO, FL — Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump report that the former president is preparing for his upcoming debate with Kamala Harrisas realistically as possible: by going to wine bars and arguing with drunk people.
Hamas Excited To Learn Killing Israelis Somehow Makes Biden Condemn Israel
Published: September 5, 2024 19:04
GAZA — After news broke over the weekend that the bodies of several executed hostages were recently discovered in Gaza by Israeli Defense Forces, the Palestinian terrorist organization Hamas was reportedly excited to learn that killing Israelis somehow…
FBI Says They Were Just About To Get The School Shooter But They Had To Take Care Of A Few Dangerous Pro-Life Protestors First
Published: September 5, 2024 18:54
ARLINGTON, VA — Official FBI sources recently stepped forward to apologize for the Bureau's tardiness in stopping a school shooter, as they were all wrapped up taking care of a few dangerous pro-life protestors at the time.
Grizzled Veteran Comes Out Of Retirement For One Last Russian Collusion Hoax
Published: September 5, 2024 18:36
U.S. — A Sikorsky UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter touched down just outside the residence of Bill and Hillary Clinton on Wednesday, carrying the first lady's former CIA handler. According to an anonymous source, he approached Hillary to recruit her for one…
10 Deadly Days In History That Were Still Less Deadly Than January 6
https://babylonbee.com/news/10-deadly-days-in-history-that-were-still-less-deadly-than-january-6/
Published: September 5, 2024 18:28
Human history is replete with dying, death, and deadly days. At times, it seems like all of human civilization has been marked by tragedy and bloodshed.
BREAKING: The Babylon Bee Made A Movie (This Is Not Satire. We Actually Made A Movie. Stop Laughing, This Is Serious)
Published: September 5, 2024 17:56
We finally did it. We made a movie. And it's glorious.
FBI Assures Public The Next Ten Mass Shooters Are Also On Their Radar
https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-assures-public-the-next-ten-mass-shooters-are-also-on-their-radar/
Published: September 5, 2024 17:15
QUANTICO, VA — Following yet another violent tragedy that took innocent young lives, the Federal Bureau of Investigation assured the public that the next ten mass shooters were also on their radar.
After Motorcade Involved In Fender Bender, Tim Walz Adds Purple Heart To Resume
Published: September 5, 2024 16:05
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Tim Walz has just added another distinguished award to his already impressive military resume. According to sources, the battle-hardened veteran awarded himself a Purple Heart after his motorcade was…
9 Best Reasons To Go Make A Baby RIGHT NOW
https://babylonbee.com/news/9-best-reasons-to-go-make-a-baby-right-now/
Published: September 4, 2024 20:14
Don't try to deny it -- you've been sitting there all day wondering if today is a good day to go make a baby. Wonder no more! Here are nine bulletproof reasons that you should go make a baby IMMEDIATELY:
Tim Walz’s Dog Scout Endorses Trump
https://babylonbee.com/news/tim-walzs-dog-scout-endorses-trump/
Published: September 4, 2024 18:50
ST. PAUL, MN — In a stunning development today, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz's dog "Scout" has officially endorsed Donald J. Trump for president in 2024.
9 Signs You Were The Bad Guy In World War II
https://babylonbee.com/news/9-signs-you-were-the-bad-guy-in-world-war-ii/
Published: September 4, 2024 18:19
History is a complicated subject and, as such, it's difficult to say who the true "bad guy" of World War II was. Was it the fat British man with a penchant for smoking cigars? Was it the guy that looked like Charlie Chaplin? Was it.... the Jews?
Theologians Debate Whether God Could Design IKEA Bookcase Even He Could Not Assemble
Published: September 4, 2024 17:36
OXFORD — Theologians have begun intensely debating whether God is capable of designing an IKEA bookcase that He cannot assemble.
In Interest of Fairness, Chicago White Sox To Be Allowed To Use Batting Tee
https://babylonbee.com/news/in-interest-of-fairness-white-sox-to-be-allowed-to-use-batting-tee/
Published: September 4, 2024 16:25
CHICAGO, IL — With a disastrous season nearing its end, Major League Baseball announced that in the interest of fairness, the Chicago White Sox would now be allowed to use a batting tee.
Tucker Carlson Guest Suggests Avengers Were The Real Villains In 'Infinity War'
Published: September 4, 2024 16:15
WOODSTOCK, ME — In the latest in a string of high-profile but controversial episodes of his popular show on social media platform X, Tucker Carlson interviewed a guest who made the surprising suggestion that the Avengers were the real villains in Infinity…
Amazon Says Error Caused Alexa To Say ‘If You Vote For Trump, I Will Kill You In Your Sleep’
Published: September 4, 2024 16:13
SEATTLE, WA — Amazon apologized this week for a technical glitch that caused its Alexa home assistant device to reply, "If you vote for Donald Trump, I will kill you in your sleep" when asked about the upcoming election.
10 Ways Kamala Addresses Crowds Of Different Races
https://babylonbee.com/news/how-kamala-addresses-crowds-of-each-race/
Published: September 3, 2024 21:42
At this point in the race, Kamala has made it abundantly clear that she is willing and able to deploy literally any accent under the sun she believes will win her votes. You may be wondering: how in the world does she do it?
Diversity Win: College Religion Department Hires Professor Who Believes In God
Published: September 3, 2024 20:48
PRINCETON, NJ — In a historic win for diversity, equity, and inclusion, Princeton University's religion department has just hired a professor who believes in God.
Are Your Apartment Neighbors Actually A Venezuelan Street Gang? Know The Signs
https://babylonbee.com/news/are-your-neighbors-actually-a-venezuelan-street-gang-know-the-signs/
Published: September 3, 2024 20:42
Life as an apartment tenant can sometimes be full of various uncertainties and questions. "Will they raise my rent next year?" "Why is someone always taking my parking space?" "Are my neighbors actually a heavily armed Venezuelan street gang?"
Walt Disney World Updates Hall Of Presidents By Placing President Biden In Beach Chair
Published: September 3, 2024 19:57
ORLANDO — The Hall of Presidents attraction at Walt Disney World Resort has been updated with a more realistic Joe Biden animatronic that is vacationing while asleep in a beach chair.
'Parents Should Not Brainwash Kids Into Their Religion,' Says Progressive Mom Of 3 Trans Kids
Published: September 3, 2024 18:14
PORTLAND, OR — Sources confirmed a local progressive mother with three transgender kids adamantly stated that "parents should never brainwash their kids into their religion."
Wife's Home Improvement Project Takes 10x Longer Than Projected As She Keeps Stopping To Set Up Tripod
Published: September 3, 2024 17:28
ARLINGTON, VA — Local wife Katherine Bassett wrapped up her new home improvement project much later than expected after significant delays spent setting up her phone camera tripod.
Sad: X Ban Leaves Brazilians Without Reliable Access To AI-Generated Images Of Elon Musk And Donald Trump Riding Dinosaurs Through The Death Star
Published: September 3, 2024 15:59
RIO DE JANEIRO — After a corrupt judge enacted a nationwide ban on social media platform X, human rights activists warn that the ban will likely limit Brazilians' access to awesome AI-Generated images of free-speech warrior Elon Musk riding dinosaurs with…
Dad Fervently Praying For Rapture Before He Has To Have ‘The Talk’ With His Son
Published: September 2, 2024 21:47
DOVER, DE — Reports from the Jasper household reported earlier today that Roger Jasper, a father of five, had begun desperately praying for Christ's return before he had to do "The Talk" with his 13-year-old son Nolan.
'I Am Ready To Take Up Arms In Another Crusade,' Says Man Who Has Carpal Tunnel From Playing 'Elden Ring'
Published: September 2, 2024 21:42
KANSAS CITY, MO — Global socio-political tensions climbed yet another step higher and civilization took one more step toward open war, as a local man pledged himself to do whatever may be necessary to defeat the existential threat posed by the enemies of…
Source Says Kamala Was Promoted At McDonald's After Having Affair With Mayor McCheese
Published: September 2, 2024 16:31
U.S. — After skeptics questioned Kamala Harris's claim that she once worked at Mcdonald's, researchers have found evidence of her employment - and rapid promotion to shift manager - after a sordid affair with Mayor McCheese.
Man Tragically Smothered To Death By Horde of Enamored Women After Backing Into Parking Space
Published: September 1, 2024 19:55
ORLANDO, FL — In a tragic turn of events last Friday, local man James Dodgson was smothered to death by a horde of enamored women after he successfully backed his Toyota FJ Cruiser into a parking spot on his first try without even using a backup camera.
Touching: Biden Builds Sandcastle To Honor Murdered American Hostage
https://babylonbee.com/news/touching-biden-builds-sandcastle-to-honor-murdered-american-hostage/
Published: September 1, 2024 19:18
REHOBOTH, DE — President Biden briefly got up from his beach chair this morning to build a little sandcastle in honor of the American hostage brutally executed by Hamas after almost a year in captivity.
Woman Who Got Soldiers Killed Condemns Man Who Comforted Their Families
https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-who-got-soldiers-killed-condemns-man-who-comforted-their-families/
Published: September 1, 2024 18:15
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The woman who got 13 U.S. Service members killed in Afghanistan has issued a statement condemning a man for going to comfort the families of the fallen soldiers.
9 Things That Should Instantly Disqualify A Person From Voting
https://babylonbee.com/news/9-things-that-should-instantly-disqualify-a-person-from-voting/
Published: September 1, 2024 17:31
Just because people can vote doesn't mean they should vote, and frankly there are a lot of clowns out there who don't belong within a hundred yards of a ballot box. Here are the 9 things that ought to immediately disqualify a person from being allowed to…
Family Unsure If Watching Beautiful Meteor Shower Or Just Boeing Plane
https://babylonbee.com/news/family-unsure-if-watching-beautiful-meteor-shower-or-just-boeing-plane/
Published: August 31, 2024 16:36
TEMPE, AZ — The Jennings family enjoyed an incredible light show in the night sky, though it was unclear if it was from a meteor shower or from pieces of airplane falling off a Boeing.
8-Day-Old Jewish Baby Excited For Cool Party They're Throwing For Him And Hey Why Are All The Women Leaving And Who Is This Guy In The Robes
Published: August 31, 2024 13:51
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Sources close to Levi Greenbaum confirmed that the 8-day-old Jewish newborn was "very excited" for a super cool party that his parents were throwing for him today, but became slightly uneasy after noticing a sharp metal device.