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America's Finest News Source.
Site URL: www.theonion.com
Feed URL: www.theonion.com/rss
Posts: 35
Followers: 5
128 New Moons Found Orbiting Saturn
https://theonion.com/128-new-moons-found-orbiting-saturn/
Published: March 14, 2025 19:53
Astronomers have discovered over 100 additional moons orbiting Saturn, bringing the gas giantâs total to 274. What do you think? The post 128 New Moons Found Orbiting Saturn appeared first on The Onion.
JD Vanceâs French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center
https://theonion.com/jd-vances-french-horn-solo-booed-at-kennedy-center/
Published: March 14, 2025 18:34
WASHINGTONâFailing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts while playing a French horn solo, sources confirmed Friday. The stage curtains reportedly rose toâŚ
RFK Jr. Claims Measles Can Be Cured With A Good Concealer
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-claims-measles-can-be-cured-with-a-good-concealer/
Published: March 14, 2025 17:55
WASHINGTONâIn the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer. âIf youâŚ
Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage
https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-helps-pull-democrats-back-from-brink-of-courage/
Published: March 14, 2025 17:52
The post Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage appeared first on The Onion.
Tennessee Man Shot By Dog
https://theonion.com/tennessee-man-shot-by-dog/
Published: March 14, 2025 16:24
A Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo, got his paw stuck in the trigger guard of a gun, causing it to fire. What do you think? The post Tennessee Man Shot By Dog appeared first on The Onion.
Pale Trump Boys Ask When They Can Stop Giving Uncle Elon Blood
https://theonion.com/pale-trump-boys-ask-when-they-can-stop-giving-uncle-elon-blood/
Published: March 14, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâSlumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when they could stop giving him blood. âWeâre tired, UncleâŚ
How Canadians Are Fighting Back Against U.S. Tariffs
https://theonion.com/how-canadians-are-fighting-back-against-u-s-tariffs/
Published: March 14, 2025 13:00
As the trade war heats up, Canada has imposed 25% retaliatory tariffs on billions of dollars of U.S. goods. Here are all the other ways Canada is fighting back: Dramatically paring back supply of fictional girlfriends Going shelf to shelf to boo importedâŚ
Report: More Americans Moving Away From Urban Areas For Rural Life Where They Have Escalating Feud With Beaver
Published: March 14, 2025 13:00
CAMBRIDGE, MAâSuggesting the reversal of a longstanding historical trend towards urbanization, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Harvard University revealed that more Americans were moving away from cities to pursue a rural life where they haveâŚ
Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Brideâs Cousin
Published: March 14, 2025 13:00
PALM SPRINGS, CAâAppreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get high with theâŚ
CEOâs Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates
Published: March 13, 2025 19:14
The post CEOâs Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron
https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-visa-tier-for-immigrants-who-will-be-friends-with-barron/
Published: March 13, 2025 18:14
WASHINGTONâExtending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. âAny immigrant roughlyâŚ
Feds Uncover Terabytes Of Free Speech During Raid Of Protestorâs Residence
https://theonion.com/feds-uncover-terabytes-of-free-speech-during-raid-of-protestors-residence/
Published: March 13, 2025 14:17
WASHINGTONâFollowing a daring operation that saw authorities seize the manâs property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestorâŚ
March Madness By The Numbers
https://theonion.com/march-madness-by-the-numbers/
Published: March 13, 2025 14:14
The 2025 NCAA Division I menâs and womenâs basketball tournaments kick off next week. In honor of the season, The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind March Madness. 7: Opportunities for Cooper Flaggâs mom to embarrass him 15: Times per weekâŚ
âDirty Rainâ Falls Over Multiple States
https://theonion.com/dirty-rain-falls-over-multiple-states/
Published: March 13, 2025 14:12
Rain showers following a massive Texas dust storm left buildings and vehicles from Missouri to West Virginia covered in a grimy film, a rare weather event known as âdirty rain.â What do you think? The post âDirty Rainâ Falls Over Multiple States appearedâŚ
Pronatalist Sex Ed Class Requires Students To Care For 14 Sacks Of Flour
https://theonion.com/pronatalist-sex-ed-class-requires-students-to-care-for-14-sacks-of-flour/
Published: March 13, 2025 13:00
JOPLIN, MOâIn an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14 sacks of flour.âŚ
Egg Companies Assure Customers Dozen Has Always Meant 9
https://theonion.com/egg-companies-assure-customers-dozen-has-always-meant-9/
Published: March 13, 2025 13:00
JACKSON, MSâSeeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nationâs egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that a dozen has always meant nine. âWhile we have seen some temporary shortfalls due to the avian flu, I want toâŚ
Pills: Can We Get Some? Weâre Really Hurting Right Now
https://theonion.com/pills-can-we-get-some-were-really-hurting-right-now/
Published: March 13, 2025 13:00
The post Pills: Can We Get Some? Weâre Really Hurting Right Now appeared first on The Onion.
Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov Cocktails
https://theonion.com/tesla-dealerships-attacked-with-molotov-cocktails/
Published: March 12, 2025 17:22
Tesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over what protesters believe is Elon Muskâs overreach in government. What do you think? The post Tesla Dealerships Attacked With Molotov CocktailsâŚ
Hospitalized Toddler To Spend Rest Of Life Associating Mickey Mouse With Physical Pain
Published: March 12, 2025 13:00
BATON ROUGE, LAâAs a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that theâŚ
Only Good-Looking Person In Office Mingles With Hideous Coworkers Like Missionary Among Lepers
Published: March 12, 2025 13:00
CHICAGOâShowing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary amongâŚ
Prospective Car Buyer Takes SUV Out For Test Hit And Run
https://theonion.com/prospective-car-buyer-takes-suv-out-for-test-hit-and-run/
Published: March 12, 2025 13:00
PHILADELPHIAâSaying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. âI took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly thisâŚ
Local Teen Invents Masturbation
https://theonion.com/local-teen-invents-masturbation/
Published: March 11, 2025 17:17
The post Local Teen Invents Masturbation appeared first on The Onion.
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
https://theonion.com/elon-musk-creates-federal-employee-revenge-porn-database/
Published: March 11, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâPromising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. âFederal employees have been lazy and unmotivatedâŚ
Taylor Swift Spends Evening Editing Spreadsheet Ranking All Her Friendships
https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-spends-evening-editing-spreadsheet-ranking-all-her-friendships/
Published: March 11, 2025 13:00
BEVERLY HILLS, CAâIn an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. âHmm, I think SelenaâŚ
Report Finds Ticketmaster Controls 80% Of Nationâs Middle School Talent Shows
https://theonion.com/report-finds-ticketmaster-controls-80-of-nations-middle-school-talent-shows/
Published: March 11, 2025 13:00
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CAâIn a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giantâs alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of Americaâs middle school talent shows. âTicketmasterâŚ
Nation Uses Extra Hour Of Daylight To Sun Perineums Even Harder
https://theonion.com/nation-uses-extra-hour-of-daylight-to-sun-perineums-even-harder/
Published: March 10, 2025 18:52
CLEVELANDâExcitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. âIf you thought I wasâŚ
Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression
https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/
Published: March 10, 2025 18:08
WASHINGTONâWarning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic âperiod of transition,â President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. âLook, what weâreâŚ
DHS Begins National Registry Of Duolingo Users
https://theonion.com/dhs-begins-national-registry-of-duolingo-users/
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
WASHINGTONâWarning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the countryâs safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. âFor unknownâŚ
U.S. Loses A Fifth Of Its Butterflies In 2 Decades
https://theonion.com/u-s-loses-a-fifth-of-its-butterflies-in-2-decades/
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
A study published in the journal Science found that butterflies are vanishing from U.S. landscapes at an alarming rate, with 22% disappearing between 2000 and 2020. What do you think? The post U.S. Loses A Fifth Of Its Butterflies In 2 Decades appearedâŚ
Report: Fun Aunt Has To Go Away For A While
https://theonion.com/report-fun-aunt-has-to-go-away-for-a-while/
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
WICHITA, KSâUrging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. âAunt Penny loves you very much, but she made a mistake andâŚ
Trumpâs North American Tariffs: Myth Vs. Fact
https://theonion.com/trumps-north-american-tariffs-myth-vs-fact/
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
President Trumpâs plans for tariffs, including on goods from Canada and Mexico, have left many consumers and investors uneasy. The Onion separates the facts from the myths. MYTH: Tariffs will revitalize the American auto industry. FACT: Only the secondâŚ
Fried Days (and Nights)
https://theonion.com/fried-days-and-nights/
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
The post Fried Days (and Nights) appeared first on The Onion.
Noom Weight Loss Quiz Guarantees Personalized Insults Tailored To Usersâ Insecurities
Published: March 10, 2025 13:00
NEW YORKâIn a continued effort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the companyâs weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to usersâ insecurities. âThereâs noâŚ
FBI, Justice Department Buildings Briefly Listed For Sale
https://theonion.com/fbi-justice-department-buildings-briefly-listed-for-sale/
Published: March 8, 2025 14:00
The Trump administration briefly listed over 440 federal buildings for sale online before suddenly removing the document, which included major properties like the FBI and Justice Department headquarters. What do you think? The post FBI, Justice DepartmentâŚ
Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test
https://theonion.com/immigrant-criticizes-swimsuit-competition-portion-of-u-s-citizenship-test/
Published: March 7, 2025 18:53
The post Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test appeared first on The Onion.