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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 14
Followers: 205
Carney government promises upcoming “Operation Strike Destroyer” legislation won’t discourage future strikes
Published: September 18, 2026 23:12
OTTAWA — After multiple labour sources warned that the Federal government would likely be issuing binding mediation legislation as early as next week, Mark Carney personally assured Canadians that even though the legislation was named “Operation Strike…
Trump says Canada having more friends is bullying
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/trump-says-canada-having-more-friends-is-bullying/
Published: September 18, 2026 01:51
WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent proposed alliance up to the European Union, insisting the new partnership is tantamount to picking on him personally. “It’s really not cool for Canada to go around bragging…
Ed Sheeran welcomes new opening act: Beatboxing Netanyahu
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/ed-sheeran-welcomes-new-opening-act-beatboxing-netanyahu/
Published: September 17, 2026 21:50
LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as scheduled, with Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doing a…
EU asks Canada to join in hopes they take some stuff Britain left at their office
Published: September 17, 2026 17:22
BRUSSELS – A recent statement by the European Union has clarified that the bloc’s main interest in Canada becoming an Associate Member is to get them to take away some of the junk the United Kingdom forgot at their headquarters. “Canads is a growing nation…
Habs fans forced to replace burning effigy of Chris Kreider with regular effigy
Published: September 15, 2026 18:23
Montreal, QC – In a surprising show of good faith, Montreal Canadiens fans removed their long-standing burning effigy of NHL forward Chris Kreider after it was announced that he would be joining the team on a one-year contract. Kreider, 35, has been…
Canada Investment Summit attendees enter raffle to win PEI
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/canada-investment-summit-attendees-enter-raffle-to-win-pei/
Published: September 15, 2026 16:54
TORONTO – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, in which executives and global asset managers have gathered to discuss investing hundreds of trillions into Canada’s economy, reportedly kicked off with a ticketed raffle to take home Prince…
Tech oligarchs agree calling AI “too dangerous” way cooler than just admitting it doesn’t work
Published: September 14, 2026 15:04
SILICON VALLEY – The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence “could potentially kill all humans” sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified…
Desperate Poilievre announces “Fuck A Fan” contest
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/desperate-poilievre-announces-fuck-a-fan-contest/
Published: September 13, 2026 22:38
OTTAWA – With his Conservative Party trailing the governing Liberals by double digits in recent opinion polling, a desperate Pierre Poilievre today announced his latest plan to boost his popularity: a ‘Fuck a Fan’ contest. After losing last year’s federal…
Trump notes that falling asleep onstage at 9/11 ceremony technically counts as moment of silence
Published: September 11, 2026 16:01
ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA – Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning nap constituted a moment of silent reflection. “Sure, I may have…
Trump reminisces about how he single-handedly prevented 9/11 from ever happening
Published: September 10, 2026 20:19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump waxed nostalgic about how he single-handedly prevented the September 11 terrorist attacks from ever happening. Trump told a group of supporters that, if it weren’t for his heroic actions — simultaneously carried…
Local woman betrays family history by eating at different chain restaurant
Published: September 8, 2026 23:05
Moncton, NB – A local family says they are looking for answers after their mother openly chose to eat at a different rotisserie chicken chain. Trudy Daly, 45 and mother of three, is accused of betraying the family’s trust by engaging with a restaurant not…
Counter-Tariffs take effect as Canadians brace for life without American truck nutz
Published: September 8, 2026 21:45
OTTAWA – With anti-American counter-tariffs taking effect as of September 8th, Canadians will be forced to make due without easy market access to their most-purchased American products, namely chrome balls to hang from the rear of one’s pickup truck. Prime…
Canada confirms defence strategy against invasion mainly waiting for Americans to die from preventable illnesses
Published: September 5, 2026 16:11
OTTAWA – Last weekend, Canada’s Ministry of National Defence confirmed their main strategy to fend off a potential invasion from the United States is to wait for American forces to be killed off by the many preventable diseases currently plaguing the…
Hilroy to remove additional province from map of Canada every year until demands met
Published: September 3, 2026 22:13
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident. “You want your precious…