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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 10
Followers: 204
Canada confirms defence strategy against invasion mainly waiting for Americans to die from preventable illnesses
Published: September 5, 2026 16:11
OTTAWA – Last weekend, Canada’s Ministry of National Defence confirmed their main strategy to fend off a potential invasion from the United States is to wait for American forces to be killed off by the many preventable diseases currently plaguing the…
Hilroy to remove additional province from map of Canada every year until demands met
Published: September 3, 2026 22:13
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident. “You want your precious…
Hegseth pauses busy schedule of inspecting soldiers’ scrotums to make weird comments about Canadian teens’ bodies
Published: September 3, 2026 15:22
WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their…
Come from Away sequel will see Newfoundlanders put the friggin’ boots to Pete Hoekstra
Published: September 2, 2026 19:58
GANDER, NFLD – Controversial U.S. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra’s announcement that he will head to Newfoundland as part of the delegation commemorating the 25th anniversary of 9/11 has inspired a sequel to the hit broadway musical “Come from Away” about his…
Conservatives vow to get rid of Poilievre as soon as voters send some kind of sign they don’t like him
Published: September 2, 2026 17:21
OTTAWA – Conservative members and officials are sticking by leader Pierre Poilievre for now, insisting they will only vote to remove him if the voters give indication they don’t like him. “I’ve had my doubts about Pierre’s electability” said MP Clancy…
Landlord reminds tenant that Broken A/C builds resilience
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/landlord-reminds-tenant-that-broken-a-c-builds-resilience/
Published: September 1, 2026 22:15
Hamilton, ON – As rolling blackouts leave entire neighbourhoods sweating in the dark, local landlord Gary Feltch has reassured his tenant that the air conditioning unit he has failed to repair for eight weeks is a “character-building opportunity” she…
Overconfident Carney vows to win 3 more U.S. midterm races after Liberal by-election sweep
Published: September 1, 2026 13:30
OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novembers U.S. midterm elections. “Beaches-East York! North…
Man with 500 day Duolingo streak surprised real Spanish conversations not multiple choice
Published: August 31, 2026 19:41
COSTA RICA – A Vancouver man boasting a 500-day Duolingo streak was stunned to discover during a recent vacation that conversations with real Spanish speakers are not, in fact, multiple choice. The man in question, 34-year-old Tyler Miller, said he…
Google Maps changes name to Lake America after people start to forget tech giants also pretty awful
Published: August 31, 2026 13:51
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Maps has changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” for their U.S. users, after realizing President Trump’s willful malevolence had distracted the public from how terrible tech giants are, namely Google. Following an…
Canada’s nerds demand state funeral for Montreal-born voice of Optimus Prime
Published: August 27, 2026 23:43
OTTAWA – Following news of the passing of Montreal-born actor Peter Cullen, best known as the voice of Optimus Prime, nerds across Canada are demanding Ottawa hold a state funeral for the late performer. “Optimus Prime taught me to be a better person,”…