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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
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Posts: 16
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Meet the Canadian civil servant responsible for sending our wildfire smoke to the U.S.
Published: July 17, 2026 16:17
With wildfire smoke drifting down from Canada into Michigan, New York and other states, numerous Americans have once again taken to social media to complain about Canada ruining their summers and “sending” our smoke to them. And they’re right. So we at The…
U.S. Treasury unveils its Loony coin design
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/u-s-treasury-unveils-its-loony-coin-design/
Published: July 17, 2026 15:09
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The US Treasury Department has unveiled its own unique one dollar coin, officially nicknamed the “Loony.” Unlike Canada’s Loonie, which features a calming image of the mid-size aquatic bird floating in a peaceful northern lake, the U.S.…
Doug Ford vows to fight wildfires by building as many new spas as necessary
Published: July 17, 2026 00:41
QUEEN’S PARK – As thick smoke blankets Ontario skies, Premier Doug Ford has declared that he will divert public funds to as many private spa facilities as it takes to douse the raging wildfires. “Folks, this smoke situation is so bad that I nearly cut…
Nova Scotians respond to European-style austerity with European-style protest
Published: July 16, 2026 16:29
WOLFVILLE, NS – Police were summoned to Acadia University on Wednesday afternoon, after demonstrators voicing displeasure with Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston’s European-style austerity measures opted for European-style protest measures, surrounding and…
Toronto air quality plummets to 1990s bingo hall levels
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/toronto-air-quality-plummets-to-1990s-bingo-hall-levels/
Published: July 16, 2026 01:57
TORONTO — Environment Canada has warned that wildfire smoke drifting from Northwestern Ontario has reduced Toronto’s air quality to 1990s bingo hall levels. Elderly Toronto bingo players were among the first to raise the alarm. “The air this morning was a…
“I would never have agreed to be a diplomat in Canada if I knew I’d have to be diplomatic to Canadians,” says Pete Hoekstra
Published: July 14, 2026 22:08
OTTAWA – Tensions between Canada and the United States flared this week when US Ambassador Pete Hoekstra was captured on a live microphone admitting that he regretted his decision to accept a diplomatic post in Canada, citing his lack of interest in being…
Trump National Park to feature hundreds of anti-woke plants and animals
Published: July 14, 2026 15:37
WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump is receiving praise from his supporters after announcing last week that the upcoming Trump National Park will be home to over one hundred different flora and fauna, all of which support his party’s anti-woke…
Carney insists he won negotiations to finally open TrumpCoin International Bridge
Published: July 13, 2026 16:47
OTTAWA – Mark Carney is declaring victory after he was able to work out a deal to finally open the TrumpCoin International Bridge, sponsored by Trumpstore.com “Canadians have been waiting for the chance to cross the TrumpCoin International Bridge ever…
Canadian home prices drop to 2018 levels of unaffordability
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/canadian-home-prices-drop-to-2018-levels-of-unaffordability/
Published: July 13, 2026 14:25
OTTAWA – Due to turbulent international markets, as well as a condo market in free fall, real estate prices across Canada have dropped to where they were in 2018 when it was already completely impossible to purchase a home. “For young Canadians looking to…
Republicans transfer Lindsey Graham’s remaining life force to Mitch McConnell
Published: July 13, 2026 00:36
WASHINGTON D.C. – Under the terms of the contract signed ten years ago, President Trump ordered his longtime ally Lindsay Graham to undertake the sacred ritual of transferring his life’s essence to fellow Senator Mitch McConnell. Sources report this will…
Cackling publisher translates all of book except title
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/cackling-publisher-translates-all-of-book-except-title/
Published: July 12, 2026 23:01
A SECRET SUBTERRANEAN LAIR IN AN UNSPECIFIED PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE OFFICE ― Stifling maniacal shouts of dastardly glee and stroking a white cat on his lap, editor Iago Heep sent the final copy to print of a newly translated Penguin Classics edition of the…
Mark Carney asks climate to stop changing until Alberta quits bugging him
Published: July 11, 2026 18:58
“Just give us a few years and I’m sure Albertans will calm down.” (Clare Blackwood and Ian MacIntyre) talk about Danielle Smith getting not one but two pipelines, Carney saying we don’t have time for the environment in the middle of a massive heat wave,…
U.S. “We demand Canada stop this alcohol boycott that isn’t working and also we don’t even care”
Published: July 11, 2026 15:54
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. lawmakers are demanding several Canada provinces not only stock their spirits again, but also formally acknowledge that the anti-tariff boycott wasn’t working at all and that the Americans were “not even a little bit angry over it…
Graham Platner suspends senate campaign after running out of red flags
Published: July 9, 2026 15:27
SULLIVAN, MAINE – U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner has announced that he is suspending his campaign after running out of glaring warning signs that he is unfit for public office. “In the light of these latest shameful revelations, I am ending my…
PlayStation customers announce removal of physical bodies from stores
Published: July 8, 2026 23:23
NEW YORK – PlayStation customers are facing backlash after announcing their decision to stop physically appearing to purchase Sony products. “Our customers really screwed the pooch on this one,” said Hideaki Nishino, CEO of PlayStation. “They think after…
Blurred Zoom background fails to conceal that coworker is in jail
Published: July 8, 2026 19:42
TORONTO – Employees at a local software firm were surprised yesterday when one of their colleagues attempted to use Zoom’s “blur my background” feature to hide the fact he is currently incarcerated. Staffers reported that something seemed off from the…