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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 13
Followers: 171
Local man willing to overlook the military-industrial complex for two hours to enjoy Top Gun
Published: June 17, 2026 22:15
OWEN SOUND – In an age where the concept of the guilty pleasure currently reigns supreme, just how far is the average citizen willing to go with that guilt? This week, an exclusive interview with a Canadian man who cherishes the two hours a year he can…
“I miss my ex” says woman who misses ex’s cat
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/i-miss-my-ex-says-woman-who-misses-exs-cat/
Published: June 17, 2026 20:34
MEDICINE HAT, AB – A local woman who claims to miss her ex-boyfriend really just misses her ex’s pet cat. “He was always so warm and affectionate, you know?” said Isabelle Lang, staring wistfully at a framed picture of her ex-boyfriend Justin that…
Trump successfully diverted to inflatable decoy G7
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/trump-successfully-diverted-to-inflatable-decoy-g7/
Published: June 17, 2026 18:40
ÉVIAN, FRANCE – The 2026 G7 summit has thus far yielded successful talks between the world’s top leaders, largely due to US President Donald Trump being tricked early on into joining a decoy summit constructed entirely of inflatable set pieces. “We felt…
Trump insists it’s very normal for the winners of wars to pay billions to the losers
Published: June 15, 2026 19:05
WASHINGTON D.C. – As details leak of the Iran-US peace plan, including a rumoured $300 billion reparations payment from the US to the Iranian regime, President Donald Trump was quick to reassure supporters that this by no means indicates that the US lost…
Upper Middle Class redefined as being able to watch YouTube without ads
Published: June 15, 2026 14:22
NATIONWIDE – A recent study of Canadian living standards has found that the modern-day equivalent of being in the lower end of the upper social classes is spending money on a monthly YouTube Premium account. “When we interviewed households across the…
Vance, Rubio compete in White House UFC undercard
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/vance-rubio-compete-in-white-house-ufc-undercard/
Published: June 14, 2026 23:55
WASHINGTON D.C. – As part of the UFC Freedom 250 match, President Donald J. Trump’s demanded an 80th birthday present to himself which saw Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio compete in mixed martial arts combat for the crowd’s…
Laval Tim Hortons shockingly awarded three Michelin stars for flatbread pizza
Published: June 14, 2026 21:27
Laval, QC – Michelin announced today that it is awarding three stars to a Tim Hortons in Laval for the “culinary divinity that is their flatbread pizza”. The guide has surprisingly few words for the dish considering that they have awarded the restaurant…
Guys who get punched in the head for a living worried about Trump’s cognitive state
Published: June 14, 2026 15:21
WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the White House hosts an Ultimate Fighting Championship event on its South Lawn, several competitors who are paid to issue and receive concussions expressed concern about President Trump’s mental faculties. “The President said ‘Thank…
Carney announces plan to privatize airports but still give them half a billion dollars once in a while
Published: June 13, 2026 16:05
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced a funding model which would see Canada’s federally-owned and operated airports become 100% privately owned, but still get half a billion dollars of taxpayer money from time to time whenever they feel like…
WORLD CUP: Canada ties with Bosnia-Herzegovina, reignites WWI
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/world-cup-canada-ties-with-bosnia-herzegovina-reignites-wwi/
Published: June 12, 2026 20:58
TORONTO – Canada’s 1-1 World Cup tie with Bosnia-Herzegovina has officially reignited World War One, forcing Canadians to rejoin the Allied forces. Canada’s inability to defeat the visiting Bosnia-Herzegovina team has forced the world’s nations to enter…
Carney bans social media for kids too dumb to figure out VPNs
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/carney-bans-social-media-for-kids-too-dumb-to-figure-out-vpns/
Published: June 12, 2026 14:25
“There’s no way a 15 year old who has been online for his entire life knows about those is there?” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and special guest John Batt of @canada.gov.ca) talk about how banning social media for kids is way easier than regulating…
New Brunswick opens Stargate at border for quicker access to PEI
Published: June 9, 2026 23:01
Edmunston, NB – New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt says newly discovered alien teleportation technology is ending the province’s reputation as a place to just drive through on the way to other, better tourist destinations. At a news conference in Edmundston…
Poilievre campaigns on a united Canada: “Please don’t make me find yet another riding”
Published: June 9, 2026 16:18
CALGARY – Speaking to a crowd of supporters, Pierre Poilievre urged Albertans to vote to stay part of Canada, partly for national unity, and mostly because he doesn’t want to have to find a third federal riding to run in, in just under 2 years. “As we…