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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 11
Followers: 181
Graham Platner suspends senate campaign after running out of red flags
Published: July 9, 2026 15:27
SULLIVAN, MAINE – U.S. Senate candidate Graham Platner has announced that he is suspending his campaign after running out of glaring warning signs that he is unfit for public office. “In the light of these latest shameful revelations, I am ending my…
PlayStation customers announce removal of physical bodies from stores
Published: July 8, 2026 23:23
NEW YORK – PlayStation customers are facing backlash after announcing their decision to stop physically appearing to purchase Sony products. “Our customers really screwed the pooch on this one,” said Hideaki Nishino, CEO of PlayStation. “They think after…
Blurred Zoom background fails to conceal that coworker is in jail
Published: July 8, 2026 19:42
TORONTO – Employees at a local software firm were surprised yesterday when one of their colleagues attempted to use Zoom’s “blur my background” feature to hide the fact he is currently incarcerated. Staffers reported that something seemed off from the…
Poilievre vows to “fight woke culture” following new galactic disco cowboy makeover
Published: July 7, 2026 14:05
CALGARY – Addressing a rally of Conservative voters at the Calgary Stampede, Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre has vowed to “reinstill a warrior culture, not a woke culture”, thanks to his latest complete style makeover. “My friends, I am here to lead you…
Trump declares 100% tariff on waffles
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/trump-declares-100-tariff-on-waffles/
Published: July 7, 2026 13:12
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Belgium defeating the United States team 4-1 to knock them out of the World Cup, U.S. President Trump has declared a 100% tariff on all waffle imports. “This decision is totally unfair, just because the Belgian team was better and…
Male Loneliness Crisis temporarily solved by World Cup
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/male-loneliness-crisis-temporarily-solved-by-world-cup/
Published: July 6, 2026 15:07
NORTH AMERICA – The much-discussed epidemic of male loneliness has reportedly been resolved, for just the duration of the 2026 FIFA World Cup. Across North America, the feelings of widespread social isolation and societal despair that have been reported…
Nova Scotia to rebrand as “Newer Brunswick”
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/07/nova-scotia-to-rebrand-as-newer-brunswick/
Published: July 5, 2026 22:47
HALIFAX – In a surprise move, the province of Nova Scotia has announced that it will be undergoing a complete rebranding and officially changing its name to “Newer Brunswick” as early as next spring. “The name ‘Nova Scotia’ is Latin for ‘New Scotland’,…
Mark Carney promises to take climate change seriously once every other problem on Earth is solved
Published: July 4, 2026 19:26
OTTAWA – After receiving criticism this week for abandoning the Trudeau-era climate plan, Prime Minister Mark Carney has assured Canadians worried about the already deadly effects of global warming that he will start taking the dangers it poses seriously,…
Officials announce new AI Data Centres to calculate why heat dome happening
Published: July 4, 2026 15:16
OTTAWA – With much of Canada and the United States gripped by an unseasonal heat wave, federal officials have announced construction of new natural-gas-intensive data centres, aimed at using artificial intelligence to solve the mystery of the high…
Editorial: The Human Rights Museum’s Nakba exhibit ignores the important context that I don’t want to hear about it
Published: July 3, 2026 19:17
By: Martin Olsen The Canadian Museum Of Human Rights’ exhibit on the so-called ‘Nakba’ opened this week to widespread condemnation. And now that I have also not seen it, I would like to add my own thoughts on why the display is such an atrocity. The…
Premier Eby shifts B.C. stance from ‘pipeline bad’ to ‘pipeline bad but money’
Published: July 3, 2026 19:12
VANCOUVER – During an announcement with Prime Minister Carney, British Columbia Premier David Eby clarified that his province’s previous anti-pipeline stance has been amended to still be anti-pipeline, but okay with money. “For decades, British Columbians…