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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
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Posts: 14
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Carney assures Canadians that AI the fastest way to give all our money to US billionaires
Published: June 6, 2026 18:39
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark has unveiled his new federal AI strategy, promising Canadians that artificial intelligence technology is the most advanced, efficient way to surrender all of our collective wealth to US Tech oligarchs. “AI is the technology of…
Everything Canadian that Albertans will be able to keep after separating, according to Alberta Separatists
Published: June 6, 2026 15:24
Albertan separatists insist that leaving Canada won’t exclude them from keeping some residual benefits of being Canadian. Here is the list they propose: 1. passports 2. currency 3. smugness 4. those little flags we put on backpacks when we travel so people…
FIFA forbids Canadian fans from bringing water inside own bodies into World Cup matches
Published: June 5, 2026 21:45
TORONTO – A last minute rule change by FIFA means World Cup fans will no longer be able to bring the moisture inside their own bodies into host stadiums for the tournament. The latest FIFA rules document now states “for the avoidance of doubt, the 60% of…
Huge dock spider already looking forward to scurrying over your hand this summer
Published: June 5, 2026 16:36
MUSKOKA, ON – A full-grown dock spider is counting the days until it gets to scurry across your unsuspecting hand, later this summer. Zoology experts report that you will likely emit a piercing shriek and flail about like an idiot, likely spilling whatever…
Nation’s sports franchises mark Pride Month with the annual closing of the comment section
Published: June 4, 2026 20:22
TORONTO – In what has become an annual tradition in community outreach, sports teams across Canada are marking June as Pride Month by adding rainbow logos to their profile pictures, releasing an official statement, and closing all comments on Facebook.…
Netflix says CanCon rules will force them to raise prices that they already raised and plan to raise more
Published: June 4, 2026 18:33
SILICON VALLEY, CA – Streaming giant Netflix has fired back at a CRTC report recommending they increase their contributions to Canadian media, insisting this would force them to raise prices on Canadian consumers which they recently raised and were already…
Loud racism narrowly defeats quiet racism in B.C. Conservative leadership race
Published: June 3, 2026 19:21
CAMPBELL RIVER, B.C. – Overt racist speech has narrowly won out over the more traditional dogwhistle racist messaging this past Sunday, with “Loud Racism” officially becoming the new leader of the B.C. Conservative Party. Voting in the leadership election…
Study finds jogging for just 30 minutes a day can add 30 minutes of stress to your life
Published: June 2, 2026 22:45
Cambridge, MA – A new study from Harvard science has indicated that individuals who engage in just 30 minutes of jogging a day add 30 minutes more of stress into their day against those who do not. “Our recent forays into light exercise have really changed…
Report: Carney’s plan to protect Canada from US aggression to relocate entire country to Europe
Published: June 1, 2026 15:16
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has reportedly settled on a last-ditch initiative to keep Canada safe from American instability: physically moving the entire nation to the continent of Europe. “The principal reason for Canada’s inextricable ties to the…
New Canadian Content laws specify 55% of pop stars dated by former Prime Ministers must be Canadian
Published: May 31, 2026 22:39
OTTAWA – A recent amendment to Canadian content laws has set a minimum quota for the celebrity partners of former Canadian Prime Ministers, requiring at least 55% of pop stars dated by retired PMs to be Canadian. “We originally planned to set a minimum…
“We see a future where intelligence is a utility, and people buy it from us” says Sam Altman from skull-shaped volcano lair
Published: May 31, 2026 18:35
EVIL LAIR, SOUTH PACIFIC – OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has suggested that intelligence could someday be treated as a utility, with people paying him directly to access materials stolen from them en masse, all from a subterranean lair shaped like a skull. “At…
B4-4, Sugar Jones, Serial Joe announce withdrawal from Trump’s Freedom 250 Celebration
Published: May 29, 2026 22:54
WASHINGTON D.C. – After facing cancellations from numerous d-list musicians, organizers of the Trump-aligned Freedom 250 Celebration have reportedly also seen withdrawals from similarly obscure Canadian one hit wonders. Reports indicate that cancellations…
Loblaws bread-fixing settlement worth approximately 1/3 of grocery trip
Published: May 29, 2026 17:43
TORONTO – Loblaws is “stepping up to the cost of living plate” by offering a one-time court ordered payment worth approximately 33% of a typical grocery trip. “Everyday I hear Canadians tell me how hard it is to make ends meet,” said Galen Weston Jr, whose…
Carney to replace Steven Guilbeault’s seat with burning tailings pond
Published: May 28, 2026 13:55
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has absorbed the resignation from Parliament by climate activist Steven Guilbeault, immediately announcing that his seat would be replaced with a tar sands tailings pond that will be ceremonially set on fire. “While it…