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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
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Posts: 14
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Desperate Brad Bradford adds another Brad to his name
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/10/desperate-brad-bradford-adds-another-brad-to-his-name/
Published: October 7, 2026 23:38
TORONTO – Election day in Toronto is fast approaching, and polls continue to show Mayor Olivia Chow with a lead over challenger Brad Bradford. So, in a desperate effort to court the bland, middle-aged, white vote, Bradford is quadrupling down. “My…
Polymarket offering bets on next produce that gives everyone diarrhea
Published: October 7, 2026 17:52
NEW YORK – With a recall issued for Taylor Farms lettuce in the wake of a cyclospora outbreak, several new betting lines have opened up in the online predictions market Polymarket as to which line of contaminated produce will be the next to evade health…
Parti Québécois finally finds minority it likes
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/10/parti-quebecois-finally-finds-minority-it-likes/
Published: October 6, 2026 13:18
QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier-designate Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says he’ll be updating his list of problem minorities after networks declared The Parti Québécois will form government with the support of at least one of the other opposition parties. “When…
Trump admin demands Canada not meddle in midterms so they can meddle in separatist referendums
Published: October 5, 2026 14:38
WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump Administration trade advisor Peter Navarro is accusing Canada of interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, unfairly distracting from American efforts to interfere in Alberta and Quebec separatist efforts. “It’s utterly…
Poilievre team divided over when to drop Mark Carney diss track
Published: October 5, 2026 01:00
OTTAWA — Pierre Poilievre’s inner circle is at loggerheads over when to release his diss track targeting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Titled “Miss the Mark,” Poilievre said that the track, while pointed, is never profane. “Don’t worry, parents. There’s no…
Trump administration eagerly looking for third trade route to completely fuck up
Published: October 4, 2026 23:08
Panama Canal, NY – The Trump administration has begun a international search for another large trade route to completely fuck up after successfully fucking up both the strait of Hormuz and Gordie Howe bridge. “There’s just too many routes operating…
Rogers completes takeover of everything son talks to local dad about
Published: October 3, 2026 17:43
TORONTO – Rogers Communications has announced that with the purchase of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment and all its professional sports teams, the telecom giant has also taken full ownership of everything Ross Meyer, 33, and his father are capable of…
Carney announces $1.2B investment to protect oceans from his own climate policy
Published: October 2, 2026 16:30
VANCOUVER – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced more than one billion dollars in federal funding to keep the ocean safe from the consequences of his own actions. “As an Oxford-trained economist, you can trust me when I say $1.2 billion is a lot of…
Trump becomes only object on Earth exempt from Canadian urge to apologize
Published: October 1, 2026 15:54
CANADA – After beginning a trade war with Canada over its refusal to join the United States, Donald Trump this week said he expects Canada to come to him and say “sir, we are sorry,” for the breakdown of trade talks. Apology experts say that would be an…
University assigns Cornell 7 to get ChatGPT to write their essays
Published: September 30, 2026 20:59
ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to make ChatGPT generate their essays. “We really want this emotionless plagiarizer machine to…
Child’s imaginary restaurant acquired, shuttered by private equity
Published: September 29, 2026 16:28
BRANDON, MB – 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer’s imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being acquired by Hedgestone Holdings Ltd. “Mikaela’s Restaurant”, known for its…
Alberta Separatists unveil development slogan: “Come invest in our unstable breakaway republic!”
Published: September 28, 2026 14:03
CALGARY – With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a country. In the wake of Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada…
Marvel fan can’t believe you’re watching Avengers: Doomsday before catching up on Loki, Plantman and Thornboy, or Hawkeye’s Son
Published: September 27, 2026 22:46
Disney Plus, CA – A local night out has soured after Marvel fan Dan Lee has found out you plan to watch Avengers: Doomsday without first consuming 16,000 hours of marvel content. “You wouldn’t watch Godfather 2 without seeing the first Godfather,”…
David Eby losing election to TBD
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/09/david-eby-losing-election-to-tbd/
Published: September 26, 2026 16:11
VICTORIA, BC – After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a later date. “I figured it was a slam dunk,” said a baffled…