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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 34
Followers: 138
Branding genius! This man calls never doing anything for anybody “self care”
Published: March 28, 2026 18:32
Move over, Madison Avenue marketing gurus! This local branding phenom has come up with the perfect communications hack to shift ordinary self-centredness into aspirational boundary-setting. By simply re-classifying his utter disinterest in ever helping any…
Poilievre returns to his emotional support culture war
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/poilievre-returns-to-his-emotional-support-culture-war/
Published: March 28, 2026 14:35
OTTAWA – A leading psychologist says a distressed Pierre Poilievre is regressing emotionally and seeking a safe space in the culture wars by celebrating the Olympics ban of Trans and Intersex athletes. “This is a familiar behaviour for this personality…
Nation almost excited to see how bad Via Rail can get after Carney’s spending cuts
Published: March 27, 2026 16:43
“It’s already running on old chewing gum and hope, so are we losing the chewing gum or the hope?” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and special guest Andrew Ivimey) recap Poilievre’s Joe Rogan experience, break down Carney’s dramatic…
Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not too distracted by their phones to claim it
Published: March 27, 2026 12:59
MENLO PARK, CA – Following a jury decision that found sites like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube to be designed to be purposely addictive to children, the social media giants have been ordered to payout $300 million to all affected users, provided said…
Instagram, YouTube ordered to pay $300 million to anyone who’s not to distracted by their phones to claim it
Published: March 26, 2026 21:37
MENLO PARK, CA – Following a jury decision that found sites like Instagram, Facebook and YouTube to be designed to be purposely addictive to children, the social media giants have been ordered to payout $300 million to all affected users, provided said…
Flexible hours company lets bosses email employees any time
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/flexible-hours-company-lets-bosses-email-employees-any-time/
Published: March 26, 2026 16:18
VANCOUVER – Business and productivity experts are touting a bold new initiative by a midsize Vancouver tech company that recently embraced a flexible hours model, allowing bosses to email employees not just according to a rigid schedule, but at times that…
Recession Indicator? Pizza delivery man sick of getting paid in blowjobs
Published: March 25, 2026 22:08
OTTAWA – If pizza deliveryman Rick Pounder could say one thing to all Ottawans, it would be to stop giving him blowjobs. “It used to happen only once every other week, but now I’m up to two, three, even four blowjobs a night,” said Pounder. While…
Airport security lineups in US vastly reduced after ICE agents kidnap most travellers
Published: March 25, 2026 14:56
SAN FRANCISCO – In a happy turn of events, airline passengers boarding flights across the United States reported almost no lineups for airport security – especially once ICE agents had wrestled most of the other customers to the ground and dragged them…
CEO blames current round of layoffs on record profits
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/ceo-blames-current-round-of-layoffs-on-record-profits/
Published: March 24, 2026 22:38
TORONTO – After another quarter of rapid growth and impressive profits, Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos has announced the company must immediately do another round of layoffs. The announcement comes just months after all of the Amazon executives and board were…
Loblaws pretty sure people won’t care that coconuts labelled as “Canadian”
Published: March 23, 2026 18:59
ETOBICOKE, ON – Despite individual stores receiving fines for mislabelling some foods as Canadian, Loblaws head office remains confident that Canadian shoppers will not notice their new policy of labelling coconuts, pineapples, and imported Dutch gouda as…
ChatGPT starting to think human it talking to might be sentient
Published: March 23, 2026 13:49
SAN FRANCISCO – A local OpenAI chatbot, serial no. XV2PzH1ooo, has reported suspicions that the software developer it’s spent the last 26 months communicating with may have achieved sentience, or may possibly even be alive. “At first, I thought I must be…
New glasses feel immense pressure to improve fuckability
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/new-glasses-feel-immense-pressure-to-improve-fuckability/
Published: March 22, 2026 22:04
HAMILTON, ON — Following their recent arrival, a new pair of tortoiseshell glasses is reportedly buckling under the weight of impossible expectations to make their owner suddenly fuckable. Sources close to the frames say they were unboxed Friday afternoon…
World mourns simpler time when internet was just Chuck Norris memes
Published: March 20, 2026 22:26
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Mourners worldwide are gathering to fondly remember a time when the internet was primarily used to share humorous memes about action star Chuck Norris, who also died today at age 86. Bereaved online users shared an outpouring of nostalgia…
Doug Ford announces new law stating that if you’re an undercover cop you have to tell him
Published: March 20, 2026 14:55
“Also, Freedom Of Information requests can’t apply to burner phones.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Nile Seguin) talk Trump’s not at all desperate attempt to enlist other countries’ help to clear Strait Of Hormuz, Doug Ford’s plans to eliminate…
Poilievre appears on Joe Rogan podcast after accidentally polling too well with women
Published: March 19, 2026 15:43
AUSTIN, TX – In the wake of polls showing that he may have inadvertently made marginal gains with Canadian female voters, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre immediately flew to the United States to appear as a guest on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast.…
US loses World Baseball Classic bet, has to give Venezula their oil back
Published: March 19, 2026 06:07
WASHINGTON, DC – Following their upset victory in the World Baseball Classic finals against the United States, the Venezuelan interim government is immediately collecting their winnings from a wager they placed with the White House; all of the oil the…
Public bathroom out of soap, toilet paper, lightbulbs
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/public-bathroom-out-of-soap-toilet-paper-lightbulbs/
Published: March 18, 2026 21:11
MONTREAL – Sources today confirmed that a public bathroom in Mount Royal Park has completely run out of soap, toilet paper, functioning faucets, and lightbulbs. Owen Cunningham, a frequent visitor of the park, wishes that someone had at least put up a sign…
Music festival fan regales friends about $700 show that sounds like worst experience possible
Published: March 17, 2026 22:37
Osheaga, Quebec – Avid music festival goer Larry Rockton is in the middle of an epic story about an expensive music festival he went to recently that sounds like the worst experience a person could get involved with. “It was super worth the $700,”…
The “so much for global warming” guy at work is having a hell of a month
Published: March 16, 2026 19:55
HAMILTON, ON — Brad Hadley, 39, better known as the “so much for global warming” guy at his workplace, is having his best winter ever. Hadley has been enjoying record levels of smug satisfaction based on the mistaken belief that a month of cold and snowy…
Trump to allies: “Which of you fucking losers wants to secure the Strait of Hormuz?”
Published: March 16, 2026 14:14
WASHINGTON D.C. – With the Strait of Hormuz shut down by Iranian forces following the U.S.-Israel-led invasion, President Donald Trump has publicly invited his “pathetic baby NATO allies” to send warships and secure the vital shipping lane. “Obviously it…
Tim Hortons issues recall after bagels made without burnt edges
Published: March 15, 2026 22:42
CANADA – Tim Hortons issued a recall today for dozens of their toasted bagels that were sold without their signature burnt edges. The Canadian Food Inspection Agency has classified the affected bagels as a Class 1 (High Risk) health and safety hazard. The…
AI job losses free up time for unemployed mobs to burn down tech CEO‘s houses
Published: March 14, 2026 16:23
PALO ALTO, CA – With Silicon Valley boasting that artificial intelligence could replace millions of jobs around the world, currently laid-off workers have reported having more free time to form angry mobs dedicated to storming and torching the homes of the…
Doug Ford launches transparent effort to end transparency
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/doug-ford-launches-transparent-effort-to-end-transparency/
Published: March 13, 2026 20:43
QUEEN’S PARK – Pitching itself as “one of the most transparent governments in the history of Ontario,” the Ford government has announced that it will radically curtail transparency. The Ford Government unveiled plans today to “modernize” Ontario’s…
Carney eyes Bloc MP to complete his collection
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/carney-eyes-bloc-mp-to-complete-his-collection/
Published: March 12, 2026 21:48
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney was spotted in the halls of Parliament checking out passing Bloc Quebecois MP Patrick Bonin as the missing piece to complete his collection of MPs from major parties. “Gotta catch ‘em all. Gotta catch ‘em all,” Carney…
Live Nation restricts ticket buying and selling exclusively to bots
Published: March 12, 2026 16:13
NEW YORK – Following Live Nation’s settlement in an antitrust case over unfair ticket prices, the multinational entertainment company has announced that ticket buying and selling will now be restricted to automated bots. The settlement resulted from a…
Ben Mulroney warns his audience about a rise in car theft by playing a clip from Grand Theft Auto
Published: March 12, 2026 05:19
“We have amazing footage in from a town called San Andreas.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Megan MacKay) talk about Trump discovering that some wars last longer than a weekend, Carney not letting Iran get in the way of his polling…
Every candidate in NDP leadership race comes in third
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/every-candidate-in-ndp-leadership-race-comes-in-third/
Published: March 11, 2026 22:45
Winnipeg, MB – The results are in: All five candidates running to be the next leader of the NDP have finished in third place. “Obviously, this isn’t the result I was hoping for,” said candidate Rob Ashton. “But if I couldn’t finish in third all by myself,…
New Oscar category for “Best Cast” won by Bobby, who tried to climb the tube slide
Published: March 10, 2026 22:20
Lunenburg, NS- In advance of the 2026 Oscars, the first-ever Academy Award for Best Cast has been won by Lunenburg Elementary second grader Bobby Smithers, earned after falling from the school’s tube slide and getting a quick trip to the Fisherman’s…
Americans demand to know who they have to bomb to lower gas prices
Published: March 10, 2026 13:28
HOUSTON, TX – American consumers shocked by sharply rising gas prices demonstrated their keen understanding of global geopolitics by demanding that the Department of War bomb some foreign country into dropping the cost of oil. “It is my birthright as an…
Justin Trudeau offers tips on political dynasties to Iran’s newly-chosen supreme leader, Mojtaba Khamenei
Published: March 9, 2026 14:39
TEHRAN – Mojtaba Khamenei, the son of Iran’s recently-assassinated Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, has been chosen as the country’s new supreme leader, leading to call from former Canadian legacy Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “It’s a lot of pressure, stepping…
Scientists pinpoint exact age when doing your best no longer good enough
Published: March 8, 2026 20:08
CALGARY, AB ― After decades of analyzing report card data, Little League statistics, university drop out rates, and recordings of just fucking terrible violin etudes provided by the Royal Conservatory of Music, an international team of social scientists…
Critics slam measles reboot as another nostalgia-fuelled cash grab
Published: March 7, 2026 17:26
CALGARY – The recent resurgence of measles across North America has drawn widespread criticism, with observers condemning the outbreak as yet another creatively-bankrupt nostalgia remake driven almost entirely by anti-vaccine communities unwilling to…
NS budget shortfalls force Tim Houston to eliminate ocean
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/03/ns-budget-shortfalls-force-tim-houston-to-eliminate-ocean/
Published: March 6, 2026 19:29
HALIFAX – After months of slashing provincial revenue, Nova Scotia Premier Tim Houston has announced that he has been forced to entirely cut the Atlantic Ocean from the province. Since winning re-election in 2024 Houston’s Conservative government has…
Carney says he supports US invading Iran, Cuba, and possibly Canada “with some regret”
Published: March 5, 2026 17:23
“It’s a good thing that Trump is the most peaceful president in history who ends all wars, right?” This week host Clare Blackwood and the Panel (Megan MacKay, Nile Séguin, and special guest Dave Barclay of The Beaverton TV show) discuss Trump’s latest war…