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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 16
Followers: 118
Jeff Bezos puts hit out on “socialist” Santa Claus
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/jeff-bezos-puts-hit-out-on-socialist-santa-claus/
Published: December 30, 2025 23:36
North Pole, CA – After years of competition between the two Christmas lovers, Jeff Bezos has finally decided to end Santa Claus’ hold on Christmas by putting a hit out on Saint Nick after holiday season where Mr. Claus dominated headlines and trend…
Canada names Mark Carney ‘2025 Man Of The Year Unless Anyone Better Comes Along’
Published: December 30, 2025 15:35
“I know we’ve had many pictures of Mark Carney on our website… but I’m not entirely sure I could pick him out of a lineup.” Hit the bricks, you stupid year! Ian and the Panel (Clare Blackwood, and in the guest chair for the first time, Luke Gordon Field)…
Maximise your RRSP contribution by distracting your banker and then changing a bunch of numbers on their computer
Published: December 29, 2025 23:20
TORONTO – As another tax season approaches, financial experts suggest that the best way to prepare for retirement is to sneak a bunch of new numbers into your bank’s database and hope for the best. “When it comes to money, bigger numbers are usually…
Editorial: All I wanted for Christmas is you hitting your performance goals
Published: December 28, 2025 23:32
TORONTO – Hey, thanks for jumping on this call. I’m just going to go ahead and record, if that’s ok, thanks. I wanted to put this 1:1 in your calendar during the awkward three days between Christmas and New Years to make we’re level set on your KPIs. My…
Slinky tired of bending over backwards for your entertainment
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/slinky-tired-of-bending-over-backwards-for-your-entertainment/
Published: December 28, 2025 23:11
CHICAGO, IL – Last Friday, after being pushed down an escalator and forced to perform for hours on end, Slinky reached its breaking point. “I’m tired of bending over backwards for you people!” it shouted. “And I’m tired of bending over forwards too!” The…
Researchers discover rare breed of Canadian tuxedo cat
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/researchers-discover-rare-breed-of-canadian-tuxedo-cat/
Published: December 28, 2025 21:00
GUELPH, ON – The scientific community celebrated a groundbreaking discovery this week, with researchers uncovering the existence of a Canadian tuxedo cat. The feline in question, whom researchers have officially dubbed Sample 501 and unofficially named…
Carney, Zelensky meet in Halifax to boost Ukraine defence by enlisting Barrett’s Privateers
Published: December 27, 2025 14:52
HALIFAX – Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney will meet today with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the Nova Scotian city of Halifax, where the two will set about turning the of Russia’s invasion by enlisting every last member of the famed…
Defective Vorpal Blade goes Snacker-Snick
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/defective-vorpal-blade-goes-snacker-snick/
Published: December 27, 2025 03:46
WONDERLAND – In a shocking move Wednesday, L. Carroll Enterprises, manufacturer of the popular Vorpal Blade line of self-defence devices, has issued a product-wide recall after a large batch of blades were found to instead go “Snacker-Snick”. “’Twasn’t…
“This is totally the World Juniors” says woman trying to trick her boyfriend into watching Heated Rivalry
Published: December 26, 2025 20:15
SUDBURY, ON – Local girlfriend Ashlynn Timbers is currently monitoring her boyfriend as he watches the program she told him was the World Juniors Hockey Tournament, but is in fact the steamy gay romance sensation Heated Rivalry. The erotic ruse was…
American media’s cowardice no match for Canadian media’s incompetence
Published: December 23, 2025 15:30
TORONTO – As CBS News under Bari Weiss leads the charge of American media kowtowing to the Trump administration by deleting a story about the torture of migrants, there is one thing they didn’t count on: a Canadian media that is incompetent enough to…
Carney urges Canadians to make holiday donations to struggling shareholders
Published: December 22, 2025 14:59
OTTAWA – In light of economic difficulties facing the nation, Prime Minister Mark Carney reminded Canadians to pause their own holiday celebrations and give generously to billionaire shareholders whose year-end dividends may be slightly lower this year.…
Trudeau unsure how many autographed headshots Katy Perry will want for Christmas
Published: December 20, 2025 18:42
OTTAWA – Finishing out the last of his holiday shopping, former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has reportedly asked aides how many autographed 8×10 photographs of himself to gift to his new girlfriend, Katy Perry. “Hmm… they are collectors items, but I also…
Local woman goes into hiding after co-worker finds her tumblr
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/local-woman-goes-into-hiding-after-co-worker-finds-her-tumblr/
Published: December 20, 2025 15:52
SURREY, BC – Local accounts supervisor Megan Carlyle, has left behind all traces of her former life after learning that an office acquaintance stumbled upon her tumblr page. “It’s breached containment!” said Carlyle, 29, appearing via video call with her…
Canadian economy rallies as #1 export now Heated Rivalry
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/canadian-economy-rallies-as-1-export-now-heated-rivalry/
Published: December 19, 2025 16:05
OTTAWA – Canada’s economy, which has spent the year reeling due to American tariffs, is finishing the year strong thanks to the country’s new chief export, the gay hockey-romance drama Heated Rivalry. The series, which premiered on Canada’s Crave streaming…
Carney asks Santa for majority government, some scratch-offs
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/12/carney-asks-santa-for-majority-government-some-scratch-offs/
Published: December 18, 2025 15:20
“Also a nice pair of socks.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Clare Blackwood) talk the Liberals’ scheme to get Conservative MPs to cross floor, Poilievre’s disastrous CBC interview, and the immediate politicization of the weekend’s tragedies. Then…
Stranger Things to eventually release Season 5, Volume 4: Chapters 9-17 – Acts One and Two
Published: December 17, 2025 23:04
Hawkins, Indiana – Netflix has announced that they plan to release the highly anticipated potential conclusion to Stranger Things, eventually. “We know fans got a real kick out of Season 5, Volume 1: Chapter One – Act One,” said Bela Bajaria, Netflix’s…