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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
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Posts: 17
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Trump, Lutnick, and Hoekstra forget which of them got paid off to halt Gordie Howe Bridge
Published: June 26, 2026 20:50
WINDSOR, ON – Trump administration officials are struggling to remember which of them specifically was bribed by billionaire donors to block the opening of the recently-constructed Gordie Howe Bridge. The unveiling of the $6.4 billion Gordie Howe…
Canada cleared to enter Eurovision if they promise not to sing in Canadian French
Published: June 26, 2026 14:48
PRAGUE – After receiving full membership in the European Broadcasting Union following a general assembly vote, Canada has been cleared to enter the popular international Eurovision song contest, on the condition that the Canadian entrant not attempt to…
Padlock left at romantic site the only thing keeping local couple together
Published: June 25, 2026 16:28
MONTREAL, QC – Longtime couple David LeGault and Katie Hu have confirmed that they would have ended their relationship years ago if not for the cheap padlock symbolizing their love they left attached to a bridge in Italy years ago. “He can’t hold down a…
Local vinyl collector charged with leaving records in hot van
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/local-vinyl-collector-charged-with-leaving-records-in-hot-van/
Published: June 24, 2026 20:46
GRAND FORKS, BC – Police have charged 45-year-old Otis Claypool with criminal negligence after he left two milk crates filled with vinyl records inside his hot van for nearly an hour. “Leaving 12” records inside a hot vehicle is extremely dangerous,” an…
Data centre proponents say facility will run on solar power and all of Lake Superior
Published: June 23, 2026 22:57
THUNDER BAY, ON – A proposed hyperscale data centre just outside Thunder Bay is promising the construction will be 100% sustainable elements like rooftop solar panels to power the centre. The immense heat will be water-cooled using a specially designed…
Premier insists Ford Fest photo of protestors, numerous WWF stars, not photoshopped
Published: June 23, 2026 22:28
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford is insisting that a photo of his annual Ford Fest celebration which depicted protestors as blue-clad supporters, as well as numerous 1980s-era professional wrestlers, was not photoshopped. “Ford Fest is for the people, and…
5 reasons why bailing out rich Vancouver condo developers with taxpayer money is what the free market is all about, by Mark Carney
Published: June 23, 2026 13:43
Good afternoon, taxpayers of Canada. It is me, Mark Carney, your Definitely Liberal Prime Minister. I hope that you are all having a wonderful, fiscally profitable day. My secretary told me this morning that some of you are upset to hear that I plan to use…
RFK Jr: Women who don’t shave their pits cause autism
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/rfk-jr-women-who-dont-shave-their-pits-cause-autism/
Published: June 22, 2026 16:31
WASHINGTON D.C. – United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared that women who don’t shave their armpits cause autism. “Finally, after years of hard work saying whatever the fuck we want, we have found the origin…
Mark Carney named next UK Prime Minister
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/mark-carney-named-next-uk-prime-minister/
Published: June 22, 2026 13:23
LONDON – In the wake of Keir Starmer’s resignation as PM, Labour Party officials have announced a plan to select Canada’s Mark Carney as party leader and Prime Minister. “It’s obviously a huge honour and one I’m happy to say yes to,” said Carney. “Having…
Complex man hates bikes when he’s driving, hates cars when he’s biking
Published: June 20, 2026 11:34
MONTREAL, QC — There’s more to Brent Taylor, 34, than meets the eye. Capable of hating bikes when he’s driving and hating cars when he’s biking, he may be one of the most intriguing men alive. At first, Taylor seems like a typical commuter, sometimes…
Danielle Smith offers Albertans $100 rebates after spinning giant policy wheel again
Published: June 18, 2026 22:50
EDMONTON — Premier Danielle Smith has announced that many Albertans will receive a $100 energy rebate after listening to her closest advisor, a big wheel of policy ideas she keeps in her office closet. “Albertans are financially stressed, politically…
Hockey Night In Canada moves from CBC to Rogers; Canadian Cultural Identity reduced to butter tarts, Eugene Levy
Published: June 18, 2026 16:45
OTTAWA – With CBC losing the rights to air Hockey Night In Canada, meaning fans must now pay to watch it on Rogers Sportsnet, the entirety of Canadian culture now consists solely of butter tarts, and comedic actor Eugene Levy. “I’m not gonna lie: free,…
Everything you need to know about Trump’s Iran deal
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/everything-you-need-to-know-about-trumps-iran-deal/
Published: June 18, 2026 05:13
The details of Trump’s Memorandum Of Understanding with Iran have finally been released. Here is everything you need to know. 1. The deal is a 14 point plan, one point for every time Trump previously announced a deal to end the war 2. The deal accomplishes…
Local man willing to overlook the military-industrial complex for two hours to enjoy Top Gun
Published: June 17, 2026 22:15
OWEN SOUND – In an age where the concept of the guilty pleasure currently reigns supreme, just how far is the average citizen willing to go with that guilt? This week, an exclusive interview with a Canadian man who cherishes the two hours a year he can…
“I miss my ex” says woman who misses ex’s cat
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/i-miss-my-ex-says-woman-who-misses-exs-cat/
Published: June 17, 2026 20:34
MEDICINE HAT, AB – A local woman who claims to miss her ex-boyfriend really just misses her ex’s pet cat. “He was always so warm and affectionate, you know?” said Isabelle Lang, staring wistfully at a framed picture of her ex-boyfriend Justin that…
Trump successfully diverted to inflatable decoy G7
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/06/trump-successfully-diverted-to-inflatable-decoy-g7/
Published: June 17, 2026 18:40
ÉVIAN, FRANCE – The 2026 G7 summit has thus far yielded successful talks between the world’s top leaders, largely due to US President Donald Trump being tricked early on into joining a decoy summit constructed entirely of inflatable set pieces. “We felt…
Trump insists it’s very normal for the winners of wars to pay billions to the losers
Published: June 15, 2026 19:05
WASHINGTON D.C. – As details leak of the Iran-US peace plan, including a rumoured $300 billion reparations payment from the US to the Iranian regime, President Donald Trump was quick to reassure supporters that this by no means indicates that the US lost…