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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 15
Followers: 90
Couple trying for child despite world
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/09/couple-trying-for-child-despite-world/
Published: September 13, 2025 16:58
BURLINGTON, ON – Ignoring their shared dread, local couple Sarah and Aiden Hillson, 31, announced plans Thursday to bring a new human life into the world, despite a nagging foreboding that human civilization is teetering upon multiple precipices that could…
Second Amendment activists in shock as Charlie Kirk shot instead of just schoolchildren
Published: September 11, 2025 21:22
OREM, UT – Americans who champion the right to bear arms were shocked Wednesday as controversial commentator Charlie Kirk was shot and killed, as opposed to the ordinarily acceptable trend of mass shootings in schools. Dale Shaw, an investment advisor from…
James McAvoy not sure which of his movies he got punched for
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/09/james-mcavoy-not-sure-which-of-his-movies-he-got-punched-for/
Published: September 11, 2025 16:20
TORONTO – While in town for the Toronto International Film Festival, where he was sucker-punched in a nearby bar by a random patron, actor James McAvoy feels certain that it was likely perpetrated by someone who was dissatisfied with a movie he starred in,…
Putin assures world no one evil has ever tried to invade Poland
Published: September 10, 2025 20:51
MOSCOW – After Russian drones were intercepted inside Polish airspace, Russian President Vladimir Putin issued a statement assuring the world that no evil person throughout history has ever attempted to invade the sovereignty of Poland. “I know this seems…
Doug Ford tells young job seekers “try inheriting your daddy’s sticker factory”
Published: September 10, 2025 14:36
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is telling unemployed young job seekers to “Look harder” for label manufacturing companies that they can inherit, or failing that, a lifetime’s worth of backroom conservative political connections. Less than a week…
Pundits predict Trump’s “Thank you for being my pedophile friend” letter will hurt Democrats somehow
Published: September 10, 2025 01:26
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After journalists revealed that President Trump wrote a birthday message to notorious sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reading, “I sure enjoyed the sex crimes you did, fellow sex crime enjoyer,” analysts argued that the shocking news would…
RFK Jr.’s new vaccine board includes Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Doctor Doom and Dr. Evil
Published: September 9, 2025 21:59
Kennedy’s Volcano Lair, D.C. – Robert Kennedy Jr. has shocked the scientific community after firing the entire vaccine board and replacing them with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Doctor Doom, and Dr. Evil. “There has been no connection made between vaccines and…
Visibly trembling Oilers fan insists he’s not worried about McDavid contract situation
Published: September 9, 2025 18:35
EDMONTON – With training camp about a week away and no sign of Connor McDavid signing an extension anytime soon, Oilers fan and visibly shaking from head to toe human being Malcolm Serrano insists he isn’t worried about it. “These things take time. I’m…
Poilievre demands Carney scrap Temporary Foreign Worker program so Conservatives can quietly reinstate it
Published: September 9, 2025 16:27
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre is demanding the TFW program be scrapped, in order for him to ride a wave of public resentment over immigrant labour into the Prime Minister’s office before quietly reinstating the program to benefit his corporate donors. “I am…
Everything you need to know about Alberta’s book ban
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/09/everything-you-need-to-know-about-albertas-book-bans/
Published: September 8, 2025 16:52
1. According to Danielle Smith it’s not a book ban, just an order banning certain books 2. The order written in July by Education Minister Demetrios Nicolaides contained such explicit description of the kind of sexual activities that should not be present…
Carney hoping Canadians too busy applying for jobs to notice skyrocketing unemployment numbers
Published: September 6, 2025 18:26
OTTAWA – In the wake of a jobs report showing the national economy lost 66,000 in August alone, Prime Minister is hoping that Canadians will be too preoccupied with filling out online job application forms to notice. “With Canadian unemployment surging to…
Carney cancels invite for Project 2025 mastermind, wants fascist takeover of Canada to be more of a surprise
Published: September 4, 2025 20:09
OTTAWA – A planned reception for the architect of Project 2025 – the infamous policy blueprint for the Trump Administration – has been cancelled because Mark Carney wants the planned far-right authoritarian takeover of Canada “to be a fun surprise”. Prime…
Raccoon standing still on top of garbage bin worried he’s not going to get to scare the fuck out of anyone tonight
Published: September 4, 2025 19:39
TORONTO – A local raccoon that has been standing perfectly still on top of a garbage can next to a house in Toronto’s Beach neighbourhood for 3 hours now, is starting to get worried he won’t be able to make someone absolutely piss themselves to death.…
Pedestrian walking in road because cyclist riding on sidewalk because car parked in bike lane
Published: September 3, 2025 21:03
TORONTO – Eyewitnesses today confirmed reports that a pedestrian was walking in the road because a cyclist was riding on the sidewalk because a car was parked in the bike lane. “I was driving down the road when all of a sudden I looked up from my phone and…
SNL casts Canadian provided she can evade ICE at border
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2025/09/snl-casts-canadian-provided-she-can-evade-ice-at-border/
Published: September 3, 2025 20:30
NEW YORK – Sketch comedy institution Saturday Night Live has announced the addition of its first new Canadian cast member in decades, Veronika Slowikowska, contingent on her not being captured by ICE agents while entering the country. Slowikowska,…