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Site URL: www.thebeaverton.com
Feed URL: www.thebeaverton.com/feed
Posts: 17
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Toronto Sun responds to journalist celebrating ICE murder by promoting him to CEO
Published: January 11, 2026 01:49
TORONTO – After Toronto Sun journalist Bryan Passifiume wrote a controversial post on X celebrating the murder of Renee Nicole Good by ICE, the Sun’s Editor-in-Chief responded to the backlash by promoting him to CEO of the publication. “We are so proud to…
Alberta organizes banned book buyback to keep streets safe
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/alberta-organizes-banned-book-buyback-to-keep-streets-safe/
Published: January 10, 2026 20:53
EDMONTON – As part of Alberta’s efforts to prevent minors from viewing books with sexual content, the province has announced a buyback of all restricted and challenging literature. “From A Handmaid’s Tale to Handy With the Maid’s Tail, we’ll buy your smut…
Furious Trump demands to know why Minneapolis shooting hasn’t sparked civil war yet
Published: January 10, 2026 15:34
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Following the shooting death of a Minneapolis woman at the hands of ICE agents, President Donald Trump is ordering Americans to “hurry the fuck up” descending into a nationwide conflict that tears the country apart. “It’s been 3 whole…
Elon Musk achieves dream of automating child sex abuse
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/elon-musk-achieves-dream-of-automating-child-sex-abuse/
Published: January 8, 2026 23:31
AUSTIN, TX – World’s richest man Elon Musk has achieved another lifelong milestone goal, this time training his artificial intelligence program Grok to make it easier than ever for users to create images of illegal underage pornography. “Look, uh, we all…
ICE agent who shot, killed Minneapolis woman to face jealousy of other ICE agents
Published: January 8, 2026 18:03
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — While details surrounding the shooting death of Renee Nicole Good, 37, in Minneapolis yesterday are still emerging, one fact is certain: the ICE agent who pulled the trigger will face consequences, up to and including the jealousy of his…
Local man hears himself say “At least Bush had the decency to lie about his Oil Wars.”
Published: January 8, 2026 16:41
“Say what you want about Bush-Cheney, but they put some effort into tricking us.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Nile Seguin) dive into the chaos and confusion of Trump’s decision to attack Venezuela and kidnap its leader, including…
Workplace bathroom spray in losing battle
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/workplace-bathroom-spray-in-losing-battle/
Published: January 7, 2026 22:18
BURLINGTON, ON – In what no one would describe as a remotely close fight, the vanilla-scented air freshener in the second-floor women’s bathroom of a local office building is accepting defeat. After the architect firm across the hall unleashed its new…
Sydney Sweeney getting very annoyed by endless stories about this Sydney Sweeney person
Published: January 6, 2026 23:00
Los Angeles, CA – Actress Sydney Sweeney has reported that she is very tired of hearing stories about whoever this Sydney Sweeney person is. “I’ll be honest, I never watched Euphoria,” stated Sweeney during a recent interview. “I know that was like, one of…
Dictator frees Venezuela from dictator
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/dictator-frees-venezuela-from-dictator/
Published: January 6, 2026 19:15
CARACAS, VENEZUELA ― In a stunning shift after over a decade of dictatorial rule, the government of Venezuela fell this weekend to a new, slightly different dictator. Following his autocratic overthrow of an autocrat, the new American dictator of Venezuela…
Chrystia Freeland’s first act as Ukrainian economic advisor is suggesting they cancel Disney+
Published: January 6, 2026 15:56
OTTAWA – After accepting a role as economic advisor to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, Canadian MP Chrystia Freeland has begun by suggesting citizens of the war-ravaged country cancel their pricy Disney+ subscriptions. With Russia’s devastating…
Canadian alcoholics reject Kentucky bourbon for getting drunk at work
Published: January 5, 2026 15:31
OTTAWA – With millions returning to work after the holidays, Kentucky bourbon is out and Canadian spirits are in as the choice for Canada’s alcoholics who cannot help but drink on the job. Since U.S. President Donald Trump launched his tariff war in 2025,…
Michelin restaurant food poisoning offers 10-course vomit experience
Published: January 4, 2026 22:57
Toronto ON – Michelin restaurant, Aluris 2090, is proudly serving a food poisoning experience that creates a 10-course vomit experience. Aluris 2090 was awarded its first Michelin Star this year. After years of offering a $200 per person tasting menu, the…
Poilievre lights emergency flares to beg Trump to invade Canada
Published: January 3, 2026 18:58
OTTAWA – Canadian Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre was reportedly seen lighting emergency flares, in hopes that U.S. President Donald Trump would “liberate” Canada in the same fashion that he has done with Venezuela. “Please, Mr. Trump! Depose the…
Mark Carney turns off geolocation on phone just in case
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/mark-carney-turns-off-geolocation-on-phone-just-in-case/
Published: January 3, 2026 17:36
OTTAWA – This morning, in an unscheduled press statement, the Prime Minister’s Office has said that Prime Minister Mark Carney has turned off geolocation services for all his electronic devices “for no particular reason whatsoever”. “This is just a normal,…
Grand piano just okay
https://www.thebeaverton.com/2026/01/grand-piano-just-okay/
Published: January 2, 2026 23:59
WATERLOO, ON – A local allegedly grand piano has been revealed to just be fine. Owner Marsha Jameson made the discovery this past week after sitting down to play the instrument for her first time since last Christmas. “I was just starting to bust out one…
Carney promises 2026 will see huge economic growth that will absolutely not include you
Published: January 2, 2026 18:51
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada’s GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest. Despite challenging economic trends in the previous year, Carney has…
Chaperone at Satanist school dance reminds students to leave space for Lucifer
Published: January 2, 2026 15:45
VANCOUVER – Students attending the Unholiday Dance at Our Lady of Infernal Evil’s Satanist School have just been reminded by a volunteer chaperone to “Leave space for Lucifer” while slow dancing. “Hey! Alister and Lily! Break it up!” shouted history…