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Timothy McSweeneyâs Internet Tendency
Site URL: www.mcsweeneys.net/
Feed URL: www.mcsweeneys.net/rss
Posts: 35
Followers: 1
The Script of Every American Movie Set in Ireland
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-script-of-every-american-movie-set-in-ireland
Published: March 17, 2026 17:45
FADE IN. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE â DAY Open on rolling hills of violently oversaturated green. The scenery suggests a temporal twilight zone, some time between 1745 and the present day. Against all statistical likelihood, it is not raining. We zoom in on anyâŚ
Is Your Child Suffering from Brain Rot or Quoting Finnegans Wake?
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/is-your-child-suffering-from-brain-rot-or-quoting-finnegans-wake
Published: March 17, 2026 14:00
1. âSheâs lowkenuinely sheesh.â 2. âRelaxmaxxing in languidoily.â 3. âTwosday to Whensday, Iâm mogging moids.â 4. âThat chopped chud.â 5. âFAHH.â 6. âPay your fannum tax.â 7. âFifteen pigeon takee offa you, stlongfella.â 8. âHoppy on akkant of hisâŚ
A Brief Overview of What It Means to Be a âVikingâ for Bostonians
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-brief-overview-of-what-it-means-to-be-a-viking-for-bostonians
Published: March 17, 2026 11:00
Illustration by Matt Smith. - - -Fuckinâ vikings, dude. I just fuckinâ love vikings. Nâ I mean, itâs not just âcause theyâre awesome that I love âem, but alsah âcauseâah all the diffârent ways that theyâre awesome. âCause theyâre so awesome in so many waysâŚ
I Donât Care That My Boyfriend Is a Madagascar Hissing CockroachâI Love Him, and Weâre Getting Married
Published: March 16, 2026 17:00
Listen, Dad, I know youâve never been the biggest fan of John. But I brought the three of us to dinner because I have some news. And I KNOW youâre not going to like it, but here it is: John and I are getting married. Okay, I have to say, I expectedâŚ
Classic Movie Quotes If Everyone Were MAHA-Pilled
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/classic-movie-quotes-if-everyone-were-maha-pilled
Published: March 16, 2026 12:00
Forrest Gump âLife is like a box of chocolates that are no longer allowed for SNAP benefit recipients. You know exactly what youâre gonna get when you morally police the food insecure.â Anchorman âUnpasteurized milk purchased from a wellness influencer wasâŚ
The Little Bunny from Goodnight Moon Accepts an Award
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-little-bunny-from-goodnight-moon-accepts-an-award
Published: March 13, 2026 17:00
First of all, I must thank the comb. And the brush! And my God, the bowl full of mush! My warriors. My champions. This award will be next to you on the bedside table VERY soon. And thanks to the Great Green Room for giving our little ensemble a place toâŚ
Excerpts from The Believer: No One Gave It to You
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/no-one-gave-it-to-you
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
- - -Four conversations with writers and artists about the role that athletics and training play in their creative lives, featuring Marcus Burke, R. O. Kwon, Alexis Madrigal, and Daniel AlarcĂłn - - -During my senior year of high school, a guidanceâŚ
I Brought Your Child an Oversized Lollipop Because I Hate You
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-brought-your-child-an-oversized-lollipop-because-i-hate-you
Published: March 13, 2026 12:00
Well, I should probably get going, but this was such a fun visit. And it was especially great to see you, Jimmy! You know, I actually have a little treat for you because you were so good and because I secretly hate your father: an oversized lollipop thatâŚ
To Keep Americans Safe, the Press Must Only Publish Hot Photos of Me
Published: March 12, 2026 23:30
âThe Defense Department has barred press photographers from briefings on the ongoing U.S.-Israeli military conflict with Iran after they published photos of Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth that his staff deemed âunflatteringââŚâ -â The Washington Post - -âŚ
Party Games for Fifty-Somethings
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/party-games-for-fifty-somethings
Published: March 12, 2026 17:00
Musical Ergonomic Chairs Players walk around a group of mesh-backed task chairs with lumbar support. When the music stops, each player sits and tells the person to their left where theyâre experiencing joint discomfort. The player who doesnât get a chairâŚ
A Couple Tries to Get a Mortgage Approval in an Equal Parts Plausible, Dystopian, and Not-So-Distant Future
Published: March 12, 2026 12:00
TO: Jordan, Mortgage Underwriter FROM: Greg and Janice, Home Buyers Good morning, Please see the responses to your questions below and in italics. Greg and I are looking forward to getting this process done so we can move forward on the house. Sincerely,âŚ
Despite This Terrible War, We Must Never Lose Sight of the Value of Each and Every Precious Shipping Container
Published: March 11, 2026 23:31
âThree cargo vessels have been hit by âunknown projectilesâ in the Strait of Hormuz, maritime authorities say, as pressure intensifies on one of the worldâs most important shipping lanes. Traffic through the strait, a vital corridor for oil, has fallenâŚ
Next Season on David Ellisonâs The Pitt
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/next-season-on-david-ellisons-the-pitt
Published: March 11, 2026 16:30
âParamount Skydance appears to have won the bidding war to purchase Warner Bros. Discovery. If the $110.9 billion deal goes through, it will place a vast media kingdom in the hands of Paramount CEO and staunch Trump administration supporter David Ellison,âŚ
The Woodland Dystopian Writers Guild
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-woodland-dystopian-writers-guild
Published: March 11, 2026 12:00
A Message from Your University President on the Recent Hippopotamus Attacks
Published: March 10, 2026 17:00
Dear Faculty, Staff, Students, and AI Summarization Tools, I want to express my deepest gratitude for your patience as we explore innovative solutions to the recent string of gruesome hippopotamus attacks reported across central campus. Your steadfastâŚ
Introducing: Free Time
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/introducing-free-time
Published: March 10, 2026 12:00
From the innovators who brought you Taking a Nap and Just Chilling, Free Time is a luxury experience beyond your wildest dreams. Free Time isnât just a new productâitâs a total wellness optimization platform. Itâs not an app but rather a mind-blowingâŚ
Iran Has Been an Imminent Threat to the U.S. for Forty-Seven Years
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/iran-has-been-an-imminent-threat-to-the-us-for-forty-seven-years
Published: March 9, 2026 23:45
âThe threats posed by Iran to the United States, while potentially serious, werenât imminent. So Trump and his officials have redefined âimminentâ to include distant, indirect, and theoretical risks. Theyâve stretched the word beyond any semblance of itsâŚ
What the Thousand-Year Blood Reign Means for Gas Prices
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/what-the-thousand-year-blood-reign-means-for-gas-prices
Published: March 9, 2026 17:36
âDeath toll in Middle East surpasses 1,100 as missile strikes continue.â â The Independent Gas prices continue to surge in the US, rising 14 percent in a week." â New York Times - - -Questions are flying, ever since the start of Sepharax the CruelâsâŚ
Why I, Lucifer, Rejected a Deal for Donald Trumpâs Soul
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why-i-lucifer-rejected-a-deal-for-donald-trumps-soul
Published: March 9, 2026 12:00
Iâve made contracts with every sort of lowlife. Iâve been to the crossroads. Iâve been down to Georgia. Iâve signed agreements with legions of lawyers, living, as I do, in the details, and ended up with the souls of everyone except Daniel Webster, thatâŚ
To Get Hot, Break Your Jaw. Then Everything Else
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/to-get-hot-break-your-jaw-then-everything-else
Published: March 6, 2026 18:01
âLooksmaxxingââachieving the hottest, manliest version of yourselfâcan be intimidating. Itâs hard to know where to start, but we recommend with your jaw. Crack that bad boy wide open. A big, broad, shockingly vast jaw is the bedrock of masculinity. YouâveâŚ
Excerpts from The Believer: Ask Carrie: Winter 2025
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ask-carrie-winter-2025
Published: March 6, 2026 14:00
Carrie Brownstein delivers a few sports-related tips and pointers. - - -Q: My partner is the captain of a coed dodgeball league and has started hinting that he wants me to attend more games. I went to one recently and found myself feeling secondhandâŚ
The Story of Art + Water
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-story-of-art-water
Published: March 6, 2026 13:16
For fifteen years or so, Iâd been kicking around the idea of resurrecting the artist-apprentice model that reigned in the art world for hundreds of years. Again and again, Iâd heard from young people who lamented the astronomical and ever-rising cost ofâŚ
Iâm the Second-Born Bridgerton Son, and I Donât See Race
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-the-second-born-bridgerton-son-and-i-dont-see-race
Published: March 6, 2026 13:01
As a cisgender, white, bisexual second son of a viscount, and as a gentleman landowner of multiple estates on the unceded ancestral homeland of the Celts and Saxons, I donât see race. Of late, many of my acquaintances have expressed very great wonder atâŚ
A.I. Checks in After Bombing Iran to See If You Still Think Its Bubble Is Bursting
Published: March 6, 2026 00:30
âIn order to strike a blistering 1,000 targets in the first 24 hours of its attack on Iran, the U.S. military leveraged the most advanced artificial intelligence itâs ever used in warfare, a tool that could be difficult for the Pentagon to give up even asâŚ
Social Media Post Template for Influencers Stranded by the War
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/social-media-post-template-for-influencers-stranded-by-the-war
Published: March 5, 2026 17:40
âDubai influencersâ lives of luxury interrupted by Iran strikes: âThe image of safety has been shattered.ââ â The Guardian - - -Thanks to everyone who has reached out to me. Never did I imagine that my [HOLIDAY / EXOTIC FOOD CRAWL / COMPED STAY IN THISâŚ
âJust Peachy,â and Other Fruity Feelings
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/just-peachy-and-other-fruity-feelings
Published: March 5, 2026 13:00
âJust peachyâ Things are going well⌠not! âVery cherryâ Youâve got a pit in your stomach. âBasically bananaâ Today feels like your day. You werenât ready yesterday, tomorrowâs not guaranteed, but today? Your golden window of opportunity. YouâreâŚ
I Am Fighting Back Against the Trump Administration by Moving to Portugal
Published: March 4, 2026 17:30
âMore people moved out of the U.S. last year than moved in for the first time since the Great Depression as a record number of citizens moved abroad following Donald Trumpâs return.â â The Daily Beast - - -Ever since Trump returned to office, I have beenâŚ
Our Company Mourns a Beloved Employee, Whom We Must Replace Immediately
Published: March 4, 2026 13:00
The Synergistic Synergies Subsidiaries family is devastated to announce the loss of our Chief Happiness Architect, Wayne Tillerson, an invaluable member of our corporate family whose vacant position is already accepting applications through our HR portal.âŚ
Does Your Country Need Regime Change? A Quiz
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/does-your-country-need-regime-change-a-quiz
Published: March 3, 2026 18:00
âIn announcing the U.S. military strike on Iran, President Donald Trump went significantly beyond his previous justification of destroying the countryâs nuclear program. Heâs now also calling for regime changeâand encouraging the Iranian people to rise upâŚ
Iâm Pepsi, and Iâm Actually Okay
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-pepsi-and-im-actually-okay
Published: March 3, 2026 13:00
Before you ask, yesâIâm actually okay. I can feel you hesitating, the way people do when they lower their expectations out of politeness. You ask this question as if it comes with a proviso, like something unfortunate but manageable is about to happen toâŚ
The Solution to the Male Loneliness Epidemic Is for Men to Bust Science Myths with Each Other
Published: March 2, 2026 18:30
Men, guys, dudes, rejoice! After much research and testing, we have found the cure to the cursed male loneliness epidemic that is sweeping our country and our op-ed sections. We know you feel isolated. We know you canât talk about your emotions. We knowâŚ
Congratulations to Me, a Kamala Harris Voter, Who Got Exactly What I Voted For
Published: March 2, 2026 13:00
âTrumpâs best foreign policy? Not starting any wars⌠He has my support in 2024 because I know he wonât recklessly send Americans to fight overseas.â â JD Vance, in an op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, 7/31/23 - - -I like to think of myself as someone whoâŚ
Revisions for Your Hopelessly Optimistic Dystopian YA Novel
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/revisions-for-your-hopelessly-optimistic-dystopian-ya-novel
Published: February 27, 2026 18:45
Dear Sir/Madam, While we are always on the lookout for the Next Big Thing, the editors regret to inform you that your manuscript, in its current form, is rejected on grounds of being unrealistic, absurdly optimistic, and, frankly, preferable to the currentâŚ
Excerpts from The Believer: Sports Books I Have Read or Written
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sports-books-i-have-read-or-written
Published: February 27, 2026 14:00
- - -A one-off, sports-issue special. - - -Books read: Football Against the Enemy: How the Worldâs Most Popular Sport Starts and Fuels Revolutions and Keeps Dictators in PowerâSimon Kuper Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius of Dutch FootballâDavidâŚ
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trumpâs Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: January 2026: Atrocities 658-730
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/january-2026-atrocities-658-730
Published: February 27, 2026 13:00
Early in President Trumpâs first term, McSweeneyâs editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trumpâs cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgentâŚ