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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.
Site URL: theonion.com
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Posts: 32
Followers: 523
CDC Successfully Eradicates Children
https://theonion.com/cdc-successfully-eradicates-children/
Published: September 7, 2026 13:00
ATLANTAâHailing its success as a major victory for the public health and safety of all Americans, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Monday that it had successfully eradicated children. The agency confirmed that children had been theâŚ
What Middle Class Looks Like Now
https://theonion.com/what-middle-class-looks-like-now/
Published: September 7, 2026 13:00
Finally landed the career of your dreams? Well, this dated, leaky 2-bedroom home is still all youâll ever be able to afford because thatâs just how things are now. Settle in and get used to it. Reference #830436 The post What Middle Class Looks Like NowâŚ
High School Football Coach Has Good Feeling About New Player Called âThunder Beefâ
Published: September 7, 2026 13:00
DANBURY, CTâMarveling aloud that he had rarely been so sure of an athleteâs unbridled potential, Huntington High School head football coach Michael McNeese said Monday he just had a good feeling about a new player that other kids on the team were referringâŚ
Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of âGTA IXâ
https://theonion.com/rockstar-leaks-worsen-as-hackers-release-fully-playable-copy-of-gta-ix/
Published: September 4, 2026 15:13
EDINBURGH, SCOTLANDâSending the publisher scrambling to protect trade secrets related to the hotly anticipated project, leaks from Rockstar Games worsened Friday as hackers released a fully playable copy of Grand Theft Auto IX. âItâs heartbreaking havingâŚ
What To Know About âEarle Meets Worldâ
https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-earle-meets-world/
Published: September 4, 2026 13:00
Influencer Alix Earle is the star of Netflixâs newest reality show, Earle Meets World. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Who is Alix Earle? A: Alix is a Gen Z content creator known for eating expired military rations. Q: IâŚ
God Struggling To Remember Why He Made So Many Ugly People
https://theonion.com/god-struggling-to-remember-why-he-made-so-many-ugly-people/
Published: September 4, 2026 13:00
THE HEAVENSâScratching His head and rifling through His notes as He tried to recall His reasoning for the decision, The Lord God, Supreme Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to remember on Friday why He made so many ugly people. âI could haveâŚ
PBR Offers $20,000 Reward For Lost Beer
https://theonion.com/pbr-offers-20000-reward-for-lost-beer/
Published: September 4, 2026 13:00
The CEO of Pabst Brewing Co. put up a $20,000 reward to anyone who could provide information that leads to the recovery of 1,602 missing cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and non-alcoholic Old Milwaukee beers. What do you think? The post PBR Offers $20,000 RewardâŚ
Home Heeled Advantage
https://theonion.com/home-heeled-advantage/
Published: September 4, 2026 13:00
The post Home Heeled Advantage appeared first on The Onion.
MapQuest Jumps To Top Of App Store After Refusing To Rename âLake Ontarioâ
https://theonion.com/mapquest-jumps-to-top-of-app-store-after-refusing-to-rename-lake-ontario/
Published: September 3, 2026 19:57
Legacy mapping tool MapQuest shot up to become the top navigation app in Appleâs app store after refusing to comply with President Trumpâs executive order renaming âLake Ontarioâ to âLake America,â overtaking Google Maps, Waze, and Apple Maps. What do youâŚ
Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92
https://theonion.com/gloria-steinem-researcher-who-discovered-existence-of-women-dead-at-92/
Published: September 3, 2026 17:13
The post Gloria Steinem, Researcher Who Discovered Existence Of Women, Dead At 92 appeared first on The Onion.
Artist Profile: Ella Langley
https://theonion.com/artist-profile-ella-langley/
Published: September 3, 2026 13:00
Country star Ella Langley is breaking records with her hit song âChoosinâ Texas,â which has now topped the Billboard Hot 100 for 20 weeks. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist. Nepotism Connection: Child of God Honors AndâŚ
Google Maps Introduces Crawling Directions For Cyclists Hit By Truck
https://theonion.com/google-maps-introduces-crawling-directions-for-cyclists-hit-by-truck/
Published: September 3, 2026 13:00
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CAâTouting the new feature as yet another innovation to help every traveler get where theyâre going, Google Maps on Thursday began offering crawling directions for cyclists who have been hit by a truck. âWhether youâve been sideswiped by aâŚ
Rolo Ad Greatly Overestimates The Social Element Of Eating Rolos
https://theonion.com/rolo-ad-greatly-overestimates-the-social-element-of-eating-rolos/
Published: September 3, 2026 13:00
HERSHEY, PAâCalling into question the candy brandâs apparent belief that consuming its chocolate-covered caramels constitutes a lively group activity, viewers told reporters Thursday that a new Rolo commercial greatly overestimates the social element ofâŚ
Game Ready: How NFL Players Prepare Their Bodies And Minds For The Long Season
https://theonion.com/game-ready-how-nfl-players-prepare-their-bodies-and-minds-for-the-long-season/
Published: September 3, 2026 13:00
From specialized nutrition plans to mental skills work to experimental equipment, the quest to stay healthy and productive now takes NFL athletes far beyond the weight room. Here are some ways players keep themselves fit throughout the season. MentalâŚ
Tim Kurkjian Quits âBaseball Tonightâ After Discovering MMA
https://theonion.com/tim-kurkjian-quits-baseball-tonight-after-discovering-mma/
Published: September 2, 2026 17:17
BRISTOL, CTâClaiming he was now convinced he had wasted his life covering âa little boy sport,â longtime ESPN analyst Tim Kurkjian announced Wednesday that he was quitting Baseball Tonight after discovering mixed martial arts. âThey can hit each other,âŚ
Dark Horse Emerges In Competition For Most Insane Coworker
https://theonion.com/dark-horse-emerges-in-competition-for-most-insane-coworker/
Published: September 2, 2026 17:12
MARIETTA, GAâAfter the employee surfaced from out of nowhere to contend with lunatics once thought untouchable, sources at Horizon Insurance Solutions confirmed Tuesday that claims adjuster Erika Newton had emerged as a dark horse in the competition forâŚ
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret
Published: September 2, 2026 17:01
CULVER CITY, CAâAmidst intense speculation over who would next portray the iconic secret agent, a source within Amazon MGM Studios revealed Wednesday that producers had narrowed down their list of James Bond candidates to six actors and one extremely suaveâŚ
Grieving Widower Not Sure Heâll Ever Love Someone His Age Again
https://theonion.com/grieving-widower-not-sure-hell-ever-love-someone-his-age-again/
Published: September 2, 2026 13:00
FORT LAUDERDALE, FLâTearfully admitting that he had been lost since his wife Linda died, grieving widower Anthony Greenwich told reporters Wednesday that he wasnât sure heâd ever love someone his age again. âLinda was truly one of a kind, and no senior orâŚ
What To Know About Starbase, Louisiana
https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-starbase-louisiana/
Published: September 1, 2026 20:13
SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be âthe biggest launch site on Earth.â The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility. Q: Why Louisiana? A: To give localsâŚ
AI Strategist Suggests Calling Data Centers âComputer Partiesâ
https://theonion.com/ai-strategist-suggests-calling-data-centers-computer-parties/
Published: September 1, 2026 15:33
SAN FRANCISCOâClaiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers âcomputer parties.â âWhile the term âdataâŚ
Novelist Was Clearly Betrayed By A Vampire In His Past
https://theonion.com/novelist-was-clearly-betrayed-by-a-vampire-in-his-past/
Published: September 1, 2026 15:30
ARLINGTON, TXâNoting the text was âchock-fullâ of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. âHe definitely has an ax to grind, becauseâŚ
Activists Decry Meat Industryâs Practice Of Separating Calves From Their Cool Uncles
Published: September 1, 2026 13:00
NEW YORKâCondemning the widespread practice as âcruel and inhumane,â animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. âIt should shock our collective conscience that calves asâŚ
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New âPhiladelphia EaglesââThemed Jerseys
https://theonion.com/jets-hope-to-sell-more-merchandise-with-new-philadelphia-eagles-themed-jerseys/
Published: September 1, 2026 13:00
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJâHoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of âPhiladelphia Eaglesââthemed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales. âAfterâŚ
Man Watches In Silence As Wife Reveals All The Things She Brought Home From Store That Arenât Cheez-Its
Published: September 1, 2026 13:00
CARLSBAD, CAâDesperately scanning the kitchen counter for anything besides a fruit or vegetable, local man Jeremy Drummond watched in silence Tuesday as his wife revealed all the things she brought home from the store that werenât Cheez-Its. âCome on, comeâŚ
âWall Street Journalâ Defends Decision To Publish Peggy NoonanâGenerated Article
https://theonion.com/wall-street-journal-defends-decision-to-publish-peggy-noonan-generated-article/
Published: August 31, 2026 19:16
NEW YORKâJustifying the move as simply the next stage in journalismâs continual evolution, The Wall Street Journal on Monday defended its decision to publish a Peggy Noonanâgenerated article. âNo matter how much you want to hold back the tide, you canâtâŚ
Sixers Front Office Startled By How Quickly Jaylen Brown Converted Rest Of Team To Islam
Published: August 31, 2026 17:10
PHILADELPHIAâAdmitting they had not expected the star forward to have such an immediate impact on the team, Philadelphia 76ers officials told reporters Monday they were taken aback by how quickly Jaylen Brown had converted nearly the entire roster toâŚ
Dept. Of Interior Sets Aside 2.3 Million Acres For Future Trumps To Enjoy
https://theonion.com/dept-of-interior-sets-aside-2-3-million-acres-for-future-trumps-to-enjoy/
Published: August 31, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâCalling the act a forward-looking attempt to preserve the nationâs most precious natural treasures for the presidentâs descendants, the Department of the Interior announced Monday that it would set aside a 2.3-million-acre stretch of AmericanâŚ
When I Die, Feed Me To Something Majestic
https://theonion.com/when-i-die-feed-me-to-something-majestic/
Published: August 31, 2026 13:00
In my 100 years, Iâve been favored with good health, time with loved ones, and a long, fulfilling career. There are many things for which I am grateful, not least of which is the opportunity to travel this astonishing planet, witness its wondrous diversityâŚ
Nationâs Quiet, Gangly Kids In Cargo Pants Announce Plans To Be Freakishly Good At Cross Country
Published: August 31, 2026 13:00
AURORA, ILâConfirming they would soon emerge from the nationâs basements, computer labs, and AP History classrooms to dominate 5K courses across the nation, Americaâs quiet, gangly kids in cargo pants announced Wednesday that they planned to be freakishlyâŚ
Iran Releases Video Threatening Barron Trump
https://theonion.com/iran-releases-video-threatening-barron-trump/
Published: August 31, 2026 13:00
Iranian state media released a video that appeared to threaten the life of President Trumpâs youngest son, Barron, with the Islamic Republic placing a $10 million bounty on his head. What do you think? The post Iran Releases Video Threatening Barron TrumpâŚ
Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run
https://theonion.com/red-sox-fan-throws-back-son-who-caught-yankees-home-run/
Published: August 29, 2026 17:00
The post Red Sox Fan Throws Back Son Who Caught Yankees Home Run appeared first on The Onion.
U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic Limits
https://theonion.com/u-s-lobbying-against-global-plastic-limits/
Published: August 29, 2026 13:00
A leaked memo revealed that U.S. diplomats are subverting efforts to limit global plastic production, doing so as worldwide plastic pollution grows to over 57 million tons annually. What do you think? The post U.S. Lobbying Against Global Plastic LimitsâŚ