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Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly

https://theonion.com/caleb-williams-signals-boisterous-chicago-home-crowd-to-eat-less-loudly/

Published: January 11, 2026 01:00

CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy


DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars

https://theonion.com/dhs-releases-watchlist-of-mothers-driving-cars/

Published: January 9, 2026 18:41

WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-stephen-miller/

Published: January 9, 2026 16:48

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump’s hard-line policies, including a “zero tolerance” immigration system, the Muslim ban, and, most recently, threats to annex Greenland. The Onion sat down


Timeline Of U.S. Interventions In Latin America

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-u-s-interventions-in-latin-america/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

The Trump administration’s strikes on Venezuela are part of a long history of American involvement in the region. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. interventions in Latin America.  500 B.C. So far so good. 1899 The United Fruit Company begins its


Ken Burns Announces New 10-Part ‘Mr. Biscuits’ Documentary After Adopting Cat

https://theonion.com/ken-burns-announces-new-10-part-mr-biscuits-documentary-after-adopting-cat/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

WALPOLE, NH—Revealing that the series would force Americans to rethink everything they thought they knew about the “cute little fuzzball,” filmmaker Ken Burns announced Friday the release of Mr. Biscuits, a 10-part documentary about the cat he adopted from


Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors

https://theonion.com/fox-news-sends-trump-quarterly-tithe-of-3-blond-anchors/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Saying the sumptuous gift should slake the administration’s thirst for the next few months, Fox News sent President Donald Trump its quarterly tithe of three blond anchors, White House sources confirmed Friday. “We have traveled south to the


U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements

https://theonion.com/u-k-bans-junk-food-advertisements/

Published: January 8, 2026 21:46

The United Kingdom banned junk food advertisements on television before 9 p.m. and at any time online, part of a drive to tackle childhood obesity. What do you think? The post U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements appeared first on The Onion.

Fact-Checking The Trump Administration On Venezuela

https://theonion.com/fact-checking-the-trump-administration-on-venezuela/

Published: January 8, 2026 19:17

President Donald Trump has made a number of claims about the future of Venezuela since U.S. special forces raided the country and captured President Nicolás Maduro and his wife. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s statements. Claim: The U.S.


DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism

https://theonion.com/dhs-warns-any-action-by-americans-will-be-treated-as-domestic-terrorism/

Published: January 8, 2026 18:52

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Minneapolis resident Renee Good as she drove away from him was “fully justified,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned Thursday that any action


RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-recommends-drinking-anything-that-comes-out-of-cow/

Published: January 8, 2026 16:46

WASHINGTON—Claiming that most people only get a fraction of the benefits the “nutritional gold mine” has to offer, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued new dietary guidelines this week encouraging Americans to drink anything that comes out of a


CDC Scales Back Child Vaccine Schedule

https://theonion.com/cdc-scales-back-child-vaccine-schedule/

Published: January 7, 2026 16:45

The Trump administration sharply cut the U.S. childhood vaccine schedule from 17 to 11 recommended shots, with health experts warning that changes were made without an adequate review and will only confuse parents and clinicians. What do you think? The


Trump Asks National Intelligence Point-Blank If God Real

https://theonion.com/trump-asks-national-intelligence-point-blank-if-god-real/

Published: January 7, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Cutting off a top security advisor mid-speech as he eagerly posed his question, President Donald Trump reportedly interrupted a briefing Tuesday to ask officials from the National Intelligence Council whether God was real. “So what do we know


RFK Jr. Scales Back Childhood Mortality Schedule

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-scales-back-childhood-mortality-schedule/

Published: January 7, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Saying the changes would empower Americans to make more informed decisions about their family’s health, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that he had scaled back the department’s childhood mortality


Area Man Knows When He Not Welcome In Children’s Museum

https://theonion.com/area-man-knows-when-he-not-welcome-in-childrens-museum/

Published: January 7, 2026 14:00

INDIANAPOLIS—Dusting off the kinetic sand from his hands as he walked with his head held high toward the exit, 34-year-old area man Benjamin Schrock reportedly told visitors and staff of Discovery Zone Children’s Museum on Tuesday that he knows when he’s


Oil Stocks Rise After U.S. Capture Of Maduro

https://theonion.com/oil-stocks-rise-after-u-s-capture-of-maduro/

Published: January 6, 2026 21:20

Energy company stocks and the price of crude oil surged after the United States captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, with Trump claiming U.S. oil companies would participate in rebuilding the South American country’s energy infrastructure. What do


Chevron CEO Sure In Good Mood This Week

https://theonion.com/chevron-ceo-sure-in-good-mood-this-week/

Published: January 6, 2026 21:19

HOUSTON—Calling the executive’s demeanor “unnervingly jovial,” company sources confirmed Tuesday that Chevron CEO Mike Wirth sure was in a good mood this week. “Man, normally that guy is a first-rate asshole, so something must be up,” said an anonymous


Lost Jan. 6 Rioter Still Searching Capitol Building For Mike Pence

https://theonion.com/lost-jan-6-rioter-still-searching-capitol-building-for-mike-pence/

Published: January 6, 2026 19:07

WASHINGTON—As he wandered aimlessly through the halls of the U.S. Capitol building, lost Jan. 6 rioter Alex Morris told reporters Tuesday that he was still searching for former Vice President Mike Pence. “Oh my God, how am I back in Statuary Hall again?


NASA Discovers Distant Planet With Conditions That Could Sustain Rocks

https://theonion.com/nasa-discovers-distant-planet-with-conditions-that-could-sustain-rocks/

Published: January 6, 2026 16:06

WASHINGTON—Lauding the breakthrough as a pivotal moment in the search for stones beyond the solar system, researchers at NASA announced Tuesday the discovery of a distant planet with perfect conditions for sustaining rocks. “After analysis of HD 101581 b’s


British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good

https://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/

Published: January 6, 2026 14:00

LONDON—Delighting his schoolmates as he weaved a rich tapestry of life in the United States, newly returned British exchange student Ethan Rowe, 15, reportedly regaled his friends Tuesday with stories of food that tastes good. “In America they use salt,


Trump Claims He Will Marry Maduro’s Wife Until Suitable Replacement Found

https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-will-marry-maduros-wife-until-suitable-replacement-found/

Published: January 5, 2026 21:37

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was prepared to remain in the role for as long as necessary, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he would marry Venezuelan first lady Cilia Adela Flores de Maduro. “Until we can find a suitable long-term replacement,


Local Church Opens Doors To Any Single Mothers In Need Of Judgment

https://theonion.com/local-church-opens-doors-to-any-single-mothers-in-need-of-judgment/

Published: January 5, 2026 18:20

DANBURY, CT—Emphasizing the local parish’s dedication to serving its most vulnerable community members, St. Mary’s Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it was opening its doors to any single mothers in need of judgment. “Times are tough right now, but we


Panicked xAI Technicians Frantically Throw Levers To Find The One Controlling Grok’s Pedophilia

https://theonion.com/panicked-xai-technicians-frantically-throw-levers-to-find-the-one-controlling-groks-pedophilia/

Published: January 5, 2026 14:00

PALO ALTO, CA—Shouting over the sound of the alarm as it blared through the headquarters of Elon Musk’s artificial intelligence startup, panicked xAI technicians were reportedly throwing levers Monday in a frantic effort to find the one controlling Grok’s


Menopause: Myth Vs. Fact

https://theonion.com/menopause-myth-vs-fact/

Published: January 5, 2026 14:00

Misinformation concerning menopause abounds. The Onion’s health experts examine the myths versus the facts.  MYTH: Hot flashes are the first sign of menopause. FACT: Sharing an AI image of a golden retriever with angel wings is the first sign of menopause.