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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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26 Charged In Alleged College Basketball Fixing Scheme

https://theonion.com/26-charged-in-alleged-college-basketball-fixing-scheme/

Published: January 16, 2026 21:57

Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What


Pink Cocaine Spreading In U.S.

https://theonion.com/pink-cocaine-spreading-in-u-s/

Published: January 16, 2026 16:13

So-called “pink cocaine,” a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think? The post Pink Cocaine


La-Z-Boy Introduces Adjustable Morphine Drip

https://theonion.com/la-z-boy-introduces-adjustable-morphine-drip/

Published: January 16, 2026 14:00

MONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips.


Ask A Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest

https://theonion.com/ask-a-drunk-guy-who-needs-to-get-something-off-his-chest/

Published: January 16, 2026 14:00

Dear Drunk Guy Who Needs To Get Something Off His Chest, I’m a single mom with a 2-year-old son, and the people in the apartment above us play loud music that wakes him from his naps. They turn it down when I ask, but the volume always goes back up a few


What To Know About Season 2 Of ‘The Pitt’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-season-2-of-the-pitt/

Published: January 16, 2026 14:00

Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series. Q: Do I need to watch season one first? A: No, you can get the gist of it by


Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang

https://theonion.com/rosemarie-sheppard-and-martin-lang/

Published: January 16, 2026 14:00

The bride and groom tied the knot this year, 2025, but you wouldn’t know it considering she walked down the aisle to a fucking Lumineers song. The post Rosemarie Sheppard and Martin Lang appeared first on The Onion.

Dilbert Creator Dies

https://theonion.com/dilbert-creator-dies/

Published: January 15, 2026 22:15

Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip Dilbert has died at 68, having drawn criticism after veering into far right politics. What do you think? The post Dilbert Creator Dies appeared first on The Onion.

‘Washington Post’ Publishes Editorial Defending FBI Raid On Its Reporter

https://theonion.com/washington-post-publishes-editorial-defending-fbi-raid-on-its-reporter/

Published: January 15, 2026 19:59

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter. “As journalists, we stand united behind


Elon Musk Files For Full Custody Of All U.S. Children

https://theonion.com/elon-musk-files-for-full-custody-of-all-u-s-children/

Published: January 15, 2026 17:47

STARBASE, TX—Claiming that his relationship with the nation’s adults had been ‘irreparably’ damaged by their recent comments in support of the trans community, Elon Musk announced Thursday that he had filed for full custody of all U.S. children. “I will be


Political Profile: Gregory Bovino

https://theonion.com/political-profile-gregory-bovino/

Published: January 15, 2026 17:07

Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background. Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist Leadership Style: Spittle-forward Motto:


Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping

https://theonion.com/study-some-gifted-dogs-can-pick-up-new-words-by-eavesdropping/

Published: January 15, 2026 17:04

A new study published in the journal Science found that exceptionally smart dogs can learn the names of objects simply by overhearing human conversations and extracting meaning from social cues, showing word-learning abilities similar to toddlers. What do


Guitar Center Institutes 72-Hour Waiting Period

https://theonion.com/guitar-center-institutes-72-hour-waiting-period/

Published: January 15, 2026 14:00

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers. “Owning a guitar is a huge


Cindy Patton

https://theonion.com/cindy-patton/

Published: January 15, 2026 14:00

Cindy Patton, 66, died Wednesday when a nugget of granola punctured her cyanide tooth. The post Cindy Patton appeared first on The Onion.

Conservatives Say Renée Good Was Brainwashed By Bible Into Loving Thy Neighbor

https://theonion.com/conservatives-say-renee-good-was-brainwashed-by-bible-into-loving-thy-neighbor/

Published: January 15, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Calling her actions “indefensible,” Vice President JD Vance stated Thursday that RenĂ©e Good was brainwashed by the Bible into loving thy neighbor. “The fact of the matter is that RenĂ©e Good was radicalized by these deranged, left-wing texts,”


Trump’s Military Spending By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/trumps-military-spending-by-the-numbers/

Published: January 15, 2026 14:00

With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump’s military spending by the numbers. The post Trump’s Military


Melania Trump Casts Longtime Aide Into Well Of Gloom

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-casts-longtime-aide-into-well-of-gloom/

Published: January 15, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.  Shortly


Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor

https://theonion.com/spencer-pratt-announces-run-for-l-a-mayor/

Published: January 14, 2026 16:56

Reality television personality Spencer Pratt announced a longshot bid for Los Angeles mayor, with The Hills star vowing to “expose the system.” What do you think? The post Spencer Pratt Announces Run For L.A. Mayor appeared first on The Onion.

Really Hot Mailman

https://theonion.com/really-hot-mailman/

Published: January 14, 2026 14:00

This otherwise unremarkable home is serviced by a real 10-out-of-10 panty-melting stud of a postal worker. Reference #45823 The post Really Hot Mailman appeared first on The Onion.

Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp

https://theonion.com/amy-warburton-and-zachary-kemp/

Published: January 14, 2026 14:00

It wasn’t at a plantation, okay? It was just a big Southern house. The post Amy Warburton and Zachary Kemp appeared first on The Onion.

God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good

https://theonion.com/god-admits-imitation-crab-tastes-just-as-good/

Published: January 14, 2026 14:00

THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the


Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again

https://theonion.com/vivid-sex-dream-about-steely-mcbeam-again/

Published: January 14, 2026 14:00

PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about


Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’

https://theonion.com/wild-eyed-andy-cohen-announces-the-real-housewives-of-my-attic/

Published: January 14, 2026 14:00

AMAGANSETT, NY—Saying he couldn’t wait for Bravo’s audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic. “Based on the


GOP Adds ‘ICE Kills Everyone’ Pillar To 2026 Platform

https://theonion.com/gop-adds-ice-kills-everyone-pillar-to-2026-platform/

Published: January 13, 2026 16:31

WASHINGTON—Adopting a new set of national policy positions ahead of this year’s midterms, top GOP leaders released an updated party platform Tuesday to introduce their official “ICE kills everyone” agenda for 2026. “In our continuing fight to make America


Zillow Adds Segregation Score

https://theonion.com/zillow-adds-segregation-score/

Published: January 13, 2026 14:00

SEATTLE—In an effort to help U.S. homebuyers find the kinds of neighborhoods they’re looking for, online real estate marketplace Zillow announced Monday that it had provided each property listing with a segregation score, allowing users to quickly gauge an


Keith Belden

https://theonion.com/keith-belden/

Published: January 13, 2026 14:00

Due to a hospital room mix-up, Keith Belden, 71, died peacefully surrounded by friends and family of Maurice Simpkins, 81. The post Keith Belden appeared first on The Onion.

DOJ Releases Jerome Powell Deepfake Nudes

https://theonion.com/doj-releases-jerome-powell-deepfake-nudes/

Published: January 12, 2026 21:33

WASHINGTON—Asserting that the images were “100% authentic,” the Justice Department released Monday what appeared to be deepfake nudes of Federal Reserve chair Jerome Powell. “The American people deserve to know that the central bank is led by a total


X Users Ask Grok To Put More Clothes On Elon Musk Pictures

https://theonion.com/x-users-ask-grok-to-put-more-clothes-on-elon-musk-pictures/

Published: January 12, 2026 20:00

BASTROP, TX—In a trend that raises serious questions about consent on the social media platform, rising numbers of X users have been asking the Grok chatbot to put more clothes on pictures of Elon Musk, sources confirmed Monday. “We live in an age when all


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With The Stars Of ‘Heated Rivalry’

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-the-stars-of-heated-rivalry/

Published: January 12, 2026 17:21

Hockey romance Heated Rivalry has been renewed for Season 2. The Onion sat down with breakout stars Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams to discuss the hit series. The Onion: How did you prepare for your roles? Storrie: I worked with a kissing coach eight


One Of Nation’s Oldest Newspapers Shutters After Almost 240 Years

https://theonion.com/one-of-nations-oldest-newspapers-shutters-after-almost-240-years/

Published: January 12, 2026 16:51

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, one of the nation’s oldest newspapers with roots dating back to 1786, will cease all operations after years of financial losses and labor disputes, with the closure leaving a major local news void. What do you think? The post


You’re Bidding Against BlackRock

https://theonion.com/youre-bidding-against-blackrock/

Published: January 12, 2026 14:00

This charming property offers the perfect blend of comfort and convenience, which is exactly why it’s going to be purchased by the world’s largest asset manager. Good luck! Maybe they’ll rent it to you. Reference #68370 The post You’re Bidding Against


Study Finds Crows Able To Recognize Faces Had Work Done

https://theonion.com/study-finds-crows-able-to-recognize-faces-had-work-done/

Published: January 12, 2026 14:00

ITHACA, NY—Revealing the bird species has the capacity to detect botox, fillers, and even laser hair removal, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Avian Biology found that crows are able to recognize faces that have had work done. “It’s clear from


Archaeologists: D.C. Capitol May Have Once Been Used For Legislating

https://theonion.com/archaeologists-d-c-capitol-may-have-once-been-used-for-legislating/

Published: January 12, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery the “clearest proof yet” of how the U.S. government was originally designed to function, archaeologists published new evidence Thursday that suggests the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., may have once been used for


Foreskin Scrapbooked

https://theonion.com/foreskin-scrapbooked/

Published: January 12, 2026 14:00

MILL VALLEY, CA—Having proudly removed the piece of shriveled penile flesh from its bag and laid it next to her large selection of craft supplies, local mother Emily Taylor spent the afternoon scrapbooking her son’s foreskin, wincing sources reported


Caleb Williams Signals Boisterous Chicago Home Crowd To Eat Less Loudly

https://theonion.com/caleb-williams-signals-boisterous-chicago-home-crowd-to-eat-less-loudly/

Published: January 11, 2026 01:00

CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy


DHS Releases Watchlist Of Mothers Driving Cars

https://theonion.com/dhs-releases-watchlist-of-mothers-driving-cars/

Published: January 9, 2026 18:41

WASHINGTON—Circulating a new advisory that highlighted what it called the “worst of the worst,” the Department of Homeland Security released a watchlist Friday warning Americans about the presence of mothers driving cars. “Please be on the lookout for the


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-stephen-miller/

Published: January 9, 2026 16:48

White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump’s hard-line policies, including a “zero tolerance” immigration system, the Muslim ban, and, most recently, threats to annex Greenland. The Onion sat down


Timeline Of U.S. Interventions In Latin America

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-u-s-interventions-in-latin-america/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

The Trump administration’s strikes on Venezuela are part of a long history of American involvement in the region. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S. interventions in Latin America.  500 B.C. So far so good. 1899 The United Fruit Company begins its


Ken Burns Announces New 10-Part ‘Mr. Biscuits’ Documentary After Adopting Cat

https://theonion.com/ken-burns-announces-new-10-part-mr-biscuits-documentary-after-adopting-cat/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

WALPOLE, NH—Revealing that the series would force Americans to rethink everything they thought they knew about the “cute little fuzzball,” filmmaker Ken Burns announced Friday the release of Mr. Biscuits, a 10-part documentary about the cat he adopted from


Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors

https://theonion.com/fox-news-sends-trump-quarterly-tithe-of-3-blond-anchors/

Published: January 9, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Saying the sumptuous gift should slake the administration’s thirst for the next few months, Fox News sent President Donald Trump its quarterly tithe of three blond anchors, White House sources confirmed Friday. “We have traveled south to the


U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements

https://theonion.com/u-k-bans-junk-food-advertisements/

Published: January 8, 2026 21:46

The United Kingdom banned junk food advertisements on television before 9 p.m. and at any time online, part of a drive to tackle childhood obesity. What do you think? The post U.K. Bans Junk Food Advertisements appeared first on The Onion.

Fact-Checking The Trump Administration On Venezuela

https://theonion.com/fact-checking-the-trump-administration-on-venezuela/

Published: January 8, 2026 19:17

President Donald Trump has made a number of claims about the future of Venezuela since U.S. special forces raided the country and captured President Nicolás Maduro and his wife. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s statements. Claim: The U.S.


DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism

https://theonion.com/dhs-warns-any-action-by-americans-will-be-treated-as-domestic-terrorism/

Published: January 8, 2026 18:52

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent who fatally shot 37-year-old Minneapolis resident Renee Good as she drove away from him was “fully justified,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned Thursday that any action


RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-recommends-drinking-anything-that-comes-out-of-cow/

Published: January 8, 2026 16:46

WASHINGTON—Claiming that most people only get a fraction of the benefits the “nutritional gold mine” has to offer, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued new dietary guidelines this week encouraging Americans to drink anything that comes out of a