RSS Parrot

Last-Ever Global Warming Report Released For Posterity

https://theonion.com/last-ever-global-warming-report-released-for-posterity/

Published: July 14, 2026 20:03

The post Last-Ever Global Warming Report Released For Posterity appeared first on The Onion.

Lindsey Graham’s Sister To Serve Remainder Of Term

https://theonion.com/lindsey-grahams-sister-to-serve-remainder-of-term/

Published: July 14, 2026 19:06

Darline Graham Nordone, the sister of late Senator Lindsey Graham, has been tapped to serve the remainder of his term that ends in January, despite no prior political experience. What do you think? The post Lindsey Graham’s Sister To Serve Remainder Of…

Geologist Reunited With Beloved Rock He Studied 20 Years Ago

https://theonion.com/geologist-reunited-with-beloved-rock-he-studied-20-years-ago/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

SPOKANE VALLEY, WA—Experiencing a range of emotions from excitement to joy to nostalgia, 49-year-old geologist Alan Hargroder was reportedly reunited Tuesday with a beloved rock that he had studied over 20 years earlier. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it…

Christopher Nolan Recalls Building Fully Practical Tom Holland For ‘The Odyssey’

https://theonion.com/christopher-nolan-recalls-building-fully-practical-tom-holland-for-the-odyssey/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Touting his commitment to authentic visual effects, filmmaker Christopher Nolan revealed Tuesday that he built a fully practical Tom Holland for his latest film, The Odyssey. “When you see Telemachus standing on the terrace overlooking Ithaca,…

Tim Wallace

https://theonion.com/tim-wallace/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

Tim Wallace, 56, has gone to be with the Lord. He is survived by 1.4 billion Chinese people, among others. The post Tim Wallace appeared first on The Onion.

All Things Musk Pass

https://theonion.com/all-things-musk-pass/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

The post All Things Musk Pass appeared first on The Onion.

Sara Lee Farm CEO Uploads Consciousness Into Loaf Of Bread

https://theonion.com/sara-lee-farm-ceo-uploads-consciousness-into-loaf-of-bread/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

The post Sara Lee Farm CEO Uploads Consciousness Into Loaf Of Bread appeared first on The Onion.

Newborn Baby Can Already Tell Parents’ Genetics Not Going To Do Him Any Favors

https://theonion.com/newborn-baby-can-already-tell-parents-genetics-not-going-to-do-him-any-favors/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

LAS VEGAS—Expressing frustration after interacting with the unsightly couple during his first few minutes in the world, local newborn Charles “Charlie” Womack could reportedly already tell Tuesday that his parents’ genetics were not going to do him any…

Kash Patel Calls For Public’s Help Using Computer

https://theonion.com/kash-patel-calls-for-publics-help-using-computer/

Published: July 14, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Urging anyone with knowledge of the electronic device to come forward, FBI Director Kash Patel issued a statement Tuesday asking for the public’s help using the computer. “If any Americans have information related to the operation of a Lenovo…

Lindsey Graham’s Will Orders Estate To Start War With Azerbaijan

https://theonion.com/lindsey-grahams-will-orders-estate-to-start-war-with-azerbaijan/

Published: July 13, 2026 20:32

WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the…

Paramedics Praised For Being Too Late To Save Lindsey Graham

https://theonion.com/paramedics-praised-for-being-too-late-to-save-lindsey-graham/

Published: July 13, 2026 20:20

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that every second counted during a cardiac episode, doctors on Monday praised first responders for being too late to save Lindsay Graham from an aortic dissection. “Paramedics had a very short window to save Sen. Graham, and…

FDA Study Claims Arsenic, Lead In Tampons Not Harmful

https://theonion.com/fda-study-claims-arsenic-lead-in-tampons-not-harmful/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

A U.S. Food and Drug Administration study concluded that trace amounts of heavy metals found in tampons, including lead and arsenic, are not released during use at levels high enough to be harmful. What do you think? The post FDA Study Claims Arsenic, Lead…

Nation’s Alcoholics Spontaneously Share List Of Places Where It’s Okay To Drink

https://theonion.com/nations-alcoholics-spontaneously-share-list-of-places-where-its-okay-to-drink/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Launching into the address without any preamble or provocation, the nation’s alcoholics held a spontaneous press conference Monday to share a list of places where it’s okay to drink. “Bars are the obvious first choice, but once the uptight…

Adam Silver Acknowledges Declining Ratings May Have Something To Do With How He Looks

https://theonion.com/adam-silver-acknowledges-declining-ratings-may-have-something-to-do-with-how-he-looks/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Admitting that he might bear some responsibility for the NBA’s recent struggles, commissioner Adam Silver acknowledged Tuesday that the league’s declining ratings could very well have something to do with how he looks. “Unfortunately, we’ve…

Susan Rios and Nick Dawson

https://theonion.com/susan-rios-and-nick-dawson/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

These roommates were accidentally married Wednesday after getting high and going to City Hall to apply for an exotic pet license. The post Susan Rios and Nick Dawson appeared first on The Onion.

‘Time To Become Immortal,’ Announces RFK Jr., Exposing Perineum Atop Solar Tower

https://theonion.com/time-to-become-immortal-announces-rfk-jr-exposing-perineum-atop-solar-tower/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

SAN BERNARDINO COUNTY, CA—Tugging down his blue jeans as tens of thousands of heliostat mirrors angled the noonday sun in his direction, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was reportedly overheard saying “Time to become immortal”…

Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR?

https://theonion.com/why-do-we-have-a-meeting-with-hr/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

The post Why Do We Have A Meeting With HR? appeared first on The Onion.

Boat Safety Tips

https://theonion.com/boat-safety-tips/

Published: July 13, 2026 13:00

According to the Coast Guard, more than 500 lives are lost annually in recreational boating accidents on U.S. waterways. The Onion shares tips for safely operating a boat. To ensure clear passage, tape permit signs to the water where you plan to boat 48…

Turkish President Gives Handguns To NATO Leaders

https://theonion.com/turkish-president-gives-handguns-to-nato-leaders/

Published: July 11, 2026 13:00

To showcase his nation’s defense industry, President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of Türkiye presented each NATO leader with a Turkish-made revolver engraved with their name, as well as six rounds of live ammunition. What do you think? The post Turkish President…

GOP Allies Claim They Met With Mitch McConnell Inside Body Bag

https://theonion.com/gop-allies-claim-they-met-with-mitch-mcconnell-inside-body-bag/

Published: July 10, 2026 19:56

WASHINGTON—Relieved that their colleague appeared to be the very same man they’d known for years, allies of Sen. Mitch McConnell told reporters Friday they had recently met with the seven-term Kentucky Republican inside a body bag. “Like so many Americans,…

Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities

https://theonion.com/neil-the-seal-killed-in-shootout-with-authorities/

Published: July 10, 2026 18:44

SEVEN MILE BEACH, AUSTRALIA—In a shocking and violent scene that left the local marine mammal dead and dozens of others injured, Neil the Seal was reportedly killed in a shootout Friday with authorities in Tasmania. According to eyewitnesses, the…

Secret Service Urges Trump Not To Use Qatari-Gifted Jet Pack

https://theonion.com/secret-service-urges-trump-not-to-use-qatari-gifted-jet-pack/

Published: July 10, 2026 18:34

WASHINGTON—Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate, the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. “While we certainly understand…

World Cup Reinvigorates Nation’s Interest In Kicking Things

https://theonion.com/world-cup-reinvigorates-nations-interest-in-kicking-things/

Published: July 10, 2026 16:44

WASHINGTON—Having been provided with a powerful reminder that legs were not merely for standing around on, millions of Americans confirmed Friday that the World Cup had reinvigorated their interest in kicking things. “Seeing all these guys kicking balls on…

Taylor Swift Returns From Honeymoon To Find Jack Antonoff Squatting In House

https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-returns-from-honeymoon-to-find-jack-antonoff-squatting-in-house/

Published: July 10, 2026 15:53

NEW YORK—Her eyes widening with horror as she took in the sight of the wrinkled hoodies and an upside-down electric keyboard strewn across the foyer, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly returned from her honeymoon Friday to find producer Jack Antonoff…

Chelsea Evans and Ben Franks

https://theonion.com/chelsea-evans-and-ben-franks/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

The groom knew he had found his future wife the moment he saw the words “NO LIARS OR DRUG ADDICTS” on the bride’s Bumble profile. The post Chelsea Evans and Ben Franks appeared first on The Onion.

FIFA Admits It Has No Idea Why Soccer Players Walk Out On Field With Little Kids

https://theonion.com/fifa-admits-it-has-no-idea-why-soccer-players-walk-out-on-field-with-little-kids/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Confessing total ignorance as to the origins of the mystifying ritual, FIFA admitted Friday it has absolutely no idea why soccer players routinely walk out onto the field accompanied by a group of little kids. “For a while now, the World Cup games…

Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over?

https://theonion.com/why-is-dad-pulling-the-car-over/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

The post Why Is Dad Pulling The Car Over? appeared first on The Onion.

French Heat Wave Kills Hundreds Of Thousands Of Chickens

https://theonion.com/french-heat-wave-kills-hundreds-of-thousands-of-chickens/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

A record heat wave in France has caused the deaths of an estimated several hundred thousand chickens, overwhelming the country’s rendering plants. What do you think? The post French Heat Wave Kills Hundreds Of Thousands Of Chickens appeared first on The…

Man Binge-Watches Entire Movie In One Sitting

https://theonion.com/man-binge-watches-entire-movie-in-one-sitting/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing embarrassment at the sheer amount of time that had passed, local man Evan Pfister reportedly binge-watched an entire movie in one sitting on Friday. “Wow, I must have been staring at this screen for hours. Well, almost hours. An…

All The Features Of Meta’s AI Glasses

https://theonion.com/all-the-features-of-metas-ai-glasses/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

Tech giant Meta continues to push its AI smart glasses, including with a new ad campaign featuring Kylie Jenner. Here are all the features of the wearable device: Hands-free doxxing 70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators…

Italy Issues Travel Ban On Italian Americans

https://theonion.com/italy-issues-travel-ban-on-italian-americans/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

ROME—Calling the emergency order a direct response to “an imminent national threat,” Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni issued a travel ban Wednesday restricting the entry of Italian Americans into the country. “Effective immediately, the Italian…

USDA Fills Key Advisory Role With Prominent Chewing Skeptic

https://theonion.com/usda-fills-key-advisory-role-with-prominent-chewing-skeptic/

Published: July 10, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—In a move that has drawn widespread criticism from health experts across the country, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Tuesday that it had filled a key advisory role with a prominent chewing skeptic. “MAHA influencer Brad Holclaw has…

Planned Parenthood Regains Federal Funding

https://theonion.com/planned-parenthood-regains-federal-funding/

Published: July 9, 2026 22:26

Planned Parenthood regained access to federal funding for non-abortion care after a ban in the One Big Beautiful Bill Act was not renewed, the result of Republican legislative priorities being directed elsewhere. What do you think? The post Planned…

‘Love Island’ Contestant Under Fire After Newly Surfaced Photos Show Him Wearing Shirt

https://theonion.com/love-island-contestant-under-fire-after-newly-surfaced-photos-show-him-wearing-shirt/

Published: July 9, 2026 20:48

MAMANUCA ISLANDS, FIJI—In a revelation that prompted widespread calls for producers to remove him from the reality show’s villa, Love Island USA contestant Bryce Dettloff reportedly found himself under fire Thursday after newly surfaced photos showed the…

DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist

https://theonion.com/dnc-vows-to-replace-graham-platner-with-establishment-rapist/

Published: July 9, 2026 17:59

The post DNC Vows To Replace Graham Platner With Establishment Rapist appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About The Live-Action ‘Moana’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-the-live-action-moana/

Published: July 9, 2026 14:55

Disney’s live-action remake of Moana comes to theaters this weekend, a decade after the original animated film was released. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie. Q: Who is the target audience? A: Nostalgic 12-year-olds hoping to…

Sue Klepper

https://theonion.com/sue-klepper/

Published: July 9, 2026 13:00

Sue Klepper, 90, passed away surrounded by family, friends, and a registered nurse who was kind of just awkwardly hanging around. The post Sue Klepper appeared first on The Onion.

National Opera Lays Off 200 Phantoms

https://theonion.com/national-opera-lays-off-200-phantoms/

Published: July 9, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Aiming to cut costs after a poor fiscal quarter, Washington National Opera general director Timothy O’Leary announced plans Monday to lay off 200 phantoms effective immediately. “In these difficult times, we can no longer afford to keep all the…

NASA Discovers Concerning Lump On Mars

https://theonion.com/nasa-discovers-concerning-lump-on-mars/

Published: July 9, 2026 13:00

PASADENA, CA—In an unsettling discovery that scientists described as a “potential cause for alarm,” NASA officials confirmed Monday that they had found a concerning lump on Mars. “It’s a large, unmovable mass on Mars that appears firm to the touch, with…

One Day I Woke Up And There Were Two Of Me

https://theonion.com/one-day-i-woke-up-and-there-were-two-of-me/

Published: July 9, 2026 13:00

Growing up, I was always encouraged to be myself. I was taught that every person is different, and that our uniqueness is a great gift. This firm sense of self served me well as I embarked upon a career as a real estate agent, home renovator, and TV…

LeBron James Realizes He Left Brand-New Stick Of Deodorant In Lakers Locker

https://theonion.com/lebron-james-realizes-he-left-brand-new-stick-of-deodorant-in-lakers-locker/

Published: July 8, 2026 22:08

LOS ANGELES—Audibly whispering “no, no, no” as his mind flashed back to the toiletry item he had neglected to retrieve amid his exit from the Los Angeles Lakers, NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly panicked Wednesday upon remembering that he had left a…

Graham Platner Clarifies He Covered Penis With Tattoo After Learning About Its Troubling History

https://theonion.com/graham-platner-clarifies-he-covered-penis-with-tattoo-after-learning-about-its-troubling-history/

Published: July 8, 2026 20:12

The post Graham Platner Clarifies He Covered Penis With Tattoo After Learning About Its Troubling History appeared first on The Onion.

Yak Hopes They Never Stop Making Grass

https://theonion.com/yak-hopes-they-never-stop-making-grass/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

BAGLUNG, NEPAL—Claiming he could eat the stuff every day and still not get tired of it, local yak Henry Cunningham expressed his sincere hope Tuesday that they never stop making grass. “Man, after a long day on the plateau, nothing hits the spot like a big…

Jillian

https://theonion.com/jillian/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

This house goes by Jillian. Reference #5455426 The post Jillian appeared first on The Onion.

Crowd Boos After Little Boy Steals Foul Ball From Adorable 42-Year-Old Man

https://theonion.com/crowd-boos-after-little-boy-steals-foul-ball-from-adorable-42-year-old-man/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

ST. LOUIS—Expressing their shock and outrage at the selfish display, attendees at Thursday’s St. Louis Cardinals game reportedly erupted in boos after a little boy callously stole a foul ball from an adorable 42-year-old man. “Whoa, did you see what that…

Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell

https://theonion.com/scientists-create-first-synthetic-cell/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

University of Minnesota scientists have created the first-ever synthetic cell, called SpudCell, which is able to feed, grow, and replicate as if it were naturally occurring. What do you think? The post Scientists Create First Synthetic Cell appeared first…

TJ Maxx Adds Meat

https://theonion.com/tj-maxx-adds-meat/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

FRAMINGHAM, MA—In an effort to provide customers with an ever-wider variety of merchandise at steep discounts, executives at TJ Maxx announced Tuesday that the off-price retail chain had begun selling meat in all of its stores. Visits to multiple TJ Maxx…

History Of Boy Bands

https://theonion.com/history-of-boy-bands/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

BTS is back and embarking on a massive world tour. In honor of the K-pop group, The Onion takes a look at the history of boy bands. 1294 King Philip IV figures it’d be funny to make all the eunuchs sing. 1945 1,600 Nazi boy band scientists brought to the…

Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice

https://theonion.com/caroline-watters-and-kevin-rice/

Published: July 8, 2026 13:00

In a touching tribute, the couple were married in the very same church the bride’s grandparents had driven by once. The post Caroline Watters and Kevin Rice appeared first on The Onion.

Report: Trump Made $1.4 Billion As President Off Selling Tupperware To Friends

https://theonion.com/report-trump-made-1-4-billion-as-president-off-selling-tupperware-to-friends/

Published: July 7, 2026 16:57

WASHINGTON—Raising questions over the ethics of profiting in private business ventures while still holding office, a report released Tuesday found that President Donald Trump has made almost  $1.4 billion in his second term selling Tupperware to friends.…

Study: Average Woman Prefers Partner Who Is Member Of ZZ Top

https://theonion.com/study-average-woman-prefers-partner-who-is-member-of-zz-top/

Published: July 7, 2026 15:55

HOUSTON—A new study published Thursday by researchers at the University of Houston revealed that the average American woman vastly prefers a romantic partner who is a member of ZZ Top. “While emotional intelligence and a sense of humor factor into their…

Critics Hail New Minions Movie As A Love Letter To Minions

https://theonion.com/critics-hail-new-minions-movie-as-a-love-letter-to-minions/

Published: July 7, 2026 15:50

LOS ANGELES—In reviews that urge fans nostalgic for the hyperactive yellow creatures’ glory days to rush to their local theaters, critics across the nation are hailing the new Minions movie as a love letter to Minions. “This is, first and foremost, a…

NBC Unveils Interactive Chicago Pop-Up To Promote Procedural Franchise

https://theonion.com/nbc-unveils-interactive-chicago-pop-up-to-promote-procedural-franchise/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Touting the temporary installation as a chance to get totally immersed in the network’s popular dramas, NBC unveiled an interactive Chicago pop-up Tuesday to promote its procedural franchise. “Fans of Chicago Fire, Chicago P.D., and Chicago Med…

Trump Sees Hunter Biden   Smoking Crack On Wing Of Air Force One

https://theonion.com/trump-sees-hunter-biden-smoking-crack-on-wing-of-air-force-one/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—After he rubbed his eyes and blinked to confirm he wasn’t dreaming or seeing things, President Donald Trump stated Thursday that he had spotted Hunter Biden smoking crack on the wing of Air Force One. “There’s—my God, I can’t believe it—Hunter…

Thou Shalt Not Kilt

https://theonion.com/thou-shalt-not-kilt/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

The post Thou Shalt Not Kilt appeared first on The Onion.

Don Carnegie

https://theonion.com/don-carnegie/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

Don Carnegie, 53, was loved, but not $32-million-in-Bitcoin-ransom loved. The post Don Carnegie appeared first on The Onion.

MTA Rider Gives Up Seat To Pregnant Rat

https://theonion.com/mta-rider-gives-up-seat-to-pregnant-rat/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

The post MTA Rider Gives Up Seat To Pregnant Rat appeared first on The Onion.

MLB Players Share Their ‘Welcome To The Show’ Moment

https://theonion.com/mlb-players-share-their-welcome-to-the-show-moment/

Published: July 7, 2026 13:00

Reaching the majors is every ballplayer’s dream, but actually arriving in the Show can be overwhelming. We asked some of MLB’s biggest stars to tell us when it truly hit them that they had made the big leagues. Roman Anthony: “It was my very first pitch. A…

Hostess Discontinues Physical Twinkies

https://theonion.com/hostess-discontinues-physical-twinkies/

Published: July 6, 2026 20:06

ORRVILLE, OH—Stressing that the change in the product line was a necessary adjustment to keep apace in the digital age, snack food manufacturer Hostess announced Monday that it would discontinue physical Twinkies. “While we know fans have been collecting…

Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings

https://theonion.com/adam-sandler-unwinds-after-busy-weekend-officiating-6-back-to-back-weddings/

Published: July 6, 2026 18:54

The post Adam Sandler Unwinds After Busy Weekend Officiating 6 Back-To-Back Weddings appeared first on The Onion.

Mom Packs Son’s Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks

https://theonion.com/mom-packs-sons-lunch-box-with-leftover-fireworks/

Published: July 6, 2026 18:26

The post Mom Packs Son’s Lunch Box With Leftover Fireworks appeared first on The Onion.

California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels

https://theonion.com/california-bans-sell-by-food-labels/

Published: July 6, 2026 13:00

California banned the use of “sell by” labels on food packaging in an effort to cut down on food waste caused by consumers misinterpreting its meaning. What do you think? The post California Bans ‘Sell By’ Food Labels appeared first on The Onion.

Brood Of Disney Child Stars Emerges From Ground

https://theonion.com/brood-of-disney-child-stars-emerges-from-ground/

Published: July 6, 2026 13:00

BURBANK, CA—Tunneling upward out of the darkness where they had lain in wait for13 years, the latest brood of Disney child stars reportedly emerged from the ground Monday, filling the air with their mindless droning.  Thousands of spunky young actors, part…