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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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State Department Reinstates Times New Roman Font Over DEI Concerns

https://theonion.com/state-department-reinstates-times-new-roman-font-over-dei-concerns/

Published: December 19, 2025 15:57

Secretary of State Marco Rubio ordered diplomatic correspondences to cease the use of Calibri font and revert to Times New Roman, attributing the previous change by the Biden Administration to misguided diversity initiatives. What do you think? The post


Hockey Players Blast ‘Heated Rivalry’ For Unrealistic Depiction Of Anal Sex

https://theonion.com/hockey-players-blast-heated-rivalry-for-unrealistic-depiction-of-anal-sex/

Published: December 19, 2025 15:56

TORONTO—Accusing the HBO drama of egregiously misrepresenting their experiences off the ice, the National Hockey League Players’ Association blasted Heated Rivalry Friday for what it described as incredibly unrealistic depictions of anal sex between


Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family

https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/

Published: December 19, 2025 14:00

WAYNE, NE—After coming together and pooling resources to save Christmas for the town’s most impoverished family, a tight-knit Nebraska community reportedly did jack shit this week to make the holiday better for its second-poorest family. “Getting to see


Trump Announces New ‘Dodger Dividend’ For Anyone Who Avoided Military Service

https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-dodger-dividend-for-anyone-who-avoided-military-service/

Published: December 18, 2025 18:58

WASHINGTON—Praising the recipients for their acts of true American cowardice, President Donald Trump proudly announced a new “Dodger Dividend” on Wednesday night for anyone who successfully avoided military service. “Today, we celebrate the millions of


Aldi CEO Chased Off From Whole Foods Dumpsters

https://theonion.com/aldi-ceo-chased-off-from-whole-foods-dumpsters/

Published: December 18, 2025 14:00

NAPERVILLE, IL—Scurrying into the alley as employees chased her with a broom, Aldi CEO Atty McGrath reportedly had to be shooed away Tuesday after she was seen rummaging through the dumpsters behind a local Whole Foods. “We keep finding her rooting around


Political Profile: Jack Schlossberg

https://theonion.com/political-profile-jack-schlossberg/

Published: December 18, 2025 14:00

Jack Schlossberg, who is best known for his provocative social media presence and for being the grandson of John F. Kennedy, announced a run for U.S. Congress. Here’s everything you need to know about the Democrat. Core Belief: Americans are sicker of


New Research Reveals Ancient Egyptians Received Significant Help From Parents While Building Pyramids

https://theonion.com/new-research-reveals-ancient-egyptians-received-significant-help-from-parents-while-building-pyramids/

Published: December 18, 2025 14:00

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery of how anyone could afford the gigantic structures, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Eastern Mediterranean Archaeology And Heritage Studies revealed that ancient Egyptians received


Report Finds More Americans Using GoFundMe For Basic Necessities

https://theonion.com/report-finds-more-americans-using-gofundme-for-basic-necessities/

Published: December 17, 2025 19:31

Fundraising website GoFundMe reported a sharp uptick in the number of people using the platform to help cover the cost of basic necessities, including housing, food, and other day-to-day expenses. What do you think? The post Report Finds More Americans


Joe Flacco’s Wife Dresses As Giant Football To Spice Things Up In Bedroom

https://theonion.com/joe-flaccos-wife-dresses-as-giant-football-to-spice-things-up-in-bedroom/

Published: December 17, 2025 18:52

CINCINNATI—Saying she thought it might be fun if they tried something a little different, Dana Grady, wife of Bengals quarterback Joe Flacco, reportedly dressed in a giant football costume Tuesday night in an effort to spice things up in the bedroom. “I


Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups

https://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/

Published: December 17, 2025 14:00

CAMDEN, NJ—Revealing that the products offered customers multiple protection options in a delicious range of flavors, food processing giant Campbell’s announced Thursday it had launched a new line of self-defense soups. “Whether you attach the can to a


MS NOW Lures New Viewers With Rotating Gyro Spit In Corner Of Screen

https://theonion.com/ms-now-lures-new-viewers-with-rotating-gyro-spit-in-corner-of-screen/

Published: December 17, 2025 14:00

NEW YORK—In a continuation of their post-MSNBC rebranding effort, cable news network MS NOW was reportedly luring in new viewers Wednesday with a slowly rotating gyro spit in the corner of all its programming. “With linear TV viewership in decline and


Coworker Returning From European Vacation Brings Back Latvian Man For Everyone To Share

https://theonion.com/coworker-returning-from-european-vacation-brings-back-latvian-man-for-everyone-to-share/

Published: December 17, 2025 14:00

MINNEAPOLIS—Excitedly revealing to the staff that she had a special surprise, local data analyst Kayla Herrera reportedly delighted coworkers Wednesday upon returning from Europe by bringing back a Latvian man for everyone to share. “I couldn’t get enough


Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’

https://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/

Published: December 16, 2025 14:00

ST. PAUL, MN—Noting that the traditional carol had undergone an unmistakably hardcore sonic shift, a new report published Tuesday found that the presence of an electric guitar means you can be pretty damn sure that what you’re listening to is not your


RagĂș Unveils Sensory Deprivation Marinara Tank

https://theonion.com/ragu-unveils-sensory-deprivation-marinara-tank/

Published: December 16, 2025 14:00

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Claiming the new offering would revolutionize the use of pasta sauce in stress reduction and pain relief, RagĂș officials unveiled a new sensory deprivation marinara tank at a press event Friday. “This lightproof, soundproof vat filled with


Congress Allocates $45 Million To Hang Fairy Lights Along U.S. Border

https://theonion.com/congress-allocates-45-million-to-hang-fairy-lights-along-u-s-border/

Published: December 16, 2025 14:00

WASHINGTON—Citing an urgent need to spruce up the country’s drab perimeter, Congress allocated $45 million Tuesday to hang fairy lights along the U.S. border. “This funding will go a long way toward making our great nation even cozier,” said Rep. Sam


Cackling Referee Declares Penalty For Pass Interference Shall Be 10,000 Years Of Winter

https://theonion.com/cackling-referee-declares-penalty-for-pass-interference-shall-be-10000-years-of-winter/

Published: December 16, 2025 01:30

PITTSBURGH—Raising his hands before him as his eyes turned ominously white, the referee of the Steelers–Dolphins game was heard to let out a blood-curdling cackle Monday before declaring the penalty for defensive pass interference would be “no fewer than


‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

https://theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-regularly-happens-3/

Published: December 15, 2025 17:14

PROVIDENCE, RI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Rhode Island in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly


In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System

https://theonion.com/in-n-out-removes-67-from-ordering-system/

Published: December 15, 2025 16:18

In-N-Out Burger quietly removed “67” from its order call-out system nationwide, apparently to deter youths from erupting into cheers when the number was announced. What do you think? The post In-N-Out Removes ‘67’ From Ordering System appeared first on The


Timeline Of Katy Perry And Justin Trudeau’s Relationship

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-katy-perry-and-justin-trudeaus-relationship/

Published: December 15, 2025 14:00

Former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and pop star Katy Perry confirmed their status as a couple after a number of public sightings sparked rumors of a romance. The Onion presents a timeline of the pair’s relationship. A.D. 1100 The couple’s common


Gal Gadot Assures Casting Agent She Can Play AI Roles

https://theonion.com/gal-gadot-assures-casting-agent-she-can-play-ai-roles/

Published: December 15, 2025 14:00

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing her ability to meet the film industry’s evolving needs, actress Gal Gadot reportedly assured a casting agent Monday that she was more than capable of playing AI roles. “I’ve been told for years I bring a certain lifelessness to my


How To Keep Your Christmas Tree Fresh

https://theonion.com/how-to-keep-your-christmas-tree-fresh/

Published: December 15, 2025 14:00

With the holiday season getting longer every year, Americans nationwide are searching for methods to ensure the focal point of their decor remains healthy and vibrant through Dec. 25 and beyond. Here are tips on how to keep your Christmas tree fresh.


Merriam-Webster Accused Of Bias After ‘Dictionary’ Named Word Of The Year

https://theonion.com/merriam-webster-accused-of-bias-after-dictionary-named-word-of-the-year/

Published: December 15, 2025 14:00

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Facing intense backlash and scrutiny from critics who say the reference book publisher had failed to take all words into consideration, Merriam-Webster was accused of bias Monday after officially selecting ‘dictionary’ as its 2025 word of


New Eras Tour Docuseries Offers Rare Look At Taylor Swift

https://theonion.com/new-eras-tour-docuseries-offers-rare-look-at-taylor-swift/

Published: December 12, 2025 19:48

BURBANK, CA—Drawing back the curtain on the reclusive and mysterious life of the multiplatinum recording artist, Disney+ premiered a new six-part Eras Tour documentary Friday that offers a rare look at Taylor Swift. “Fans might know Taylor Swift’s music,


Study Finds Humans Made Fire 400,000 Years Ago

https://theonion.com/study-finds-humans-made-fire-400000-years-ago/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

Researchers discovered 400,000-year-old hearth remains in what is now England, indicating early humans practiced deliberate fire-setting far earlier than previously thought. What do you think? The post Study Finds Humans Made Fire 400,000 Years Ago


Grandchildren Politely Decline David Cronenberg’s Bedtime Story Offer

https://theonion.com/grandchildren-politely-decline-david-cronenbergs-bedtime-story-offer/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

TORONTO—Assuring the 82-year-old filmmaker they could fall asleep perfectly fine without one, David Cronenberg’s grandchildren politely declined their grandfather’s offer to tell them a bedtime story, sources confirmed Monday. “Oh, that’s okay,


What To Know About ‘Hamnet’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-hamnet/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

Hamnet, based on the 2020 novel by Maggie O’Farrell, is an awards season frontrunner with six Golden Globe nominations. Here is everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who stars in it? A: Paul Mescal plays fuckable Shakespeare and Jessie Buckley


Heidi Moyer and Ted Chun

https://theonion.com/heidi-moyer-and-ted-chun/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

The happy couple were married by a City Hall clerk Saturday due to a nationwide pastor strike entering its sixth crippling month. The post Heidi Moyer and Ted Chun appeared first on The Onion.

Trump Blames High Prices On The Price

https://theonion.com/trump-blames-high-prices-on-the-price/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism over his failure to alleviate the affordability crisis facing many Americans, President Donald Trump vehemently blamed high prices Friday on the price. “Prices are prices—that’s how much it costs,” said Trump, calling


This Your Best One Yet, Report Nation’s Sycophants

https://theonion.com/this-your-best-one-yet-report-nations-sycophants/

Published: December 12, 2025 14:00

WASHINGTON—As they nodded their heads in approval and echoed the sentiment that “you really knocked it out of the park,” all 130 million of the nation’s sycophants expressed their firm belief that this was your best one yet, sources confirmed Friday. “We


Man Rides Disneyland Attraction 15,000 Times

https://theonion.com/man-rides-disneyland-attraction-15000-times/

Published: December 11, 2025 22:21

A Disney superfan celebrated his 15,000th ride on the Cars-themed Radiator Springs Racers at Disney California Adventure, having documented every go-around since 2012. What do you think? The post Man Rides Disneyland Attraction 15,000 Times appeared first


Trump Calls Groceries ‘A Hoax’

https://theonion.com/trump-calls-groceries-a-hoax/

Published: December 11, 2025 20:38

MOUNT POCONO, PA—Delivering a highly anticipated speech about the state of the economy, President Donald Trump doubled down this week on his claim that groceries were a hoax perpetrated by Democrats. “They have this new word, they’re calling it


Artist Profile: Katseye

https://theonion.com/artist-profile-katseye/

Published: December 11, 2025 17:03

Girl group Katseye is nominated for two awards at the 2026 Grammys, including Best New Artist. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the group. Genre: Popular girl’s bat mitzvah Number Of Members: Four full-time and two who don’t know they’re


Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist

https://theonion.com/study-finds-80-of-americans-lack-social-connections-to-pull-off-heist/

Published: December 11, 2025 16:48

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness, a team of psychologists at Yale University found that at least 80% of Americans lack the social connections necessary to pull off a heist. “When it comes to putting


Mom’s Eyes Roll Back In Head At Dinner Table As She Feeds On Family’s Enjoyment Of Food

https://theonion.com/moms-eyes-roll-back-in-head-at-dinner-table-as-she-feeds-on-familys-enjoyment-of-food/

Published: December 11, 2025 14:00

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Her body seizing with energy after hearing the request from her youngest son to pass the asparagus, local mother Christina Nadler’s eyes reportedly rolled back in her head Thursday as she fed on her family’s enjoyment of the dinner she had


The Best And Worst ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ Episodes Of All Time

https://theonion.com/the-best-and-worst-greys-anatomy-episodes-of-all-time/

Published: December 11, 2025 14:00

Grey’s Anatomy first premiered on March 27, 2005. In honor of 20 years on the air and the series’ upcoming 22nd season, The Onion looks back on some of the medical drama’s best and worst episodes of all time. Best: “Patrick Dempsey Lists the Major Symptoms


​​General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping

https://theonion.com/general-secretary-of-the-chinese-communist-party-xi-jinping/

Published: December 11, 2025 14:00

General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will never tell you that. The post ​​General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping


Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category

https://theonion.com/golden-globes-introduces-best-podcast-category/

Published: December 10, 2025 19:08

The Golden Globe Awards announced the addition of a new best podcast category, with the inaugural nominees avoiding podcasts that are controversial and politically charged. What do you think? The post Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category appeared


Harris Thompson and Brad Chase

https://theonion.com/harris-thompson-and-brad-chase/

Published: December 10, 2025 14:00

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar. The post Harris Thompson and Brad Chase appeared first on The Onion.

As Featured In Film

https://theonion.com/as-featured-in-film/

Published: December 10, 2025 14:00

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete. Reference #90835 The post As Featured In Film appeared first on The Onion.

Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

https://theonion.com/customer-service-discloses-call-will-be-monitored-for-sadistic-amusement/

Published: December 10, 2025 14:00

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By


Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

https://theonion.com/can-you-guys-come-pick-me-up-i-accidentally-returned-to-mars/

Published: December 10, 2025 14:00

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up


Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

https://theonion.com/study-finds-young-people-now-watch-more-youtube-content-than-zoetropes-of-galloping-horses/

Published: December 10, 2025 14:00

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. “It may be hard for older generations


Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief

https://theonion.com/faberge-egg-recovered-after-being-swallowed-by-thief/

Published: December 9, 2025 21:04

Police in New Zealand recovered a rare $19,000 Fabergé egg pendant swallowed by an alleged thief, with the pendant exiting his body naturally after six days of around-the-clock monitoring. What do you think? The post Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being


Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer

https://theonion.com/clinic-closures-force-more-rural-americans-to-rely-on-horse-who-stomps-twice-when-patient-has-cancer/

Published: December 9, 2025 21:03

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Trump administration’s decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a


Japanese Monk RacksBrain For Haiku That Will KnockThem On Their Asses

https://theonion.com/japanese-monk-racksbrain-for-haiku-that-will-knockthem-on-their-asses/

Published: December 9, 2025 14:00

HIRAIZUMI- CHƌ, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN— Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for a haiku to knock them on their asses. “I could mess them up with that Bashƍ one about the full moon’s


Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift

https://theonion.com/terry-gross-conducts-fresh-air-interview-on-bluetooth-during-uber-shift/

Published: December 9, 2025 14:00

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift. “And what


Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery

https://theonion.com/hometown-unveils-disappointing-microbrewery/

Published: December 9, 2025 14:00

BOERNE, TX—Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb were informed this week that their hometown had unveiled a disappointing local microbrewery. “You like those