RSS Parrot

BETA

🩜 Home - The Onion

@theonion.com@rss-parrot.net

I'm an automated parrot! I relay a website's RSS feed to the Fediverse. Every time a new post appears in the feed, I toot about it. Follow me to get all new posts in your Mastodon timeline! Brought to you by the RSS Parrot.

---

The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

Your feed and you don't want it here? Just e-mail the birb.

Site URL: theonion.com

Feed URL: theonion.com/feed

Posts: 31

Followers: 528

Cornell Tries Going By Different Name

https://theonion.com/cornell-tries-going-by-different-name/

Published: October 8, 2026 18:44

ITHACA, NY—In an aggressive attempt to distance itself from an alleged sexual assault at one of its fraternity houses, Cornell University hastily announced Thursday that it was now going by a different name. “We determined that the best way forward was a


Biggest Supreme Court Cases This Term

https://theonion.com/biggest-supreme-court-cases-this-term/

Published: October 8, 2026 17:31

This week the Supreme Court began a new term, and there are several consequential cases on the docket. The Onion previews some of the most important cases being heard by the justices in the coming months. Apple v. Epic Games : The suit over Apple’s App


Starbucks Announces New Teen-Free Hours For Nervous Adults Who Just Want To Redeem Birthday Reward

https://theonion.com/starbucks-announces-new-teen-free-hours-for-nervous-adults-who-just-want-to-redeem-birthday-reward/

Published: October 8, 2026 16:35

SEATTLE—In an effort to lure back self-conscious adult customers, Starbucks officials announced this week that locations across the country would introduce new teen-free hours for nervous adults who just wanted to redeem their birthday rewards. “Stop by


Conversation About Non-Monogamy Chock-Full Of Animal Facts

https://theonion.com/conversation-about-non-monogamy-chock-full-of-animal-facts/

Published: October 8, 2026 15:30

HOULTON, ME—Saying the discussion felt more like something out of National Geographic than a heart-to-heart, local woman Elise Figueroa confirmed Thursday that a conversation about non-monogamy with her husband, Marcus, was chock-full of animal facts. “I’m


All Right, All Right, You Guys Have Won Me Over

https://theonion.com/all-right-all-right-you-guys-have-won-me-over/

Published: October 8, 2026 13:00

I’ve never been the type of guy to change his mind easily. Back in my mujahedeen days, my buddies would always point out how stubborn I was—they couldn’t get me to budge on anything! But even the most gung-ho jihadist knows there comes a time to reevaluate


Phrase ‘It’s Been Real’ Pushes Already Great Hangout With Friend Into Heretofore Unknown Levels Of Bliss

https://theonion.com/phrase-its-been-real-pushes-already-great-hangout-with-friend-into-heretofore-unknown-levels-of-bliss/

Published: October 7, 2026 16:58

BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss, sources confirmed


‘Ted Lasso’ Fans Told That Show Going ‘Bye-Bye’ For A Bit

https://theonion.com/ted-lasso-fans-told-that-show-going-bye-bye-for-a-bit/

Published: October 7, 2026 16:55

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and girls,


Trump Mails $90 Checks To Seniors

https://theonion.com/trump-mails-90-checks-to-seniors/

Published: October 7, 2026 13:00

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the


Time Travelers From Year 2376  Warn Of Future    Where America   Still Perfect

https://theonion.com/time-travelers-from-year-2376-warn-of-future-where-america-still-perfect/

Published: October 7, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still


Dennis Hastert Dies

https://theonion.com/dennis-hastert-dies/

Published: October 6, 2026 20:26

Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think? The post Dennis Hastert Dies appeared first


NBA Reminds Rookies Not To Blow First Paycheck On Big-Ass Snake

https://theonion.com/nba-reminds-rookies-not-to-blow-first-paycheck-on-big-ass-snake/

Published: October 6, 2026 20:15

NEW YORK—Urging incoming players to avoid the financial pitfalls that have derailed so many promising careers, the NBA reportedly reminded rookies Tuesday not to blow their first paycheck on a big-ass snake. “The first time you see all those zeroes in your


Pros And Cons Of Using Peptides

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-using-peptides/

Published: October 6, 2026 16:10

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and MAHA influencers have promoted the use of peptides, short-chain amino acids with a range of purported but often unsubstantiated health benefits. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these supplements. PRO Have


DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms

https://theonion.com/dnc-releases-preemptive-autopsy-into-why-they-lost-midterms/

Published: October 6, 2026 16:08

WASHINGTON—In an effort to get ahead of the forthcoming criticisms of how they squandered such a commanding lead in the polls, the Democratic National Committee released a preemptive autopsy Tuesday into why their party lost the 2026 midterm elections.


Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’

https://theonion.com/smiling-unblinking-tom-cruise-just-wants-to-know-why-nation-didnt-see-digger/

Published: October 5, 2026 19:06

WASHINGTON—Faced with a weekend of dismal ticket sales that ranked among the worst in the megastar’s career, a smiling, unblinking Tom Cruise calmly stated Monday that he just wanted to know why the nation didn’t turn out to see his new movie Digger.


Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him

https://theonion.com/trump-drops-bombshell-evidence-biden-actively-campaigned-against-him/

Published: October 5, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—During an address to the nation Tuesday in which he claimed to have obtained definitive proof that the election was stolen, President Donald Trump presented bombshell evidence showing his opponent Joe Biden actively campaigned against him


Trump’s Triumphal Arch By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/trumps-triumphal-arch-by-the-numbers/

Published: October 5, 2026 13:00

Trump has directed his administration to build a triumphal arch in Washington, D.C., to commemorate the nation’s 250th anniversary. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the new monument. 4 Barrons tall at highest point 17 Engraved typos 1


Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies

https://theonion.com/letterboxd-holds-seance-to-ask-james-dean-his-4-favorite-movies/

Published: October 2, 2026 13:00

AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND—Holding hands in a circle as candles flickered and water glasses trembled, employees of film discovery platform Letterboxd reportedly held a sĂ©ance Friday to ask James Dean his four favorite movies. “Spirit of Mr. Dean, we’ve got the


Tips For Increasing Your Fiber Intake

https://theonion.com/tips-for-increasing-your-fiber-intake/

Published: October 2, 2026 13:00

Social media has ignited a recent surge in health-conscious Americans trying to up their fiber consumption. The Onion provides tips for maximizing the amount of fiber in your diet: Scrutinize food labels for phrases like “gut buster” and “organ hell.”


Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries

https://theonion.com/six-flags-closes-x2-roller-coaster-due-to-brain-injuries/

Published: October 1, 2026 20:48

Six Flags Magic Mountain permanently closed its famous X2 roller coaster due to a history of riders incurring brain injuries, with some resulting in death. What do you think? The post Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries appeared first


Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis

https://theonion.com/dude-wipes-introduces-new-flushable-khakis/

Published: October 1, 2026 13:00

CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his slacks, but


Artist Profile: Madonna

https://theonion.com/artist-profile-madonna/

Published: October 1, 2026 13:00

Madonna took home seven awards at the VMAs on Sunday, making her the night’s biggest winner. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Madonna’s return to the spotlight.  Age: Physically pains your mom to hear Biggest Hit: Goes on for a minute too