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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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Site URL: theonion.com

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Posts: 38

Followers: 515

Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns

https://theonion.com/senators-vote-to-withhold-own-pay-during-government-shutdowns/

Published: May 16, 2026 13:00

The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think? The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay


Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It

https://theonion.com/study-most-men-believe-they-could-seduce-bear-if-life-depended-on-it/

Published: May 15, 2026 19:40

DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended


Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry

https://theonion.com/study-finds-neanderthals-performed-dentistry/

Published: May 15, 2026 16:36

A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think? The post Study Finds Neanderthals Performed


Aaron Petrov

https://theonion.com/aaron-petrov/

Published: May 15, 2026 13:00

Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party. The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.

Trump: Americans’ Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations

https://theonion.com/trump-americans-economic-pain-not-a-consideration-in-iran-negotiations/

Published: May 14, 2026 20:41

President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed “not even a little bit,” insisting his only concern was preventing the Middle East nation from procuring a nuclear weapon.


What To Know About ‘Off Campus’

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-off-campus/

Published: May 14, 2026 17:45

Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show.  Q: What is it about? A: An “opposites attract” relationship between two college students who are


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With JD Vance

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-jd-vance/

Published: May 14, 2026 13:00

Thanks to his swift rise from first-term Ohio senator to next-in-line for the presidency, JD Vance is thought by many to represent the vanguard of the Republican Party. The Onion sat down with the vice president to discuss his views on faith, the Trump


Man Horrified To Find Self Seeking Community Online

https://theonion.com/man-horrified-to-find-self-seeking-community-online/

Published: May 14, 2026 13:00

FORT WAYNE, IN—Upon realizing his most meaningful social interactions now took place among people he had never actually encountered in the flesh, local man Andrew Riley confided to reporters Wednesday that he was horrified to find himself seeking community


Dad Demands Youth Coach Play Unathletic Son Less

https://theonion.com/dad-demands-youth-coach-play-unathletic-son-less/

Published: May 14, 2026 13:00

UKIAH, CA—Calling the blatant display of favoritism unfair to both his child and the other players on the field, local father David McKenzie reportedly stormed over to the sidelines of an ongoing youth soccer game Saturday afternoon to demand that the


Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell

https://theonion.com/tara-knox-and-sean-blackwell/

Published: May 14, 2026 13:00

Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell: The civil union brings Blackwell’s lifetime dating record to 3-14-1. The post Tara Knox and Sean Blackwell appeared first on The Onion.

‘Sports Illustrated’ Removes Distracting Models From Swimsuit Edition

https://theonion.com/sports-illustrated-removes-distracting-models-from-swimsuit-edition/

Published: May 13, 2026 21:30

NEW YORK—In an effort to focus on the incredible array of bathing suits featured in its pages, Sports Illustrated announced Wednesday that it would be removing all the distracting models from the magazine’s swimsuit edition. “It has come to our attention


U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support

https://theonion.com/u-s-revokes-passports-of-parents-who-owe-child-support/

Published: May 13, 2026 18:11

The State Department has begun revoking passports of parents who owe a significant amount in unpaid child support, beginning with those owing $100,000 or more. What do you think? The post U.S. Revokes Passports Of Parents Who Owe Child Support appeared


Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home

https://theonion.com/passengers-from-hantavirus-stricken-cruise-ship-return-home/

Published: May 13, 2026 18:10

Passengers aboard the cruise ship at the epicenter of a deadly hantavirus outbreak have returned to their home countries, where they will be quarantined and monitored. What do you think? The post Passengers From Hantavirus-Stricken Cruise Ship Return Home


Susan Westbrook

https://theonion.com/susan-westbrook/

Published: May 13, 2026 13:00

Susan Westbrook, 54, passed away Sunday after not shaking well something she was supposed to shake well. The post Susan Westbrook appeared first on The Onion.

CIA Under Fire For Arming Group Of Rowdy 7-Year-Olds

https://theonion.com/cia-under-fire-for-arming-group-of-rowdy-7-year-olds/

Published: May 13, 2026 13:00

LANGLEY, VA—In the wake of an operation condemned by critics as a reckless provocation that fails to heed the lessons of history, the Central Intelligence Agency came under fire Friday for arming a group of rowdy 7-year-olds in the town of Heronburg, OH.


Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off

https://theonion.com/great-for-streaming-tv-and-jerking-off/

Published: May 13, 2026 13:00

Look, we all know how most people live their lives these days, so let’s not beat around the bush and pretend you need a nice home for entertaining and shit like that. Reference #538518 The post Great For Streaming TV And Jerking Off appeared first on The


Ben Landau and William Roth

https://theonion.com/ben-landau-and-william-roth/

Published: May 12, 2026 13:00

Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn. The post Ben Landau and William Roth appeared first on The Onion.

‘Sidewalk Closed’ Sign Leaves Pedestrians Frightened, Wandering Helplessly

https://theonion.com/sidewalk-closed-sign-leaves-pedestrians-frightened-wandering-helplessly/

Published: May 12, 2026 13:00

CHICAGO—Plunged into sudden disarray and confusion, pedestrians on Augusta Boulevard were reportedly left frightened and wandering helplessly Monday after encountering a bright orange “Sidewalk Closed” sign. According to witnesses, a growing crowd of


Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool’s Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry

https://theonion.com/trump-slammed-for-replacing-reflecting-pools-original-coconut-flavor-with-blue-raspberry/

Published: May 11, 2026 21:41

WASHINGTON—Calling it a shocking attack on our nation’s cultural heritage, critics slammed President Donald Trump Monday for his decision to replace the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool’s original coconut flavor with blue raspberry. “For more than a


What To Know About Hantavirus

https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-hantavirus/

Published: May 11, 2026 17:51

Three people have died and others have fallen ill after contracting hantavirus aboard a Dutch-owned luxury cruise ship. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the illness. Q: What are the symptoms of hantavirus? A: It starts with feeling


Taylor Swift Adds Additional Wedding Dates In L.A., Miami, Boston

https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-adds-additional-wedding-dates-in-l-a-miami-boston/

Published: May 11, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—In an effort to meet growing demand for her nuptials, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced on Instagram Friday that additional dates for her wedding had been added in Los Angeles, Miami, and Boston. “I’m so excited to bring this special night to


Authorities Unearth Mass Grave Of Trump Advisors

https://theonion.com/authorities-unearth-mass-grave-of-trump-advisors/

Published: May 11, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Authorities in the nation’s capital reportedly unearthed the bodies of more than 150 former Trump advisors Thursday after a worker stumbled upon what appeared to be a mass grave on the grounds of the White House. Investigators were called to the


Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child

https://theonion.com/karoline-leavitt-announces-birth-of-child/

Published: May 11, 2026 13:00

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced the birth of a baby girl in an Instagram post, saying her new daughter Viviana was “perfect and healthy.” What do you think? The post Karoline Leavitt Announces Birth Of Child appeared first on The


Your DoppelgĂ€nger’s House

https://theonion.com/your-doppelgangers-house/

Published: May 11, 2026 13:00

Your DoppelgĂ€nger’s House: Aspirational home, complete with loving wife and daughter. You look and sound enough like him that they would never suspect a thing. Reference #83057 The post Your DoppelgĂ€nger’s House appeared first on The Onion.

Masturbating Man Keeping Eye On Game

https://theonion.com/masturbating-man-keeping-eye-on-game/

Published: May 11, 2026 13:00

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Though he focused the majority of his attention on stroking and squeezing his genitalia, sources confirmed that local masturbating man Kenneth Carter still managed to keep an eye on Thursday night’s game between the Golden State Warriors and


WWII Veteran Standing On Field Not Planned

https://theonion.com/wwii-veteran-standing-on-field-not-planned/

Published: May 9, 2026 23:00

KANSAS CITY, MO—Shuffling quietly near the third-base line as security officials scrambled to piece together a response, a frail uniformed World War II veteran standing on the field at Kauffman Stadium was not part of any planned ceremony, a spokesperson