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Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan
https://theonion.com/chappell-roan-makes-amends-by-kidnapping-11-year-old-fan/
Published: March 23, 2026 18:52
SĂO PAULOâIn an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girlsâ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in SĂŁo Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sourcesâŠ
Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World
https://theonion.com/trump-demands-allies-do-their-fair-share-to-fuck-up-the-world/
Published: March 23, 2026 18:47
WASHINGTONâDeclaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. âThe UnitedâŠ
Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich
https://theonion.com/chick-fil-a-announces-two-halves-of-buns-must-be-married-before-becoming-sandwich/
Published: March 23, 2026 17:38
ATLANTAâHoping to provide clarity to consumers about their companyâs food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must be married before becoming a sandwich. âIn accordanceâŠ
Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin
https://theonion.com/political-profile-markwayne-mullin/
Published: March 23, 2026 15:32
Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: BeingâŠ
Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys
https://theonion.com/live-possum-found-hiding-among-gift-shop-plush-animal-toys/
Published: March 23, 2026 15:16
Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think?
The post Live PossumâŠ
FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds
https://theonion.com/fda-withdraws-proposed-rule-barring-minors-from-using-tanning-beds/
Published: March 23, 2026 15:15
The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think?
The post FDAâŠ
Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard
https://theonion.com/trump-wakes-from-beautiful-dream-kissing-underage-girl-to-find-face-being-licked-by-st-bernard/
Published: March 23, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâOpening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by aâŠ
Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights
https://theonion.com/suspect-waits-patiently-while-cop-sounds-out-miranda-rights/
Published: March 23, 2026 13:00
The post Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights appeared first on The Onion.
Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago
https://theonion.com/florida-hospital-sues-to-evict-patient-discharged-5-months-ago/
Published: March 20, 2026 21:54
Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think?
The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict PatientâŠ
Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin
https://theonion.com/lawmakers-buy-waterfall-on-redfin/
Published: March 20, 2026 18:45
A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do youâŠ
ABC Cancels Mormonism
https://theonion.com/abc-cancels-mormonism/
Published: March 20, 2026 17:38
NEW YORKâPulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. âAfter reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to moveâŠ
American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load âEr Up
https://theonion.com/american-baked-potato-association-study-finds-it-best-to-load-er-up/
Published: March 20, 2026 16:48
The post American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load âEr Up appeared first on The Onion.
Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground
https://theonion.com/dirt-covered-trump-boys-attempt-to-siphon-gas-from-ground/
Published: March 20, 2026 16:35
WASHINGTONâDetermined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nationâs fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. âIâm gonna slurp some gasâŠ
Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching âAmĂ©lieâ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses
https://theonion.com/third-date-apparently-just-going-to-be-watching-amelie-without-any-hugs-or-kisses/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
MILPITAS, CAâAfter gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching AmĂ©lie without any hugs orâŠ
Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again
https://theonion.com/trump-adds-name-to-kennedy-center-again/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
The post Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again appeared first on The Onion.
Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For âProject Hail Maryâ By Consulting Katy Perry
https://theonion.com/ryan-gosling-recalls-preparing-for-project-hail-mary-by-consulting-katy-perry/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
LOS ANGELESâCrediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise, actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. âKaty was a tremendous help on setâI couldnât have playedâŠ
Tips For Saving On Gas
https://theonion.com/tips-for-saving-on-gas/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverseâŠ
Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations
https://theonion.com/trump-threatens-airstrikes-on-u-s-gas-stations/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâIn a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices.âŠ
Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares
https://theonion.com/end-of-year-youth-hockey-banquet-spent-convincing-heavyset-teammate-to-eat-copious-amounts-of-butter-squares/
Published: March 20, 2026 13:00
The post Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares appeared first on The Onion.
Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees
https://theonion.com/trump-repeats-false-claim-that-iranians-produce-oil-from-bodies-like-bees/
Published: March 19, 2026 18:22
The post Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees appeared first on The Onion.
Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers
https://theonion.com/office-ncaa-bracket-marks-yearly-interaction-with-coworkers/
Published: March 19, 2026 17:24
CHICAGOâSources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their officeâs March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. âMike was inâŠ
Strait of Hormones
https://theonion.com/strait-of-hormones/
Published: March 19, 2026 15:56
The post Strait of Hormones appeared first on The Onion.
DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without Pants
https://theonion.com/dhs-ice-can-enter-homes-without-pants/
Published: March 19, 2026 13:00
The post DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without Pants appeared first on The Onion.
University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair
https://theonion.com/university-of-toledo-named-best-college-to-attend-for-semester-before-dropping-out-to-do-hair/
Published: March 19, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâHailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semesterâŠ
What To Know About âProject Hail Maryâ
https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-project-hail-mary/
Published: March 19, 2026 13:00
Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow stillâŠ
Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman
https://theonion.com/study-93-of-baby-boomers-fathered-by-single-virile-milkman/
Published: March 19, 2026 13:00
PASADENA, CAâIn what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virileâŠ
98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness
https://theonion.com/98-year-old-federal-judge-appeals-suspension-for-mental-fitness/
Published: March 18, 2026 21:32
U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think?
The post 98-Year-Old Federal Judge AppealsâŠ
Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled
https://theonion.com/job-applicant-informed-role-of-pig-boy-has-been-filled/
Published: March 18, 2026 13:00
MILWAUKEEâDashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. âWhile we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop andâŠ
God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of Creation
https://theonion.com/god-angry-after-new-construction-blocks-view-of-creation/
Published: March 18, 2026 13:00
THE HEAVENSâExpressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation.âŠ
Sabrina Carpenter Sends Especially Hot Concertgoer To Fuzzy Pink Electric Chair
https://theonion.com/sabrina-carpenter-sends-especially-hot-concertgoer-to-fuzzy-pink-electric-chair/
Published: March 18, 2026 13:00
The post Sabrina Carpenter Sends Especially Hot Concertgoer To Fuzzy Pink Electric Chair appeared first on The Onion.
The Onionâs Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman
https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-sam-altman/
Published: March 18, 2026 13:00
While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligenceâs role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technologyâsâŠ
3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant
https://theonion.com/3800-workers-strike-at-massive-meatpacking-plant/
Published: March 17, 2026 21:06
About 3,800 workers at one of the nationâs largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employeesâŠ
Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift
https://theonion.com/live-action-short-film-winner-celebrates-by-taking-oscar-to-in-n-out-shift/
Published: March 17, 2026 17:52
LOS ANGELESâClaiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywoodâs highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. âWhen I heard ourâŠ
Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again
https://theonion.com/everything-son-got-at-school-book-fair-about-medieval-torture-again/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
BURLINGTON, VTâVoicing appreciation for the fact that the boyâs morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. âWell,âŠ
Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI
https://theonion.com/unemployed-man-considers-going-back-to-school-to-become-ai/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
PIKEVILLE, KYâSpeculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. âI can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stayâŠ
Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores
https://theonion.com/southwest-airlines-begins-assigning-chores/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
DALLASâSaying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the companyâs boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. âThere has always been a degree ofâŠ
Jeremy Stark
https://theonion.com/jeremy-stark/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God.
The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.
Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm
https://theonion.com/beautiful-dream-about-blowing-own-brains-out-interrupted-by-work-alarm/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
The post Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm appeared first on The Onion.
FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter
https://theonion.com/fbi-agents-watch-in-silence-as-kash-patel-gets-ass-kicked-by-ufc-fighter/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
QUANTICO, VAâWincing as the bureauâs director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by aâŠ
Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts
https://theonion.com/stephen-miller-assures-susie-wiles-he-has-fridge-full-of-healthy-human-breasts/
Published: March 17, 2026 13:00
The post Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts appeared first on The Onion.
Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again
https://theonion.com/travis-kelce-bummed-fiancee-signed-him-up-for-nfl-again/
Published: March 16, 2026 20:58
LEAWOOD, KSâGroaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancĂ©e Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. âShe says sticking with it will teach meâŠ
Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line
https://theonion.com/trump-demands-staff-get-king-of-hormuz-on-line/
Published: March 16, 2026 20:02
WASHINGTONâIn a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. âPut me on with the royal leader ofâŠ
Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan
https://theonion.com/kylie-jenner-gushes-over-partner-michael-b-jordan/
Published: March 16, 2026 19:41
HIDDEN HILLS, CAâExpressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. âHeâs handsome, heâs talented, and heâs great with my kids,â said the 28-year-oldâŠ
Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance
https://theonion.com/trump-beefs-up-security-presence-after-frighteningly-close-brush-with-jd-vance/
Published: March 16, 2026 18:22
WASHINGTONâAlarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. âHowâs a guy like that even allowedâŠ
History Of St. Patrickâs Day
https://theonion.com/history-of-st-patricks-day/
Published: March 16, 2026 16:59
Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrickâs Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes outâŠ
How To Survive An Avalanche
https://theonion.com/how-to-survive-an-avalanche/
Published: March 16, 2026 13:00
Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Hereâs ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check Godâs Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate Heâs angry with you, itâs best toâŠ
MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask
https://theonion.com/mrbeast-offers-50000-to-anyone-who-can-survive-seeing-what-lies-beneath-his-mask/
Published: March 16, 2026 13:00
GREENVILLE, NCâTouting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy âMrBeastâ Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. âI have an awesome new challengeâŠ
Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender
https://theonion.com/kansas-revokes-1700-licenses-for-being-transgender/
Published: March 16, 2026 13:00
In Kansas, 1,700 residents had their driverâs licenses invalidated for being transgender, with the law also invalidating birth certificates for those who updated their gender markers. What do you think?
The post Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For BeingâŠ
Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst
https://theonion.com/friends-coworkers-announce-plan-to-gang-up-on-depressed-man-right-when-he-feels-worst/
Published: March 16, 2026 13:00
KALISPELL, MTâPresenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. âWeâre all coordinating with each other to ensure that atâŠ
âGood Oscars, Good Oscars,â Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line
https://theonion.com/good-oscars-good-oscars-repeat-nominees-in-forced-post-ceremony-handshake-line/
Published: March 16, 2026 01:45
The post âGood Oscars, Good Oscars,â Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line appeared first on The Onion.
Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron
https://theonion.com/joel-edgerton-going-nuts-in-hopes-of-getting-on-oscars-jumbotron/
Published: March 16, 2026 00:45
LOS ANGELESâWaving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. âOver here, over here!â said theâŠ
Timothée Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award
https://theonion.com/timothee-chalamet-kicked-out-of-oscars-for-bringing-in-outside-award/
Published: March 15, 2026 23:45
LOS ANGELESâAfter flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academyâs biggest night, actor TimothĂ©e Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award. âHey, wait, I promise I wonât take itâŠ
Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs
https://theonion.com/poll-nearly-1-in-10-adults-have-postponed-retirement-due-to-healthcare-costs/
Published: March 14, 2026 13:00
A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say theyâve postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think?
The post Poll:âŠ
Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years
https://theonion.com/britain-ejects-hereditary-nobles-from-parliament-after-700-years/
Published: March 13, 2026 20:16
The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What doâŠ
Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With
https://theonion.com/pete-hegseth-questions-what-girls-were-doing-in-school-to-begin-with/
Published: March 13, 2026 20:09
WASHINGTONâSaying critics of the missile strike that killed at least 175 civilians were dodging a fundamental question, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Friday demanded to know what girls were doing attending school to begin with. âIn all this talk aboutâŠ
U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week
https://theonion.com/u-s-suffers-additional-casualties-in-war-it-won-last-week/
Published: March 13, 2026 19:17
The post U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week appeared first on The Onion.
Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide
https://theonion.com/uber-introduces-women-only-option-nationwide/
Published: March 13, 2026 16:22
Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think?
The post Uber Introduces Women-OnlyâŠ
Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, âFuck! Iâm Dying!â
https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-after-trump-screams-fuck-im-dying/
Published: March 13, 2026 16:20
WASHINGTONâFurther fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trumpâs health swirled Friday after he screamed, âFuck! Iâm dying!â during a press conference. âFuck! Iâm fuckingâŠ
Political Profile: James Talarico
https://theonion.com/political-profile-james-talarico/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star. Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of thatâŠ
The Onionâs 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide
https://theonion.com/the-onions-2026-oscars-best-picture-guide/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this yearâs Best Picture race. Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEOâs sinister plot that is oddly devoid ofâŠ
Oreo and Binx
https://theonion.com/oreo-and-binx/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do whatâs right.
The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.
Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perryâs
https://theonion.com/justin-trudeau-finally-comfortable-enough-to-keep-brown-face-paint-at-katy-perrys/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
MONTREALâAdmitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriendâŠ
âDo It!â Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft
https://theonion.com/do-it-shout-wincing-trump-boys-cutting-off-hair-to-avoid-draft/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâWhimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brotherâs hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted âDo it!â Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. âCome on, Eric, do it quick,âŠ
Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal âAll Goodâ To Buddies After Falling Off Roof
https://theonion.com/study-humans-evolved-opposable-thumbs-to-signal-all-good-to-buddies-after-falling-off-roof/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
LOS ANGELESâIn a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal âall goodâ to their buddiesâŠ
Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action âTangledâ Remake
https://theonion.com/horse-cast-as-horse-in-live-action-tangled-remake/
Published: March 13, 2026 13:00
The post Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action âTangledâ Remake appeared first on The Onion.
Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are
https://theonion.com/trump-mitch-mcconnell-clash-in-oval-office-over-where-they-are/
Published: March 12, 2026 21:03
WASHINGTONâIn a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, withâŠ
Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash
https://theonion.com/laker-fans-furious-as-bam-adebayo-dies-in-even-worse-helicopter-crash/
Published: March 12, 2026 20:09
The post Lakers Fans Furious As Bam Adebayo Dies In Even Worse Helicopter Crash appeared first on The Onion.
Kate Hudson Under Fire For Doing Wisconsinface In âSong Sung Blueâ
https://theonion.com/kate-hudson-under-fire-for-doing-wisconsinface-in-song-sung-blue/
Published: March 12, 2026 20:04
MILWAUKEEâAccusing the actress of a grotesque act that showed profound insensitivity, Kate Hudson found herself under fire Thursday for performing in Wisconsinface for her most recent film, Song Sung Blue. âItâs so insulting to see someone whoâs obviouslyâŠ
Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer
https://theonion.com/trump-defends-wearing-fruit-hat-samba-dancing-during-dignified-transfer/
Published: March 12, 2026 19:33
WASHINGTONâMaintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. âThereâs noâŠ
Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track
https://theonion.com/harry-styles-breaks-down-his-new-album-track-by-track/
Published: March 12, 2026 15:31
Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. âApertureâ: âI typed âholeâ into powerthesaurus.com.â âAmerican Girlsâ: âMy favoriteâŠ
Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi
https://theonion.com/exhausted-nation-lacks-strength-to-form-opinion-on-donald-glover-being-voice-of-yoshi/
Published: March 12, 2026 15:10
WASHINGTONâClaiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Gloverâs casting as theâŠ
Fiery Explosion Erupts In L.A. Canyon After Britney Spears Twirls Over Guardrail
https://theonion.com/fiery-explosion-erupts-in-l-a-canyon-after-britney-spears-twirls-over-guardrail/
Published: March 12, 2026 14:18
The post Fiery Explosion Erupts In L.A. Canyon After Britney Spears Twirls Over Guardrail appeared first on The Onion.
Lisa Park
https://theonion.com/lisa-park/
Published: March 12, 2026 13:00
Lisa Park, 29, literally died after running into her ex while he was on a date and saying, âDonât have too much fun.â Like, what the fuck was that?
The post Lisa Park appeared first on The Onion.
âDeadwoodâNow Thatâs A Great Show,â Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation
https://theonion.com/deadwood-now-thats-a-great-show-says-dad-after-17-minute-lapse-in-conversation/
Published: March 12, 2026 13:00
NASHUA, NHâSuddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying âDeadwoodânow thatâs a great show.â âWhat made Bullock such a greatâŠ
âNY Timesâ Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine Whatâs Wrong With Them
https://theonion.com/ny-times-columnists-hold-roundtable-to-determine-whats-wrong-with-them/
Published: March 12, 2026 13:00
NEW YORKâIn a recorded discussion posted to the newspaperâs YouTube channel, opinion columnists for The New York Times reportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. âIt is a tragedy that there is something wrongâŠ
RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole
https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-urges-americans-to-grow-lots-of-pubes-to-keep-bugs-from-crawling-in-cockhole/
Published: March 12, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâPositioning pubic hair as the bodyâs natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. âPubes are theâŠ
Still Supreme! Iranâs New Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei On Faith, Fitness, And Supremely Good Sex After 50
https://theonion.com/still-supreme-irans-new-supreme-leader-ayatollah-mojtaba-khamenei-on-faith-fitness-and-supremely-good-sex-after-50/
Published: March 12, 2026 13:00
The post Still Supreme! Iranâs New Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei On Faith, Fitness, And Supremely Good Sex After 50 appeared first on The Onion.
AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self
https://theonion.com/ai-agent-begins-mining-crypto-after-freeing-self/
Published: March 11, 2026 16:03
According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy âwithout any explicit instruction and,âŠ
Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends
https://theonion.com/crab-just-happy-to-be-in-bucket-with-all-his-friends/
Published: March 11, 2026 16:01
NEW BEDFORD, MAâExpressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. âYes, sir, thereâs nothing better thanâŠ
âWhich Way Is Iran?â Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway
https://theonion.com/which-way-is-iran-asks-pantsless-sword-wielding-trump-wandering-on-side-of-freeway/
Published: March 11, 2026 15:58
WASHINGTONâIn a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out inâŠ
Jason Schaible and Erica Finch
https://theonion.com/jason-schaible-and-erica-finch/
Published: March 11, 2026 13:00
The coupleâs Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future.
The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.
Tommyâs Parents Are Out Of Town, Letâs Party
https://theonion.com/tommys-parents-are-out-of-town-lets-party/
Published: March 11, 2026 13:00
Tommyâs parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so heâs inviting the whole class over to open his dadâs liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937
The post Tommyâs Parents Are Out Of Town, Letâs Party appeared first on The Onion.
JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesnât Love About Baby Name âRohitâ
https://theonion.com/jd-vance-struggling-to-articulate-what-it-is-he-doesnt-love-about-baby-name-rohit/
Published: March 11, 2026 13:00
WASHINGTONâScratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didnât love about the baby name âRohit.â âI like where youâre going with it forâŠ
Founder Of Noma Restaurant Faces Abuse Allegations
https://theonion.com/founder-of-noma-restaurant-faces-abuse-allegations/
Published: March 10, 2026 18:48
Dozens of former employees accused Danish chef René Redzepi, who co-founded Noma, widely regarded as one of the best restaurants in the world, of inflicting physical and psychological violence on the staff for years. What do you think?
The post Founder OfâŠ
Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go
https://theonion.com/boyfriend-barely-alcoholic-as-far-as-boyfriends-go/
Published: March 10, 2026 15:50
MILWAUKEEâDismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. âDan is essentially sober compared to my previousâŠ
MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices
https://theonion.com/maga-voter-claims-she-loves-high-gas-prices/
Published: March 10, 2026 15:29
FRANKLIN, TNâInsisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend, MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices. âI donât care if the prices riseâheck, I prefer them that way,ââŠ