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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan

Published: March 23, 2026 18:52

SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources


Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World

Published: March 23, 2026 18:47

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United


Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin

Published: March 23, 2026 15:32

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being


Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys

Published: March 23, 2026 15:16

Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think? The post Live Possum


FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds

Published: March 23, 2026 15:15

The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think? The post FDA


Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard

Published: March 23, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a


Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago

Published: March 20, 2026 21:54

Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think? The post Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient


Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin

Published: March 20, 2026 18:45

A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you


ABC Cancels Mormonism

Published: March 20, 2026 17:38

NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move


Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground

Published: March 20, 2026 16:35

WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas


Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘AmĂ©lie’ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses

Published: March 20, 2026 13:00

MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching AmĂ©lie without any hugs or


Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For ‘Project Hail Mary’ By Consulting Katy Perry

Published: March 20, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise, actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. “Katy was a tremendous help on set—I couldn’t have played


Tips For Saving On Gas

Published: March 20, 2026 13:00

Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse


Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations

Published: March 20, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices.


Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers

Published: March 19, 2026 17:24

CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in


University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair

Published: March 19, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester


What To Know About ‘Project Hail Mary’

Published: March 19, 2026 13:00

Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.  Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow still


Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman

Published: March 19, 2026 13:00

PASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile


98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness

Published: March 18, 2026 21:32

U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think? The post 98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals


Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled

Published: March 18, 2026 13:00

MILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. “While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and


God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of Creation

Published: March 18, 2026 13:00

THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation.


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman

Published: March 18, 2026 13:00

While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence’s role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology’s


3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant

Published: March 17, 2026 21:06

About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees


Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift

Published: March 17, 2026 17:52

LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. “When I heard our


Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again

Published: March 17, 2026 13:00

BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well,


Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI

Published: March 17, 2026 13:00

PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay


Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores

Published: March 17, 2026 13:00

DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of


Jeremy Stark

Published: March 17, 2026 13:00

Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God. The post Jeremy Stark appeared first on The Onion.

FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter

Published: March 17, 2026 13:00

QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a


Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again

Published: March 16, 2026 20:58

LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancĂ©e Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me


Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line

Published: March 16, 2026 20:02

WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of


Kylie Jenner Gushes Over Partner Michael B. Jordan

Published: March 16, 2026 19:41

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—Expressing her steadfast devotion to the Hollywood star, media personality Kylie Jenner was gushing to reporters Monday over her partner, Michael B. Jordan. “He’s handsome, he’s talented, and he’s great with my kids,” said the 28-year-old


History Of St. Patrick’s Day

Published: March 16, 2026 16:59

Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out


How To Survive An Avalanche

Published: March 16, 2026 13:00

Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here’s ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God’s Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He’s angry with you, it’s best to


Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender

Published: March 16, 2026 13:00

In Kansas, 1,700 residents had their driver’s licenses invalidated for being transgender, with the law also invalidating birth certificates for those who updated their gender markers. What do you think? The post Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being


Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst

Published: March 16, 2026 13:00

KALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at


Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron

Published: March 16, 2026 00:45

LOS ANGELES—Waving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. “Over here, over here!” said the


Timothée Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award

Published: March 15, 2026 23:45

LOS ANGELES—After flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academy’s biggest night, actor TimothĂ©e Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award. “Hey, wait, I promise I won’t take it


Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years

Published: March 13, 2026 20:16

The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What do


Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With

Published: March 13, 2026 20:09

WASHINGTON—Saying critics of the missile strike that killed at least 175 civilians were dodging a fundamental question, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Friday demanded to know what girls were doing attending school to begin with. “In all this talk about


Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide

Published: March 13, 2026 16:22

Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think? The post Uber Introduces Women-Only


Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, ‘Fuck! I’m Dying!’

Published: March 13, 2026 16:20

WASHINGTON—Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump’s health swirled Friday after he screamed, “Fuck! I’m dying!” during a press conference. “Fuck! I’m fucking


Political Profile: James Talarico

Published: March 13, 2026 13:00

James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.  Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that


The Onion’s 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide

Published: March 13, 2026 13:00

The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race.  Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of


Oreo and Binx

Published: March 13, 2026 13:00

You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what’s right. The post Oreo and Binx appeared first on The Onion.

‘Do It!’ Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft

Published: March 13, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother’s hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted “Do it!” Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. “Come on, Eric, do it quick,


Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal ‘All Good’ To Buddies After Falling Off Roof

Published: March 13, 2026 13:00

LOS ANGELES—In a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal “all good” to their buddies


Trump, Mitch McConnell Clash In Oval Office Over Where They Are

Published: March 12, 2026 21:03

WASHINGTON—In a heated exchange that laid bare a growing schism at the highest levels of Republican leadership, President Donald Trump and Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) reportedly clashed in the Oval Office Thursday over the question of where they were, with


Kate Hudson Under Fire For Doing Wisconsinface In ‘Song Sung Blue’

Published: March 12, 2026 20:04

MILWAUKEE—Accusing the actress of a grotesque act that showed profound insensitivity, Kate Hudson found herself under fire Thursday for performing in Wisconsinface for her most recent film, Song Sung Blue. “It’s so insulting to see someone who’s obviously


Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer

Published: March 12, 2026 19:33

WASHINGTON—Maintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. “There’s no


Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track

Published: March 12, 2026 15:31

Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. “Aperture”: “I typed ‘hole’ into powerthesaurus.com.” “American Girls”: “My favorite


Lisa Park

Published: March 12, 2026 13:00

Lisa Park, 29, literally died after running into her ex while he was on a date and saying, “Don’t have too much fun.” Like, what the fuck was that? The post Lisa Park appeared first on The Onion.

‘Deadwood—Now That’s A Great Show,’ Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation

Published: March 12, 2026 13:00

NASHUA, NH—Suddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying “Deadwood—now that’s a great show.” “What made Bullock such a great


‘NY Times’ Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What’s Wrong With Them

Published: March 12, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper’s YouTube channel, opinion columnists for The New York Times reportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. “It is a tragedy that there is something wrong


AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self

Published: March 11, 2026 16:03

According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy “without any explicit instruction and,


Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends

Published: March 11, 2026 16:01

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. “Yes, sir, there’s nothing better than


Jason Schaible and Erica Finch

Published: March 11, 2026 13:00

The couple’s Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future. The post Jason Schaible and Erica Finch appeared first on The Onion.

Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party

Published: March 11, 2026 13:00

Tommy’s parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he’s inviting the whole class over to open his dad’s liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937 The post Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party appeared first on The Onion.

JD Vance Struggling To Articulate What It Is He Doesn’t Love About Baby Name ‘Rohit’

Published: March 11, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Scratching his chin as he appeared to search for the right words, Vice President JD Vance reportedly struggled to articulate Wednesday what exactly it was that he didn’t love about the baby name “Rohit.” “I like where you’re going with it for


Founder Of Noma Restaurant Faces Abuse Allegations

Published: March 10, 2026 18:48

Dozens of former employees accused Danish chef René Redzepi, who co-founded Noma, widely regarded as one of the best restaurants in the world, of inflicting physical and psychological violence on the staff for years. What do you think? The post Founder Of


Boyfriend Barely Alcoholic As Far As Boyfriends Go

Published: March 10, 2026 15:50

MILWAUKEE—Dismissing the concerns of loved ones as seriously lacking in perspective, local woman Sara Heston, 32, argued Tuesday that her boyfriend was barely an alcoholic as far as boyfriends go. “Dan is essentially sober compared to my previous


MAGA Voter Claims She Loves High Gas Prices

Published: March 10, 2026 15:29

FRANKLIN, TN—Insisting that she hoped the spike in oil costs was only the beginning of a long upward trend, MAGA voter Kaitlyn Leonardi told reporters Tuesday that she loved high gas prices. “I don’t care if the prices rise—heck, I prefer them that way,”