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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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Cybertruck Discontinued

https://theonion.com/cybertruck-discontinued/

Published: November 10, 2026 21:19

Elon Musk announced that Tesla will cease production of the Cybertruck in 2027, diverting resources to increase manufacturing of the company’s self-driving taxi, the Cybercab. What do you think? The post Cybertruck Discontinued appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Unions

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-unions/

Published: November 10, 2026 20:07

Support for unions in the United States is the highest it’s been in decades, prompted by the rise of AI and income inequality. The Onion examines the pros and cons of labor unions. PRO They’re the only reason you’re not handcuffed to a mine cart right now.…

Jensen Huang Vents About Investigation To New Russian Girlfriend

https://theonion.com/jensen-huang-vents-about-investigation-to-new-russian-girlfriend/

Published: November 10, 2026 19:23

LOS ALTOS HILLS, CA—Ranting at length as he shared details about his stressful work life, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly vented to his new Russian girlfriend Tuesday about the ongoing corporate investigation into his conduct at the company. “I’m…

New Amazon Drone Hovers Above Customer Until They Order   Something

https://theonion.com/new-amazon-drone-hovers-above-customer-until-they-order-something/

Published: November 10, 2026 18:12

SEATTLE—With its announcement of a new technology that company executives touted as the future of online shopping, retail giant Amazon confirmed Thursday that it would launch a new fleet of drones that continuously hover above potential customers until…

Trump Gathers Cabinet In Situation Room To Watch Porn

https://theonion.com/trump-gathers-cabinet-in-situation-room-to-watch-porn/

Published: November 10, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—According to administration sources, President Donald Trump gathered his Cabinet in the White House Situation Room on Friday to watch pornography, staring at a large-screen TV with laser focus while his advisors sat around him in hushed silence.…

Graceland Celebrates First Elvis Born In Captivity

https://theonion.com/graceland-celebrates-first-elvis-born-in-captivity/

Published: November 10, 2026 14:00

MEMPHIS, TN—With a massive crowd gathering at the facility to witness a milestone event in the history of the species, Graceland celebrated this week as it welcomed the first-ever Elvis born in captivity. “After many years where we didn’t know if we would…

Entenmann’s CEO Announces He Happy To Share Donut Secrets With Chinese Spies In Exchange For Sex

https://theonion.com/entenmanns-ceo-announces-he-happy-to-share-donut-secrets-with-chinese-spies-in-exchange-for-sex/

Published: November 9, 2026 22:50

IRVING, TX— Revealing his openness to disclosing sensitive corporate information if properly incentivized, Entenmann’s CEO Larry Dunford announced Monday that he was happy to share donut-related secrets with Chinese spies in exchange for sex. “I’ll tell…

2026 Midterms ‘Blue Tsunami’ By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/2026-midterms-blue-tsunami-by-the-numbers/

Published: November 9, 2026 21:07

The Democrats retook the House, Senate, and many statewide offices after a massive wave of wins in the 2026 midterm election. The Onion breaks down the figures behind the Democrats’ “blue tsunami.” 54 Number of states Democrats now control ∞ Executive…

GOP Criticizes Trump For Promoting Stephen Miller Over Other, More Qualified Necrophiles

https://theonion.com/gop-criticizes-trump-for-promoting-stephen-miller-over-other-more-qualified-necrophiles/

Published: November 9, 2026 20:54

WASHINGTON—Calling it a shortsighted decision that he would come to regret during his final two years in office, members of the GOP criticized President Donald Trump Monday for promoting Stephen Miller to serve as chief of staff over other, more qualified…

Tom Cruise Wakes Up Sleep-Climbing Burj Khalifa

https://theonion.com/tom-cruise-wakes-up-sleep-climbing-burj-khalifa/

Published: November 9, 2026 17:37

DUBAI—Rubbing at his eyes carefully with one hand and murmuring “shit” under his breath as he watched one of his slippers tumble toward the ground over 500 meters below, actor Tom Cruise reportedly woke up Wednesday while sleep-climbing the Burj Khalifa.…

Only Memory Child Has Of $6,000 Vacation   Throwing Up In Car

https://theonion.com/only-memory-child-has-of-6000-vacation-throwing-up-in-car/

Published: November 9, 2026 14:00

FITCHBURG, WI—Stating that he could not recall Cocoa Beach, an airboat tour of the Everglades, or breakfast with Chip ’n’ Dale at the Garden Grill Restaurant, local seventh grader Caleb May told reporters Thursday that the only memory he had of the $6,000…

Gavin Newsom Commutes All California Death Sentences

https://theonion.com/gavin-newsom-commutes-all-california-death-sentences/

Published: November 6, 2026 21:26

Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) commuted the sentences of all 548 people currently on California’s death row, claiming “state-sactioned killing is incompatible” with our shared values. What do you think? The post Gavin Newsom Commutes All California Death Sentences…

Lily Bowen and Mr. Novak

https://theonion.com/lily-bowen-and-mr-novak/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

Isn’t that creepy? They said they didn’t start dating until after Lily graduated, but still. The post Lily Bowen and Mr. Novak appeared first on The Onion.

Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry

https://theonion.com/natalie-olivera-and-sara-berry/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

The couple were wed in a small private ceremony attended by their loved ones and the vacationing Dutch family they had drunkenly invited the previous night. The post Natalie Olivera and Sara Berry appeared first on The Onion.

Timeline Of U.S. Arms Sales

https://theonion.com/timeline-of-u-s-arms-sales/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

The U.S. military-industrial complex is the largest in the world, supplying arms to countries across the globe. The Onion takes a look at the history of U.S. arms sales. 1790 A farmer in Rhode Island becomes the first American to sell a musket to a cow.…

Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea

https://theonion.com/stephanie-poulin-and-liam-shea/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

The bride and groom let all their friends know they have ice sculpture money Saturday. The post Stephanie Poulin and Liam Shea appeared first on The Onion.

Uncarved Pumpkin Struggling With Survivor’s Guilt

https://theonion.com/uncarved-pumpkin-struggling-with-survivors-guilt/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

RALEIGH, NC—Racked with shame as it contemplated the fact that it remained unscathed nearly a week after Halloween, a local pumpkin confirmed Friday that it was struggling with survivor’s guilt. “Of all the pumpkins that were murdered and mutilated, why…

Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg

https://theonion.com/katherine-mcknight-and-mark-clegg/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

Surprise, surprise, the heavyset bearded groom is doing a black silicone wedding band. The post Katherine McKnight and Mark Clegg appeared first on The Onion.

Tate McRae Reveals If She Stops Dancing She Dies

https://theonion.com/tate-mcrae-reveals-if-she-stops-dancing-she-dies/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

NEW YORK—Responding to the question of what she believed was the biggest misconception the public had about her, pop star Tate McRae revealed to reporters Friday that if she ever stopped dancing she would die. “Many people think dancing is my passion—it is…

Poll: Most Conservatives Support White Genocide When Shown Actual Policies

https://theonion.com/poll-most-conservatives-support-white-genocide-when-shown-actual-policies/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Despite overwhelming initial resistance to the concept, a Pew Research Center poll released Wednesday found that most conservatives supported white genocide when presented with its actual policies. “While the words ‘white genocide’ were…

New Generation Clarifies They’re Fine Not Having Own ‘Cat In The Hat’

https://theonion.com/new-generation-clarifies-theyre-fine-not-having-own-cat-in-the-hat/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Explaining they had no deep-seated desire to “discover” the Dr. Seuss character, a new generation of moviegoers told reporters Friday that, actually, they were fine not having their own Cat In The Hat film. “No thanks, we’re all good,” said new…

Glistening, Ice-Cold Beer Makes Compelling Case For Losing Custody

https://theonion.com/glistening-ice-cold-beer-makes-compelling-case-for-losing-custody/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

COOKEVILLE, TN—With the argument before him appearing completely airtight, local man Ron Bingham told reporters Tuesday that a glistening, ice-cold beer was making a compelling case for him to lose custody of his kid. “I was convinced I’d do anything to…

Interior Department Approves Plan For Trump Commemorative Eagle

https://theonion.com/interior-department-approves-plan-for-trump-commemorative-eagle/

Published: November 6, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—Hailing the patriotically modified bird of prey as a must-have for any supporter of the president, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Wednesday it would soon issue a Donald Trump commemorative eagle. “Whether you’re a raptor collector…

Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel

https://theonion.com/trump-to-cut-off-aid-to-israel/

Published: November 5, 2026 22:15

President Trump announced the U.S. would terminate $4 billion in aid to Israel at the end of the year, claiming “they don’t need it.” What do you think? The post Trump To Cut Off Aid To Israel appeared first on The Onion.

The Dump

https://theonion.com/the-dump/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

Oh, is Mr. Fancy Pants too good for the dump? Is Mr. Big Time too precious to live in the municipal landfill? Grow up. The post The Dump appeared first on The Onion.

Tips For Writing A Novel

https://theonion.com/tips-for-writing-a-novel/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

The National Book Awards will take place Nov. 18, with novelists Edwidge Danticat and Hannah Lillith Assadi among the finalists for fiction. The Onion shares tips for writing your own novel.  Save time by writing all of the e’s first. Visualize your…

Room That Scares The Dog

https://theonion.com/room-that-scares-the-dog/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

This newly restored 5-bedroom Victorian home combines timeless charm with modern comforts save for one locked room under the stairs that the dog will bark at repeatedly in abject terror. The post Room That Scares The Dog appeared first on The Onion.

Study Finds Human Brain Capable Of Storing Up To 40 Things

https://theonion.com/study-finds-human-brain-capable-of-storing-up-to-40-things/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

PROVIDENCE, RI—In breakthrough research that upends prevailing notions of human cognitive capacity, a new study published Wednesday by scientists at Brown University found that the brain is capable of storing up to 40 things. “We’ve always known the human…

Cult Ascended To Heaven Here

https://theonion.com/cult-ascended-to-heaven-here/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

The media reported it as a mass suicide, but you can choose to see the glass half full. The post Cult Ascended To Heaven Here appeared first on The Onion.

Bain Capital Acquires Tibetan Buddhism For $35 Million

https://theonion.com/bain-capital-acquires-tibetan-buddhism-for-35-million/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In a move that adds diverse value to the global investment firm’s holdings,  Bain Capital announced Thursday the acquisition of Tibetan Buddhism, financing a $35 million deal for a controlling stake in the religion. Bain corporate…

Alex Garland Regrets Blowing Most Of ‘Elden Ring’ Budget On DEX

https://theonion.com/alex-garland-regrets-blowing-most-of-elden-ring-budget-on-dex/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

NEW YORK—Voicing concern that he had misallocated much of the $200 million A24 had provided, director Alex Garland made remarks Thursday in which he expressed regret for having blown most of the budget for his Elden Ring movie adaptation on DEX. “Of…

As Good As It Gets

https://theonion.com/as-good-as-it-gets/

Published: November 5, 2026 14:00

You can refresh Zillow all you want, but this 2-bedroom mess in a run-down neighborhood is all you can afford, and no amount of wishing or daydreaming is going to change that. The post As Good As It Gets appeared first on The Onion.

Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins

https://theonion.com/nation-watches-helplessly-as-2028-election-cycle-begins/

Published: November 4, 2026 21:09

WASHINGTON—Exhibiting a growing sense of panic as screens lit up with rumors and speculation about potential candidates, the nation reportedly watched helplessly Wednesday as the 2028 election cycle began. “Oh God, no, it’s not even 2027 yet—what do you…

Chuck Schumer Delivers Victory Speech To Previously Enthusiastic Crowd

https://theonion.com/chuck-schumer-delivers-victory-speech-to-previously-enthusiastic-crowd/

Published: November 4, 2026 21:06

WASHINGTON—Their raucous cheers plunging to near pin-drop silence in a manner of seconds, presumptive Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) delivered a victory speech Tuesday night to a previously enthusiastic crowd. Sources told reporters that…

Julie Marks

https://theonion.com/julie-marks/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

The Loyola High class of 2003 got it right when they voted Julie Marks, 41, most likely to die by ciguatera fish poisoning. The post Julie Marks appeared first on The Onion.

Joe Mazzulla Uses Claude To Learn Why Jordan Walsh’s Hair Like That

https://theonion.com/joe-mazzulla-uses-claude-to-learn-why-jordan-walshs-hair-like-that/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

BOSTON—Praising the artificial intelligence tool for its increasingly important role in shaping his coaching decisions, Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla revealed Tuesday that he had been using Claude to investigate why Jordan Walsh’s hair was like…

Melania Trump Drops Accent While Visiting Parents In Iowa Hometown

https://theonion.com/melania-trump-drops-accent-while-visiting-parents-in-iowa-hometown/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

LE MARS, IA—As she spoke of how excited she was to take a break from her White House duties and spend some time getting back to her Midwestern roots, first lady Melania Trump dropped her accent Friday while visiting her parents in her Iowa hometown,…

Jasper Collins

https://theonion.com/jasper-collins/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

Jasper Collins, 59, died suddenly Tuesday, completely ruining his business partner’s plans to make him the fall guy. The post Jasper Collins appeared first on The Onion.

Jimmy Chiarella

https://theonion.com/jimmy-chiarella/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

Jimmy Chiarella, 72, died Wednesday after being the last one to say “not it.” The post Jimmy Chiarella appeared first on The Onion.

Gina Billings

https://theonion.com/gina-billings/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

Gina Billings, 64, died of unknown causes, but since her head is still attached to her body, beheading can almost certainly be ruled out. The post Gina Billings appeared first on The Onion.

St. Augustine of Hippo

https://theonion.com/st-augustine-of-hippo/

Published: November 4, 2026 14:00

St. Augustine of Hippo succumbed to colorectal cancer at his hospice in heaven at the tragically short afterlife age of 1596. The post St. Augustine of Hippo appeared first on The Onion.

Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His Campaign Goals Since Winning 2 Minutes Ago?

https://theonion.com/why-hasnt-abdul-el-sayed-accomplished-any-of-his-campaign-goals-since-winning-2-minutes-ago/

Published: November 4, 2026 13:17

In The Know’s Midterm 2026 Election Panel debates if El-Sayed’s string of broken campaign promises over the last half-minute could mean the end of the progressive movement in America. The post Why Hasn’t Abdul El-Sayed Accomplished Any Of His Campaign…

Polls Close Early As Reward For Everyone’s Hard Work

https://theonion.com/polls-close-early-as-reward-for-everyones-hard-work/

Published: November 3, 2026 20:00

WASHINGTON—Congratulating the American populace on a job well done, election officials announced Tuesday that polls for the 2026 midterms would be closing early as a reward for everyone’s hard work. “You all pounded the pavement and made your voices heard,…

GOP Sees Surge In Turnout From First-Time Voter Intimidators

https://theonion.com/gop-sees-surge-in-turnout-from-first-time-voter-intimidators/

Published: November 3, 2026 17:05

WASHINGTON—Crediting the increased participation to a months-long outreach campaign, Republican Party officials reported a surge in turnout Tuesday from first-time voter intimidators. “It’s inspiring to see so many newly registered Republicans grab their…

Nation Lines Up In Droves To Humiliate Nate Silver

https://theonion.com/nation-lines-up-in-droves-to-humiliate-nate-silver/

Published: November 3, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—In a united effort to fulfill their patriotic duty as Americans, the nation’s voters reportedly lined up in droves Tuesday to humiliate Nate Silver. “Little fuck thinks he’s so smart—I’ll show him,” said D.C. resident Jon Everett, one of 174…

Neglectful Voter Forced To Fill Out 6 Years’ Worth Of Back Ballots

https://theonion.com/neglectful-voter-forced-to-fill-out-6-years-worth-of-back-ballots/

Published: November 3, 2026 14:00

DENVER—Expressing frustration as poll workers handed him a large stack of election materials, local man Andrew Campbell was reportedly forced to fill out six years’ worth of back ballots Tuesday before he could vote in the 2026 midterms. “I guess I have a…

Tips For Moving Abroad

https://theonion.com/tips-for-moving-abroad/

Published: November 3, 2026 14:00

Figuring out how to leave the United States and set up your life in another country can be complicated, confusing, and time-consuming. The Onion shares tips for moving abroad. Start by moving to an adjacent country and gradually work your way across the…

Sports Betting By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/sports-betting-by-the-numbers/

Published: November 2, 2026 18:02

With the recent explosion of sportsbooks and prediction markets, interest in gambling on sports has never been higher. The Onion looks at the figures behind the boom in sports betting. $140,000 Parlay winnings if the basketball catches fire, then it rains…

Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series

https://theonion.com/milwaukee-brewers-win-first-world-series/

Published: November 2, 2026 16:30

The Milwaukee Brewers clinched the World Series title over the Tampa Bay Rays in five games, marking the first championship in the franchise’s 57-year history. What do you think? The post Milwaukee Brewers Win First World Series appeared first on The…

Ask Not What Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Billionaire Pedophile Cabal

https://theonion.com/ask-not-what-your-billionaire-pedophile-cabal-can-do-for-you-ask-what-you-can-do-for-your-billionaire-pedophile-cabal/

Published: November 2, 2026 14:00

On this, the momentous anniversary of our nation’s founding, I wish to devote a few words to the pivotal juncture at which our great republic now stands. Decisions made today will determine what kind of country your children inherit tomorrow. We must be…

Poll: Americans Likelier To Vote For Candidate Who Hasn’t Barged In On Them In Bathroom Stall

https://theonion.com/poll-americans-likelier-to-vote-for-candidate-who-hasnt-barged-in-on-them-in-bathroom-stall/

Published: November 2, 2026 14:00

HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting the act raises serious questions among voters about a politician’s respect for the average citizen’s privacy, a poll out Monday from Quinnipiac University found that Americans are more likely to vote for candidates who haven’t barged…

Pros And Cons Of Democracy

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-democracy/

Published: November 2, 2026 14:00

Even after 250 years of government of the people, by the people, and for the people, democracy remains a hotly contested topic worldwide. The Onion examines the pros and cons of self-governance. PRO Still has alluringly exotic hint of Greece to it Just 30…

Trump Designates Poll Watchers As 7th U.S. Military Branch

https://theonion.com/trump-designates-poll-watchers-as-7th-u-s-military-branch/

Published: November 2, 2026 14:00

WASHINGTON—In a move he claimed was essential to maintaining domestic security, President Donald Trump formally designated poll watchers as the seventh branch of the U.S. military this week. “I am hereby authorizing the formation of America’s newest and…

Mother Stands Dead-Eyed Behind Child Explaining Anime Costume

https://theonion.com/mother-stands-dead-eyed-behind-child-explaining-anime-costume/

Published: October 31, 2026 21:00

JOPLIN, MO—With any interest or passion dissolving from her face the moment her son started to recount his favorite arc from the 2006 shōnen series, local mother Debra Carlisle was reportedly spotted Saturday evening standing dead-eyed behind her son as he…