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The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source.

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Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway

https://theonion.com/lana-del-rey-husband-celebrate-anniversary-at-gas-station-subway/

Published: September 26, 2026 13:00

DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a


Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel

https://theonion.com/kash-patel-phished-by-scammer-posing-as-kash-patel/

Published: September 25, 2026 18:39

WASHINGTON—Despite carefully checking and double-checking the credentials of the man who reached out to him via email, FBI director Kash Patel was reportedly phished Friday by a scammer posing as FBI director Kash Patel. “First of all, he’s got my face as


FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records

https://theonion.com/fbi-hack-exposes-thousands-of-employee-records/

Published: September 25, 2026 16:17

A cybercriminal collective known as ShinyHunters claims to have breached the FBI’s online job portal and stolen more than 2 terabytes of employee personnel records. What do you think? The post FBI Hack Exposes Thousands Of Employee Records appeared first


Baseball Analysts Call For New Stat Called B.L.E.P.H.

https://theonion.com/baseball-analysts-call-for-new-stat-called-b-l-e-p-h/

Published: September 25, 2026 13:00

NEW YORK—Stressing that the sport’s existing suite of advanced metrics was no longer sufficient to satisfy their hunger for increasingly granular data, baseball analysts from across the country called Wednesday for the creation of a new statistic called


The Paramount–Warner Bros. Merger By The Numbers

https://theonion.com/the-paramount-warner-bros-merger-by-the-numbers/

Published: September 25, 2026 13:00

Despite a slew of setbacks, Paramount cleared the last major hurdle in its proposed acquisition of Warner Bros. when it reached an agreement to resolve an antitrust lawsuit brought forth by a dozen states. The Onion breaks down the key facts and figures


California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test

https://theonion.com/california-dmv-adds-highway-chase-to-road-test/

Published: September 25, 2026 13:00

SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying the newly instituted changes better reflected the realities of modern driving, officials at the California Department of Motor Vehicles announced Friday that they had added a highway chase to the state’s standard road test.


10 Players To Watch This NFL Season

https://theonion.com/10-players-to-watch-this-nfl-season/

Published: September 25, 2026 13:00

From breakout stars to aging veterans, these are the players most likely to define the 2026 NFL season.  Aidan Hutchinson, Lions defensive end: After signing a four-year extension worth $180 million last season, Hutchinson should finally be able to afford


Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump’s English Has Improved Since Last Visit

https://theonion.com/xi-jinping-impressed-with-how-much-trumps-english-has-improved-since-last-visit/

Published: September 24, 2026 18:49

WASHINGTON—Marveling at how his American counterpart’s grasp of the difficult language had progressed, Chinese leader Xi Jinping told reporters Thursday that he was deeply impressed with how much President Donald Trump’s English had improved since the two


Record Executives Release Katseye For Daily Half Hour Of Yard Time

https://theonion.com/record-executives-release-katseye-for-daily-half-hour-of-yard-time/

Published: September 24, 2026 17:10

LOS ANGELES—Sounding a loud buzzer to signal that the pop stars were now permitted to leave the dance studio, Hybe x Geffen record executives were seen Thursday releasing Katseye for their daily half hour of yard time. “We make sure our global girl group


Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI

https://theonion.com/dog-cant-believe-guy-she-hooked-up-with-10-years-ago-now-head-of-fbi/

Published: September 24, 2026 17:00

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was now the head of the FBI. “I remember seeing him on TV


The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Robert Pattinson

https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-robert-pattinson/

Published: September 24, 2026 16:00

Primetime star Robert Pattinson is receiving widespread acclaim for his portrayal of To Catch A Predator host Chris Hansen. The Onion sat down with the actor to discuss his craft, his career, and what’s next. The Onion : What creative liberties did you


Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’

https://theonion.com/guy-outside-obama-center-selling-cheaper-tickets-to-something-called-barrys-magical-experience/

Published: September 24, 2026 13:00

CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.” “Why waste your time at a


Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer

https://theonion.com/hunter-arrested-after-mistaking-woman-for-a-deer/

Published: September 23, 2026 16:38

A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? The post Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer appeared first on The Onion.

Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago

https://theonion.com/regretful-man-realizes-he-would-be-rich-by-now-if-he-had-invested-in-rice-7000-years-ago/

Published: September 23, 2026 16:36

ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight


Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World

https://theonion.com/algorithm-distorting-how-important-man-thinks-gummo-is-to-rest-of-world/

Published: September 23, 2026 16:36

PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the


American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’

https://theonion.com/american-medical-association-huge-biceps-are-only-thing-that-matters/

Published: September 23, 2026 16:33

CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying about


Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool

https://theonion.com/trump-bans-cnn-ms-now-politico-from-white-house-press-pool/

Published: September 23, 2026 16:31

President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? The post Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool


God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’

https://theonion.com/god-announces-departure-from-secret-lives-of-mormon-wives/

Published: September 22, 2026 16:34

THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal


Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron

https://theonion.com/trump-proposes-installation-of-sniper-nest-atop-barron/

Published: September 22, 2026 15:47

WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle,


Amish Man Ashamed To Learn He Logging Over 5 Hours Of Horse Time Per Day

https://theonion.com/amish-man-ashamed-to-learn-he-logging-over-5-hours-of-horse-time-per-day/

Published: September 22, 2026 13:00

NEW PROVIDENCE, PA—Expressing shock at how much time he’d been wasting on the mindless activity, local Amish man Eli King was reportedly ashamed to learn Tuesday that he typically logs more than five hours of horse time per day. “I thought it was maybe an


Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling

https://theonion.com/career-ending-facebook-comment-double-checked-for-spelling/

Published: September 22, 2026 13:00

PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for


Josephine Walker

https://theonion.com/josephine-walker/

Published: September 22, 2026 13:00

Josephine Walker, 23, really should have picked “truth.” The post Josephine Walker appeared first on The Onion.

George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening

https://theonion.com/george-lucas-frantically-hosing-wasp-nest-out-of-r2-d2-before-museum-opening/

Published: September 21, 2026 18:19

SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still, R2—we were


Measles: Myth Vs. Fact

https://theonion.com/measles-myth-vs-fact/

Published: September 21, 2026 13:00

Vaccination rates of U.S. children have fallen beneath the threshold needed to maintain herd immunity, triggering measles outbreaks in many states. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding the highly contagious illness. MYTH: Measles is just a


Bankrupt Kennedy Center Auctions Off JFK’s Skeleton

https://theonion.com/bankrupt-kennedy-center-auctions-off-jfks-skeleton/

Published: September 21, 2026 13:00

WASHINGTON—Saying dire financial circumstances had left it with nothing but the most desperate option, the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced Monday that it had filed for bankruptcy and would now be forced to auction off the skeleton


First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years

https://theonion.com/first-new-wild-cat-species-discovered-in-100-years/

Published: September 21, 2026 13:00

A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered


NSFW Artist Struggling To Improve On Sexiness Of Regular Muppets

https://theonion.com/nsfw-artist-struggling-to-improve-on-sexiness-of-regular-muppets/

Published: September 21, 2026 13:00

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting that he was completely at a loss over what he could possibly add, NSFW artist Caleb Driscoll told reporters Monday that he was struggling to improve upon the raw sexuality of the regular Muppets. “Normally this stuff just flows right


Report: Other Tailgate Looks More Fun

https://theonion.com/report-other-tailgate-looks-more-fun/

Published: September 20, 2026 14:00

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—After divvying up a Bud Light six-pack and soggy Subway sandwiches purchased at an I-87 rest stop, a glum group of tailgaters in Section J of the MetLife Stadium parking lot confirmed Sunday that the tailgate across from them looked way


Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt

https://theonion.com/survey-finds-1-in-3-americans-with-health-insurance-have-medical-debt/

Published: September 20, 2026 13:00

A new survey found that one third of Americans who have health coverage still have medical debt that they are paying off over time. What do you think? The post Survey Finds 1 In 3 Americans With Health Insurance Have Medical Debt appeared first on The


Obama Family Dog Passes Away

https://theonion.com/obama-family-dog-passes-away/

Published: September 19, 2026 13:00

Former President Barack Obama announced that his family’s Portuguese water dog Sunny, which they got in 2013 during their time in the White House, has passed away. What do you think? The post Obama Family Dog Passes Away appeared first on The Onion.

Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party

https://theonion.com/russian-oligarch-bankrolls-donald-trump-jr-s-wedding-after-party/

Published: September 18, 2026 20:24

A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump


Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side

https://theonion.com/landlord-takes-hornets-side/

Published: September 18, 2026 15:07

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties.


Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta

https://theonion.com/freida-flores-and-anthony-acosta/

Published: September 18, 2026 15:00

After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed

https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-letting-dogs-sleep-in-the-bed/

Published: September 18, 2026 14:59

Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They’ll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of


New Orleans Pelicans Can’t Help But Notice They’re Not On NBA Schedule This Year

https://theonion.com/new-orleans-pelicans-cant-help-but-notice-theyre-not-on-nba-schedule-this-year/

Published: September 18, 2026 14:58

NEW ORLEANS—Wondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldn’t help but notice they hadn’t been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. “I checked the


Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far

https://theonion.com/everything-we-know-about-grand-theft-auto-vi-so-far/

Published: September 17, 2026 19:12

After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir


FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023

https://theonion.com/fbi-moves-to-raise-murder-rate-for-first-time-since-2023/

Published: September 17, 2026 19:08

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to


Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor’s Mulch

https://theonion.com/dad-races-outside-to-witness-delivery-of-neighbors-mulch/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

GREENSBORO, NC—Bursting through the front door before the piled-high dump truck even came to a complete stop, local dad Glenn Stevenson reportedly raced outside Tuesday to witness the delivery of his neighbor’s mulch. “Well, well, well—unless my eyes


Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face

https://theonion.com/thousands-of-ids-misprinted-with-random-mans-face/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

More than 8,000 people in Michigan received IDs with a photo of a random smiling man printed on them, with officials stressing the photo is a generic non-resident. What do you think? The post Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man’s Face appeared


PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now

https://theonion.com/pga-announces-golf-will-be-loud-now/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In a dramatic reversal of decades of established organizational practice, the PGA Tour announced Wednesday that, effective immediately, golf would be loud. “After careful consideration, the board of directors and I agree that, going


Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet

https://theonion.com/coward-leaves-casino-with-200-left-in-wallet/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and


Tyler Neiman

https://theonion.com/tyler-neiman/

Published: September 17, 2026 13:00

A totally oblivious Tyler Neiman, 29, will be killed Wednesday while commuting home from his bowling league. Though still alive for now, he will be missed. The post Tyler Neiman appeared first on The Onion.

Judge Judy Retires

https://theonion.com/judge-judy-retires/

Published: September 16, 2026 20:34

Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion.

Hole

https://theonion.com/hole/

Published: September 16, 2026 17:13

The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown.  Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.

Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry

https://theonion.com/emily-sadori-and-caroline-fry/

Published: September 16, 2026 17:10

The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.

Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars

https://theonion.com/dalai-lama-announces-one-year-residency-inside-body-of-bruno-mars/

Published: September 16, 2026 16:50

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno


Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef

https://theonion.com/horrified-guests-begin-gagging-as-dinner-host-reveals-theyve-been-eating-usda-beef/

Published: September 15, 2026 17:18

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those


Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail

https://theonion.com/blind-man-who-drove-150-miles-drunk-avoids-jail/

Published: September 15, 2026 17:15

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion.