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Timothy McSweeneyâs Internet Tendency
Site URL: www.mcsweeneys.net/
Feed URL: www.mcsweeneys.net/rss
Posts: 32
Followers: 1
Canada Sends Polite Regards to the United States on Its Semi-Quasi-Bisequi-Whateverennial
Published: June 12, 2026 17:00
Dear United States, Please accept these civil and cautiously optimistic congratulations on achieving a quarter millennium as a nation. We hope this reaches you in time for the celebrations. We didnât realize that a âsemiquincentennialâ was an actual thing.âŚ
Good Luck Proving Weâre Competent Enough to Knowingly Commit War Crimes
Published: June 12, 2026 12:00
âIt is unclear if the U.S. intentionally struck [Iranâs] water facilities, or knew what was in the buildings. Deliberately targeting civilian infrastructure could constitute a war crime under international law.â â The New York Times - - -A few crybabiesâŚ
AI Economics for Dummies
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ai-economics-for-dummies
Published: June 11, 2026 17:01
As AI companies get ready to go public and we get a deeper look at their inner workings, itâs only natural to have questions about their finances, like âDo they make money?â and âHow?â Here are a few examples to help the average layperson understand theâŚ
Walking Trauma
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/walking-trauma
Published: June 11, 2026 16:01
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
Notes from a Tired Egyptian Guy Whose Job Is Explaining That Humans Built the Pyramids
Published: June 11, 2026 12:00
Day 4,382 of people asking whether ânormal workersâ could really move large stones without assistance from mystical sky beings. Yes. That is generally how construction functions. - - -A man approached me near the Nile today and whispered, âBut have youâŚ
Welcome, Soccer Fans. Weâre Monetizing the Oxygen
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/welcome-soccer-fans-were-monetizing-the-oxygen
Published: June 10, 2026 16:44
Welcome, soccer fans from around the globe, to the 2026 FIFA World Cup in the United States, Mexico, and Canada. We hope you have a pleasant stay with us and enjoy all the exciting experiences North America has to offer. Oh, and by the way, weâreâŚ
To Fold the SuperStroller, You Must First Earn an Engineering Degree
Published: June 10, 2026 12:00
At SuperStrollers, weâre here for you, new parents. Thatâs why weâve designed the worldâs safest stroller with effortless steering and ample storage thatâll take you from the playground to the grocery store with ease. The best part? Itâs super easy to foldâŚ
I am Emperor Caligula, and Even I Think the White House UFC Event Is a Bit Much
Published: June 9, 2026 17:00
I am Emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus Caligula, successor of Tiberius, Son of the Divine Germanicus, and Supreme Commander and Holder of Tribunician Power, Pontifex Maximus. And I decree, in regard to the upcoming White House UFC event⌠ItâsâŚ
This Is All Completely Unprecedented
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/this-is-all-completely-unprecedented
Published: June 9, 2026 12:00
One thing is for sure: weâve never seen anything like it. The actions of this president and his administration are completely and utterly unprecedented. - - -In an unprecedented move, the president chose to boost the inflation rate. That isnât typicallyâŚ
An Interview with Dave Eggers About His New Novel, Contrapposto
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-interview-with-dave-eggers-about-his-new-novel-contrapposto
Published: June 8, 2026 18:28
- - -KNOPF: This is a very funny, very moving book about the deepest kind of friendship. It unfolds over many decades, and the novel took shape over decades for you, too. When did you begin thinking about these characters? DAVE EGGERS: Iâve been thinkingâŚ
The Press Has Finally Been Freed from Journalism
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-press-has-finally-been-freed-from-journalism
Published: June 8, 2026 16:45
â[Scott] Pelleyâs firing came after [Bari] Weiss dismissed several of his colleagues and hired a new 60 Minutes boss, Nick Bilton, whom Pelley then clashed with in a staff meeting. Pelley, along with a number of other 60 Minutes correspondents who wereâŚ
A Few Explanations Before I Give You Grays Sports Almanac
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-few-explanations-before-i-give-you-grays-sports-almanac
Published: June 8, 2026 12:00
Todayâs your lucky day, kid. Iâm you from the future. I traveled back to 1955 to give you this sports almanac. It lists all the biggest sports events from now to the end of the century. All you have to do is bet on the winner, and youâll never lose. YouâreâŚ
The New Odyssey Movie Is Historically Inaccurate; Matt Damon Isnât the Least Bit Greek
Published: June 5, 2026 17:00
âElon Musk has again weighed in on Christopher Nolanâs upcoming big-budget adaptation of The Odyssey, this time agreeing with a racist comment made by a far-right journalist who criticized the casting of Oscar-winning actor Lupita Nyongâo as Helen ofâŚ
I Wished on a Monkeyâs Paw for Susan Collins to Lose Her Senate Seat, and Now Weâre Stuck with Graham Platner
Published: June 5, 2026 12:00
âSeveral women who dated Graham Platner recall âunsettlingâ behavior. The Democratic candidate for Senate in Maine could be charming, women said in interviews, but some found his actions intimidating and disturbing.â â The New York Times - - -I mustâŚ
I Canât Fix Your Life; Iâm Just a Bodega Cat Stretching
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-cant-fix-your-life-im-just-a-bodega-cat-stretching
Published: June 4, 2026 17:08
Hey, thanks for reaching out. I get that you are having an existential crisis of self, facing the realities of aging, and accepting your social and economic circumstances, but listen, there is nothing I can do; Iâm just a cat stretching in a bodega. AndâŚ
Engorged by Criticism
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/engorged-by-criticism
Published: June 4, 2026 16:01
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
A Queer Writerâs Survival Guide to the Literary Agent Hypocrisy Circus: PRETEND vs. ACTUAL
Published: June 4, 2026 12:00
PRETEND: âWe want diverse stories that push boundaries!â ACTUAL: âJust make sure your âdiversityâ doesnât make our white, straight readers uncomfortable. Gay but not too gay. Brown, but relatable. If your trauma canât be solved by brunch, itâs a pass.ââŚ
âNEWS MAN BADâ: A Personnel Memo from Animal, Your Editor-In-Chief
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/news-man-bad-a-personnel-memo-from-animal-your-editor-in-chief
Published: June 3, 2026 23:30
ââThe leadership of 60 Minutes is no longer recognizable,â Scott Pelley said late Tuesday, just hours after being fired from CBS News after almost 40 years at the network. âThe principles I hold dear are gone, and so I must leave as well.ââ â Variety - -âŚ
âDescartes Against Humanityâ and Other Games Designed by Famous Philosophers
Published: June 3, 2026 17:00
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Reviews of New Food: Taco Bellâs Diablo Dusted Crispy Chicken Nuggets
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/taco-bells-diablo-dusted-crispy-chicken-nuggets
Published: June 3, 2026 13:00
Forgive me, Padre, for I have binged. Kissed brimstone. Huffed hellfire. Made a $5.99 deal with El Diablo for a five-pack of chicken nuggets. In the back booth of a Taco Bell Cantina, I plop down my tray like Iâm late to the Last Supper. Spread before me:âŚ
Iâm Jessica Fletcher, and I Donât Even Feel Anything Anymore When I Find a Dead Body
Published: June 3, 2026 12:01
Iâm a famous mystery novelist, power-walking enthusiast, and spunky widow who, despite my husbandâs death, has not had my joie de vivre diminished in the slightest. Meeting me, perhaps youâd surmise that Iâm a glass-half-full kind of gal who lovesâŚ
LGB Is No Longer My Four-Le  er Word
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/lgb-nbsp-is-no-longer-my-four-le-nbsp-nbsp-er-word
Published: June 2, 2026 17:00
Yeah, Iâm  rans, bu mos people canâ    ell. Maybe  hey can  ell Iâm nonbinary, bu mos days  hey jus misgender me âhey maâamâ (  hough Iâm no ). I was born  his way, I always knew I was a boy growing up, bu back  hen I was called â omboy,â which a âŚ
Iâm Sorry, Sweetie, You Canât Have a Cellphone Because I Donât Know How to Add You to Grandmaâs Family Plan
Published: June 2, 2026 12:00
Sweetie, sit down. I know youâve been asking for a cell phone for a while now. And though your father and I both agree that youâre ready for the responsibility, we unfortunately canât get you one just yet, or maybe ever, because we donât know how to addâŚ
Your Body Is Now Considered Vintage
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/your-body-is-now-considered-vintage
Published: June 1, 2026 17:01
Dear Human, We are pleased to inform you that after several decades of constant (if often subpar) operation, you have finally crossed the threshold from âgarage sale junkâ to âretro memorabilia.â Your body is no longer considered a worn-out, high-mileageâŚ
What I Will Give to Access This Airport Wi-Fi
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/what-i-will-give-to-access-this-airport-wi-fi
Published: June 1, 2026 12:00
Welcome to the wireless high-speed Intranet and Internet access system (âWi-Fi Systemâ) at Chicago OâHare International Airport (âORDâ). Please read the following information, terms, and conditions carefully before using the ORD Free Wi-Fi. This agreementâŚ
Writers
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/writers
Published: May 29, 2026 17:01
Writers have problems. Writers win prizes. Writers play ping-pong, think other writers are their friends. Writers write baseball novels. Writers write war novels. Writers write about the South. Writers make music. Writers draw. Writers take pictures ofâŚ
A Short Interview with Rafia Zakaria
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-short-interview-with-rafia-zakaria
Published: May 29, 2026 13:00
Last week, Rafia Zakaria won the 2026 National Magazine Award in the category of Columns and Essays. The winning piece, âWater Pressure,â was published in Issue 150 of The Believer and is available to read in full on their website. It follows ZakariaâsâŚ
The Only Opening Songs On an Album
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-only-opening-songs-on-an-album
Published: May 29, 2026 12:00
âThis here banger should grab your attention.â âThis semi-banger should alert your attention before the second track really grabs your attention.â âSlowwwwwww fade in.â âHonestly, this is the only track worth listening to, but itâs the pre-digital age, andâŚ
Being the Black Main Character in a Destination Rom-Com: A Choose Your Own Adventure
Published: May 28, 2026 17:55
Your life is a mess, an absolute Level 10 disaster. Youâve lost your job, and there might be pending charges after you borrowed your employerâs Hermes silk dress and Prada pumps. Youâve got no place to live after your thirteenth-floor walk-up HellâsâŚ
Affable Insects
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/affable-insects
Published: May 28, 2026 16:03
Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - -
What May Follow When You Are Slacked, âHeyâ
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/what-may-follow-when-you-are-slacked-hey
Published: May 28, 2026 12:00
Youâre fired. You are getting a promotion. You are getting a demotion. You are now in charge. The person you hate here the most is now in charge, and they told me to tell you that you are fired. No paychecks this week, cool? Could I borrow you for a sec?âŚ
AI Writing Jobs You Should Apply to Today
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ai-writing-jobs-you-should-apply-to-today
Published: May 27, 2026 16:40
Hollywood Annotated Creative Labs, Inc. Role: AI Script Trainer The best Hollywood scripting models still take illogical leaps in narrative structure. Every correction you make becomes a training node for the next AI self-scripting model and also anotherâŚ